I'm 18, live in the South West of England, I'm female.
I just want to become a better person, a nicer one, have less hate in me, more confidence, become happier, make friends and get into a good and happy relationship.
Me now? I ruin all of my relationships and friendships, no it's not always my fault but a lot of the time it is definitely me but I have met some nasty, negative and toxic people in my life and got mixed up with the wrong people and lost good people.
I've ruined my whole life, no GCSEs as I failed every single one and by that I got bad fail grades, I am in college doing level 1 functional skills English and maths but made no friends there or real friends in my last college while doing entry level 3. I have barely any work experience and struggle to get interviews now, I'm not the smartest person but been told my English is good, maths I struggle badly with but also I struggle with anxiety, depression and memory problems and previously low iron. I've been on and off with friends and not been a complete loner, I've been popular, didn't have a bad childhood other than a bit of bullying, I'm from a working class family but still had a lot given to Me, I always wish I was rich though. I don't speak to siblings much and have no contact with cousins and barely see grandparents. I only live for my pets now.
I've had some great weekends recently for my life to fall apart and lose those friends within hours after. I've gone from drinking, having a great time, being very sociable to nothing as I now have 0 friends or people to go out with. I'm speaking to a girl now but we haven't met up yet and I'm hoping we become great friends. I can be useless at making friends face to face as I have no confidence.
I've been called horrible, nasty and other things by people I fell our with recently and I think they are partly right but in no way are they nice people either but I think they might be right about me, I ruin everything without meaning too and it's next to impossible for me to be happy for long. I am very lonely atm. All I have worth living for is pets.
What do I do? I never used to be like this. I used to cyber bully so I probably deserve to be unhappy, Karma right? I wish I was nice and innocent and could say I've never bullied, it's almost like I have a darkness, I can be so nice and do horrible but I want to be nice 24/7, I want friends, relationship, job, car, holidays, apartment and to be happy.