pressured into marrying someone 11 years older? Watch

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#1
(Before I start, this s going to be a very long post
A little background about myself: I'm an 18 year old muslim girl, from a very strict family and I've had someone propose to me who is 11 years older (29). Family friends h knew the guy were the ones who talked about him to parents, who then asked if he could get married to me. I've seen and talked to the guy for a bit, he seems averagely religious, open minded and generally seems like a nice guy. He's got everything that any girl would look for when searching for a husband ((maybe apart from appearance but that's not as important)). The only problem is that he is wayy too old, and no matter how much my parents told me to think about it, I could not get over that, but my parents ((especially my mum)) is very persistent about me marrying this guy, to the extent that emotionally it's very exhausting. At the beginning I wasn't so sure, but then I made my mind up and told her that I'll just wait for someone else who is around my age. But no matter how much I show her that I'm not going to change my mind, she becomes more and more persistent about me marrying him. She then told me to ask my tutor for advice about this and see what she says. And tbh, I didn't want to ask my tutor mainly because I knew that she would know that I'm getting pressured, but my mum still told me to ask her. When I talked to her, she asked me "but do you actually want to?" and that's when she found that I'm against this. Although at that time it wasn't so bad ((this was last week))
A few days ago, my mum started asking me questions like "but if we were to force you, what would you do? Just get on with it right", and that's when everything started to get f*cked tbh, my health started to get so bad, I get dizzy quite often, really pale skin, and regular asthma attacks ((once it got to 5 asthma attacks in one night)) even tho I'm using my preventer regularly

She used to say that if I don't get married in the UK, I'm going to have to go with them back home in about a yea or so, but today she came and told me that they're going back home in September, so they can stay there. She did mention that if I was to go back home with them, I will get forced to marry someone at some point, whether I like the guy or not. So I honestly don't know what to do, I really don't want to get the police involved because at the end of the day, they're my parents who genuinely think they're doing it for my sake; but at the same time I can't even imagine myself getting married to someone this old, so I need some advice

Thank you for reading all this
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cherrybomb115
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do u have any other family friends ur age
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the bear
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it is wrong for you to be forced to marry against your wishes. your parents are being very insensitive towards you.
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throwawaydsfs
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(Original post by Anonymous)
(Before I start, this s going to be a very long post
A little background about myself: I'm an 18 year old muslim girl, from a very strict family and I've had someone propose to me who is 11 years older (29). Family friends h knew the guy were the ones who talked about him to parents, who then asked if he could get married to me. I've seen and talked to the guy for a bit, he seems averagely religious, open minded and generally seems like a nice guy. He's got everything that any girl would look for when searching for a husband ((maybe apart from appearance but that's not as important)). The only problem is that he is wayy too old, and no matter how much my parents told me to think about it, I could not get over that, but my parents ((especially my mum)) is very persistent about me marrying this guy, to the extent that emotionally it's very exhausting. At the beginning I wasn't so sure, but then I made my mind up and told her that I'll just wait for someone else who is around my age. But no matter how much I show her that I'm not going to change my mind, she becomes more and more persistent about me marrying him. She then told me to ask my tutor for advice about this and see what she says. And tbh, I didn't want to ask my tutor mainly because I knew that she would know that I'm getting pressured, but my mum still told me to ask her. When I talked to her, she asked me "but do you actually want to?" and that's when she found that I'm against this. Although at that time it wasn't so bad ((this was last week))
A few days ago, my mum started asking me questions like "but if we were to force you, what would you do? Just get on with it right", and that's when everything started to get f*cked tbh, my health started to get so bad, I get dizzy quite often, really pale skin, and regular asthma attacks ((once it got to 5 asthma attacks in one night)) even tho I'm using my preventer regularly

She used to say that if I don't get married in the UK, I'm going to have to go with them back home in about a yea or so, but today she came and told me that they're going back home in September, so they can stay there. She did mention that if I was to go back home with them, I will get forced to marry someone at some point, whether I like the guy or not. So I honestly don't know what to do, I really don't want to get the police involved because at the end of the day, they're my parents who genuinely think they're doing it for my sake; but at the same time I can't even imagine myself getting married to someone this old, so I need some advice

Thank you for reading all this
I'm not sure on your exact situation but I'm in an "arranged marriage" for money/prestige. The guy is the same age but not really a very nice person. Sure I'd like to marry for love but if it's between that and my children's education, career, status etc I'm picking that.

Think VERY carefully before turning it down. In my family everyone whose marriage was arranged is oxbridge educated, multi-millionaires, great job, high status etc whereas the people who got pregnant accidentally aren't anywhere near as successful.

I'd seriously ask them to look for a younger guy, unless there's anything exceptional like his family is far, far richer than yours the tradeoff of how uncomfortable it will be just isn't worth it.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cherrybomb115)
do u have any other family friends ur age
there are lots of them, but most of them aren't looking for marriage now, or they're looking themselves
(Original post by the bear)
it is wrong for you to be forced to marry against your wishes. your parents are being very insensitive towards you.
I know, ive told them that even islamically you cant force me, but my mum goes "if youre making the wrong decision then yes we can force you"
apparently they dont want to force me now because i dont know how to proper cook and clean, but she goes as soon as youre ready then we will force you
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cherrybomb115
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cant u just tell her to wait until u've finished ur studies and got a stable job
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cherrybomb115)
cant u just tell her to wait until u've finished ur studies and got a stable job
i did, and she goes at least get engaged to him, and get married when youre ready; but i dont even want to get married to him
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cherrybomb115
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i did, and she goes at least get engaged to him, and get married when youre ready; but i dont even want to get married to him
cant u just ask her to check out other guys - this is ur first proposal u might get others
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Wolfram Alpha
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Wtf run away
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Angelic Charm
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I would like to point out that forced marriage is ILLEGAL.
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PomHill
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This is awful! Your parents should never pressure you into marrying someone you don't want to, regardless of financial, social or religious benefits

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-ad...rced-marriage/ read this, learn your rights and seek help.
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ToothFairy0509
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i did, and she goes at least get engaged to him, and get married when youre ready; but i dont even want to get married to him
What does your father think, as your mother seems to be the main driver?
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the bear
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ask your Mum to find someone younger for you ?
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nutz99
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Why would your parents want you to marry someone that much older than you. Do they get anything financially out of the marriage. If so then tell them you're not a piece of meat!
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Afforestation
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Arranged marriage is illegal.
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temzra
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(Original post by Angelic Charm)
I would like to point out that forced marriage is ILLEGAL.
I’m assuming from what I’ve read tho that her mum would wait until they’ve gone back to their country to force her to marry someone and it may not be illegal there
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temzra
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(Original post by Anonymous)
(Before I start, this s going to be a very long post
A little background about myself: I'm an 18 year old muslim girl, from a very strict family and I've had someone propose to me who is 11 years older (29). Family friends h knew the guy were the ones who talked about him to parents, who then asked if he could get married to me. I've seen and talked to the guy for a bit, he seems averagely religious, open minded and generally seems like a nice guy. He's got everything that any girl would look for when searching for a husband ((maybe apart from appearance but that's not as important)). The only problem is that he is wayy too old, and no matter how much my parents told me to think about it, I could not get over that, but my parents ((especially my mum)) is very persistent about me marrying this guy, to the extent that emotionally it's very exhausting. At the beginning I wasn't so sure, but then I made my mind up and told her that I'll just wait for someone else who is around my age. But no matter how much I show her that I'm not going to change my mind, she becomes more and more persistent about me marrying him. She then told me to ask my tutor for advice about this and see what she says. And tbh, I didn't want to ask my tutor mainly because I knew that she would know that I'm getting pressured, but my mum still told me to ask her. When I talked to her, she asked me "but do you actually want to?" and that's when she found that I'm against this. Although at that time it wasn't so bad ((this was last week))
A few days ago, my mum started asking me questions like "but if we were to force you, what would you do? Just get on with it right", and that's when everything started to get f*cked tbh, my health started to get so bad, I get dizzy quite often, really pale skin, and regular asthma attacks ((once it got to 5 asthma attacks in one night)) even tho I'm using my preventer regularly

She used to say that if I don't get married in the UK, I'm going to have to go with them back home in about a yea or so, but today she came and told me that they're going back home in September, so they can stay there. She did mention that if I was to go back home with them, I will get forced to marry someone at some point, whether I like the guy or not. So I honestly don't know what to do, I really don't want to get the police involved because at the end of the day, they're my parents who genuinely think they're doing it for my sake; but at the same time I can't even imagine myself getting married to someone this old, so I need some advice

Thank you for reading all this
Look for a husband for yourself and one that you’re parents will like. So in a way you’re setting your own terms. Even if you don’t marry the guy just get engaged to him ( the guy who you chose to get your parents off your back)
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ibyghee
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(Original post by Anonymous)
(Before I start, this s going to be a very long post
A little background about myself: I'm an 18 year old muslim girl, from a very strict family and I've had someone propose to me who is 11 years older (29). Family friends h knew the guy were the ones who talked about him to parents, who then asked if he could get married to me. I've seen and talked to the guy for a bit, he seems averagely religious, open minded and generally seems like a nice guy. He's got everything that any girl would look for when searching for a husband ((maybe apart from appearance but that's not as important)). The only problem is that he is wayy too old, and no matter how much my parents told me to think about it, I could not get over that, but my parents ((especially my mum)) is very persistent about me marrying this guy, to the extent that emotionally it's very exhausting. At the beginning I wasn't so sure, but then I made my mind up and told her that I'll just wait for someone else who is around my age. But no matter how much I show her that I'm not going to change my mind, she becomes more and more persistent about me marrying him. She then told me to ask my tutor for advice about this and see what she says. And tbh, I didn't want to ask my tutor mainly because I knew that she would know that I'm getting pressured, but my mum still told me to ask her. When I talked to her, she asked me "but do you actually want to?" and that's when she found that I'm against this. Although at that time it wasn't so bad ((this was last week))
A few days ago, my mum started asking me questions like "but if we were to force you, what would you do? Just get on with it right", and that's when everything started to get f*cked tbh, my health started to get so bad, I get dizzy quite often, really pale skin, and regular asthma attacks ((once it got to 5 asthma attacks in one night)) even tho I'm using my preventer regularly

She used to say that if I don't get married in the UK, I'm going to have to go with them back home in about a yea or so, but today she came and told me that they're going back home in September, so they can stay there. She did mention that if I was to go back home with them, I will get forced to marry someone at some point, whether I like the guy or not. So I honestly don't know what to do, I really don't want to get the police involved because at the end of the day, they're my parents who genuinely think they're doing it for my sake; but at the same time I can't even imagine myself getting married to someone this old, so I need some advice

Thank you for reading all this
i would say to your parents, please stop forcing me... i don't think i want too. but im not sure.
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CatWylde77
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#19
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You should follow these steps:
- Tell your parents everything and don’t let them interrupt.

- Let then know clearly that your decision is that you don’t want to marry the guy and that this is final.

- If they try and force you into it then I suggest calling a help line or contacting someone you trust.

Marriage is about the binding of two people in love. It’s illegal to force someone to marry and you shouldn’t if you hardly know them. Also, you don’t have to wait until you can cook and clean. The husband should do his fair share and be reasonable and helpful if you dislike or don’t know how to do things.

Hope this helps,
Cat
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Anonymous #2
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If they ever take you to Pakistan to get married, put a spoon in your shoe. The people at the scanners will know that there’s something iffy and it’s usually an indicator of child marriage it’s quite well known, they’ll take you to an inside room alone to “check your body” for illegal stuff, where they can help you, without your mum hearing or finding out. That’s if it gets to it.

Anyways you’re 18. Tell your parents they can’t force you to marry someone, not sure why you mentioned Muslim because plenty of cultures that a Muslim heavy do not do forced marriage it’s not allowed. Just push it and say if they force you you will leave. Tell them you won’t go abroad to get married, you’ll ruin your life. This situation is ridiculous but very common in the Pakistani and Indian community, nothing to do with religion but a lot to do with culture, prestige and money. The mans family is probably very rich or well educated.

If they continue to force you though, you’re 18 now, Cant you just go to uni and move out? Put yourself as an independent student on UCAS and then after uni live life as your own person and marry who you want. This kind of stuff will continue to happen until people say no, you need to say no, not just put up with it because they’re your family
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