Caught my mother... with a "distant relative"

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I am not going to condemn your mother for the possible affair (what were they doing on the sofa? It might not have been going on for ages, we don't know the details) - it's her choice how she deals with her cheating husband. While I can see her point of view, it's very sad that she hasn't given priority to her children - the way she's incorporated you and your little brother into this messed up situation is totally unfair. I suggest you stop with the unhealthy repression of feelings, it'll only make you resent your mum more in the long run. Tell her what you saw, ask what's going on and make your feelings known, is my advice. Yes, it'll probably get heated, but it's not your responsibility to have these constant moral dilemmas all because of your mother's secret. Be a bit more selfish, like she clearly is. Focus on moving out (although obviously keep looking out for your little brother, I'm not sure what you can do about him). I wouldn't even be surprised if these chronic pain issues got a bit better once you move out either, sounds like you're under a hell of a lot of pressure right now.

Reply 21

TheEntertainer

OK, thanks for all your opinions and advice.

Now I'd like to ask you: if I had to confront her, what exactly would I have to tell her?

Should I literally say something like "I won't lie for you. If you want to hide him it's your own business, I won't prevent anyone from finding out the truth."?

Reply 22

Sanity Panda

Erm... I think you should first find out why she wants you to hide that information.

Why start the conversation with something that's bound to cause someone to go into defensive mode?

Reply 23

t_ucd

You said in your original post that you're supposed to mind your own business and not get involved - well, that obviously includes covering for her. She's putting you in an incredibly unfair position; I would just tell her how uncomfortable it makes you and, if necessary yes, flat out tell her that you refuse to lie for her.

Reply 24

Stealth-Mode

TheEntertainer

Just as a background info: My family is strange.
My father is working abroad and my mother knows he has fun with younger women (even of my own age, mostly his students), but - from what she has told me and her siblings - she silently tolerates it for "the sake of the family and the kids" (me and my 15 years younger brother).
I was brought up in a manner not to interfere or even express my opinion to my parents, so most of my life I have been passive when it came to "family issues". My only duty was to eat, sleep, study and mind my own business.
I'm an adult now and still living under my parents roof mainly because my university is just a stroll away from home. My moving out will occur when my whole family will relocate to yet another country, while I hope to continue my education or career elsewhere.
For almost 10 months now I have been affected by unknown chronic pain issues and that has contributed even more to my overall passivity.

Since about 4-5 months a young man, perhaps 3 or 4 years older than me, (introduced to me by my mother as a "distant relative") started coming to our place to help out doing chores and other work that I couldn't do due to my health issues.
He also started helping my younger brother with his school work and they have become great friends in the meantime. They are literally inseparable as he plays with him all the time, and he also allows my brother to use his laptop and play all video-games...

The only fishy thing was that my mother didn't want me to tell anyone (her siblings, her friends, etc. anyone else who came to our place) about the "distant relative", since they were angry with him about some ancient family tensions.
In any case, I am not supposed to ask questions, just do what I'm told to do and mind my own business... to the extent that sometimes my mother asks me to smuggle him inside the house or hide him when we have visitors.

I was starting to suspect something in the past few days, since this guy was actually using the house as if it was his own house and my mother also didn't seem to worry to walk in night clothes when he was around...

And a few minutes ago, before logging on, I was just casually walking into the kitchen and the door (which is usually closed) was open; with the corner of my eye I saw my mother and the "distant relative" together on the couch.
I walked on as if I hadn't seen anything.
My brother was just in the nearby room playing with this guys' laptop.

I wanted to take that laptop, smash it on that guys' head and kick him out of the house, forgetting all my health problems.

But I resisted the temptation and came back to my room to ask for your advice.

What would you do in this situation? Should I just live on and mind my own business as I was doing all this time?

Or should I act?

What I find a bit unjust is the fact that my mother is lying to my kid-brother, telling him that this guy is a relative, a distant "cousin" (i.e. my brother's and my cousin!), or whatsoever.

Or should I let my mother do as she wishes, since I'm anyway going to be out of the house very soon?

Thanks in advance for your advice.

I would confront your mother alone. I would let her know how uncomfortable it makes you feel and what an awkward position you are put in when hiding his presence from others. You shouldn't have to lie, nor your younger brother.

If she is happy with having an affair, and justifies it because your father does, then fine. They are grown adults. But they should not bring this behavior to the family home. It is unfair to you and your brother, no matter how much this guy tries to buy you off with favors/being nice.

I presume your father doesn't bring these other girls to your home, why should your mother? It isn't healthy.

Reply 25

TheEntertainer

Exactly...

Oh man, I'm a bit more confused now... a confrontation occured by mere chance.

Today while I was casually passing in the hall (which is now usually locked by key in order to hide "him"), I saw "he" was cleaning some toys (LEGO Technik, Mindstorms, stuff like that...) and other gadgets that I was 100% sure were things I used as a kid.

Out of mere curiousity I asked my mother, "Those are my stuff right?"
My mother:"No. Someone else gave it to us since they wanted to throw them away, so we're washing them for your little brother..."
I:"Ehm... but I'm pretty sure those were mine, I remember every feature...?!"
My mother (with a stricter tone):"No, just go away! Don't start discussing, I'm already in a bad mood. These aren't your toys..."
I:"But that..."
[and I pointed out several things that proved that they were mine]
My mother:"Get out! Don't raise your voice to your mother. Remember who you are and remember who I am! Learn how to talk..."
Then I bursted...
I:"I know you're lying but you can't brainwash me. And you're not only good at lying to me, but to the whole world."
[while I was going out of the hall towards the corridor leading to my room]
My mother:"Get out, who are you to talk to me like that?"
I:"I don't know, but I know you're lying."
[while heading towards my room, now we were basically shouting at each other but out of sight]
My mother:"Wait and see what will happen! You know you're a useless person! You're already a great burden to me! You should leave this house immediately etc."
I (very calm voice):"Stop trying to brainwash me."
My mother (angrier):"If you don't stop it, I'll take a knife and take the life that I gave you!"
I (very calm and cold voice):"Come and try if you wish..."
She came towards me trying to hit me with an umbrella.
My mother:"Or I'll call the police and tell them to take you away. You are xx years old, you shouldn't even be in here! Wait and see. I know you're a psycho case. Don't try to show me how good you are with words. You belong to the nut-house!
You are lying to everyone with your chronic pain problems! No doctor could find out what you have! You're just a hypochondriac!
And how dare you say I lie to the world? Why did you start all of this just because of some toys?"

And there I went silent because I was fed up, and in any case, if she really called the police I think she would be able to convince them to take me away...

Now I really don't know what to do. I'm a bit confused and trying my best to stay cool.
Especially because I'm having plenty of projects and university exams in the coming weeks and I prefer staying emotionally neutral.

My mother was brought up by nuns (her parents died early). And every now and then, during holidays, she takes me to them and they always say what a good person she is, that she always followed the right path and is a religious person. My mother is still very much in touch with them and perhaps still believes to be very religious.
My mother's sister knows some of the things my father did since they often talk.

I'm thinking whether I should write an e-mail to both the head-nun and my aunt and tell them EVERYTHING (including about the man; since the head-nun always used to tell me how pious my mother is and how I should follow her), asking them what I should do and perhaps to talk a bit with my mother.

What do you think?

Reply 26

Sanity Panda

Your mother is messed up. I don't think you can talk sense to her.

But why are you considering spiteful actions?

Well you've pretty much blown any chance of a mature discussion with your mother, if such a thing existed in the first place.

Reply 27

34253

Perhaps you should just move out and leave this whole mess behind. I don't know how many houses there are that need a permenant handyman around, she's quite clearly lying.

Reply 28

TheEntertainer

Sanity Panda

By "spiteful actions" you mean contacting her sister and head-nun?
I thought that - especially if she's messed up - they might at least have some influence over her and tell her to calm down or whatever, get fixed...

Reply 29

Sanity Panda

Yes. What's your intention exactly honestly? To help or to expose your mother?

Do you think that letting them know is going to have a positive affect on your mother? It's a bad idea. You can't get other people to fix others, people themselves must fix their own behaviour.

Reply 30

TheEntertainer

But don't you think exposition (and the consequent help she will get from those to whom I exposed it, who were also important figures throughout her life) will help her wake up from the imaginary world she has created?

I'm not sure everyone can fix their own behavior, especially her.

What would you suggest otherwise?

Reply 31

TomandJerry09

I think you should choose your actions depending on what type of relationship you want to have with you mother in a few years time. If you want to get away from home, and lead your own life, without taking concerns of hers, then you will probably have a formal, not very close, personal etc. relationship with her. But if you want to be able to tell her everything, and trust her advice and opinions, you need to work with her now to build up to that point. That would probably start with going to her and talking to her about your 'distant relative'...

Although i imagine that there are many different factors, your age, condition etc. (not to mention her up bring, tradition etc) and how they make your mother feel (to the extent of threatening your life) that you'll want to consider throughly before speaking to her...

Reply 32

Sanity Panda

Tom has the right idea in mind.

No, I don't think it'll help her wake up. In fact I'd be more worried about your health at that point. When you take it to nuns who may help her, it's no longer an issue of whether she gets help, it'll become an action of humuilating and ruining her image and by the sounds of it, your mother is very conscious about maintaining that image even if it means living delusionally.

Perhaps getting external help is useful, but contacting those figures aren't going to help? How could it help? What exactly will they do?

Reply 33

Stealth-Mode

TheEntertainer

Avoid confrontations with her while you prepare for your exams. You don't want to mess up your life.

Then, ask her to talk with you about the situation. She obviously feels very angry that you are no longer willing to pretend that she isn't really behaving the way she wants the world to see. If she still wont then you have three option. Tell on her to your father/mother's friends; Ignore the situation and let it carry on; Leave home.

They will each have consequences, and if i were you, i'd pick the option which would have the least detrimental effect.

Your mother isn't being responsible or mature (and i wonder if she is pregnant because of the toy situation). You need to be or else the situation will only escalate.

Good Luck man,

Keep us posted

edit: I think that you should talk to your mother's lover. He is being totally disrespectful to your father, and you and your brother by allowing his affair to take place under your roof. Tell him to back off or else you will tell your father about him. And let him know that if he tells your mother about the ultimatum, then you will definitely tell your father, and let the secret out. He must persuade your mother that being discrete from the family, or even stopping the affair is totally his idea.

Reply 34

TheEntertainer

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit selfish now.

I just looked at the LEGOs and found a piece of paper that I had written 10+ years ago and stuck in a part of the toy. That's 100% evidence it's mine.
She:"You put the paper there just now. If you say once more that those are your LEGOs, I'm calling the police."

I'm generally fed up with people not believing me. As I told elsewhere, more than 10 doctors didn't believe that I had physical issues and then it came out.

Other times I say the truth and nobody believes me. I'm really fed up with that.

The world must know the truth!

EDIT

Stealth-Mode

edit: I think that you should talk to your mother's lover. He is being totally disrespectful to your father, and you and your brother by allowing his affair to take place under your roof. Tell him to back off or else you will tell your father about him. And let him know that if he tells your mother about the ultimatum, then you will definitely tell your father, and let the secret out. He must persuade your mother that being discrete from the family, or even stopping the affair is totally his idea.

That also sounds like a good idea.

Sanity Panda

When you take it to nuns who may help her, it's no longer an issue of whether she gets help, it'll become an action of humuilating and ruining her image and by the sounds of it, your mother is very conscious about maintaining that image even if it means living delusionally.

Perhaps she must start getting over with this kind of immaturity of hers...
She often uses me as part of her personal image as well.
Whenever we go out on dinners etc. she forces me to say only certain things to everyone and not be my true self.
I'm really fed up with this now.

Even if it humiliates her, I hope she will learn a lesson and start becoming mature.

Reply 35

Sanity Panda

TheEntertainer

Sorry about not being serious but that's just funny. What is she going to charge you on exactly?

Reply 36

TheEntertainer

I don't know, but from how I know her she's quite persuasive with anyone, even with the forces of authority. She'll probably tell that I'm acting strange, or that perhaps I'm contemplating some crime. Or tell that I'm psycho and ask that I'm taken to the nut-house.

She's capable of doing every sort of thing with people. She's a good manipulator.

Reply 37

Sanity Panda

She sure does seem like a good manipulator if she's managed to convience you that effectively that she has the power over authority like that. Don't you feel that the truth will eventually destroy the web of lies that she created however?

You get taken to the nut-house, they found out your not crazy, what then? It'll only reflect back on her.

Reply 38

TheEntertainer

Unfortunately, she will have enough of evidence to prove that I am crazy. And she can distort reality to prove her point. I mean, I have a history of weird things in my own life which she could use.

I just spoke a bit to my brother, and asked him if we should tell our father about the "distant relative". He backed off, ran away saying, "No, no, otherwise mum will cut me into pieces!"

-_-'''

I mean, how right do you think this is?

I must tell at least someone. If not the nuns, at least our aunt. For someone external has to know what's going on in case anything serious happens.

Reply 39

Chewwy

oh come on, this is pathetic.

if this isn't a joke: why don't you actually confront her about her affair, rather than.. lego. why is she even lying about the lego anyway??????? let her call the police, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. i'm pretty sure they won't take you away, surely if you tell them that she threatened to stab/kill you they'll be more likely to, oh, i dunno, arrest her??