Is this normal/unhealthy in a relationship
I've been in a relationship for a bit over a year now. It has been quite the rollercoaster of emotions, as I have been both the happiest I have ever been and the saddest I have ever been due to this relationship. Many times she has caused emotional stress and one time even caused what I could possibly call a month of depression. random and frequent breakdowns and hours of doing nothing but laying in bed and not coming out of my room.
Every incident that has been caused by her, I have blamed myself. Telling myself that I am too sensitive, that I can't blame her for treating me like ****, I deserve it, etc. Generally telling myself that it's okay that she's doing what she's doing because she's better than me and such. Just bringing myself down in an attempt to justify her actions and try to keep up the illusion that she's as perfect as I make her up to be.
Really what I'm wondering is if it's normal or unhealthy for me to be doing this.
Every incident that has been caused by her, I have blamed myself. Telling myself that I am too sensitive, that I can't blame her for treating me like ****, I deserve it, etc. Generally telling myself that it's okay that she's doing what she's doing because she's better than me and such. Just bringing myself down in an attempt to justify her actions and try to keep up the illusion that she's as perfect as I make her up to be.
Really what I'm wondering is if it's normal or unhealthy for me to be doing this.
Hey Graey,
It is a bit hard to answer you without knowing more of the situation, but a lot of people tend to minimize their own importance or quality in regards to others than they like/love. It is not weird or abnormal.
Now, the way you talk about your experience, it does feel like though that you are hurting yourself by acting so.. Have you talked with your girlfriend about all this? In my experience, nothing ever replace being honest about your feeling with your other half. Maybe she does not realize how you feel or how she makes you feel sometimes.
It is completely fine to be sensitive but hiding it and hurting yourself should not be.
It is a bit hard to answer you without knowing more of the situation, but a lot of people tend to minimize their own importance or quality in regards to others than they like/love. It is not weird or abnormal.
Now, the way you talk about your experience, it does feel like though that you are hurting yourself by acting so.. Have you talked with your girlfriend about all this? In my experience, nothing ever replace being honest about your feeling with your other half. Maybe she does not realize how you feel or how she makes you feel sometimes.
It is completely fine to be sensitive but hiding it and hurting yourself should not be.
It is not important if it is normal. Perhaps this happens to a lot of people but it looks dysfunctional. The easy advice would be to get out of the relationship. The thing is that we usually have a pattern of thinking that we repeat in our relationships. If you don't eork on youself you probably will be feeling the same things with a different person in the future
Hey stranger in need of help,
I would just like to let you know that this is NOT okay. This relationship sounds really toxic and Unhealthy. Relationships yes, they go through rough patches but they should NOT be stressing you out to the point of depression. If a Male/female is not valuing you and is constantly putting you down let them go. Its 2018 Good vibes and positive people only, Free yourself. I know its easy for me to say that because i'm not in your shoes but this is just unacceptable. Don't ever blame anyone's actions on yourself. You cant force someone to do something or act a certain way. You sound like a really nice person and I know you can find someone better. Just in case no one has told you, YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE SPECIAL AND YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!
I would just like to let you know that this is NOT okay. This relationship sounds really toxic and Unhealthy. Relationships yes, they go through rough patches but they should NOT be stressing you out to the point of depression. If a Male/female is not valuing you and is constantly putting you down let them go. Its 2018 Good vibes and positive people only, Free yourself. I know its easy for me to say that because i'm not in your shoes but this is just unacceptable. Don't ever blame anyone's actions on yourself. You cant force someone to do something or act a certain way. You sound like a really nice person and I know you can find someone better. Just in case no one has told you, YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE SPECIAL AND YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!
Original post by StarBoshi
Hey Graey,
It is a bit hard to answer you without knowing more of the situation, but a lot of people tend to minimize their own importance or quality in regards to others than they like/love. It is not weird or abnormal.
Now, the way you talk about your experience, it does feel like though that you are hurting yourself by acting so.. Have you talked with your girlfriend about all this? In my experience, nothing ever replace being honest about your feeling with your other half. Maybe she does not realize how you feel or how she makes you feel sometimes.
It is completely fine to be sensitive but hiding it and hurting yourself should not be.
It is a bit hard to answer you without knowing more of the situation, but a lot of people tend to minimize their own importance or quality in regards to others than they like/love. It is not weird or abnormal.
Now, the way you talk about your experience, it does feel like though that you are hurting yourself by acting so.. Have you talked with your girlfriend about all this? In my experience, nothing ever replace being honest about your feeling with your other half. Maybe she does not realize how you feel or how she makes you feel sometimes.
It is completely fine to be sensitive but hiding it and hurting yourself should not be.
Thank you for the reply, Boshi. It's reassuring to know that it isn't abnormal. And yes, I have talked to her about it, and she tries to make me feel better every time, although in doing so, she makes empty promises that she never keeps. I will try to improve in not hurting myself because of this if it gets to that level.
Graey, what did she do to make you feel depressed for a month? What has she been doing many times to cause you emotional stress?
It seems like an unhealthy relationship. You could try talking to her but if she doesn’t understand just leave 🌺
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Graey, what did she do to make you feel depressed for a month? What has she been doing many times to cause you emotional stress?
What she did in the incident of the less than pleasant month, she just left with no word. She cut off almost all contact with me for the entire month. We used to talk over the phone every day whether it be texting or facetime or such. But all of the sudden, she stopped. And with no word. In the few times I did get to talk to her, I was afraid to ask why. Even when I was with her, she would simply ignore or avoid me, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong. There was no communication.
As for the other incidents, it's been things like playing with my emotions whether intentional or not, as well as being inconsiderate of my feelings on several occasions.
Original post by Graey
What she did in the incident of the less than pleasant month, she just left with no word. She cut off almost all contact with me for the entire month. We used to talk over the phone every day whether it be texting or facetime or such. But all of the sudden, she stopped. And with no word. In the few times I did get to talk to her, I was afraid to ask why. Even when I was with her, she would simply ignore or avoid me, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong. There was no communication.
As for the other incidents, it's been things like playing with my emotions whether intentional or not, as well as being inconsiderate of my feelings on several occasions.
As for the other incidents, it's been things like playing with my emotions whether intentional or not, as well as being inconsiderate of my feelings on several occasions.
Clearly she doesn't value you and you deserve better. If the relationship is giving you depression then you are better off on your own without her. You don't need this stress and the more it continues, you will end up even more unhappy and probably wouldn't want to date anyone else. It also sounds like she doesn't really love you that much if she can ignore you and play games with you like this. She isn't worth it. She doesn't appreciate you. You will find someone better if you decide to end the relationship. I believe when a door closes, another opens.
Original post by Nimsy
Clearly she doesn't value you and you deserve better. If the relationship is giving you depression then you are better off on your own without her. You don't need this stress and the more it continues, you will end up even more unhappy and probably wouldn't want to date anyone else. It also sounds like she doesn't really love you that much if she can ignore you and play games with you like this. She isn't worth it. She doesn't appreciate you. You will find someone better if you decide to end the relationship. I believe when a door closes, another opens.
I guess, I just don't know. It's all just so confusing. This is the first relationship I've ever been in, so there's a lot of fear in the thought of breaking up like worrying that I'll never find anyone else. And so many time's she has apologized and promised that she'll be better, but her actions always say the opposite. I don't think she does this intentionally or with any malice. I think she's a good person. She just doesn't know what she's doing. That's why I have hope. I just don't know if that'll be the death of me or not.
Doesn't sound good relationship this
Doesn't sound too good
But GO FOR IT
But GO FOR IT
So she finished her relationship with you? And then you got back together a month later?
Is there anything that you did, or didn't do that made her want to dump you?
And being dumped is no reason to get depressed. It's a reason to celebrate your new found freedom.
Your mental and physical health should be your top priority - at all times. If external stressors like getting dumped cause you to get depressed, it's time to do everything you can to sort out your long term mental wellbeing. Focus on that before concentrating on romantic relationships.
Is there anything that you did, or didn't do that made her want to dump you?
And being dumped is no reason to get depressed. It's a reason to celebrate your new found freedom.
Your mental and physical health should be your top priority - at all times. If external stressors like getting dumped cause you to get depressed, it's time to do everything you can to sort out your long term mental wellbeing. Focus on that before concentrating on romantic relationships.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
So she finished her relationship with you? And then you got back together a month later?
Is there anything that you did, or didn't do that made her want to dump you?
And being dumped is no reason to get depressed. It's a reason to celebrate your new found freedom.
Your mental and physical health should be your top priority - at all times. If external stressors like getting dumped cause you to get depressed, it's time to do everything you can to sort out your long term mental wellbeing. Focus on that before concentrating on romantic relationships.
Is there anything that you did, or didn't do that made her want to dump you?
And being dumped is no reason to get depressed. It's a reason to celebrate your new found freedom.
Your mental and physical health should be your top priority - at all times. If external stressors like getting dumped cause you to get depressed, it's time to do everything you can to sort out your long term mental wellbeing. Focus on that before concentrating on romantic relationships.
That may very well be so. But is it really all that bad to be saddened over being dumped by girl you still like? I feel like if anything, it would be weird to not be affected by that.
Graey, she left you because of either:
1 your behaviour
2 because you were incompatible
If 1, you shouldn't be feeling sad for you, you should be feeling sad for her - if anyone, because it was your behaviour that drove her away. Take responsibility for your own actions. Learn where you went wrong and change and improve yourself for the future. Your general mood should be one of determination, not one of sadness. Determination to change yourself.
If 2 then your emotions should be one of relief, not sadness as you are both now free to find someone more compatible.
Of course it's natural to feel sad / stressed by any major change in your life, such as the loss of a girlfriend. For a couple of days. And then you get your head together, look at it from a logical point of view and put a positive spin on it instead of one so negative that you feel depressed for a month!
So yes, it is "bad" to feel so sad over the loss of a girlfriend for a whole month to the point where you are depressed. Feeling that sad is not going to do any good apart from emotionally blackmailing her to get back together with you. Which is controlling behaviour and no basis for a long term relationship and therefore bad.
1 your behaviour
2 because you were incompatible
If 1, you shouldn't be feeling sad for you, you should be feeling sad for her - if anyone, because it was your behaviour that drove her away. Take responsibility for your own actions. Learn where you went wrong and change and improve yourself for the future. Your general mood should be one of determination, not one of sadness. Determination to change yourself.
If 2 then your emotions should be one of relief, not sadness as you are both now free to find someone more compatible.
Of course it's natural to feel sad / stressed by any major change in your life, such as the loss of a girlfriend. For a couple of days. And then you get your head together, look at it from a logical point of view and put a positive spin on it instead of one so negative that you feel depressed for a month!
So yes, it is "bad" to feel so sad over the loss of a girlfriend for a whole month to the point where you are depressed. Feeling that sad is not going to do any good apart from emotionally blackmailing her to get back together with you. Which is controlling behaviour and no basis for a long term relationship and therefore bad.
how old is she? it looks like there is a pattern in her behaviour, a pattern of unstable emotions. You say she doesn't do this on purpose. I hope you are right or else we are talking about a manipulative person and a toxic relationship.
Either way if you stay in the relationship you must find ways to protect your sanity.
Either way if you stay in the relationship you must find ways to protect your sanity.
You need to end this relationship, it's toxic and think of it like this, if you continue with it, it could get worse. You will feel so unhappy even by being by her side because her negative vibes rub off on you. You seem like a nice person who is just trying to save your relationship and understand her and her behavior but she's not putting in her part and on top of that making you feel upset and depressed. This in turn makes you feel like maybe you might be doing something wrong when you're not. You can't live like that for years to come. Life is so short to feel like that, you have choices, you don't need to be with her and don't let the fear of never finding someone again scare you. You will eventually find someone if you release yourself from the prison you have been put in by your feelings and by her actions. Put yourself first, don't put others before yourself.
It'd be interesting to get his girlfriends side of the story.That's why I asked: "Is there anything that you did, or didn't do that made her want to dump you?" A question that the OP, up till now hasn't answered.
Regardless of the girlfriends behaviour, there are things that Graey can learn from this to make him more of an attractive proposition as a long term boyfriend in the future. A prime example being to cut out the negativity and to be a lot more positive in the future.
Regardless of the girlfriends behaviour, there are things that Graey can learn from this to make him more of an attractive proposition as a long term boyfriend in the future. A prime example being to cut out the negativity and to be a lot more positive in the future.
Graey,
it is your first relationship, it is normal to feel lost. But in a healthy relationship, people talk to each other, and are not afraid of asking questions or to talk about anything (imo anyway). Now, I do not know anything about you or her, but like a lot of people are saying here, it seems like ending it would be better for you (and for her, since it seems she does not care that much? or maybe that is how she is, but clearly it hurts you).
Not being compatible happens often. You gave it a try, and it looks like it is not working (the reason why does not matter too much). You are suffering now, and breakin up would not be easy. But at least with time you would heal. Whereas, if you stay in such a relationship, you might end up hurting way more and longer.
it is your first relationship, it is normal to feel lost. But in a healthy relationship, people talk to each other, and are not afraid of asking questions or to talk about anything (imo anyway). Now, I do not know anything about you or her, but like a lot of people are saying here, it seems like ending it would be better for you (and for her, since it seems she does not care that much? or maybe that is how she is, but clearly it hurts you).
Not being compatible happens often. You gave it a try, and it looks like it is not working (the reason why does not matter too much). You are suffering now, and breakin up would not be easy. But at least with time you would heal. Whereas, if you stay in such a relationship, you might end up hurting way more and longer.
Thanks to everyone for the responses. It seems the general consensus is to break up with her. I think that deep down, I know that that's what's best for me, but I'm not strong enough to do it right now. And a part of me also takes into account that you guys don't have all of the information, and so I doubt your advice, even though I probably shouldn't to the degree that I am. I think with time, it'll really set in and I'll work up the courage to end it. Thank you guys again for the advice.
-Graey
-Graey
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