(Please keep anon or delete x)
Hello everyone,
Ok I am aware this is pathetic but here's my situation.
I am, and have always been, a straight A student, studied extremely hard and did exceptionally well in my GCSEs (12 A*s) , A-levels (5.5 As) , extra-curriculars (2 county sports teams, running debating society and maths society/ directed school plays/ head girl of school) etc. To put it bluntly, I never expected to go anywhere except Oxbridge. This may seem hugely arrogant but put yourself in my shoes - both my parents and most of my family went to Oxbridge/ my school sends 50% of its leavers to Oxbridge and as head-girl and one of the highest-scoring students most teachers expected me to go there. Teachers basically told me that I'd get in; friends and family friends thought I'd get in and my parents thought I'd get in.
But around December 2007 I fell ill and struggled with my Oxford interviews and exam and was subsequently rejected. (Note: I don't know if I'd have got in had I been in full health - I may well have been rejected, but this is obviously haunting me)
I was quite shocked and so was my school. They called up Oxford to ask why I'd been rejected but all they said was that they had stronger candidates.
I considered reapplying for a long time but eventually I decided to take up my place at Warwick studying maths. This was due to several reasons: Maths is a very bad subject to take a gap year. Warwick maths is absolutely excellent. I'd never planned to have a gap year.
Right now I've been at Warwick for almost two terms and Oxford has come back to haunt me. This is because of the following:
Another girl who was rejected for Oxford maths reapplied this year and got in. All my teachers considered me a stronger mathematician.
All my best friends are at Oxbridge. When I go home for the holidays all I here is 'varsity', 'bumps' , 'collections', 'formals', 'swaps', 'matriculation' and stories about being an undergrad at two of the best universities in the world in two of the most beautiful cities in the UK. Whereas I am at a good university in the middle of nowhere, getting frustrated by the campus and lack of social life. When we meet new people, my friends will get the 'wow, you're from oxbridge treatment' and i'll get 'warwick. is it boring living in coventry?'
I just feel so inferior and left out when I'm with them. Plus they all have this, 'Haha I'm at Oxbridge, we get a mental amount of work and complain but love that we're at the best university in the country' attitude and say things like 'But I thought you didn't get work?' to me if I join in moaning about workloads.
I know my parents are still disappointed in me. When people ask which university I'm at, my dad will say something like, 'She's at Warwick but she's doing maths which is their best subject. My son is at Cambridge...' and then he'll start talking about my brother as if I'm such an embarassment.
Even teachers seem to look down on me now. When I went back to school for leavers prizes, one teacher said to me 'So I hear you decided to reapply! I think that was the right decision.' I said that actually I didn't; I went to Warwick. She said, 'Oh...right...is that ok then?' Another said mournfully, 'I always thought you'd end up at Oxford.'
I just feel like I've failed everyone's expectations and I am being constantly reminded.
Also, I went to visit my friends in Oxford a few weeks ago and it was just perfect. It was just so beautiful and everything that I'd expected from a university. The people, the city, college life, punting down the river, etc
I just feel like all my life I'd been preparing myself for Oxbridge and now I've missed it.
I'm having an OK time at Warwick and the course is good but I can't help wondering what I've missed out. Should I have reapplied? Should I drop out and reapply? But then I'd have to take two gap years and there's no guarantee that I'd get in.
I thought I was making the right decision by coming to Warwick. I've made friends here and am basically enjoying myself. It just seems so mundane and average compared to Oxbridge.
Now I feel like I'm going to have a chip on my shoulder my whole life for not getting to Oxbridge. Already I feel slightly bitter towards everyone who got in, especially people I know are not better than me at their subject or more passionate or hard-working.
To be honest there's another thing I miss too. I used to go to one of the best schools in the Uk and I was head-girl. Whenever I talked to new people, they would have this 'wow - you must be so smart' look on their face and often said this much. I don't get that anymore!
I just need people to tell me if I'm being ridiculous and romanticising Oxbridge or it really is that great.
I just keep thinking of how much I'm missing out on.
Help?! Should I just get over it? I feel like it's holding me back from throwing myself fully into Warwick life.