Strange relationship with mum :S

My mum has never told me she loved me and I can count on two hands the number of times she's given me a proper hug in 18 years. I've always thought I was lucky to have parents that are still married after 25 years but if my dad starts talking about how they met she says "That's all in the past now", and I've never seen them kiss. We have hardly any photos of us as children in the house and the few we do have are shut away in a cupboard (Mum doesn't like us getting them out). I'd like a mum I can talk to about what's going on in my life, boys and friendship stuff, someone I can go to when I feel down, but when we talk it's about other people, current affairs, the weather. When I want some input or advice she's overly passive and I feel like she doesn't care - on the other hand she is very controlling when it comes to trivial things, like she still insists on making packed lunches for her husband and 3 grown up children. Growing up it almost felt like my parents couldn't bring themselves to talk to us about things we needed to know about, like relationships, sex, drugs etc, and as a result we've had numerous problems. And yet all this time we never got any direction from our parents (especially mum); we never got lectured about underrage smoking or drinking even though she knew fully well what was going on. It was like she didn't care, or was embarrassed to mention it or something. I don't know what I'm asking for here, but sometimes I feel so sad about it all, like when I walk into a shop to look for the least sentimental Mother's Day card available or I hear friends saying "love you" at the end of a phonecall to their mums. Why wasn't mine ever at sports days or school concerts? Why didn't she want to come with me to any of my uni interviews? Why does she get upset when we want to look at old photos or talk about childhood memories?

Sorry I know that's really long, but I'd like some kind of advice or explanation or experiences/opinions of other people if possible. I don't want this to affect any relationships I have, especially if I ever have a family of my own. Is there anything I can do to improve my relationship with her?

(Please keep anon as this is very personal.)

Reply 1

xximstrongerthanthatxx

I think you should share these worries or concerns with her..not us, we don't know your mum, or what she's like. This could simply be who she is.

Please just talk to her.

Reply 2

randomgirl

Wow it does sound like your mother is rather cold towards you. Does she have/did she have, a close relationship with her own mother? Maybe it's just what's she's used to? :s-smilie:

Is she closer to your siblings? Or does she distance herself from all of you?

I think you should talk to her. If you try and hug her will she reciprocate? I think you should tell her that you feel like you are unable to talk to her sometimes and that you really want a closer relationship with her. Maybe ask her if she'd like to go shopping with you/for lunch/etc and have a chat?

Not everybodies relationship with their parents is like what you see on tv or in the movies etc, many people are not close to their parents, you aren't the only one.I'm sure some tsr members will be along shortly to tell about their own parents. Also, just because your mum doesn't show affection often does not mean she doesn't love you. Maybe she's just not a particularly affectionate and emotional person.

Hope it gets sorted :smile:

Reply 3

Zerforax

Parents arent perfect, no matter what image we have of them.
A lot of it could be her upbringing on how parents should be, or other experiences.

Reply 4

ßlαcksωαn

You should take a look at the "love from parents" thread. You sound a lot myself. It tough I know and I think that yes we could talk to them but that would just make things more awkward. I don't think it would change anything. I think we have to learn not to give a ****. It's more than likely that they do love us and are proud of us but just dont directly show it. As for the talks about personal things, that's really sad and I have stressed over that alot and it doesnt help when you dont have siblings or close friends to discuss such issues with. I dont know what to tell you, because you cant change your parents IMO.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

I've mentioned things to her in the past but I know it doesn't result in anything. She usually doesn't respond at all, but if I push the matter she becomes slightly defensive but that's it :frown:

She's exactly the same with all of us. My grandma (her mum) is the most loving, affectionate person in our whole family, so I'm sure it's not anything to do with her upbringing. Although after my brother was born my parents had a baby born with a heart defect, who died after a few months. They went on to have my sister and me, but we weren't breastfed or anything and I guess that must have had some kind of effect? :s-smilie:

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

That was almost a direct comparison with my mother she has rob only hugged e once in my life when my brother died, some people are just colder than others doesn't mea she doesn't love you.

Reply 7

The-Serial-Kisser

If it makes you feel any better, I'm in a similar situation with my father. I've just accepted that he doesn't want any part of my life and moved on.

Reply 8

ladyokness

Awww she might love you and in a wierd way potecting herself against he love, amybe her relationship with her mum as suggested before- might not have been what it is now. I think your mum might be bit depressed