This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

I hate being a social ghost!

What follows is just a little rant really - I'm not specifically looking for any advice although feel welcome to give any that comes to mind!

I'm currently at uni, and in some respects having the time of my life! I love the independence and the new opportunities and meeting new people, and my course is very interesting. I have many friends in the sense that I'm well known around my college and get on well with everyone, can fit in with all the groups - I'm sort of the 'glue' that keeps everything together!

However, whilst I may have alot of good one-on-one friendships with many people (which I am very grateful for), I feel like a bit of a social ghost in general - I don't really belong to any of the groups at uni and NEVER get invited to anything (it's like I don't exist!).

Normally I don't mind this so much, because I can console myself in the fact that I have alot of good close one-on-one friends (who I meet for coffee, lunch, etc) and I'm too shy/not myself in big groups. However, recently a few of my supposedly 'good' friends at college have had birthdays and I haven't been invited to a single one, even though they invited all our mutual friends :frown:

I realise that they haven't done it on purpose or anything, but it nevertheless saddens me that they didn't think to invite me. In fact I've actully become quite angry about the whole thing, because I've tried countless to keep informed abut what has been going on, and to be honest I'm sick of always finding out about things at the last minute.

So now I'm no longer bothering with anyone - I sit alone at the cantine, don't say hello to anyone that I bump into at halls, nothing. At first I was just doing this as a sort of cry for help, that someone may notice that things weren't quite right with bubbly Tariq! But it really does feel like I'm a ghost because NO ONE has picked up on it. So now I really am just not bothering with anyone anymore.

Thanks for reading and sorry about the length! x

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

ash_moo

Retreating into a shell isn't exactly going to help now, is it?

Reply 2

Tariqé

No, but I can't be bothered to try and get people to remember that I exist anymore!

Reply 3

ash_moo

Remember, no-one is going to want to talk to or socialise with someone who sits alone in the canteen, and refuses to say hi to them in the halls.

Reply 4

Tariqé

I dont think you're getting the point. I did the opposite of what I'm currently doing for a very long time; it didn't help.

Reply 5

GingerMarshmallow

I get it. Of course that's what you do. I think it's what anybody would do. But I wouldn't advise anything more drastic to get the attention you crave (and I don't mean that in a bad way - everybody deserves some attention). I've got to say I'm not sure what you can do about it. Maybe try going to some of the parties and stuff which aren't invite only and show you can enjoy those things (fake it if needs be) and maybe they'll be more obliging?
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful!

Reply 6

Tariqé

GingerMarshmallow

Thanks for the advice! I don't really mind when I'm not invited to the odd party, it's more when something special is going on like a 'good' friend's birthday etc and I'm not invited that I get a lil :mad:

It's just the fact that I'm never invited to any of these special events, and I do care about my friends and want to celebrate with them, whatever the celebration. Not being invited to a party which is just a party and mothing more I don't mind so much - when it actually means something that's when I get :frown:

But thanks for understanding! Will obviously not do anything more drastic than what I am doing, term finishes in a week anyway so there'd be no point in it

Reply 7

Alison267

why don't you ask your friends if theres any parties that you could ''tag'' (ergh i hate that word) along to.
or ask them if they want to go out for a drink one night or something?

& can't you start talking to those you see in your halls, and get to know them better,

i understand why you don't make an effort anymore but thats not going to get you very far, (without sounding harsh)

Reply 8

ash_moo

OK, sorry, I get it...

Just because you had some pricks for 'friends' doesn't mean that you still have to retreat.
Not everyone you meet is going to ignore you.

And by trying to make yourself invisible, you are giving yourself less of a chance to find some that don't.

But yeah, I do get what you mean.
Sometimes you have to run away just to see who follows you...

Reply 9

Tut.exe

dont worry about that... lots of people never click with groups or someone... im pretty sure of that coz you're not the first one to address this kind of problem. But sometimes you'll have to ask them yourself, like if they go out in a club join them :P

Reply 10

EarlHickey

better a ghost than the undead like me.

I have no friends at all, I have aquaintances who if I saw them up town would speak for a minute or 2, but most of the time they say they are in a rush.

Have never been to a party in my life and im 25 years old.

People think im a freak as im either really chatty to the point I dont shut up or ignore everyone and just grunt hello.

Reply 11

Tariqé

Alison267

I've already done the whole tagging along thing, and to be honest im sick of it - I always hear about things at the last minute, and feel like I'm going only because I asked, that I wasn't really wanted to tag along anyway.

I know everyone in halls. This is the problem. Everyone knows me, and before my sulk I would take the time out to talk to everyone I saw, see how they are etc.

Not making an effort won't get me far - agreed. But making an effort didn't either, so now I'm just going to get on with everything else in my life and wait until *someone* realises that something is bothering me and wants to help.

Thanks for the post though :smile:

Reply 12

Tariqé

ash_moo

(They don't ignore me, they just don't bother to invite me for anything. I basically feel like evreyone's mate who's good for a quick chat but not important enough in their life to invite to anything. I'm at a college at uni btw, its quite small (about 300 of us) I know virtually everyone, so there'es no real chance of finding other friends in my own college.)

THANKYOU, you understand my sentiments exactly!

Reply 13

Tariqé

EarlHickey

Sorry to hear that - I hope things get better.

Reply 14

t_ucd

I can identify with everything you wrote. In first year people would ask me to go to parties etc and when I never went, they just stopped asking after a while, and I don't blame them. Now that I'm finished university in May I'm a bit annoyed with myself for not making more of an effort, and determined to not make the same mistake once I start working. Anyway...I know it's so tempting to cut yourself off from everyone completely but it never worked for me! I've found a bit of effort on my part (eg asking a friend if they want to meet up for lunch or asking if they want to go to a party together) has made a huge difference to my friends, so maybe give it a go - you don't have anything to lose anyway!

Reply 15

ash_moo

Then make an effort to be more than just a chat.

Try to be a friend to people. Help them out. Initiate conversations. Invite them around.

I keep telling people - the world doesn't owe you anything.
You want something? Go and get it.

If making an effort didn't help, I can guarantee not making an effort will make it worse.

Reply 16

EarlHickey

Interestingly when im drunk im very chatty and speak to everyone from bar staff to some random girl/guy at bar waiting to be served then I dance like an idiot.

Reply 17

Rubix

dress sluttishly.
Your bound to be invited to all the parties.
And youd get lots more action.

Rubix: giving practical advice to the nation.

Reply 18

ash_moo

EarlHickey

Interestingly when im drunk im very chatty and speak to everyone from bar staff to some random girl/guy at bar waiting to be served then I dance like an idiot.

Try and do that when not drunk, and you should be a hit :wink:

(apart from the idiot dancing, although...goofy dancing can be quite attractive sometimes lol :p:

)

Reply 19

Tariqé

t_ucd

I never turned down any invitations that I got - but they dried up nevertheless!
And I've already done the effort stuff - one-on-one I'm good with people, although I suspect that may change...