ps-help-first paragraph

can anyone please tell me how this sounds for the first paragraph. im finding this the most difficult paragraph to do as i want to capture the readers attention. i need your opinions.

Ever since I had the option to choose Business studies at GCSE, Economic and Accounting at A Levels I have been captivated by the subjects and have never regretted choosing them. Success and interest in my AS levels have confirmed my interest in studying economics, accounting, business management and subjects that have immediate relevance. This degree programme will give me the specialist knowledge and the skills required to understand the role of accounting and finance within the world of industry, and a good grounding in the other key disciplines, functions and processes involved in the management of complex organisational systems.

thanx.

Reply 1

confused?

do you think its perfect then.

Reply 2

confused?

do you think its perfect then.

Reply 3

thunderstorm

confused?

i would try and help but my ps is so shit i cant :frown:

Reply 4

in_it_2_win_it

Yeh its good!

Its good because its unique!!

And thats wot they're looking for as well :wink:

Reply 5

Gaz031

Ever
(Does this word need to be here?)

since I had the option to choose
Would: 'Since i had the oppurtunity to study' be better?

Business studies at GCSE, Economic and Accounting at A Levels I have been captivated by the subjects and

have never regretted choosing them.
Would a good alternative be: 'have developed a great passion fo them' ?

Success and interest in my AS levels have

confirmed
'Solidified'?

my interest in studying economics, accounting, business management and

subjects that have immediate relevance.
Perhaps a good alternative would be: 'other exciting associated areas.'

This degree programme will give me the specialist knowledge
Consider: 'I look forward to the specialist knowledge I will gain in a degree programme regarding the subject i find so fascinating.'

and the skills required to understand the role of accounting and finance within the world of industry, and a good grounding in the other key disciplines,
Consider: 'And look forward to building and refining the skills require to understand the role.....

and functions and processes involved in the management of complex organisational systems.

That's just a few preliminary ideas. You may not like all of them but feel free to use any you do like.

Reply 6

Geogger

How about....
Economics, accounting, business management are all subjects that have immediate relevance in the global marketplace. Choosing Business studies at GCSE, together with Economic and Accounting at A Levels has proved captivating. Success and interest in my AS levels have confirmed my interest in taking them further. This degree programme will give me the specialist knowledge and the skills required to understand the role of accounting and finance within the world of industry, and a good grounding in the other key disciplines, functions and processes involved in the management of complex organisational systems.

Reply 7

confused?

Gaz031

cheers. thats very helpful. its good to have a second opinion.

Reply 8

confused?

Geogger

damn. that sounds good too.

Reply 9

Geogger

confused?

damn. that sounds good too.

Go on.... do 2 PS's!!!!!! Just for the hell of it....

Reply 10

confused?

should i write anything else in this paragraph that can make it sound better.

Reply 11

Gaz031

Make some changes and get back to us. It's always possible the changes you make can cause other problems so it's best done as a multi-stage process.

Reply 12

confused?

This will be round about my final draft. still have to show it to my tutor. what do u think now. does it sound too desperate.

Reply 13

Gaz031

It sounds excellent. However, you need to alter this part:

, and a good grounding in the other key disciplines, and functions and processes involved in the management of complex organisational systems.

You shouldn't really use 'and' after a comma and the sentence is too long. Perhaps split them up into two sentences?

Apart from that it sounds very good. Sorry if i'm being really critical >_>. It's proabably better for me to whine than for an admissions tutor to do so though.

Reply 14

Gaz031

'and look forward to building and refining the skills required to understand the role of accounting and finance within the world of industry, and a good grounding in the other key disciplines, and functions and processes involved in the management of complex organisational systems.'

to

and look forward to building and refining the skills required to understand the role of accounting and finance within the world of industry. I am equally enthusiastic at the prospect of obtaining an excellent grounding in the other key disciplines as well as the functions and processes involved in the management of complex organisational systems.

or something along those lines, it's your preference though. Good luck with your PS.

Reply 15

Geogger

Gaz031

I agree - this now sounds good, especially after splitting the last over-long sentence into two.

Reply 16

confused?

Ever since I had the option to choose Business studies at GCSE, Economic and Accounting at A Levels I have been captivated by the subjects and have never regretted choosing them. Success and interest in my AS levels have confirmed my interest in studying economics, accounting, business management and subjects that have immediate relevance. This degree programme will give me the specialist knowledge and the skills required to understand the role of accounting and finance within the world of industry, and a good grounding in the other key disciplines, functions and processes involved in the management of complex organisational systems.

thanx.

i also agree. this is a very good tranformation from what it was before to what it is now.

Reply 17

Gaz031

Accounting, Economics and Business management are all subjects that have immediate relevance in the global marketplace.

All good.

Since I had the opportunity to study Business studies at GCSE, with Economics and Accounting at A Levels I have been captivated by the subjects and have developed a great passion for them.

Make a tiny change to: Since i had the oppurtunity to study Business at GCSE in addition to Economics and Accounting at A-Level i have been captivated by the subjects and have developed a great passion for them.

This prevents using study in addition studies and corrects the previous s after level.

Success and interest in my AS levels have ascertained my desire in studying them and subjects that have immediate relevance in greater depth.

Sounds good. I deliberate over whether you should put a 'significant' preceeding success. It may sound good though may sound a little like you are showing off. Use your judgement.

I look forward to the specialist knowledge I will gain in a degree programme regarding the subject I find so fascinating and look forward to acquiring and refining the skills required to understand the role of accounting and finance within the world of industry.

Using look forward twice isn't too good. Consider a change to: I look forward to the specialist knowledge I will gain in a degree programme regarding the subject i find so fascinating. I am equally excited at the prospect of utilising my studies to acquire and refine the skills required to understand the role of accounting and finance within the world of industry.

I am equally enthusiastic at the prospect of obtaining an excellent grounding in the other key disciplines as well as the functions and processes involved in the management of complex organisational systems.

Just a small change to stop using 'I' so much and cutting out two small words to make the sentence shorter: The prospect of obtaining an excellent grounding in other key disciplines as well as the functions and processes involved in management of complex organisational systems fills me with enthusiasm.

Again, it's your PS so just use what you like. These are just suggestions.

Reply 18

confused?

do you think i have missed anything out like the aspects of my alevels i reallly enjoy.

Reply 19

Gaz031

confused?

do you think i have missed anything out like the aspects of my alevels i reallly enjoy.

I don't know. That's only your first paragraph. I included aspects i found particuarly interesting along with things like wider reading and how my real life experiences had helped to improve my mathematical skills.

Use the guide on studential. It's a fairly decent idea as of how to plan your paragraphs.