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I hate myself for my past and I’m ashamed

Hey so I could use some advice.. I met my boyfriend (now we’re just friends and seeing where things go) about 8-9 months ago. It was literally love at first sight. And he felt the same way. The feeling and connection we have is indescribable and something you don’t even see in movies. I love him with all my heart and everything is perfect except...he hates my past. I’m almost 22 and sadly have slept with 36 guys including him.. when I was growing up in high school I had lived a tough life. I lived without food, electricity, and the eventually ended up homeless. I was very ashamed and always felt ugly anyway. I remember in 7th grade there was these 2-3 guys in my class that would call me ugly all the time. And in 8th grade, a kid on my bus would always say I’m ugly. Guys never talked to me in high school and I was ashamed of how I looked. When I got to college, I experienced too much life. I wanted to feel pretty so any opportunity to have sex, I took. Because I didn’t know how else to feel pretty. I wasn’t always doing it because I was a hoe or just wanted sex. I thought I was supposed to do these things. Especially when i was 18 and 19 I really wanted a boyfriend. I never really heard people ever talk about not dating a girl with a past and in music, I thought they’d talk about all girls being hoes, not girls who sleep around. I’ve heard guys all girls that don’t do anything hoes. I don’t know..so I was honest with my boyfriend and he said he was so sick from hearing what i said he couldn’t eat for 3 days..since then he would ask me so many questions. He got better, but he used to ask me 5-7 questions a day. Questions I wouldn’t expect a guy to even ask a girl. I’m very vulnerable to shame and this just hit me. I felt more and more shame and it continued for months. When we’re good we’re perfect but when we talk about my past it’s awful. I’m at a point where i can go out and be around girls and instantly I wonder what they’re body count is. I cry a lot over my past and I don’t think guys understand, yes my past bothers you but it does now bother me too and I have to live with it. I feel invaluable and less of a woman to be honest and i feel just...dirty. It’s worse when he thinks about it and gets angry. There’s definitely been some name calling... I hate myself for not keeping myself pure and i don’t even know why i made myself easily accessible. I do think I’m a great girlfriend to him though. I’ve done A LOT of great things to show him I’m not just a girl with a past. He does hurt my feelings but i do feel as if he’s been through a lot in his life so regardless, he deserves someone to treat him like a king. I got him tickets to a sporting event for his birthday because I just felt like he deserves one day just for himself to watch and enjoy something he loves. He’s done a lot for me too and we spend a lot of time together. He makes time for me more than most guys would and we are literally two peas in a pod when we’re not talking about my past. He says his love for me is so strong because if i was any other girl with a past he wouldn’t give me the time of day. He does want to me with me for the long run, but he hates my past. I even tried to start a blog and created an Instagram for it (now deleted) and I showed him and he was talking about how he things people add too much emphasis on social media. Two guys i know (NEVER did anything with) followed it and he was asking about how they found my page, this means they like me, etc etc. To make the relationship better, early on i deleted my social media because he hates it (he never told me to delete it) and i definitelty distanced myself from basically all my guy friends (people I’ve never been with, people who I’ve hung out with one on one and they never made a move, etc etc). One time we were intimate too and he had checked and went through my phone. He doesn’t trust me at all. Now we’re just friends to see what happens, but idk I’m so confused. HELP :frown:
**** him. simple.

EDIT: when i say **** him i mean to tell him to **** off. don't literally **** him.
Reply 2
You must be crazy if you think I'm reading that

Put some paragraphs and come back to me
Original post by Anonymous
Hey so I could use some advice.. I met my boyfriend (now we’re just friends and seeing where things go) about 8-9 months ago. It was literally love at first sight. And he felt the same way. The feeling and connection we have is indescribable and something you don’t even see in movies. I love him with all my heart and everything is perfect except...he hates my past. I’m almost 22 and sadly have slept with 36 guys including him.. when I was growing up in high school I had lived a tough life. I lived without food, electricity, and the eventually ended up homeless. I was very ashamed and always felt ugly anyway. I remember in 7th grade there was these 2-3 guys in my class that would call me ugly all the time. And in 8th grade, a kid on my bus would always say I’m ugly. Guys never talked to me in high school and I was ashamed of how I looked. When I got to college, I experienced too much life. I wanted to feel pretty so any opportunity to have sex, I took. Because I didn’t know how else to feel pretty. I wasn’t always doing it because I was a hoe or just wanted sex. I thought I was supposed to do these things. Especially when i was 18 and 19 I really wanted a boyfriend. I never really heard people ever talk about not dating a girl with a past and in music, I thought they’d talk about all girls being hoes, not girls who sleep around. I’ve heard guys all girls that don’t do anything hoes. I don’t know..so I was honest with my boyfriend and he said he was so sick from hearing what i said he couldn’t eat for 3 days..since then he would ask me so many questions. He got better, but he used to ask me 5-7 questions a day. Questions I wouldn’t expect a guy to even ask a girl. I’m very vulnerable to shame and this just hit me. I felt more and more shame and it continued for months. When we’re good we’re perfect but when we talk about my past it’s awful. I’m at a point where i can go out and be around girls and instantly I wonder what they’re body count is. I cry a lot over my past and I don’t think guys understand, yes my past bothers you but it does now bother me too and I have to live with it. I feel invaluable and less of a woman to be honest and i feel just...dirty. It’s worse when he thinks about it and gets angry. There’s definitely been some name calling... I hate myself for not keeping myself pure and i don’t even know why i made myself easily accessible. I do think I’m a great girlfriend to him though. I’ve done A LOT of great things to show him I’m not just a girl with a past. He does hurt my feelings but i do feel as if he’s been through a lot in his life so regardless, he deserves someone to treat him like a king. I got him tickets to a sporting event for his birthday because I just felt like he deserves one day just for himself to watch and enjoy something he loves. He’s done a lot for me too and we spend a lot of time together. He makes time for me more than most guys would and we are literally two peas in a pod when we’re not talking about my past. He says his love for me is so strong because if i was any other girl with a past he wouldn’t give me the time of day. He does want to me with me for the long run, but he hates my past. I even tried to start a blog and created an Instagram for it (now deleted) and I showed him and he was talking about how he things people add too much emphasis on social media. Two guys i know (NEVER did anything with) followed it and he was asking about how they found my page, this means they like me, etc etc. To make the relationship better, early on i deleted my social media because he hates it (he never told me to delete it) and i definitelty distanced myself from basically all my guy friends (people I’ve never been with, people who I’ve hung out with one on one and they never made a move, etc etc). One time we were intimate too and he had checked and went through my phone. He doesn’t trust me at all. Now we’re just friends to see what happens, but idk I’m so confused. HELP :frown:


In my oppinion it is better that you broke up.
You guys both trigger each other. His behaviour is not a healthy one, it shows many insecurities and ticks some boxes for abuse too.
As for you, the path of shame is a path to hell.
You know that most girls who have lived in difficulty are prone to having many affairs and unwanted pregnancies?
And guys are prone to compulsive behaviour and criminal activity?
You obviously did not have the emotional stability you deserved when you were young.
You can't focus on your sexual activity of the past and forget about your situation.
I am not a professional, but from my own experience what I see in you is co-dependency: a desire to please other people which makes you feel worthy. This is always accompanied by a lack of proper boundaries.
A lack of boundaries in the past when you got intimate for no reason, a lack of boundaries in the present when you are willing to abandon your social life for you boyfriend.
This requires work from you:
-Educate yourself on codependency, you will find plenty of material on you tube etc
- find help, a therapist, or a group
-work on your boundaries and on self love
I have been in a similar situation. Don't be hard on yourself. Learn to love yourself, embrace even the mistakes you made.
Stay away from your boyfriend. This is not what you need now.
Lots of love, hang on
So, in summary, you got on great with your boyfriend until you told him about your sexual history.
You feel ashamed that you've made love with 36 men.

About your past, it all depends what spin you put on it.
The way I'd put it is that you were sexually adventurous. Nothing wrong with that. Having sex is fun and enjoyable. Good for you. At least you were going out and socialising instead of sitting at home watching Eastenders.
You have served your sexual apprenticeship. You're now ready to move into a steady relationship.

Your boyfriend is putting an old fashioned spin on your past. He's being far too negative over it.
I see it as a big plus point that previously you butterflied from one lad to another before settling down with this one. You now have a much more mature perspective on this than someone that had just stuck with the same boyfriend all that time.

You're STI clear and didn't become a mother - so no lasting harm was done.

If anyone ever calls you ugly again ignore them or just laugh. Your looks are good enough to get you inside the pants of 36 men and to attract your current hunk of a boyfriend! And besides, looks are totally over-rated when it comes to success and contentment in life. Who needs looks when you've got soul? And boy, do you have soul, OP.
Reply 5
Hi, the next time DON'T tell the boy about the number of men u had. Let your PRIVATE life be private. U don't have future with this guy for sure, forget him and start to love yourself (u simply can't love somebody until you start to love yourself)

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