The Student Room Group

Advice.. Urgently..

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months. He's an amazing boyfriend, who loved me absolutely unconditionally and treated me like a princess.

However, recently a girl (Let's call her B) at a party we went to kept flirting with him while I was around. He ignored her advances and made it clear he was with me.

Two weeks later, B adds him on snapchat by username, and mentions that she got it off one of our mutual friends (Let's call him H) , who she says she ''knows''.

The next day I talk to this mutual friend (H) and explained that B was following my boyfriend around and calling him hot etc. and H stays silent. At the end of my rant, he says : ''I'm dating B''. Obviously, I apologise to him and say oh I'm so sorry, I'm sure i just got the wrong impression of her, she must be nice. He replies by sending me a paragraph of profanities and calling me names that are unbelievable!

My boyfriend stays silent through all of this, and does not defend me to H, who is a close friend of both his and mine. I told him that he should still be friends with H, but still defend me with a ''bro that's not cool'', but he didn't.

He's been so depressed over that lately and is taking his anger out on me. We went a year without EVER fighting and suddenly, he's fighting with me every week. I'm absolutely heartbroken as our relationship was perfect , and i blame myself.. what do I do? he's stopped being his old self and I'm just so lost. Help needed.
Take it to good ol' Jeremy Kyle.
You have done nothing wrong. You have been open and honest about B's behaviour as you've seen it from your perspective.

If H or your current boyfriend are upset at you about being open and honest, then that's their problem and says more about them than it does about you.

B is not H's property. Your boyfriend is not your property. You are not anyone's property.

With relationships, they naturally have a honeymoon period lasting 6 months to 2 years. After that you start noticing and focusing on all the shortcomings of your partner. And start taking all their good points for granted. This is what's happening here with your boyfriend and the B incident has merely been the trigger for this happening.

I for one would would not put up with any partner taking their anger out on me. It's up to you if you put up with your boyfriends anger or not. I'd recommend that you don't. Which would mean, next time he gets angry with you my recommendation would be to say "Your angry attitude to me is not acceptable" and then walk away and leave him to reflect for a while, before contacting him and asking "Have you calmed down yet?". If his anger is repeated too often it'd be a case of walking away from him forever.
Reply 3
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
You have done nothing wrong. You have been open and honest about B's behaviour as you've seen it from your perspective.

If H or your current boyfriend are upset at you about being open and honest, then that's their problem and says more about them than it does about you.

B is not H's property. Your boyfriend is not your property. You are not anyone's property.

With relationships, they naturally have a honeymoon period lasting 6 months to 2 years. After that you start noticing and focusing on all the shortcomings of your partner. And start taking all their good points for granted. This is what's happening here with your boyfriend and the B incident has merely been the trigger for this happening.

I for one would would not put up with any partner taking their anger out on me. It's up to you if you put up with your boyfriends anger or not. I'd recommend that you don't. Which would mean, next time he gets angry with you my recommendation would be to say "Your angry attitude to me is not acceptable" and then walk away and leave him to reflect for a while, before contacting him and asking "Have you calmed down yet?". If his anger is repeated too often it'd be a case of walking away from him forever.


I even contacted other people who were around us who witnessed B's behaviour because I thought I might have overreacted- but they all came to the same conclusion ad me. I was a little bit hurt about him not defending me as I suffer from clinical depression and find it hard to stand up for myself, but I respected the fact that H was his friend and didn't say anything rude to him as I was trying to be mature. I really don't take my boyfriend for granted, I love him so much and he loves me a lot too, but I don't know how to make him happy again.. everytime I reach out to him, trying to fix things he gets angry and upset at me..
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
You have done nothing wrong. You have been open and honest about B's behaviour as you've seen it from your perspective.

If H or your current boyfriend are upset at you about being open and honest, then that's their problem and says more about them than it does about you.

B is not H's property. Your boyfriend is not your property. You are not anyone's property.

With relationships, they naturally have a honeymoon period lasting 6 months to 2 years. After that you start noticing and focusing on all the shortcomings of your partner. And start taking all their good points for granted. This is what's happening here with your boyfriend and the B incident has merely been the trigger for this happening.

I for one would would not put up with any partner taking their anger out on me. It's up to you if you put up with your boyfriends anger or not. I'd recommend that you don't. Which would mean, next time he gets angry with you my recommendation would be to say "Your angry attitude to me is not acceptable" and then walk away and leave him to reflect for a while, before contacting him and asking "Have you calmed down yet?". If his anger is repeated too often it'd be a case of walking away from him forever.


I dont know if I agree with that last part. saying 'Have you calmed down yet' is a bit too offending as that is likely to make him even more angry in a 'You cant talk to me like that' kind of way. Although I agree you shouldnt stand repeated anger I'd advise handling it in a more diplomatic way. Try tell him how you feel and be open about it, if he's commited to the relationship then he should understand what ur going thru.
Reply 5
Original post by Cyber Curry
I dont know if I agree with that last part. saying 'Have you calmed down yet' is a bit too offending as that is likely to make him even more angry in a 'You cant talk to me like that' kind of way. Although I agree you shouldnt stand repeated anger I'd advise handling it in a more diplomatic way. Try tell him how you feel and be open about it, if he's commited to the relationship then he should understand what ur going thru.


he's extremely loyal but after recent events he hasn't been as committed.. I can't disclose certain things as they are a little personal but he used to say some really sweet things to me to show his commitment, which he no longer says..
Most if not all relationship go through a rough point at some time. Probably the best thing to do then is to wait until it blows over, you'll find that these kinds of things heal easily after a while and it's not a relationship-ending event. Trust me, it won't go any further unless someone aggravates the situation.
OP, you may not take your boyfriend for granted, but he is taking you for granted. He's taking it for granted that he can get angry at you and get away with it. He wouldn't have behaved like this when you were first going out as there would have been too much of a risk that you'd have dumped him.
He's gotten to the stage where he is treating you worse than he would a complete stranger. This is very common behaviour. But just because it's common, doesn't make it right.

You may still be in the honeymoon period, but he isn't. And good for you for having the maturity to keep your relationship fresh.

I see your boyfriends angry behaviour as far more of an issue than this H and B sideshow.
Reply 8
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
OP, you may not take your boyfriend for granted, but he is taking you for granted. He's taking it for granted that he can get angry at you and get away with it. He wouldn't have behaved like this when you were first going out as there would have been too much of a risk that you'd have dumped him.
He's gotten to the stage where he is treating you worse than he would a complete stranger. This is very common behaviour. But just because it's common, doesn't make it right.

You may still be in the honeymoon period, but he isn't. And good for you for having the maturity to keep your relationship fresh.

I see your boyfriends angry behaviour as far more of an issue than this H and B sideshow.


When I told him I would've liked some support, he said I had changed and become demanding.. Is it demanding for me to ask my boyfriend to stand up for me, honest opinions? I don't really know, I would stand up for myself i just wanted to be a little bit mature and even then I don't really have the capability to stand up for myself, but he's just been so unhappy and depressed over losing this friend and i have no idea how to make things better :frown: He's no longer trying to be happy for my sake, he thinks we both have changed..
Reply 9
Original post by Cyber Curry
Most if not all relationship go through a rough point at some time. Probably the best thing to do then is to wait until it blows over, you'll find that these kinds of things heal easily after a while and it's not a relationship-ending event. Trust me, it won't go any further unless someone aggravates the situation.


i just think he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. Like i said, he used to say certain things that were very sweet and really committing, which he no longer says..
Original post by Anonymous
i just think he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. Like i said, he used to say certain things that were very sweet and really committing, which he no longer says..


You've been together for a year and 3 months. Of course he's going to be upset that he lost a friend but idk if thats a reason to end something so suddenly. Dont read too much into it, it'll blow over. Just keep it cool for a few weeks and then arrange a meet up. It'll be fine, things like this happen all the time.
Original post by Anonymous
When I told him I would've liked some support, he said I had changed and become demanding.. Is it demanding for me to ask my boyfriend to stand up for me, honest opinions? I don't really know, I would stand up for myself i just wanted to be a little bit mature and even then I don't really have the capability to stand up for myself, but he's just been so unhappy and depressed over losing this friend and i have no idea how to make things better :frown: He's no longer trying to be happy for my sake, he thinks we both have changed..
No I don't think it's demanding to ask him to stand up for you. Telling him to stand up for you might be demanding.

Getting depressed over losing a friend is not something that someone with their head screwed on straight would do. Friends come and go. That's life. If someone can't handle the loss of a friend - to the point of getting depressed about it - then that person has an underlying issue for which professional help may be of some use.

It's natural for young adults to evolve. Also natural for adults of any age to change and adapt over the first couple of years of a relationship. For the relationships that last and last this includes both partners finding ways to deal with conflict with each other.

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