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Young, Muslim and Facing Being Disowned, help?

The last fee days have been an extreme emotional rollercoaster for me. I am young Muslim girl, and my parents have found out that I drink and have had sex and don’t dress “modestly.” After some difficult conversations, arguing and rounds of emotional blackmail/manipulation, they have served me with an ultimatum. I turn around the person I have been for last year and half and become a “good Muslim” again or continue the lifestyle I am living but I will be disowned, meaning I’ll never be allowed in the house again, no contact with them or my younger sister (who doesn’t know what’s going on). I just don’t know what to do, because they provide me with a lot of financial support whilst I am at university (i could work, I do in the summer). But, I don’t feel anything for religion anymore, I don’t feel ashamed of anything I’ve done even though I tell them I am because I can’t bare seeing them in pain. My dad gave me this option and they said it would break them if I chose to live my life on my own terms. But, I don’t think I can live it on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my family because I love them so much, I especially don’t want to lose my sister. I have a support system with my friends at university and do have a place I could go when term ends, I have told my closest friends despite my parents telling me not to and they don’t care about me and they are temporary and won’t be there for me. But I just don’t know what to do, I don’t think I can live life on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my entire family (my extended family don’t know and if they did they wouldn’t want me either). Can someone please help me I am desperate? :frown:

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Original post by Anonymous
The last fee days have been an extreme emotional rollercoaster for me. I am young Muslim girl, and my parents have found out that I drink and have had sex and don’t dress “modestly.” After some difficult conversations, arguing and rounds of emotional blackmail/manipulation, they have served me with an ultimatum. I turn around the person I have been for last year and half and become a “good Muslim” again or continue the lifestyle I am living but I will be disowned, meaning I’ll never be allowed in the house again, no contact with them or my younger sister (who doesn’t know what’s going on). I just don’t know what to do, because they provide me with a lot of financial support whilst I am at university (i could work, I do in the summer). But, I don’t feel anything for religion anymore, I don’t feel ashamed of anything I’ve done even though I tell them I am because I can’t bare seeing them in pain. My dad gave me this option and they said it would break them if I chose to live my life on my own terms. But, I don’t think I can live it on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my family because I love them so much, I especially don’t want to lose my sister. I have a support system with my friends at university and do have a place I could go when term ends, I have told my closest friends despite my parents telling me not to and they don’t care about me and they are temporary and won’t be there for me. But I just don’t know what to do, I don’t think I can live life on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my entire family (my extended family don’t know and if they did they wouldn’t want me either). Can someone please help me I am desperate? :frown:


It is a very common situation.

You just have to weigh up which one you want most.

If you get to uni get a job and stay there. It doesnt sound like they will negotiate. Private accommodation is often a 52 week contract i.e you can sat there as opposed to uni owned which is 40/42 weeks.

You can aim to be estranged from your parents which then removes them from student finances, but you will need the support of a professional.

http://standalone.org.uk/students/

Try Muslim Womens helpline
http://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/
10am to 4pm (Mon to Fri)
0800 999 5786 (free from mobiles and landlines)
0303 999 5786 (Usual call rates apply)


https://helplines.org/helplines/amina-muslim-womens-helpline/

http://muslimcommunityhelpline.org.uk/
Literally the first thread that has muslim on the title that hasn’t got 2727272727277272727227277272 replies
Original post by Anonymous
The last fee days have been an extreme emotional rollercoaster for me. I am young Muslim girl, and my parents have found out that I drink and have had sex and don’t dress “modestly.” After some difficult conversations, arguing and rounds of emotional blackmail/manipulation, they have served me with an ultimatum. I turn around the person I have been for last year and half and become a “good Muslim” again or continue the lifestyle I am living but I will be disowned, meaning I’ll never be allowed in the house again, no contact with them or my younger sister (who doesn’t know what’s going on). I just don’t know what to do, because they provide me with a lot of financial support whilst I am at university (i could work, I do in the summer). But, I don’t feel anything for religion anymore, I don’t feel ashamed of anything I’ve done even though I tell them I am because I can’t bare seeing them in pain. My dad gave me this option and they said it would break them if I chose to live my life on my own terms. But, I don’t think I can live it on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my family because I love them so much, I especially don’t want to lose my sister. I have a support system with my friends at university and do have a place I could go when term ends, I have told my closest friends despite my parents telling me not to and they don’t care about me and they are temporary and won’t be there for me. But I just don’t know what to do, I don’t think I can live life on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my entire family (my extended family don’t know and if they did they wouldn’t want me either). Can someone please help me I am desperate? :frown:


First off, if you loved them so much, you would've thought about them before going on the path of sin but that's in the past innit. I'd say look at the situation from their perspective and to research on Islam and then decide if it's not for you. Like when my parents would talk to be about religion, it used to push me away but when I finally gave in and started looking at Islam on my own terms and through my own research, I actually fell in love with it. I'd also say pray, anything you do you should pray if you still believe in a higher presence but honestly educate yourself on Islam and see where that leads you. All the best sister
Original post by Rainfall
Literally the first thread that has muslim on the title that hasn’t got 2727272727277272727227277272 replies


And probably a thread that actually does need 2727272727277272727227277272 replies
if your parents put the needs of religion above you, then you know my answer :smile:
Disgusting behaviour. I'm so very sorry this has happened OP. It is absolutely vile that people would put their own personal belief system above the welfare of their own flesh and blood for the sake of nothing but honour or the arbitrary value of sin. Absolutely brutish, unacceptable and vile behaviour.

As said above - it all depends on what you want. How old are you? Would you be willing to approach social services or speak to someone at school/work/uni? You have rights, OP.

Edit: Just seen you're at uni. Speak to folks there. You're an adult, you don't have to be treated like this. People will help you.

Live your life how you want to live it. You are your own person.

I'm so sorry to hear about this absolutely awful situation. Disgusting.
(edited 5 years ago)
I'd rather be disowned
How did they find out you had sex?
They found a sex tape or something?

Spoiler

Original post by 999tigger
It is a very common situation.

You just have to weigh up which one you want most.

If you get to uni get a job and stay there. It doesnt sound like they will negotiate. Private accommodation is often a 52 week contract i.e you can sat there as opposed to uni owned which is 40/42 weeks.

You can aim to be estranged from your parents which then removes them from student finances, but you will need the support of a professional.

http://standalone.org.uk/students/

Try Muslim Womens helpline
http://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/
10am to 4pm (Mon to Fri)
0800 999 5786 (free from mobiles and landlines)
0303 999 5786 (Usual call rates apply)


https://helplines.org/helplines/amina-muslim-womens-helpline/

http://muslimcommunityhelpline.org.uk/


This is really useful I would recommend you call them asap and make sure you tell them everything in detail! It's completely anonymous so don't worry
Reply 10
Avatar for Aranos
Aranos
13
Your parents are evil *****.
Original post by Anonymous
The last fee days have been an extreme emotional rollercoaster for me. I am young Muslim girl, and my parents have found out that I drink and have had sex and don’t dress “modestly.” After some difficult conversations, arguing and rounds of emotional blackmail/manipulation, they have served me with an ultimatum. I turn around the person I have been for last year and half and become a “good Muslim” again or continue the lifestyle I am living but I will be disowned, meaning I’ll never be allowed in the house again, no contact with them or my younger sister (who doesn’t know what’s going on). I just don’t know what to do, because they provide me with a lot of financial support whilst I am at university (i could work, I do in the summer). But, I don’t feel anything for religion anymore, I don’t feel ashamed of anything I’ve done even though I tell them I am because I can’t bare seeing them in pain. My dad gave me this option and they said it would break them if I chose to live my life on my own terms. But, I don’t think I can live it on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my family because I love them so much, I especially don’t want to lose my sister. I have a support system with my friends at university and do have a place I could go when term ends, I have told my closest friends despite my parents telling me not to and they don’t care about me and they are temporary and won’t be there for me. But I just don’t know what to do, I don’t think I can live life on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my entire family (my extended family don’t know and if they did they wouldn’t want me either). Can someone please help me I am desperate? :frown:


PM me
This is what Islam is :erm:

Anyway, this is what the general advice is for exMuslims

- Pretend to be the good Muslim. You are financially dependant and for you to lose everything now will cripple your life in the medium term
- Squirrel away money secretly, as much as you can while maintaining a good quality of life
- Be out the house as much as possible under the guise of studying or what not. Instead go to your friends etc. But don't arouse too much suspicion
- After Uni you should have saved enough to rent somewhere, focus your efforts on finding a Milkround if you can so your transition is smooth
- Live life on your own terms

Tbh man, the short term is going to be pain for you. You will get naive replies from people who have never experienced anything similar. Believe me, this is pretty much the only easy realistic way. There are sure other ways but your parents have the high ground at a critical part of your life. It will be horribly difficult to pretend, but you have to. Don't slip back into the bin bag or headscarf or whatever shite they make you wear, bargain. 'I don't want to wear it but I will pray more and read more' etc. 'Pray' (read: don't) in your room and just pretend. Good luck :smile:
Take caution. Even if you don’t really care about the religion, it’s quite clear your parents do, and it is afflicting both them and you negatively. You can’t really change their views very easily, but you can control how much damage is done.

Holy Koolaid has done a good video on this subject, which I highly recommend you watch: https://www.holykoolaid.com/5-mistakes-to-avoid-when-coming-out-atheist/. Even if you’re not becoming an atheist, it helps to know how to deal with restrictive religious parents.
Also,

Original post by Mrs.Grey
First off, if you loved them so much, you would've thought about them before going on the path of sin


This is a horrible way to reply to someone. They’ve been forced into a terrifying situation by their parents, and yet the first thing you do is berate them for their actions? She needs comfort and support, not lectures on morality.
Original post by Anonymous
The last fee days have been an extreme emotional rollercoaster for me. I am young Muslim girl, and my parents have found out that I drink and have had sex and don’t dress “modestly.” After some difficult conversations, arguing and rounds of emotional blackmail/manipulation, they have served me with an ultimatum. I turn around the person I have been for last year and half and become a “good Muslim” again or continue the lifestyle I am living but I will be disowned, meaning I’ll never be allowed in the house again, no contact with them or my younger sister (who doesn’t know what’s going on). I just don’t know what to do, because they provide me with a lot of financial support whilst I am at university (i could work, I do in the summer). But, I don’t feel anything for religion anymore, I don’t feel ashamed of anything I’ve done even though I tell them I am because I can’t bare seeing them in pain. My dad gave me this option and they said it would break them if I chose to live my life on my own terms. But, I don’t think I can live it on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my family because I love them so much, I especially don’t want to lose my sister. I have a support system with my friends at university and do have a place I could go when term ends, I have told my closest friends despite my parents telling me not to and they don’t care about me and they are temporary and won’t be there for me. But I just don’t know what to do, I don’t think I can live life on their terms, but I also don’t want to lose my entire family (my extended family don’t know and if they did they wouldn’t want me either). Can someone please help me I am desperate? :frown:


I think you're looking for a 3rd choice but I don't think there is one.

You could fake being a muslim so you keep your relationship with your family, at the expense of your happiness.

Or leave the religion and lose your family.

Think it through and don't rush it. Speak to your friends and get their advice. Then, when you're ready, make the choice.
Original post by TimGB
Also,

This is a horrible way to reply to someone. They’ve been forced into a terrifying situation by their parents, and yet the first thing you do is berate them for their actions? She needs comfort and support, not lectures on morality.


These strict religious types are all the same.

Makes me think of the Handmaid's Tale where every religious person has a 'duty' to oppress and control their family, friends, neighbours and colleagues.
Original post by Anonymous
You're such a stupid person. This is all your fault because you claim to be muslim and yet you go out and drink and have sex freely, like what were you thinking. You should've thought about what your family would think about you if you sinned. rip you then. So called "modern muslims" are such normies


Wait a second. This is from the same account as the thread starter. I’m guessing you must be one of her parents then. In which case, please stop being so evil. I am you are a nice person inside, with the best of intentions, but disowning your daughter for being herself is just an act of pure evil. I hope you find peace; bitterness and hatred will not solve your family problems.
Reply 18
Avatar for JLM1
JLM1
6
Some of these responses are brutal and so unnecessary.

OP its hard to give advice without knowing your parents, but would they be open to compromise? As in you abide by some religious priciples, not beliefs, and in return they allow you the freedom to explore religion, or the lack of it, on your own terms? Are there other people who visit your parents Mosque who have been through similar things? Could an influencial figure in your parents lives help you seek a compromise?

I don't have parents and found Uni very hard. Your parents provide more than just financial assistance but until they're gone you don't realise how much you actually get from them, in terms of guidance and support as well. But saying that I chose not to speak to one of mine, and although times are hard i'm much happier without them in my life. Swings and round-a-bouts.
Original post by Anonymous
Wait a second. This is from the same account as the thread starter. I’m guessing you must be one of her parents then. In which case, please stop being so evil. I am you are a nice person inside, with the best of intentions, but disowning your daughter for being herself is just an act of pure evil. I hope you find peace; bitterness and hatred will not solve your family problems.


Ok, never mind. TSR apparently decides that in a thread started by an anonymous poster, every anonymous person is the thread starter. That last one was mine, as a test.

@04MR17, could you fix this? Or ask someone that could? This is really counterintuitive.

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