Caught my mother... with a "distant relative"

Just as a background info: My family is strange.
My father is working abroad and my mother knows he has fun with younger women (even of my own age, mostly his students), but - from what she has told me and her siblings - she silently tolerates it for "the sake of the family and the kids" (me and my 15 years younger brother).
I was brought up in a manner not to interfere or even express my opinion to my parents, so most of my life I have been passive when it came to "family issues". My only duty was to eat, sleep, study and mind my own business.
I'm an adult now and still living under my parents roof mainly because my university is just a stroll away from home. My moving out will occur when my whole family will relocate to yet another country, while I hope to continue my education or career elsewhere.
For almost 10 months now I have been affected by unknown chronic pain issues and that has contributed even more to my overall passivity.

Since about 4-5 months a young man, perhaps 3 or 4 years older than me, (introduced to me by my mother as a "distant relative") started coming to our place to help out doing chores and other work that I couldn't do due to my health issues.
He also started helping my younger brother with his school work and they have become great friends in the meantime. They are literally inseparable as he plays with him all the time, and he also allows my brother to use his laptop and play all video-games...

The only fishy thing was that my mother didn't want me to tell anyone (her siblings, her friends, etc. anyone else who came to our place) about the "distant relative", since they were angry with him about some ancient family tensions.
In any case, I am not supposed to ask questions, just do what I'm told to do and mind my own business... to the extent that sometimes my mother asks me to smuggle him inside the house or hide him when we have visitors.

I was starting to suspect something in the past few days, since this guy was actually using the house as if it was his own house and my mother also didn't seem to worry to walk in night clothes when he was around...

And a few minutes ago, before logging on, I was just casually walking into the kitchen and the door (which is usually closed) was open; with the corner of my eye I saw my mother and the "distant relative" together on the couch.
I walked on as if I hadn't seen anything.
My brother was just in the nearby room playing with this guys' laptop.

I wanted to take that laptop, smash it on that guys' head and kick him out of the house, forgetting all my health problems.

But I resisted the temptation and came back to my room to ask for your advice.

What would you do in this situation? Should I just live on and mind my own business as I was doing all this time?

Or should I act?

What I find a bit unjust is the fact that my mother is lying to my kid-brother, telling him that this guy is a relative, a distant "cousin" (i.e. my brother's and my cousin!), or whatsoever.

Or should I let my mother do as she wishes, since I'm anyway going to be out of the house very soon?

Thanks in advance for your advice.

Reply 1

PinkMobilePhone

22

He might be a distant relative. It might not be a lie. You know it's legal to sleep with (and marry) your cousin - even your first cousin.

edit: just noticed you're in Italy. Well ok I don't know if it's legal in Italy but probably.

Reply 2

EvenStevens

17

Confront them about it. I would.

Reply 3

Sagittarius_GBR

2

I applaud you on your self control.

I think you should let things be, if you're moving out soon - your mother will have to face the storm she's whipped up if anyone she doesn't want to find out does find out.

Of course, it's not too fair to just leave and leave the problems for someone else to find/deal with. But I can't see what else you can do.

Reply 4

PinkMobilePhone

22

I have to say I don't see what the issue is. You dad sleeps with other women, so why is what your mother doing any worse?

Reply 5

SmilerNuts

15

Depends what you mean by "together on the couch".

Reply 6

TheEntertainer

OP

1

Both my dad and my mother are wrong; the difference is that my dad never used me or my brother to "cover up" his affairs. My mother is involving us to hide what she's doing.

A few days ago she actually told me:"If dad calls and asks you who fixed the decorations, say you and your classmates did, OK?" And similar things.

And she's brainwashing my brother even more.

SmilerNuts: he was on his back and my mother was crouching on top of him and moving up and down.

Reply 7

PinkMobilePhone

22

TheEntertainer

Both my dad and my mother are wrong; the difference is that my dad never used me or my brother to "cover up" his affairs. My mother is involving us to hide what she's doing.

A few days ago she actually told me:"If dad calls and asks you who fixed the decorations, say you and your classmates did, OK?" And similar things.

ok well in that case just straight tell her you won't lie for her.

Reply 8

Brighten

13

It doesn't sound as if there's much you could do, and a confrontation might not be the best course of action. I would probably leave it and try to avoid them from now on.

Reply 9

glassheart

10

The way your family sounds, I would leave it and just keep your head down. if she asks you to lie, tell her you won't, and carry on with life.

Reply 10

PinkMobilePhone

22

sophiecusition

Not so legal if you're married.. I don't think the relative bit is the issue here, more the fact that she's married..

well yeh I know, but the OP was so sure that she was lying about him being a distant relative. I was just pointing out that he might indeed be a distant relative.

and as I said, the dad is married too....

Reply 11

fleur_de_haine

16

On the couch, in the middle of the day, with the kids in the house? It's not as though she's being discreet. Personally, I'd have a word with her, but your familly dynamic is very different to my own. Having an affair is one thing, but conducting it literally in front of your children is just not on.

raz

Reply 12

Chewwy

17

no offense, but your family is incredibly, incredibly ****ed up.

Reply 13

Invocation

12

Confront her about it in private. It's despicable that she's put you and your brother in that position.

Reply 14

abc101

17

Bloody hell. Confront her about it, tell her exactly what you think of her disgusting behaviour and make it clear you won't lie for her and won't have her treating you and your brother in this way. That's sick. Musta been pretty horrible for you to see that :frown:

Reply 15

dusk

I've rather more sympathy for the mother - she's got a husband who is routinely unfaithful while working abroad. He has that private opportunity for affairs like that. She doesn't - she's left at home, and she can hardly escape her responsibilities to her children etc. I would imagine she's angry, upset and lonely - taking a 'lover' (if that's what he is) seems very understandable. She can't help it being in front of the children cos it's not like she can go anywhere else.

Reply 16

CHAMON

11

Ask her, but don't argue. Ask for the truth. Your main worry should be your health and when you'll move out. It'll all be fine dude. :smile:

Reply 17

fleur_de_haine

16

dusk

I've rather more sympathy for the mother - she's got a husband who is routinely unfaithful while working abroad. He has that private opportunity for affairs like that. She doesn't - she's left at home, and she can hardly escape her responsibilities to her children etc. I would imagine she's angry, upset and lonely - taking a 'lover' (if that's what he is) seems very understandable. She can't help it being in front of the children cos it's not like she can go anywhere else.

Her bedroom perhaps?

Raz

Reply 18

Sanity Panda

Yeah... I'm going to have to go with sticking up for your mother.

She's clearly not in love anymore, you should be grateful that she's willing to stick within a relationship she's clearly not happy with rather than hate her because she's not in love with your father anymore.

For all you know, her reasons for telling you that he is a distant cousin may be one of protection rather than secrecy.

You can ask her why she decided to keep it a secert, just remember to refrain from judgement as she could easily just walk out of the door. She doesn't have any obligations to stay in marriage. I wouldn't be too surprised that as soon your brother leaves, divorce is around the corner.

Reply 19

Sanity Panda

TheEntertainer

Both my dad and my mother are wrong; the difference is that my dad never used me or my brother to "cover up" his affairs. My mother is involving us to hide what she's doing.

A few days ago she actually told me:"If dad calls and asks you who fixed the decorations, say you and your classmates did, OK?" And similar things.

And she's brainwashing my brother even more.

SmilerNuts: he was on his back and my mother was crouching on top of him and moving up and down.

Does this mean you're going around telling everybody in your family including friends about the affairs that your father is having?

What are the consequences if your father found out that your mother was sleeping around?

Caught my mother... with a "distant relative"

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