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Boyfriend loves me but doesn't want a relationship watch

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    So me and my boyfriend have been together for 2-3 years, and the past 6 months have been really serious and we've been really close.

    Last month he said to me he doesn't think he wants a relationship, one because of work load at A levels (which is understandable, but I don't see how I'm getting in the way as I give him room to balance it all, as I have A levels too), and two he doesnt know... he apparently just doesnt want a relationship at the moment. He said if he knew the reason why he'd tell me. He said it's not anything to do with how he feels for me, he says he loves me more than ever: "i love you to pieces" etc etc. The thing is every time we're alone together we just kiss and we slept together. He said the other day "we can't help ourselves". It's true, we can't... we're madly in love and love the emotional side and physical side to the relationship... yet he still doesnt want one.

    I just don't get it. He reckons it's unlikely he'll want to get back together even when schools over... but he also said of course he's gonna say that now while he's in the mindset he's in. He said that the fact he loves me makes it more difficult.

    I'm not coping very well, I cry all the time and have been having dreams of him for weeks now. My mums not well at the moment, schools stressful and this is just adding stress to my life. I've been thinking suicidal thoughts which I've never done before.

    All my friends have just said "in time it will get better"... but we've had breaks before, and i've never got over him, not one bit. I'm madly and deeply in love with him, it's as if he's a part of me that I can never get rid of. He's absolutely amazing and I know that I'll love him forever... this is why this is so hard.

    I don't know what I'm asking here, I just needed to get it out. I just wish he'd go with his heart and not his head. He actually asked me that the other day, and of course I said heart.

    I know I sound ridiculously stupid and should get over myself, but I've never loved anyone like this before, he's changed my life and we have something really special.

    I just can't deal with life anymore
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    Are you both off to uni soon? Maybe he wants to go to uni and lead the single life?

    :hugs:

    You'll feel better soon enough, give it time.
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    i dont think you sound stupid. id be devistated. but if thats his decision there isnt much you can do about it. tho its a bit harsh to keep drawing it out like this and stuff. just stay positive and keep smiling
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    Its not ridiculous to be in Love someone, im sure lots of people here can sympathise.

    I can only second randomgirls suggetion as to whether your both/ hes off to uni soon. For many people thats the deciding factor to end a relationship even if they care about the other person.
    There are so many horror stories about relationships not lasting through uni, so maybe he thought he would end it now in the hope that he'd be over you by the time he goes?

    I cant think of any other reason. Id never end it with someone who I loved unless it became apparent that that relationship wasnt going anywhere (ie wanted different things from life) so apart from the uni thing i dont know where hes coming from
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    Im afraid you have to bite the bullet.
    Will be hard and it'll be painful, but you will be stronger when you come out the otherside.


    Also
    If you want some sympathy sex. I will be more the obliging.
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    (Original post by louisedotcom)
    I can only second randomgirls suggetion as to whether your both/ hes off to uni soon. For many people thats the deciding factor to end a relationship even if they care about the other person.
    There are so many horror stories about relationships not lasting through uni, so maybe he thought he would end it now in the hope that he'd be over you by the time he goes?
    That thought did come across my mind, we are both off to uni. We both applied to one of the same ones, I'm definitely going there and he's yet to decide. We'd always said we'd see how things are before we go and decide then whether we'd keep it going or not. If it is the reason, I wish he'd ignore the horror stories and still give it a try, because it wouldn't hurt to try and then if it didn't work out we'd end on mutual terms. But this is painful because he's ended it while we're still madly in love. I just wish uni would start now, I've got to get through exams with all this stress, he was actually stability in my life and made me motivated to do work. I know he's still my friend, and we're VERY close friends, I tell him everything, but it hurts to see him around school and not be able to hold his hand or kiss him... i'm just another person he says he doesnt want to lead me on by being close out of school... but i stupidly enjoy it... it means i get him partly instead of not at all... i know im a fool, but i cant stop myself... neither of us can, we're tempted too easily
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    Perhaps he's feeling that you're too good for him and he may as well finish it to prevent himself from getting hurt.

    Some relationships just aren't meant to be. No matter how perfect.
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    (Original post by lessthanthree)
    He needs to grow up and be honest. If he can't "help himself" then he shouldn't be telling you he wants out, and then getting your hopes up by telling you he still loves you and getting you back into bed. It sounds as if you'd jump through hoops to keep the both of you together, and that's not healthy.

    You need to decide together whether you're in this for the long haul, or you need to break up cleanly and stop talking for a little while, or you'll never get over this.
    Yeah, I'd do anything to keep us together. The thing is, I could never stop talking to him completely because I have few other friends who actually care, I rely on him too much in my life, we both do, we tell each other everything and we've always expected each other to always be there. If i cut him off, I'd be even more of a mess than I am now. I know what you're saying though... if I gave him that choice, he'd go for the stop talking completely... he can't get over his pride of this big decision he's made. Sometimes when I bring up the subject, I can sense he wants to get back with me, but feels he's gone far too long down this "i don't want a relationship" story that he can't go back. I'm just in a stupid state of confusion, and it seems so is he
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    You should take some time to let him figure out what it is that he wants. It's not fair to be half on half off. You'll never be able to focus on other things if there's the nagging thought in your mind that you'll get with him out of school tomorrow (for example). It needs to be either a relationship or JUST FRIENDS.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That thought did come across my mind, we are both off to uni. We both applied to one of the same ones, I'm definitely going there and he's yet to decide. We'd always said we'd see how things are before we go and decide then whether we'd keep it going or not. If it is the reason, I wish he'd ignore the horror stories and still give it a try, because it wouldn't hurt to try and then if it didn't work out we'd end on mutual terms. But this is painful because he's ended it while we're still madly in love. I just wish uni would start now, I've got to get through exams with all this stress, he was actually stability in my life and made me motivated to do work. I know he's still my friend, and we're VERY close friends, I tell him everything, but it hurts to see him around school and not be able to hold his hand or kiss him... i'm just another person he says he doesnt want to lead me on by being close out of school... but i stupidly enjoy it... it means i get him partly instead of not at all... i know im a fool, but i cant stop myself... neither of us can, we're tempted too easily

    I know how you feel, if my boyfriend were to end it right now for example id feel exactly the same. Its a horrible situation to have to be in and I hope no matter what happens you can get through it and come out of it happy.
    If you get around to talking to him about it and it does turn out to be the uni thing, make sure you point out that loads of relationships do survive it. Me and my boyfriend have been doing it for 2 years and it really can be done, so if you both love eachother dont torment yourselves and give it your best shot.

    Good luck everything.
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    Even the very title of this acts as a warning in my mind. I hate to say this, but it sounds like this guy is messing you around. If you really love someone that much, surely you'll find a way to make it work? Please be careful that he's not just using you - the whole "I'd rather be single now" has been used on me before and can mean that they just want to **** around with other people.

    Sit him down and talk to him about it and, if he refuses to cooperate or listen to your side of things,you may need to think again. And on the topic of getting over him - it'll be hard but trust me on this one; no contact for a while really helps.

    Good luck, hope things work out okay.
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    If I'm being honest, it doesn't sound a lot like he loves you. That's not meant to be hurtful but... what he's doing is confusing things by trying not to upset you. You can't honestly love somebody and let them go because they don't want to be in a relationship, that's a complete contradiction. So, you have to lay it down... either he stops sleeping with you, stops telling you he loves you and stops hurting you further for the sake of his own needs or he sucks it up and grows a pair.

    Unfortunately, if he's not being the person you thought in the end.. at least you can escape with your dignity by taking control.
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    Nah he's a decent guy... I know he loves me... we've been together for years, I know him well enough to know when he's lying.

    It's more likely to be the uni reason.
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    There's always a one way ticket to the other side.
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    I suggest you do a forum search in this forum for a recent thread called "one step forwards, two steps back" - because that was made by me (yes I have given away my anon thread, zomg) and it described EXACTLY this situation.

    Now I don't want to patronise you at all, but I am very slightly older, I've had a gap year and also a first year at uni since my a-levels. In the grand scheme of life that isn't much however with first relationships and such it can make a massive difference.

    This extra couple of years I think has given me one major difference to you about this, and I can't stress enough just how similar our situations are! You will not love him forever, and he is not the only one for you. Believe me, I was with my first ever girlfriend for two years and after that ended, I was saying EXACTLY the same things as you. If anyone had said what I am saying now I would have thought "well then it was different for you, but for me we really are perfect for eachother." But trust me on this one, no matter how good it is, it is attainable with other people. It's hard to conceive but try to believe me on this one because maybe I'm not in your mind, but I have had the exact thought processes you're typing up here recently.

    So anyway, what is my point you may ask? My point is that difference in my way of thinking now from how it was before has let me do the right thing here with my second girlfriend. She says she doesn't want a relationship. Now I love her to death, I cry everyday whenever I think about her and my heart feels empty and there's this dreadful sense of longing.

    HOWEVER, I have felt it all before, and moved on. I saw her on Saturday and had sex with her, held her - it was just like old times. As my thread says she has done the whole "I don't know what I want, I still love you, but I want alone time, don't wait for me in case we dont end up together, but maybe we will still end up together" line with me. For a little while I then told myself we WOULD work out, and I would wait for her even for that slim chance it would work.

    However about two days ago I had an apifiny (sp) - hence my latest reply on my thread. I just realised that I was merely prolonging the agony and it was not worth it. Yes I love her, and yes you love your ex. However they have made their decision. They have made it admirably and they are doing what is best for them even if it means making such a difficult decision. I can't imagine how hard it must be to break up with someone you love. I applaud both your ex and mine for it.

    In return for this we need to do the same. Say yes we had good times, and yes we still love them. But to wait around for something which may never last is unfair on us. Just move on, try to stay friends but get some space for at least a couple of weeks to reduce your feelings for eachother because they will blind you from what is the best thing for you both.

    Above all else - don't give up. You're young, I'm young. We both have a lot to learn and new people and experiences along the way. I do wish things had worked out better and my ex wanted to stay with me. But in a way I also feel slightly happy this way. Do you expect to growold with whomever you meet when you're at sixth form, REALLY? It's so unlikely.

    Hope this helped and once again I am really sorry if this has a patronising tone. I just relate to your experience so strongly I feltthe need to have a big old ramble about it!
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    My thinking is he likes you, but after many years with you, thinking you are fantastic, he's afraid that if he doesn't end things now, he'll end up with you forever. WHile I know that doesn't sound all that bad, to him, at this young of an age, I'm sure it is a negative. He'll just wish he met someone like you later in life, or realize he was really young and naive.

    He's trying to tell you that he wants to break things off because he wants to see other women and not feel like he is cheating on you.
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    (Original post by Tera)
    If I'm being honest, it doesn't sound a lot like he loves you. That's not meant to be hurtful but... what he's doing is confusing things by trying not to upset you. You can't honestly love somebody and let them go because they don't want to be in a relationship, that's a complete contradiction. So, you have to lay it down... either he stops sleeping with you, stops telling you he loves you and stops hurting you further for the sake of his own needs or he sucks it up and grows a pair.

    Unfortunately, if he's not being the person you thought in the end.. at least you can escape with your dignity by taking control.
    No. Believe me, it sounds EXACTLY like he loves her. You don't stay with somebody for years and then act like this if you don't love them.

    It's easy to sit there and say whoever does the breaking up should then automatically be feeling nothing for their ex because quite frankly they're responsible for the breaking up. But that just isn't true. Of course he still loves her and is always thinking whether he made the right decision.

    So lay off the man a bit, he's understandably confused. There is no reason for this to be any easier on him than it is for the thread starter, just because he initiated the break-up.

    As unfair as this sounds on the thread starter, or me, it's equally our responsibility not to keep it dragging out as it is our exes. If we really loved them we would respect their decision and try our best to do whatever it takes to keep them happy.
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    (Original post by tis_me_lord)
    No. Believe me, it sounds EXACTLY like he loves her. You don't stay with somebody for years and then act like this if you don't love them.

    It's easy to sit there and say whoever does the breaking up should then automatically be feeling nothing for their ex because quite frankly they're responsible for the breaking up. But that just isn't true. Of course he still loves her and is always thinking whether he made the right decision.

    So lay off the man a bit, he's understandably confused. There is no reason for this to be any easier on him than it is for the thread starter, just because he initiated the break-up.

    As unfair as this sounds on the thread starter, or me, it's equally our responsibility not to keep it dragging out as it is our exes. If we really loved them we would respect their decision and try our best to do whatever it takes to keep them happy.
    Nope, it sounds like he's just comfortable and attached.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So me and my boyfriend have been together for 2-3 years, and the past 6 months have been really serious and we've been really close.

    Last month he said to me he doesn't think he wants a relationship, one because of work load at A levels (which is understandable, but I don't see how I'm getting in the way as I give him room to balance it all, as I have A levels too), and two he doesnt know... he apparently just doesnt want a relationship at the moment. He said if he knew the reason why he'd tell me. He said it's not anything to do with how he feels for me, he says he loves me more than ever: "i love you to pieces" etc etc. The thing is every time we're alone together we just kiss and we slept together. He said the other day "we can't help ourselves". It's true, we can't... we're madly in love and love the emotional side and physical side to the relationship... yet he still doesnt want one.

    I just don't get it. He reckons it's unlikely he'll want to get back together even when schools over... but he also said of course he's gonna say that now while he's in the mindset he's in. He said that the fact he loves me makes it more difficult.

    I'm not coping very well, I cry all the time and have been having dreams of him for weeks now. My mums not well at the moment, schools stressful and this is just adding stress to my life. I've been thinking suicidal thoughts which I've never done before.

    All my friends have just said "in time it will get better"... but we've had breaks before, and i've never got over him, not one bit. I'm madly and deeply in love with him, it's as if he's a part of me that I can never get rid of. He's absolutely amazing and I know that I'll love him forever... this is why this is so hard.

    I don't know what I'm asking here, I just needed to get it out. I just wish he'd go with his heart and not his head. He actually asked me that the other day, and of course I said heart.

    I know I sound ridiculously stupid and should get over myself, but I've never loved anyone like this before, he's changed my life and we have something really special.

    I just can't deal with life anymore
    silly girl, he's obviously just using you for sex and boredom relief to fill up time. If he really loved you then he wouldn't dump you for such a rubbish reason, if he can live without you that easily (when there's no real obstacle at all, think of what real long term relationships go through), you obviously aren't very important to him. He probably likes you but thinks there's plenty more girls out there and you are nothing special.
    Sorry if this sounds harsh.
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    (Original post by tis_me_lord)
    I suggest you do a forum search in this forum for a recent thread called "one step forwards, two steps back" - because that was made by me (yes I have given away my anon thread, zomg) and it described EXACTLY this situation.

    Now I don't want to patronise you at all, but I am very slightly older, I've had a gap year and also a first year at uni since my a-levels. In the grand scheme of life that isn't much however with first relationships and such it can make a massive difference.

    This extra couple of years I think has given me one major difference to you about this, and I can't stress enough just how similar our situations are! You will not love him forever, and he is not the only one for you. Believe me, I was with my first ever girlfriend for two years and after that ended, I was saying EXACTLY the same things as you. If anyone had said what I am saying now I would have thought "well then it was different for you, but for me we really are perfect for eachother." But trust me on this one, no matter how good it is, it is attainable with other people. It's hard to conceive but try to believe me on this one because maybe I'm not in your mind, but I have had the exact thought processes you're typing up here recently.

    So anyway, what is my point you may ask? My point is that difference in my way of thinking now from how it was before has let me do the right thing here with my second girlfriend. She says she doesn't want a relationship. Now I love her to death, I cry everyday whenever I think about her and my heart feels empty and there's this dreadful sense of longing.

    HOWEVER, I have felt it all before, and moved on. I saw her on Saturday and had sex with her, held her - it was just like old times. As my thread says she has done the whole "I don't know what I want, I still love you, but I want alone time, don't wait for me in case we dont end up together, but maybe we will still end up together" line with me. For a little while I then told myself we WOULD work out, and I would wait for her even for that slim chance it would work.

    However about two days ago I had an apifiny (sp) - hence my latest reply on my thread. I just realised that I was merely prolonging the agony and it was not worth it. Yes I love her, and yes you love your ex. However they have made their decision. They have made it admirably and they are doing what is best for them even if it means making such a difficult decision. I can't imagine how hard it must be to break up with someone you love. I applaud both your ex and mine for it.

    In return for this we need to do the same. Say yes we had good times, and yes we still love them. But to wait around for something which may never last is unfair on us. Just move on, try to stay friends but get some space for at least a couple of weeks to reduce your feelings for eachother because they will blind you from what is the best thing for you both.

    Above all else - don't give up. You're young, I'm young. We both have a lot to learn and new people and experiences along the way. I do wish things had worked out better and my ex wanted to stay with me. But in a way I also feel slightly happy this way. Do you expect to growold with whomever you meet when you're at sixth form, REALLY? It's so unlikely.

    Hope this helped and once again I am really sorry if this has a patronising tone. I just relate to your experience so strongly I feltthe need to have a big old ramble about it!
    I hate to piss on your parade but... why applaud somebody for leaving you and then sleeping with you? There's no strength in this. At least they should have the courage of their convictions and love you enough not to mess with your feelings like that. You're being biased because you love her, that's all.

    Who wants to believe that they're being left behind because they're no longer loved? It's a hard fact to face.
 
 
 
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