Trigger warning (in case you need it): mention of rape, abuse.
A backstory:
From June 2016, when I was 14, till May 2017, when I was 15, a man used intimate pictures against me to control my life, to the point I felt suicidal and worthless. By the time i realised it wasn’t the end of the world if the pictures got out, he had even worse stuff on me that would ruin my life because of how intimate they were. He tracked my locations at all times. He made me invade people’s privacy by taking pictures to prove I wasn’t alone, or record audio to prove I wasn’t having sex with someone, and he constantly called me a liar, punished me for being “rude” or “b*tchy”. It caused a really bad effect on my mental health and after it was over and the police got involved, I felt numb for a while.
A few months later, in August, I started getting emotional flashbacks, as though he was still there, my mind telling me I needed to report to him. Or I heard his voice calling me a “wh*re” or a “b*tch” or there was like a timer going on to tell me I needed to get something done (like a video or something, as he would give me deadlines or he would do something), and I was realising it was perhaps symptoms of a form of ptsd, or something.
So it was August, I was in constant pain and I just wanted to feel something other than pain. I get in contact with a guy, considerably older than me. I knew what he wanted and I’d told him about my mental health, I wanted support really. He convinced me to meet up with him and I knew deep down what he wanted but I went anyway because maybe meeting him would make me feel less pain?
He got me to come to his house and we ended up in bed, I didn’t really want to do anything and I made it clear I wasn’t ready and that I just wanted something platonic, because I was incredibly lonely and sad. He started undressing me and touching me and I didn’t want to do it and I told him to stop but I eventually froze and just let him do it.
Afterwards he convinced me that I wanted it, and I believed that. I believed that it was consensual and that I allowed him to do it.
Months after I felt some kind of underlying sadness but I didn’t know why because I couldn’t really remember what happened immediately before him convincing me that I wanted it, and it had temporarily cured the pain from before somehow, but obviously it came back, worse.
Recently I started remembering, and I blame myself because it was my fault I let it happen. I was the one who met him when I knew what he wanted, but surely he knew about my mental state and shouldn’t have convinced a mentally vulnerable 15 year old girl to meet him?
I’m not sure what I’m asking here. I just needed to get it off my chest.