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I feel guilty.

2 Years ago, I went to a new school. I got bullied because I wear hijab and because I am somali/black. I was the only black and muslim in the class. most of them used to hate me a lot. I was not confident but liked to study, i used to get high marks. but I was so shy and unsocial. the first months I got bullied I became insecure because of the words they were shouting on me, I mean of course I stood up for myself but it was the whole class except one guy. he was popular in the whole school and he had a lot of friends. a lot of girls had crush on him, he was a bit arrogant but also nice and he was handsome. he was the only one who stood up for me. he even went into a fight with his friend because of me. he used to talk to me a lot but I was shy and insecure so I only used to say some words and I always run away. he used to stare at me a lot and smile. he had a girlfriend at that time but he dumped her. then I heard him and his friends talking about me and they asked him why did you dump her and his friend answered instead and said because he likes Anisa (by the way that is my name). well the problem was me the insecure girl, the shy girl, who is a loner, a wierdo, who never dated. I mean I did not know what to do so I ignored him. he was so charm, my heart used to beat hard when I see him. I was scared to do something turn of so I played him.

what I did was, I flirted with him then ignored him. then acted as if I like him then ignored him. then because of my insecure when he was about to confess to me I walked away almost runned. because he was so popular the whole school was talking about us. every one wanted to see the hijabi he liked which made it worse. even though I was rude to him he always stood up against the people who used to bully me and one of them was his ex.

after a lot of months of me being like that to him he changed. he gave up. his friends used to tell him stop running after her. he started making out with girls who has crush on him (maybe they went far than making out), he started dating them for like a week then another one 2 weeks. he became lost and sad. his girl friends used to ask me can you as a muslim hug a guy? and of course when I say no I cant, they used to run to him, add some salt to what I said and tell him (I never saw them do that but of course they did).

my scores became bad and the bullying raised. I got a lot of depression so I stopped going to school in the last to months (even though I got in trouble with teachers).

when I stopped school, I some times used to check his facebook and he stopped posting or taking pictures. his new girlfriends post things like '' a realation ship with …...'' he had a couple girlfriends after I left. he got a bit fat and he seemed depressed.

i went to another school and things were also difficult but atleast i made some friends there.

now i am 18, i am confident, more social, happy and i am not that shy i used to be. 2 years ago i gained 20 kilos but i lost 8 kilos this year (not much but its ok). i really am happy with myself. i learned who i really am and also i am not even that desprate to get friends anymore. i became my own best friend. i like to sit alone read and write stories/poems. but of course i also like to have fun and laugh and make jokes with friends.
i became careless about what people think about me or say. i am so happy with what ever i am. i deleted all the bad memories but today i met him. i was shopping with my two sisters and one of my sister was telling us something funny which basically made me laugh and walk like drank, then i saw him standing in front of a store, he saw me. omg he looked sad. my heart drop to the ground (just expression of words not really). it beat hard and i could not breath well (i dont know why). then i ignored him and he ignored me. i went to a shop, then again i saw him with his new girlfriend. the surprising is she was shocked to see me, i think she knows me but i dont know her. he stood after me but also next to me, i dont know if it was on purpose but the shop was a bit small. he was so queit, he looked still broken. she got annoyed and told him lets go to another shop. he said ok.

i am feeling guilty. i really never wanted to treat him bad. he was so good to me. i loved him (as a human). i wish he meets the best of the woman and falls in love with her.

my question is why did my heart beat hard when i saw him? is it maybe because i like/liked him (i never thought i had feelings for him)? or is it because when i saw him i also remembered all the bad memories ?

by the way we live in The Netherlands. he is Dutch non muslim and i am Somali muslim.