Turn on thread page Beta

Should I break up with my boyfriend because he smokes on nights out? watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I only found out recently. I can’t deny that it really has pissed me off. I told my mum and she was surprised and said “ we didn’t know he smoked “ and I know it’s only socially but surely if it’s onlt then he wouldn’t be addicted? I asked him nicelt if he could stop but he said “ I’m not being controlled at 20” and I understand that but part of me also says if he loved me he would stop, especially seeing as he’s not addicted. I really need advice. I love him. Shall I just let him smoke on nights out and continue to be with him?
    • Section Leader
    • Very Important Poster
    • Peer Support Volunteers
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Section Leader
    Very Important Poster
    Peer Support Volunteers
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I only found out recently. I can’t deny that it really has pissed me off. I told my mum and she was surprised and said “ we didn’t know he smoked “ and I know it’s only socially but surely if it’s onlt then he wouldn’t be addicted? I asked him nicelt if he could stop but he said “ I’m not being controlled at 20” and I understand that but part of me also says if he loved me he would stop, especially seeing as he’s not addicted. I really need advice. I love him. Shall I just let him smoke on nights out and continue to be with him?
    I think if smoking is one of those things that you can't stand then it's a reasonable thing to break up with someone over, saying he's not being controlled at 20 comes across as quite immature especially as you're only concerned about his health.
    • Political Ambassador
    Offline

    22
    ReputationRep:
    Political Ambassador
    Well, talk to him about it first and get him to stop smoking
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    you deserve better than this self-indulgent hedonist.
    Offline

    6
    ReputationRep:
    Smoking really bothers me, and my boyfriend knows and he's decided to quit because he realises that being with me is more important than being addicted to something that will eventually kill you. I'd say that you give him a choice between you and smoking because if he's not that addicted then it should be easier to give up than people who are addicted. It also shows dedication if he does give up and it shows he's committed to you and if he can't bring himself to do it then what's the point of being with him?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by blurryleo)
    Smoking really bothers me, and my boyfriend knows and he's decided to quit because he realises that being with me is more important than being addicted to something that will eventually kill you. I'd say that you give him a choice between you and smoking because if he's not that addicted then it should be easier to give up than people who are addicted. It also shows dedication if he does give up and it shows he's committed to you and if he can't bring himself to do it then what's the point of being with him?
    Yes exactly!! He said that it makes him “ uncomfortable “ having to promise not to do it again because he said if he’s drunk he might accept one. Do I accept this or not? I don’t want to be that controlling girlfriend but if I smoked and he hated it I would definitely stop
    Offline

    6
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes exactly!! He said that it makes him “ uncomfortable “ having to promise not to do it again because he said if he’s drunk he might accept one. Do I accept this or not? I don’t want to be that controlling girlfriend but if I smoked and he hated it I would definitely stop
    It's clear that he doesn't seem to value your relationship as much as you do because it's a little sacrifice to make for spending potentially the rest of your life with the person you love. Plus it's a healthier choice and it means you don't stink as much. It's a win win in my opinion and if he was addicted it would be another story because it's harder to give up but at least if he took steps to trying it would be something. Have you discussed maybe alternatives to smoking like vaping perhaps? It's all about finding that compromise that you both can accept as relationships often require some sacrifices to make it work. I hope this helped
    • Community Assistant
    Online

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Community Assistant
    Don't be so creepy and controlling.
    Offline

    5
    ReputationRep:
    If you dislike smoking that is fine but you can't make him choose between smoking or yourself that is ridiculous. I understand you asked him nicely to stop and he refused, that is his choice so respect it. I dislike smoking but if someone wants to smoke, for whatever reason, it isn't my place to stop them from that decision they made. If it bothers you that much, talk to him again and let him know why you want him to stop and why it bothers you that much, but like I said at the end of the day it is his life and his decision.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by The Inspector)
    If you dislike smoking that is fine but you can't make him choose between smoking or yourself that is ridiculous. I understand you asked him nicely to stop and he refused, that is his choice so respect it. I dislike smoking but if someone wants to smoke, for whatever reason, it isn't my place to stop them from that decision they made. If it bothers you that much, talk to him again and let him know why you want him to stop and why it bothers you that much, but like I said at the end of the day it is his life and his decision.
    I think its perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to stop smoking if you don't like it. I mean think about it, if you're thinking of potentially spending the rest of your life with them, then I can understand not wanting to worry about them developing a serious disease 10, 20, 30 years down the line. I'd rather end it now than go through the pain of seeing a loved one die because of poor life choices. Also, smoking not only affects you. If you live with a person that smokes then you might as well be smoking yourself. The smoke is on them constantly and you can always smell it. If someone finds the smell of smoke repulsive then why would they want to be with a partner that smells like it all the time?

    If they are not willing to stop for your sake then they clearly don't care about you as much and aren't worth your time. I know its their decision to smoke and all but some things are less important than maintaining a good relationship. Its not like OP is asking them to stop doing a hobby just because they don't like it, they're trying to make them stop a bad habit for the benefit of both. Even occasional/social smoking can turn into an addiction very quickly.
    Offline

    5
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think its perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to stop smoking if you don't like it. I mean think about it, if you're thinking of potentially spending the rest of your life with them, then I can understand not wanting to worry about them developing a serious disease 10, 20, 30 years down the line. I'd rather end it now than go through the pain of seeing a loved one die because of poor life choices. Also, smoking not only affects you. If you live with a person that smokes then you might as well be smoking yourself. The smoke is on them constantly and you can always smell it. If someone finds the smell of smoke repulsive then why would they want to be with a partner that smells like it all the time?

    If they are not willing to stop for your sake then they clearly don't care about you as much and aren't worth your time. I know its their decision to smoke and all but some things are less important than maintaining a good relationship. Its not like OP is asking them to stop doing a hobby just because they don't like it, they're trying to make them stop a bad habit for the benefit of both. Even occasional/social smoking can turn into an addiction very quickly.
    Yes I understand what you mean. I absolutely hate smoking myself, but for me I wouldn't just insist and expect they just drop smoking is what I was trying to get across. There is a good friend of mine that smokes to relieve stress and finds it helps him to calm down but I didn't just say you should stop smoking it is bad for him and then stopped being his friend because he refused. That was his choice and I understood that but I still tried to get him to stop.
    • #3
    #3

    Making a partner quit smoking or drugs never ends well. No one likes to feel controlled or like they're being told off. You shouldn't be acting like his mum especially if it's something as minor as socially smoking. Even if he did stop, he would probably resent you a bit and would probably continue smoking behind your back. At the age of 20, I find a very very high proportion of people smoke on nights out. So for you to ask him to stop is probably a bit unreasonable especially because it doesn't really affect you that much directly.

    Clearly it's a big deal for you but I think it goes both ways. You think by him not stopping means he doesn't love or care about you. But for you to throw away a relationship just because your boyfriend occasionally smokes out of enjoyment is also a bit ridiculous. Maybe you don't love him enough either.

    Telling him to stop isn't really going to work because at that age people think they'll be fine and it won't affect their health. Especially when all their mates are also smoking.

    What I would suggest instead is not letting him kiss you (and have sex) after he has been smoking. Tell him you can't handle the smell or the taste. If he thinks you're being stupid then just tell him it's like if you wore a really horrible perfume, he asked you to stop and you refused because you like it.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    If you really can't stand him smoking, you need to call the whole thing off. I understand you're concerned about his health, which is perfectly reasonable, but saying "if you loved me, you'd stop" is so manipulative and unfair.
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by blurryleo)
    Smoking really bothers me, and my boyfriend knows and he's decided to quit because he realises that being with me is more important than being addicted to something that will eventually kill you. I'd say that you give him a choice between you and smoking because if he's not that addicted then it should be easier to give up than people who are addicted. It also shows dedication if he does give up and it shows he's committed to you and if he can't bring himself to do it then what's the point of being with him?
    girl i understand, i would too.

    dump his a*s
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: May 24, 2018

1,010

students online now

800,000+

Exam discussions

Find your exam discussion here

Poll
Should predicted grades be removed from the uni application process

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.