need advice - kissed a guy for a bet Watch

Anonymous #1
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(Original post by theggbydealy)
Hey, OP. I've been reading this and honestly I've been smiling because it's actually nice to read. You don't need to choose the gay, straight, bisexual, etc etc labels. Just be. And if you like this guy, then keep spending time with him!

"I feel like there's two options here. Either I cut him off entirely (because just friends clearly won't work), and go back to being straight; or I begin a relationship with him but I'll have to hide it from my friends and family (which is hard) or tell them (which is even harder). What do you think I should do?"

Don't cut him off, OP. If you know you like him, begin a relationship with him. And of course, no one should have to know until you're ready to tell them.
(Original post by Anonymous)
I love this thread, please keep seeing the guy and keep us updated! I honestly think this is the cutest thing and you definitely have a connection with him! You definitely seem to be happy when you're with him, so keep doing it, and don't think about what friends/family will think until you feel ready to tell them. You might be surprised at how happy and proud of you they will be, you never know. There's a whole community out there who will support you through this, just keep being you OP! Xo
Aww thank you both so so much for your kind words! I guess I'll keep seeing him then . I'm actually a bit nervous to get in touch as I haven't heard from him after yesterday? What if he regrets it, or isn't looking for something serious? Also, what should I say? I really want to see him again but we literally hung out yesterday so inviting him over might be a bit too much?
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Anonymous #6
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Aw thank you so much for your reply! I'm just not sure whether being with him is worth all the confusion and people's reactions (or, if I decide not to tell anyone, the fear of people finding out). I don't know him very well just yet; what if it turns out we're not compatible at all? Do you think I should discuss these worries with him or would that be weird?

I've had two girlfriends before so I guess I can. Maybe I'm like 99% straight 1% gay.
That's called being bisexual.
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jadey.tw
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Nah c'mon, I'm not gay just because there's one guy that I kinda like!
Okay I just read this whole thread and this is all super cute, keep keeping us updated please! Again, to repeat what other people have said, you don't need labels. I'm bi, and theres no rigidity to sexuality, to me it ebbs and flows, theres no way to quantity your preferences they just ARE, bisexuality just means attraction to more than one gender no matter what the preference is.

Just communicate with the guy though, he deserves that. If you tell him you're working yourself out, he'll understand because he's most likely been there, trying to work himself out. He'd be good support for you if anything because he'd relate whereas obviously your lad friends are gonna be useless with this. So keep him in the know and just see where it goes. No need to work out a life plan right here right now.
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theggbydealy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Aww thank you both so so much for your kind words! I guess I'll keep seeing him then . I'm actually a bit nervous to get in touch as I haven't heard from him after yesterday? What if he regrets it, or isn't looking for something serious? Also, what should I say? I really want to see him again but we literally hung out yesterday so inviting him over might be a bit too much?
I think once you felt like there was a connection between both of you, then feel free to text him again! I'm sure he would like to hang out with you as well.
Then you could talk more, as the only way to know this: "What if he regrets it, or isn't looking for something serious?" is to ask him and find out yourself.
I don't think inviting him over may be a bit too much, as I said, if you felt like there was a connection, then I'm sure he'd really want to see you again too. But if you do feel like inviting him over is a bit too much, then why not text him and plan to meet somewhere else less "much"? A park? A cafe? The library? Wherever you choose to go, keep us updated, OP. This is quite nice
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by jadey.tw)
Okay I just read this whole thread and this is all super cute, keep keeping us updated please! Again, to repeat what other people have said, you don't need labels. I'm bi, and theres no rigidity to sexuality, to me it ebbs and flows, theres no way to quantity your preferences they just ARE, bisexuality just means attraction to more than one gender no matter what the preference is.

Just communicate with the guy though, he deserves that. If you tell him you're working yourself out, he'll understand because he's most likely been there, trying to work himself out. He'd be good support for you if anything because he'd relate whereas obviously your lad friends are gonna be useless with this. So keep him in the know and just see where it goes. No need to work out a life plan right here right now.
(Original post by theggbydealy)
I think once you felt like there was a connection between both of you, then feel free to text him again! I'm sure he would like to hang out with you as well.
Then you could talk more, as the only way to know this: "What if he regrets it, or isn't looking for something serious?" is to ask him and find out yourself.
I don't think inviting him over may be a bit too much, as I said, if you felt like there was a connection, then I'm sure he'd really want to see you again too. But if you do feel like inviting him over is a bit too much, then why not text him and plan to meet somewhere else less "much"? A park? A cafe? The library? Wherever you choose to go, keep us updated, OP. This is quite nice
Haha I'm glad you guys are enjoying my thread! Will keep you updated I'm gonna invite him over, kinda wanna kiss him again and I don't feel comfortable doing that in public so. But it's probably best we talk first, as you are saying, I should just be honest with him and see where that goes! I do feel like there's a "connection" indeed but he might not feel the same way, maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there lol. Argh I'm so nervous, hate feeling like this!
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chemboi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Nah c'mon, I'm not gay just because there's one guy that I kinda like!
Nope you take carrots in your chocolate factory now
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Rabbit2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ugh yes I'm feeling pretty bad about this, and I should definitely tell him but maybe just not in a facebook message? He seems like a decent lad and I don't want to hurt him in any way and text breakups (though I wouldn't say this is a breakup) are a bit harsh? Or do you not think so?
And should I be honest about the bet or pretend not to remember? I feel like both are bad options urgh

Btw I'm not gay or anything I just think that when you're kissing the gender doesn't really matter? He looks a bit like a girl and shaves and stuff so I barely noticed a difference, maybe also because I was drunk
Having missed opportunities in the past, i would recommend 'going for it'. Go out to dinner or something with him & give it a shot. You might really 'hit it off'. I have heard that you get only 3 or 4 big chances in life. This might be one of yours. You can always break up with him later, if things dont work out. I let a gal 'get away from me' in 1971, due to my lack of expressed interest, and i've always regretted it. Best of luck!!
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Rabbit2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry to bother yous but I just came back from my meeting with him.

I just explained everything honestly. He handled it quite well, seemed a little disappointed but said that he understood. However, I'd made the grave mistake of mentioning that the bet involved me kissing a guy for ten seconds, and we'd kissed, well, a bit longer than that. He asked me about that and I was gonna play it cool, but my face turned incredibly red - why??? I was also suddenly unable to come up with an excuse, because frankly there isn't one, so I ended up awkwardly mumbling something about him being a good kisser. Man, I should shoot myself.
Anyway, the rest of the afternoon was nice, we talked about lots of things and even though we lead very different lives we appear to have a lot in common. I'm generally a bit awkward around people I don't know very well, but after that initial situation I didn't feel awkward at all. Conversation seemed to flow naturally and I reckon we might become friends .

We also exchanged phone numbers and I'm considering messaging him. Should I, or would that be weird? I've just made it clear to him that I'm not romantically interested and maybe it would send across the wrong kind of message if I reached out already?
I would advise continuing to "work" the situation. You never know what might develop. Best of luck!!
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The TT
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ur gay
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Rabbit2)
Having missed opportunities in the past, i would recommend 'going for it'. Go out to dinner or something with him & give it a shot. You might really 'hit it off'. I have heard that you get only 3 or 4 big chances in life. This might be one of yours. You can always break up with him later, if things dont work out. I let a gal 'get away from me' in 1971, due to my lack of expressed interest, and i've always regretted it. Best of luck!!
Thanks a lot! I think you're right; with my previous girlfriends I didn't feel as though it'd last, but with him I feel somehow different even though I barely know him.
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Asazycat
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Alright so I was at this pretty big party last night and was just joking around with some of my mates about sexuality n stuff. One of them then said that I'm apparently so scared of not being straight that I wouldn't kiss a guy for twenty quid. I, slightly drunk and incredibly skint, decided to prove him wrong.

So I approached this bloke who's pretty good looking and openly bisexual. Talked/flirted for a bit then snogged him. Dashed off with a lame excuse and got my money.

But now he's sent me a message on facebook, saying that he had a good time last night and asking me to meet up for coffee. I could've seen this coming honestly because we had a nice chat (and also a pretty nice kiss) and I'm just not sure what to do? I feel a bit bad about "using" him like this, so what should I say?
Wow, crazy things do happen here. Well, just tell him the truth. Sure it will hurt him, but if you drag it out any longer, it will be worse in the long term.


"Few moments of courage will save many moments of regret"
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BritishJew
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Probably bisexual.

As a straight male I'm a bit jealous of bisexuals (of either gender).

They don't get disappointed if the man to woman ratio is rubbish in a pub or club (e.g. sausage fest). They have more options.

The major problem I can foresee is that if it turns out that you are proper bisexual and one day you marry a female... you'll probably end up having an affair with a man. Or if you marry a man, an affair with a woman.

One day if you settle down you will have to suppress half of your sexuality or commit adultery to feel fulfilled, unless you find a very understanding partner - although that would probably have to be a two way street (so an open relationship).

So perhaps being bisexual actually sucks?
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jadey.tw
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(Original post by ryan85)
Probably bisexual.

As a straight male I'm a bit jealous of bisexuals (of either gender).

They don't get disappointed if the man to woman ratio is rubbish in a pub or club (e.g. sausage fest). They have more options.

The major problem I can foresee is that if it turns out that you are proper bisexual and one day you marry a female... you'll probably end up having an affair with a man. Or if you marry a man, an affair with a woman.

One day if you settle down you will have to suppress half of your sexuality or commit adultery to feel fulfilled, unless you find a very understanding partner - although that would probably have to be a two way street (so an open relationship).

So perhaps being bisexual actually sucks?
Okay whoa whoa whoa, being bisexual does not mean you're unfaithful there is literally no correlation. When you're dating a girl, do you have to suppress shagging every other girl you see? No, because if you're dating someone we're assuming you love them. If I settled down with someone of either gender, its because I actually care about them and want to have a relationship with them. I'm not going to cheat on them because I find other people attractive. Having that mindset not only undermines bisexuals as being the "cheaters" but would also mean ANYONE who settles down would also cheat because they're attracted to other people. Attraction does not equal promiscuous.
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BritishJew
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(Original post by jadey.tw)
Okay whoa whoa whoa, being bisexual does not mean you're unfaithful there is literally no correlation. When you're dating a girl, do you have to suppress shagging every other girl you see? No, because if you're dating someone we're assuming you love them. If I settled down with someone of either gender, its because I actually care about them and want to have a relationship with them. I'm not going to cheat on them because I find other people attractive. Having that mindset not only undermines bisexuals as being the "cheaters" but would also mean ANYONE who settles down would also cheat because they're attracted to other people. Attraction does not equal promiscuous.
There have actually been numerous studies on this subject which I presume you haven't read

Bisexuals have a more negative attitude towards monogamy than any other group. There was also a study which showed bisexual women are much more likely to be in a straight relationship than a gay one (80:20 ratio).

Numerous studies have shown that bisexual people are more likely to cheat on your partner. One study showed that a bisexual is 50% more likely to have an affair than a straight person. Contrary to their being "literally no correlation" as you claim, it looks like academic research always finds a very clear correlation.

I'm afraid I base most of my opinions on academic research (preferably peer-reviewed) and not on anecdotal evidence or on whose feelings I may upset and trigger into multiple screeches of 'whoa'. .

It doesn't take a genius to work out that a bi in a relationship with a man may get a craving for flange, and a bi in a relationship with a female may get a strong craving for a bite of sausage.
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jadey.tw
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(Original post by ryan85)
There have actually been numerous studies on this subject which I presume you haven't read

Bisexuals have a more negative attitude towards monogamy than any other group. There was also a study which showed bisexual women are much more likely to be in a straight relationship than a gay one (80:20 ratio).

Numerous studies have shown that bisexual people are more likely to cheat on your partner. One study showed that a bisexual is 50% more likely to have an affair than a straight person.

I'm afraid I base most of my opinions on academic research (preferably peer-reviewed) and not on anecdotal evidence or on whose feelings I may upset.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that a bi man in a straight relationship may miss a penis now and again, and a bi man in a gay relationship may get cravings for minge.
don't you think that bisexual girls end up with straight guys because theres actually more of them? and theres a lot of stigma still around it, so its hard to find bisexual or lesbian women to date long term? or these girls have actually fallen in love so are settling with someone they care about?
as for cheating, its all likelihoods but not inevitable. kinda gross for you to just come onto this thread of a guy thinking he's happy and working himself out just to whinge that YOU think HIS love life is doomed. if you're straight, really shouldn't bother you, and all your research on how bisexuals are doomed will never reflect absolute certainties on all bisexuals.

"In reality, a great many bisexual individuals have happily monogamous relationships with their partners; for example, by the end of Dr. Diamond’s ten-year study,2 fully 89% of bisexual women were in monogamous, long-term relationships. Furthermore, for those bisexual individuals who do desire multiple sexual partners, research suggests that they typically achieve this goal by negotiating open relationships with their partners, NOT by sneaking around behind their partners’ backs.4 I could find no research supporting the idea that bisexuals are any less faithful or honest with their partners than people of other sexual orientations.
Taken together, the small but growing field of research on bisexuality is promising that it counteracts many of the myths and misconceptions surrounding bisexuality, while also providing some interesting insights to sexuality in general. Unlike other sources such as pop culture or the media, scientific studies suggest that bisexuality is a relatively stable, consistent sexual identity. We need more research to better understand ways in which bisexuality is similar to monosexual identities (i.e., heterosexual, gay, and lesbian), as well as ways in which it might be unique." http://www.scienceofrelationships.co...y-science.html

there hasn't been enough research to be conclusive.
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mbovett
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Yet another bi girl swooping in here to have some input.

OP - I hope things work out with you and this guy!! It sounds like you're on a bit of a discovery journey here regarding sexuality and romantic preferences. Whilst forums like this are of course a great way to share what's on your mind and seek advice, for this particular topic you may find a little more help in a group or forum site that's more central to the LGBT+ community - obviously you don't have to label yourself as LGBT+ at all, but in my personal experience those kinds of groups are the best to go to when you're feeling confused/noticing a change in your sexual preference, just because they're filled with people who have authentic experiences of what you're going through and you might find some helpful new perspectives from asking specifically those experienced communities. Regardless, I wish you the best with all of this and I am quite enjoying this thread

Everyone who's commenting something along the lines of 'that's called being gay/bi' or 'you're gay/bi' - No matter whether you're someone who's in the LGBT+ community and has a lot of experience dealing with this sort of topic, or whether you're making suggestions based on your own views of what being gay/bi or having a confusion around sexuality might be like, please consider avoiding posts like this. Telling someone who is in the middle of working out who they are and what they want that they can't choose and work it out on their own, and that they're definitely a certain sexuality or identity, generally leads to more confusion. Moreover, if OP doesn't want to identify with any label, then shoving a label in their face certainly won't help much. I imagine it's about as frustrating as when people tell me that I'm not actually bi, I'm just a repressed lesbian who doesn't want to completely come out the closet (yes, that's a genuine thing that actual, real people have said to me, to my face)

(Original post by jadey.tw)
Okay whoa whoa whoa, being bisexual does not mean you're unfaithful there is literally no correlation. When you're dating a girl, do you have to suppress shagging every other girl you see? No, because if you're dating someone we're assuming you love them. If I settled down with someone of either gender, its because I actually care about them and want to have a relationship with them. I'm not going to cheat on them because I find other people attractive. Having that mindset not only undermines bisexuals as being the "cheaters" but would also mean ANYONE who settles down would also cheat because they're attracted to other people. Attraction does not equal promiscuous.
And you, my friend - kudos for sticking up for the community. I was gonna comment pretty much the exact same thing before I saw you'd already taken care of it
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BritishJew
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(Original post by jadey.tw)
don't you think that bisexual girls end up with straight guys because theres actually more of them? .
Possibly, that would require further research I guess. Other possibilities that could be explored include whether they gravitate towards straight relationships with males due to the natural desire to conceive a child?

(Original post by jadey.tw)
as for cheating, its all likelihoods but not inevitable.
I never said it was inevitable, you brought that word into this debate.

(Original post by jadey.tw)
kinda gross for you to just come onto this thread of a guy thinking he's happy and working himself out just to whinge that YOU think HIS love life is doomed.
Pretty sure there were quite a few people mocking him for being gay, which is blatant homophobia, and that I stated that I've long been jealous of bisexuals. Interesting that you skip the blatant homophobes to choose me for your argument. Happy to debate nonetheless.


if you're straight, really shouldn't bother you
Two things:

1). Are you saying that straight males can't contribute to certain discussions? Isn't that discriminatory? I can pull out my Jew card if you want, if we're going to play identity politics trump cards.

2). I never said it bothered me, I think its nice. I'm warning you not to drag this into a direction where you begin to imply that I am in any way homophobic, because you really won't like how that game ends.

will never reflect absolute certainties on all bisexuals.
Are we playing a game of state the obvious?

fully 89% of bisexual women were in monogamous, long-term relationships.
Although 30% of them will cheat which is an approximately 50% higher number than straight or gay individuals. Personally I'm not sure that we should continue down this path of discussing primarily bisexual females though, the OP here is a potentially bisexual male isn't he? Interesting that a straight male is called out for being on a thread about a potential relationship between two males, but bisexual females are allowed - who wrote those rules please and can I have a word with him or her or they?
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jadey.tw
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(Original post by mbovett)
Yet another bi girl swooping in here to have some input.

And you, my friend - kudos for sticking up for the community. I was gonna comment pretty much the exact same thing before I saw you'd already taken care of it
exhausting but has to be done aye also im sorry you've had people throw the lesbian line at you!!x

(Original post by ryan85)
Possibly, that would require further research I guess. Other possibilities that could be explored include whether they gravitate towards straight relationships with males due to the natural desire to conceive a child?



I never said it was inevitable, you brought that word into this debate.



Pretty sure there were quite a few people mocking him for being gay, which is blatant homophobia, and that I stated that I've long been jealous of bisexuals. Interesting that you skip the blatant homophobes to choose me for your argument. Happy to debate nonetheless.




Two things:

1). Are you saying that straight males can't contribute to certain discussions? Isn't that discriminatory?

2). I never said it bothered me, I think its nice. I'm warning you not to drag this into a direction where you begin to imply that I am in any way homophobic, because you really won't like how that game ends.



Are we playing a game of state the obvious?



Although 30% of them will cheat, so clearly not all of those 89% are happy. I'm not sure that we should continue down this path of discussing primarily bisexual females though, the OP here is a bisexual male isn't he?
Look, I'm not saying you're homophobic, never said that alright. I'm ignoring the blatant homophobic comments because they're not worth my time responding but you are happy to talk with more reason. I simply think that no matter how much you believe bisexuals are destined to live sad, miserable, unfulfilled lives, its not really your place to jump in on a thread like this with someone who is trying to work themselves out and run your mouth about how *****y you think we have it, and the only good thing going for bisexuals is that we have more choice and people to get with in a club? bit sad yanno. but I get you're not going to change your opinion so whatevers,
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NinjaNerdfighter
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(Original post by ryan85)
There have actually been numerous studies on this subject which I presume you haven't read

Bisexuals have a more negative attitude towards monogamy than any other group. There was also a study which showed bisexual women are much more likely to be in a straight relationship than a gay one (80:20 ratio).

Numerous studies have shown that bisexual people are more likely to cheat on your partner. One study showed that a bisexual is 50% more likely to have an affair than a straight person. Contrary to their being "literally no correlation" as you claim, it looks like academic research always finds a very clear correlation.

I'm afraid I base most of my opinions on academic research (preferably peer-reviewed) and not on anecdotal evidence or on whose feelings I may upset and trigger into multiple screeches of 'whoa'. .

It doesn't take a genius to work out that a bi in a relationship with a man may get a craving for flange, and a bi in a relationship with a female may get a strong craving for a bite of sausage.
Sources please
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BritishJew
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(Original post by jadey.tw)
I simply think that no matter how much you believe bisexuals are destined to live sad, miserable, unfulfilled lives, its not really your place to jump in on a thread like this with someone who is trying to work themselves out and run your mouth about how *****y you think we have it, and the only good thing going for bisexuals is that we have more choice and people to get with in a club? bit sad yanno. but I get you're not going to change your opinion so whatevers,
I think the moment anybody resorts to such hyperbole they've lost the argument or don't know what argument they are trying to have.

I find it fascinating that if I was as orthodox religiously as some of my relatives and friends in my community I could have said something really offensive about homosexuality based entirely on religious grounds and a quote from an ancient book and have been left alone because I'd played my "jew card".

But that when you play a card and it says "straight male" there are people who bypass blatant homophobes and fancy starting a fight with you.

Good luck to the OP, I hope he finds happiness and has some fun, possibly even find love - with whoever that may be.
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