How to deal with grief? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 10 years ago
#1
Um, well my dad is in the hospital atm, and I'm finding it really hard to cope.. with the stress of exams, and the family situation right now. They've given him about a week or two to live, it's unlikely he'll come home again. He had a major bleed yesterday, and they said if it happens again he'll most likely die.

I have a trip next week aswell, but.. tbh I really dont know if I should go or not. I dont want to be away, when he does..
And everytime I'm happy - after avoiding thinking about it, I feel guilty. I dont know what to do, or how I should feel?!
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ellabella
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#2
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#2
i'm really sorry to hear your dad is ill, it must be tough. i dont think you should worry about exams at the moment, spend as much time as possible with your dad and your family. exams are less important and if it comes down to it you could pull an all nighter before the exam to cram (obviously, not ideal, but you have other priorities and there's always retakes, or you might get some discrepancy from the exam board). if you are able to study and you have the time, it might be good to take your mind off things for a while, cos you cant spend all your time with your dad and family, but if you find it hard to concentrate don't worry.

nobody can tell you how to feel. try to remember than no pain lasts forever, and you will get through this.
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southernlight
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#3
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Forget about exams. If you still take them and the situation has been explained to your teachers at school, the exam boards do make an exception. So don't worry about them - they're not important right now.

Try and remember the good times you've had with him - can I ask, is he concious or unconscious? If he's conscious it might be nice to talk about those good times with him - it would be good for both of you, and if he's unconscious, can you talk about it with your family?

I think it's also important you keep some time for yourself, when you don't think about it - if only for a short while, it's up to you how long. Is there someone at school who you're really close with that you could just talk to about absolutely anything? It's good to get things off your chest

Is the trip a day trip or longer? Maybe see with school whether it would be possible to let them know on the day whether you're going or not, and then if his condition doesn't worsen too much it might be nice to get out, as long as you feel you could cope with it.

If you want to chat on msn or email or whatever, PM me..
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Oribu
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#4
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#4
Hi
my best friend died a few years ago, you must be going through a very tough time. I always used to feel guilty about being happy, but then I realised that my friend would want me to be happy, and I'm sure that your dad wants the same. I found it useful to write a memory book, writing some of my memories in a book to remember her by. Talk to your friends and family about how you feel, you always feel better.

My thoughts are with you
XXXX
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h82think
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#5
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#5
Surely your school/college/uni should be sympathetic to your situation?

If I was in your situation: I'd just spend all my time with my family while we still could.
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Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 10 years ago
#6
He can't talk. The trip is about 4 days.

I would talk to others about it (I've only told one or two good friends) but I'm afraid it'll go around the school.. and that'd be the last thing I want!
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Anonymous #1
#7
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#7
The exams not actually a problem, but this trip is supposed to cover ALOT of the topics in the syllabus. And the school term is ending much earlier than usual (only about 4 weeks left!) ..
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britishseapower
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#8
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Um, well my dad is in the hospital atm, and I'm finding it really hard to cope.. with the stress of exams, and the family situation right now. They've given him about a week or two to live, it's unlikely he'll come home again. He had a major bleed yesterday, and they said if it happens again he'll most likely die.

I have a trip next week aswell, but.. tbh I really dont know if I should go or not. I dont want to be away, when he does..
And everytime I'm happy - after avoiding thinking about it, I feel guilty. I dont know what to do, or how I should feel?!
I know how you are feeling, I lost my dad when I was 16 and my step dad has terminal cancer. Your main priority at the minute is being with your family, don't worry about the exams, their insignificant in the grand scheme of things. As others have pointed out, the exam board will consider mitigating circumstances such as this and even in the worst case scenario, it's not the end of the world if you don't sit your exams. There is always time to do resits/perhaps take a year out and catch up e.t.c.

Personally I wouldn't go on the trip if you know that there is a strong possibility that he could pass away very soon. Your mind won't be on the trip anyway if you do go, you will spend all of your time worrying more than likely so you might as well give it a miss. As for dealing with grief, it just takes time, there isn't really a quick solution. It took me a good few months to get myself back on track after my father died.
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britishseapower
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#9
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The exams not actually a problem, but this trip is supposed to cover ALOT of the topics in the syllabus. And the school term is ending much earlier than usual (only about 4 weeks left!) ..
I would explain your circumstance to your teachers, whilst the trip might be beneficial in aiding your understanding of the area, I doubt you will learn anything that will be the difference between you failing or passing the exam, assuming you do the revision. If you can't go, surely any important information gleaned from the trip should be provided to you as it's not like you're missing the trip because you can't be bothered going; you have genuine reasons.
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kinglrb
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#10
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I'm very sorry to hear about your father. I think that you might get support from the teachers in term of what you'll miss on the trip sure it won't be the same but they can go over it for you and am sure they'll accept your circumstances. I think staying with your dad would be a priority, it can make the greatest difference to him. My auntie passed away couple of weeks back and I was incredibly upset because I hadn't seen her for 3 years and I was planning to see her the following weekend.

Am really sorry about your situation, if there is anything we can do please let us know.
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Frannnnn
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#11
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#11
i'm really sorry to hear about your situation. i think everybody copes in different ways with grief and stuff. it's kind of each to their own, i think.
i understand about feeling guilty when you're happy atm, but do what you feel is best sorry i'm not very helpful :/
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Anonymous #1
#12
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#12
Yeah that is usually the response I get. Not many people can understand, so I prefer not to tell them..

@ britishseapower - Thanks, well.. I dont really want to give up now, in my views, that's like the coward's way out. Though it's not at all like that, it seems like an excuse to escape doing exams, when it COULD still be done.
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britishseapower
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah that is usually the response I get. Not many people can understand, so I prefer not to tell them..

@ britishseapower - Thanks, well.. I dont really want to give up now, in my views, that's like the coward's way out. Though it's not at all like that, it seems like an excuse to escape doing exams, when it COULD still be done.
do your exams by all means, all I'm saying is, don't beat yourself up about it. Even if you do your exams and your performance is affected by your circumstances, if you tell your teachers/the exam board beforehand, they will take that into consideration. Also, I was a bit of an idiot at school and never revised or anything and whilst I didn't go great in my exams, I didn't do bad either considering I never put the work in. I managed to turn my grades around in college though and work hard and I graduate from uni in July so there is still hope no matter how bad or good you do in your GCSEs.
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louisedotcom
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#14
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I know how you feel in the sense that my dad was involved in a bad accident during my GCSE year, I also had a school trip 2 days after the accident, and a week long one due a couple of weeks later. I really thought he was going to die. Looking back I have no idea how I coped, or how I got through it. I had mock exams going on, coursework due in for more or less every subject- all the while I was spending every waking moment at the hospital. I remember that I kind of took on another persona, and acted as though everything was fine, putting on a brave face, mostly for the sake of my mum who had so much going on, and also for my dad. I didnt want him to see me upset, and feel guilty. Although I remember going home everynight and crying myself to sleep over a pile of school work. At the time I didnt really feel it, as I was in a constant daze, but looking back the stress must have been immense.

It was such a sureal time and to think back now makes me want to cry, I just want to be able to give my then self a hug.


The only thing I can say is dont be afraid to cry, and to scream and to punch cushions or whatever you feel you need to do to make yourself feel better. Keeping it in doesnt help, and if you feel angry or upset or even happy at any point no one is going to judge you for that.

Thankfully my dad came out of hospital before my going away trip, so I was able to go on that, but If he hadnt I wouldnt have gone. You need to do what you feel is right, but if you'll regret not being there if the worst happens, dont go- you'll regret not going on the trip far less.

I hate to think that anyone ever has to go through something similar to what I did. Its the worst feeling in the world seeing your parent in a hospital bed thinking that everytime you see them could be the last. I really hope things go well for you and that your dads able to come home. But no matter what happens, you'll get through it, just take things one step at a time and dont put too much pressure on yourself.
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Anonymous #1
#15
Report Thread starter 10 years ago
#15
Still wondering if I should go to this trip or not. Wavering, because people were depending on me to go.

I'm in my A2 level.. but yeah, I know what you're saying.

How did you cope with your situation?
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britishseapower
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#16
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Just another point I would like to add, the day my dad died, I was due to go out with my girlfriend at the time and her family. Instead of cancelling it, I chose to go as I didn't want to stay in the house, I guess I was just running away. I asked my mum if it would be okay and she said yes so I went. I didn't particularly enjoy myself that day and all I thought about was what had happened. I recently found out that my mum was extremely upset by this and saw it as me leaving her when she needed me most. Looking back, it was the wrong decision but I was only 16 at the time and I didn't know my head from my ass and it's not every day something like that happens and I didn't know what to do. It's just something to bear in mind with regards this trip, I don't want to make you feel guilty about going on it if you choose to, or anything, but I think it would be for the best if you never went.
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Sarahl89
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#17
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im so sorry that is terrible, i hope he gets better :].

Ive no idea what you must be going through - ive lost people who were thattt close to me, but its always been so sudden there was no time to dwell on it beforehand.

But i can tell you that that feeling of feeling guilty to be happy happened to me SO much. if i forgot for a split second what had happened at first i would just start crying, scared that i would forget her. that went on for months and months.

ive no advice as to what to do about that - i personally didnt want to do anything at all about it - i really didnt WANT to be happy at all, as i felt so strongly that i shouldnt be. which of course is nonsense, your dad wants you to be happy.

Theres no way that you 'should' feel. People cope with these situations very differently, you just need to go through the motions.

As for a school trip.. if i was in your situation i would refuse point blank to go, there would be no debate or question about it. my view would be one of 'screw the exams' to be quite honest. no matter how 'important' they are. & i would tell that to my teachers as my reason as well.
id just hate to think that someone i love had died in my absence cause i was off on a school jolly knowing that it could maybe happen - hell i feel bad enough about it happening when i had no way of knowing or stopping it and iwas in the same house with them when it happened because i didnt go to hospital with them or visit them after they died - something ill feel guilty about and regret forever. i cant imagine how i would have coped if id been on a school trip at the time.

And you have to stop talking about 'excuses' - you are NOT using your dads illness as an excuse, it is a REASON. and there is a definate difference, you havee to remember that.


and hun now is not a time for grief, its a time for hope - your dad is still here - spend as much time with him as you can, fit in your work for your exams around that, your dad is far more important, obviously, and the exams are not going anywhere.
i hope your dad gets better stay positive while you can xxxxxx
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Anonymous #1
#18
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#18
Thanks, all the comments are much appreciated. Keep them coming please.

You're right, tbh I'm pretty paranoid when it comes to expressing emotions. I just don't want to kill other people's spirits, letting them know whenever I feel down.

I hate the fact that I'm losing him at all, and that when it does happen, I'll only have my mum, sister and brother to support.
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britishseapower
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#19
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks, all the comments are much appreciated. Keep them coming please.

You're right, tbh I'm pretty paranoid when it comes to expressing emotions. I just don't want to kill other people's spirits, letting them know whenever I feel down.

I hate the fact that I'm losing him at all, and that when it does happen, I'll only have my mum, sister and brother to support.
it doesn't do you much good keeping it all bottled in. Everyone is going to be feeling down so don't worry about feeling down too. It's only natural.
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mollymustard
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#20
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I don't think you should go on thr trip.
You should be with your dad around this terrible time to be honest.

My uncle didn't go and see my grandad the week of his death and he has never forgiven himself. He can barely even look back at the good memories because he feels so guilty about it.

A trip is a trip, but you should be with your family right now.
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