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I don’t find friendships very fulfilling compared to having a partner watch

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    I guess I was never really lucky enough to have a great group of likeminded friends that I could always rely on to do fun things with. The few friends I did have from school ended up being the boring type who didn’t ever want to do anything, so I missed out on nights out as a teenager and feel resentful for it.

    I finally got with my partner when I was 21 and it was great because I finally had someone to do stuff with. He’s very caring and would go to events with me that don’t interest him just to keep me company. Whereas I’ve had no friends that would do that - they only want to do what they’re interested in. And I’ve tried making new likeminded friends for the longest time, but it’s very hard to find anyone who wants new friends. I’m 26 now and feel too old to change things, and I think it’s just me and my partner now. Which puts pressure on the relationship, but what more can I do?
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    So, I’m just wondering if anyone can relate or has good advice for me?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I guess I was never really lucky enough to have a great group of likeminded friends that I could always rely on to do fun things with. The few friends I did have from school ended up being the boring type who didn’t ever want to do anything, so I missed out on nights out as a teenager and feel resentful for it.

    I finally got with my partner when I was 21 and it was great because I finally had someone to do stuff with. He’s very caring and would go to events with me that don’t interest him just to keep me company. Whereas I’ve had no friends that would do that - they only want to do what they’re interested in. And I’ve tried making new likeminded friends for the longest time, but it’s very hard to find anyone who wants new friends. I’m 26 now and feel too old to change things, and I think it’s just me and my partner now. Which puts pressure on the relationship, but what more can I do?
    Are you in education or work at all? Ask those people out for a drink?
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    don't let it put pressure on your relationship would be my advice so if he doesn't want to do something, or you know it's not his kind of thing, couldn't you go alone? you might meet people there who are also on their own and then maybe you will find people to go to things with that way.
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    Are you in education or work at all? Ask those people out for a drink?
    I’m not in education and I work from home
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    (Original post by petalsunrise)
    don't let it put pressure on your relationship would be my advice so if he doesn't want to do something, or you know it's not his kind of thing, couldn't you go alone? you might meet people there who are also on their own and then maybe you will find people to go to things with that way.
    I forgot to mention that I do often go to things alone. Sometimes it’s fine and I enjoy myself, but other times I just feel depressed and like a loser seeing everyone else with their friends. I’ve met people when out, but it seems hard to get something going and know how to continue it beyond a one time thing.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’m not in education and I work from home
    Perhaps there's people on social networks doing similar jobs at home to you?
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    I relate to this a lot. I’m 20 and when I was dating my ex, we could do anything together. He didn’t mind doing things I wanted to do that he found boring, and vice versa, because we loved each other’s company and just ‘understood’ each other. For charity, we slept outside for a night, because I thought it would be cool to do. Never in a million years would any of my friends have agreed to do that with me.

    Breaking up has taken a toll, as the friends I have either never seem to be available, or only want to do tedious things like stay at home and watch TV. It’s frustrating and makes me miss him more.

    You know what I suggest? For the time being, continue doing things with your partner. Try not to worry about something that may or may not happen. Currently you have him, and can do things with him. Since you work at home, is there a possibility you could go out and volunteer? You’ll meet new people, and learn to have fun alone.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I forgot to mention that I do often go to things alone. Sometimes it’s fine and I enjoy myself, but other times I just feel depressed and like a loser seeing everyone else with their friends. I’ve met people when out, but it seems hard to get something going and know how to continue it beyond a one time thing.
    I feel the same way but in a different concept... It's a very long story.. But I am 16.. and in Year 11 doing GCSE's.. But as you look at the year group.. you see almost everybody has a BF or GF... BTW, I have been bullied since I was like 5... But has stopped when I was 13.. but still people Judge me.. SO anyways I tried to get a GF.. but I asked her and she never replied until a month later... and within this month... I started to think about her (but when I asked her I was 99% sure it would fail), as the month went on.. I stated to think about her more and more... until that month and couple weeks finish.. then she told me ""Sorry.. IDK what to say.. I'm already with someone" .. LIKE, She put me on hold for a month so that she could find someone better and then tell me she is with someone... She could have told me sooner like... "sorry.. you arn't my type".. I even asked her that if you don't like me.. jst tell me.. but she still aired me (BTW, I know this girl since year 8.. and this whole convorastion was all on SnapChat)....... IK this does not help you.. but it's a stress reliever for me
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    Yeah I can relate to this. The connections I've made with my 3 exes are nothing like the connections I've made with friends. It doesn't even take that long for me to build this connection. I think the difference is friends don't really care as much and they think about theirselves quite a lot. Whereas a guy who likes you will want to listen to you and learn about you. When you both fancy each other there's this genuine desire to get to know each other to the core. But with friends it can be quite surface level. Your partner will want to do everything with you whereas friends put their best interests first.

    Also with your partner you spend so much time together that it's natural you're going to build such a deep connection with them. If you had a roommate I believe you'd probably build a similar connection because you're spending so much time together. But even then, there isn't the drive to get to know or please each other.

    Are there any opportunities for you to work or volunteer part time somewhere? With those kinds of environments, you're forced to spend your time with the same people so it's kind of natural to make friends.

    If not then maybe just a club you could join?

    What kind of events are we talking here? Maybe there's a club for people interested in those? Or you could get chatting to someone else on their own, get their details and invite them to another related event.
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    OP, think of your life as being like a film that you're making. You can make it any type of film that you want. It can be a Notting Hill romantic comedy or a Die Hard type action film, or an Oceans 11 we're in a gang and we're going to do stuff together type film (although preferably not with any illegal activity). Maybe even a The Founder type business biopic. Groundhog Day might also be an appropriate?

    You can make your life like a different film every day. No need to stick to the same script all the time.

    Anyway, the point being, it's your life, you make it what you want. And to not treat it too seriously. In most films the main character has setbacks which they overcome.

    My life this week has been like a Laurel and Hardy film.
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    (Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
    OP, think of your life as being like a film that you're making. You can make it any type of film that you want. It can be a Notting Hill romantic comedy or a Die Hard type action film, or an Oceans 11 we're in a gang and we're going to do stuff together type film (although preferably not with any illegal activity). Maybe even a The Founder type business biopic. Groundhog Day might also be an appropriate?

    You can make your life like a different film every day. No need to stick to the same script all the time.

    Anyway, the point being, it's your life, you make it what you want. And to not treat it too seriously. In most films the main character has setbacks which they overcome.

    My life this week has been like a Laurel and Hardy film.
    Deep af. My life has been Titanic recently.
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    Perhaps there's people on social networks doing similar jobs at home to you?
    I’m in Facebook groups and go to networking events, but I don’t tend to have much in common with them apart from the work.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I can relate to this. The connections I've made with my 3 exes are nothing like the connections I've made with friends. It doesn't even take that long for me to build this connection. I think the difference is friends don't really care as much and they think about theirselves quite a lot. Whereas a guy who likes you will want to listen to you and learn about you. When you both fancy each other there's this genuine desire to get to know each other to the core. But with friends it can be quite surface level. Your partner will want to do everything with you whereas friends put their best interests first.

    Also with your partner you spend so much time together that it's natural you're going to build such a deep connection with them. If you had a roommate I believe you'd probably build a similar connection because you're spending so much time together. But even then, there isn't the drive to get to know or please each other.

    Are there any opportunities for you to work or volunteer part time somewhere? With those kinds of environments, you're forced to spend your time with the same people so it's kind of natural to make friends.

    If not then maybe just a club you could join?

    What kind of events are we talking here? Maybe there's a club for people interested in those? Or you could get chatting to someone else on their own, get their details and invite them to another related event.
    I also work part time sometimes and have volunteered, but it’s hard to make friends at these things when people aren’t there for that or you don’t really have much in common with them.

    The events I like are concerts, festivals, going to clubs and bars, things like that. I’ve had people at these things ask me where are my friends, but then they don’t bother wanting to be my friend
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I also work part time sometimes and have volunteered, but it’s hard to make friends at these things when people aren’t there for that or you don’t really have much in common with them.

    The events I like are concerts, festivals, going to clubs and bars, things like that. I’ve had people at these things ask me where are my friends, but then they don’t bother wanting to be my friend
    Sometimes you just need to make the effort and be the keen friendly one. Even if it feels a bit weird.
    Does your boyfriend have any friends? Could be good to hang out with his and maybe their girlfriends? Maybe a double date? Or if he has any female friends you could get to know.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I guess I was never really lucky enough to have a great group of likeminded friends that I could always rely on to do fun things with. The few friends I did have from school ended up being the boring type who didn’t ever want to do anything, so I missed out on nights out as a teenager and feel resentful for it.

    I finally got with my partner when I was 21 and it was great because I finally had someone to do stuff with. He’s very caring and would go to events with me that don’t interest him just to keep me company. Whereas I’ve had no friends that would do that - they only want to do what they’re interested in. And I’ve tried making new likeminded friends for the longest time, but it’s very hard to find anyone who wants new friends. I’m 26 now and feel too old to change things, and I think it’s just me and my partner now. Which puts pressure on the relationship, but what more can I do?
    i never made any good friends and i am really close with my boyfriend. what about at your work? that's a great place to make lots of friends?
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    I agree with you that relationships are far more fullfilling then friendships - I think most older and married people would. For most people there is a clear order in their social interaction: Close family, Close friends/wider family, casual friends/distant family etc.

    I don't deny that a close friend cannot become as close as a family member, but for the vast majority of people your partner will be the closest person in your life, only rivalled by your kids parents and siblings.

    ---

    But, its not healthy to only have your partner. I have lived like that. When I first moved coutnry, all I had was my wife, and I could barely speak the language of anyone else.. its not healthy for your relationship at all - it puts way to much pressure and demands on each other, and it can cause serrious problems in the long-term. You don't need to have a lot of friends, but just having 1, or a couple of other people that you can see outside of your relationship will help you a lot.

    As for how to meet them - the easiest way to make friends for people who don't find it easy has always been the same thing: join a group based activity, where you can socialise whilst doing soemthing. It takes the focus off you - and lets you slowly make friends with people you will see each week, and do a fun organised activity with each week.

    26 is not to old - I am older then that, so is my partner, and when we move country again next year, we will have to go through the whole 'finding new friends' thing again. Infact I would say as you get a bit older, it gets a bit easier. There is a bad patch after the normal 'university age' where people find it hard to make friends.. but as you get into your late-20s and early 30s, people start to accept that they are older, and actually need to make an effort to make friends.. it won't just happen naturally like at university and school, so more and more social oppertunties are forced and open up.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sometimes you just need to make the effort and be the keen friendly one. Even if it feels a bit weird.
    Does your boyfriend have any friends? Could be good to hang out with his and maybe their girlfriends? Maybe a double date? Or if he has any female friends you could get to know.
    Yeah, I've hung out with his friends and their partners before and done double dates. I don't feel like I have enough in common with them to invite them to festivals and stuff though. I have depression too so I don't feel like anyone can be bothered to understand what I go through like my partner does.

    It's tough because I feel I've made loads of effort to make friends. I've joined classes, I've used apps and websites, but it seems really hard to get anywhere with them. I dunno if it's worth continuing to try, the rejections and disappointments are very triggering for my depression
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah, I've hung out with his friends and their partners before and done double dates. I don't feel like I have enough in common with them to invite them to festivals and stuff though. I have depression too so I don't feel like anyone can be bothered to understand what I go through like my partner does.

    It's tough because I feel I've made loads of effort to make friends. I've joined classes, I've used apps and websites, but it seems really hard to get anywhere with them. I dunno if it's worth continuing to try, the rejections and disappointments are very triggering for my depression
    Yeah that does suck. But if you've been able to make such a great connection with your partner then at least you know you have it in you. To be honest it is harder to make new friends when you get older. Easy to make acquaintances but you do lose those deep friendships. Everyone else is focussed on their own lives, jobs, partners, children. Also it can be very easy to judge someone and think they probably won't be interested in your stuff but you may be surprised.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah that does suck. But if you've been able to make such a great connection with your partner then at least you know you have it in you. To be honest it is harder to make new friends when you get older. Easy to make acquaintances but you do lose those deep friendships. Everyone else is focussed on their own lives, jobs, partners, children. Also it can be very easy to judge someone and think they probably won't be interested in your stuff but you may be surprised.
    Even from when I was 18, both my best friends from school were already in long term relationships settled early with them rather than wanting to come party with me. And then it’s hard to just replace them like that.

    I suppose all I can do is keep trying. There are organised pub crawls and nights out on the internet that I know of that I could try going along to. Will try with the apps too to just invite people to meet sooner and see where that goes. It’s tricky because many people seem very flaky, so I have to figure out how to navigate that.
 
 
 
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