MHAW- Experiencing stress at Oxbridge

It’s no secret on TSR that I struggled a lot during my undergraduate degree at the University of Oxford. For Mental Health Awareness Week 2018, I’d like to retell my story through the lens of stress. Consider it a reflection of how unmanageable levels of stress gradually accumulated and broke me! I hope upon reading this, it will encourage anyone at Oxbridge (or about to enter Oxbridge/thinking of applying to Oxbridge) to really look after themselves throughout the whole process; also, to prioritise self-care – something I never did.

Like any Fresher moving away from home for university, there were lots of potentially very stressful things about moving to Oxford in October 2007. What if I got homesick? What if I didn’t make any friends? What if I got the worst room in college? Thankfully, upon and shortly after my arrival, none of those things happened; that said, I had stresses of a different kind. Oxford was a huge step up academically - things moved at a speed that I could not hope to keep up with. Neither my A Level studies nor my own interest in music had prepared me sufficiently for the course, and I was struggling and lagging behind my peers.

Like many Oxford students (although I didn’t realise how common/prevalent these feelings are amongst Oxbridge students at the time), I was also suffering from imposter syndrome – I felt I wasn’t intelligent enough. Why had my tutor chosen me when there were so many better people at the interviews? I felt too thick to be there, and undeserving of my place. These feelings were compounded by the fact that I’d missed my Oxford offer and been taken in anyway. In a place like Oxford, the question “so how did you do at A Levels/IB?” can come up quite frequently, particularly as what is thought to be a harmless ice breaker/introductory question in the first few weeks.

Most people didn’t bat an eyelid at my AAB (there were no A* grades at A Level in that day) but one person in particular used it to make my life difficult. He was incredibly snobby and derogatory about my grades and used any opportunity in tutorials to make me look and feel small and inferior to him. What initially started out as the odd snide remark here and there soon became a whole academic year of bullying, racist behaviour, and mind-games. I kept it to myself for several months and it ate away at my self-confidence and self-esteem slowly but surely. Finally the stress got to me so much that I broke down in front of my college tutor, told him everything that had been happening regarding the bullying, and asked him why he had given me my Oxford place anyway. In hindsight, I wish I’d done that months earlier – it could have saved me a lot of angst and stress.

I began struggling to get to sleep. I somehow muddled through my first year exams and whilst I didn’t do that well, I passed everything and returned to start second year. Although I was adapting to the uni workload in my second year of uni, something weird was going on. Some successful ‘all-nighters’ convinced me that I was invincible and didn’t need to sleep, so I began deliberately sleeping less in order to get more work done. (If I got 4 hours of sleep, I considered myself to have ‘slept well’.) Though I didn’t know it at the time, I was becoming manic. I was shaking all the time – sometimes visibly – to the point where it was sometimes difficult to walk, sit up or stand unaided. The shaking would stop as soon as I left Oxford for the holidays and would start as soon as I came back. One of my tutors asked if it could be stress-related but we all brushed off that suggestion. I then had my first psychotic episode, where I genuinely 100% believed that my tutors were trying to kill me. This, combined with fights with my college tutor, caused my stress levels to soar.

By third year, I had been diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety. Desperate for extra support, I sought help from the college’s welfare staff. Someone in a position of power taking advantage of me was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I ended up in a major psychotic episode lasting 8 months, perhaps longer – it felt like it went on forever. I was hearing horrible psychotic voices all day every day. I developed around 5 split personalities as a result of what was happening to me and was pulled out of all of my lectures and classes. The stress during this period led me to

Spoiler

and I spent 3 months wandering around the city in pyjamas. In short, I had a complete breakdown due to 2.5 years of unending stress.

Everyone knows that Oxbridge is stressful, but it’s hard to appreciate what exactly that means until you are there. I had a terrible time at Oxford due to everything I endured – but a lot of the extreme stress I was under and the bad stuff that happened (not all of it) could have been avoided.

To Oxbridge students/applicants/offer-holders who are feeling stressed, here are my top tips for surviving the stress of The Bubble:

Try and do something fun/non-degree-related every day. That could be something as simple as going for a walk around your college!

Make sure you get fresh air and a change of environment every day – don’t be in your room the whole time!

Be honest with people – peers and staff alike – about how you are feeling and finding things. Don’t suffer in silence for ages like I did!

Make use of college welfare staff and the Counselling Service but equally if you find you’re not getting on with someone for whatever reason, you’re within your rights to stop seeing them and to ask to see someone else

Try and remember that your tutors/DoS picked YOU – and they rarely get it wrong. You deserve to be there, even if you don’t feel like it. Equally though, there’s no shame in not wanting to be there, or wanting to move somewhere else. Do whatever’s in the best interests of your health and happiness – those are the most important things, at the end of the day

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Reply 1

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Please do feel free to ask me questions about my time at Oxford or life with a long-term mental illness! :h:

Reply 2

04MR17

Volunteer Section Leader, Clearing and Applications Advisor

This is so well written. And thank you for sharing. :heart:

Reply 3

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Original post by 04MR17

This is so well written. And thank you for sharing. :heart:

Thank you

Reply 4

Noodlzzz

What do you think your college should of done? Is there anything they can learn from your experience for future students?

Reply 5

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Original post by Noodlzzz

What do you think your college should of done? Is there anything they can learn from your experience for future students?

When I was there, there was no Fitness to Study panel (that was brought in after I left, partly as a result of my experiences. I knew the SU President and after hearing my story, he campaigned for things like the FtS panel). I think this is a good move on Oxford's part, though it sounds rather scary and draconian in some respects, which is less good.

Something I'd love to see is for all college welfare staff, across every single college, to have proper training in pastoral care and dealing with students. Certainly the problem in my college was that no one aside from the chaplain had any pastoral care training whatsoever. I'd also love for all college welfare staff and potential college welfare staff to be screened for their own mental health issues, or any issues they may have that might impinge upon them looking after students properly.

Finally I think student complaints about tutors should be taken more seriously. The attitudes of college staff towards complaints I had were... interesting, shall we say :s-smilie:

Stickied

Original post by Doonesbury

Stickied

Yay! Thank you :yay:

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

You're a star & congrats on yr survival. Can U share what ethnic group are U?

Reply 9

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Original post by Anonymous

You're a star & congrats on yr survival. Can U share what ethnic group are U?

Thanks. I'm British Sinhalese :smile:

Reply 10

Ziggy Low

I see. You should have a pretty native Brit accent. Yet you face discrimination. It was so unfortunate U met that bully. Mean behaviour can trash anyone. Takes a really strong person to fight such bad behaviour. Well done for survival ving. You're now in an excellent position to advocate positive behaviour👍🏻

Reply 11

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Yeah I have a very strong London accent :cool:

and I don't look particularly Asian either! Ah well :redface:

Thanks

Reply 12

Realitysreflexx

How have you recovered... Did you ever finish at Oxbridge... And you mean figuratively... Surely you didn't walk around Oxford in pajamas for two month's... But you retained your flat right? You didn't sleep rough.

Reply 13

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Original post by Realitysreflexx

I wouldn't say I've recovered but time is a (slow) healer. So, 10 years after leaving Oxford, I'm lucid, much more stable, had 3 lots of extensive therapy, and been on meds 9 years. I'm still haunted by many of the things that happened at Oxford but it doesn't overshadow everything else in my life, the way it used to.

I did finish, yes! :biggrin:

10 years ago to this very day is when I got my 2.2 classification (marks ranging from 41-70). Not great obviously, but given I did next-to-no revision, I'm kinda impressed with myself :teehee:

I spent most of April, all of May, and most of June wandering around in different sets of pyjamas :yes:

I think I put on clothes when helping out at a conference, for some (but not all) formal hall sittings, and for my Finals (we have to wear sub fusc) - the rest of the time I was in PJs. You can get away with that kinda stuff quite easily in Oxford :teehee:

I didn't interrupt my degree (we call it rustication), so I did not have to give up my room in Oxford. I just wandered around for the last 6 months aimlessly, attending v few tutorials/lectures/seminars :nopity:

Never slept rough in my life, which I'm very grateful for :adore:

Reply 14

Realitysreflexx

Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd

10 years ago to this very day is when I got my 2.2 classification (marks ranging from 41-70). Not great obviously, but given I did next-to-no revision, I'm kinda impressed with myself :teehee:

I spent most of April, all of May, and most of June wandering around in different sets of pyjamas :yes:

Never slept rough in my life, which I'm very grateful for :adore:

Well done! Though i may be a bit late congratulating... I see now thankfully i took it a bit too literally! But with manic episodes... Well manic things can happen... Glad your in a better place now!

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Would love to hear more of episodes in Oxford and your reaction etc.
What's it like in Oxford eg how's your regular day like?
From your experience, can you share what kind of attributes most suited to be in Oxford?
And what's the mix in your cohort?
Thanks

Reply 16

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Original post by Realitysreflexx

Well done! Though i may be a bit late congratulating... I see now thankfully i took it a bit too literally! But with manic episodes... Well manic things can happen... Glad your in a better place now!

Thanks

Original post by Anonymous

Can I just double-check what you mean by "episodes" and "mix in your cohort", so that I can answer your questions accurately? :smile:

Oxford is very intense! While no two days are the same, in general, during the daytime I would:

- attend lectures (maybe about 3-4 different ones per week, depending on which term it was)
- attend seminars (once a week, again depended on the term - it wasn't every single term)
- do the work/prepare for, and attend, tutorials (I usually had 3 tutorials a week every week. There was one week in first year where I had 5 in a week :eek2:

)
- scour the library/JSTOR for the readings needed to write my essays (generally I'd have to write 2-3 x 2000 word essays per week, on top of harmony exercises and regular instrumental practice - I'm a music graduate)

If there was a gap of at least one hour between lectures, a group of us would go to the ice cream parlour opposite our Faculty :awesome:

What I'd do in the evenings would depend on how far behind I was, and what else I needed to do. I had a very good social life in that I attended the chapel weekly, was involved in college-based music and drama societies, and played for a university-wide orchestra and other college orchestras too. I was also in the secular non-auditioning College choir. Clubbing was never my thing but I'd happily sit in the College bar, or our local fave bar Raoul's/a local pub, drinking Coke and/or mocktails whilst hanging out with friends :yep:

To get into and succeed at Oxford, you need to:

- be above-average intelligence
- be able to think aloud/think on your feet
- be able to think critically about current/past academic scholarship
- be willing to share ideas and receive feedback on them, sometimes in front of others
- ideally be enthusiastic about your subject
- ideally have a good grounding in your subject (though this depends on the subject, tbh)

These are just a few of the qualities, tbh - there are so many one could list :eek:

plus I'm sleep-deprived :tongue:

Reply 17

Ziggy Low

Wow, I really appreciate you being so happy to share.
Also, I mean what kind of students did you have in your group? How many were there in your usual group? Lecture? Tutorial? How many percent Brit/ International, nationalities?
Generally how's behaviour of peers? Do they tend to keep to themselves?
Are Oxford students mostly nerdy? ( excuse my rudeness😅)
As well, due to your experience, I'm also curious what had happened. It must be a build-up of 'episodes' that led to you crumbling.
It's really great you're sharing here. Many are also suffering from loneliness & depression in uni without voicing out. Am sure your sharing will be a great help!

Reply 18

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Original post by Ziggy Low

Ah I see! In my college, there were two other music students in my year. Both were white male Brits, one from a grammar school and one from a private school. (I was from a comprehensive school.) We'd have our tutorials for compulsory modules together as a three in almost-all cases and then for optional modules, it would depend how many people would take that module - sometimes it would just be me and the tutor :eek:

In lectures there were approximately 65 music students. I think we only had 2 international students in my year group: one from India and one who was Singaporean Chinese. No black students and only one mixed-race British student from what I remember. Everyone else was British and white :yes:

Generally speaking, people are overwhelmingly nice and humble. There are a few arrogant tossers but everyone hates them and you would find them at any good uni :nothing:

I wouldn't say most of us were nerdy in the sense that is usually meant (studying all the time). In music degrees, almost everyone had a very vast knowledge of Western art music (myself being the exception to that rule :tongue:

) and were very passionate about music, so I guess in that sense we were nerdy? :dontknow:

But almost everyone on my course was a normal person in that we worked exceedingly hard at Oxford, but also made time for musical activities (e.g. orchestras and/or choirs) and fun stuff like going to pubs/bars/clubs, taking part in sports (e.g. rowing), etc.

Ah if I told the whole story, I'd be here forever and put quite a few people off Oxford, I'd imagine :ninja:

My first episode was the hypomanic one in my second year, that I talk about above. I guess technically it was a mixed episode as it had that brief acute period of psychosis. That lasted one term. The fatigue-related/shaking stuff, we never found the cause of, so we just assume that I became allergic to Oxford :tongue:

Then all the stuff in my third year was just the straw that broke the camel's back. So it was def cumulative.

I should possibly emphasise that I have actually been hearing voices since I was about 5 years old, but these were not psychotic voices - it was just the way my thoughts manifest themselves. It was at the start of my third year when the voices very drastically and noticeably changed. It took me years to work out that the voices changed when I reached out to the welfare staff in my college - make of that what you will :ninja:

Reply 19

Anonymous #2

@ The_Lonely_Goatherd : Apologies if I am waking a memory you are trying to forget.
First, I admire how brave you are and the honesty in all your responses which will help thousand others.
Only if you are Ok, like to hear your feedback on ;

•

When looking back, do you single out the pathetic behaviour of that bully as the 'only' trigger? or was it the "Final straw' of many other stress factors build up to that point?

•

How do you consider the bully's approach as ; a general bad guy can find in any Uni/society?, race related? (racist/bigot) or class related ?

•

When this started, did you share the situation and opened yourself up to any Oxford mates? non-Oxford mates? and your family? if so what was their support?