Original post by S_ophiiieHey guys,
Sorry in advance, this might be a long one as I feel I need to explain my situation a bit!
Over the last few months I have been struggling to choose what to apply for at university. For reference, I am studying English Literature, Biology and Psychology, and am likely to be predicted at least A*AA, dependent on my AS results.
Back in January, I decided to apply for psychology as I was enjoying it in my classes and finding it interesting, however more recently I looked more closely at the course and found that it wasn’t really suited to me, as well as the added difficulty of actually getting a job in a psychology related field.
I then came across the possibility of studying medicine through an additional foundation year (or picking up A level Chemistry and doing it that way), I’m not sure what triggered this other than feeling like I would be contributing to society a bit. Again, after having done (extensive) research and speaking to several doctors, I found that the job would probably not match me particularly well (honestly couldn’t think about having someone’s life literally in my hands!) and so I decided against this path. This was a couple of months ago, already cutting it a little fine! It was at this point that I also came across Midwifery, something I’ve always been fascinated by but hadn’t given much thought to, but again I tried to subdue this because I was frightened of what my parents (particularly my mum) would think of this - my mum in particular wants a high-flying career for me, but I’ll try my best to explain that a bit further down (sorry this is turning into a novel!) as well as it being completely out of the blue and a general uncertainty about whether I would suit that career (seeing a pattern yet?). Having written a load of factsheets about these three subjects, I came to the conclusion that psychology would be the best match, and so continued to look in more depth at university courses for this.
As I have already said, more recently I have realised that I would likely only enjoy the final year of a Psychology degree, and this lead me to perhaps consider a joint honours between English and Psychology. It was at this point that I sadly lost my horse to a severe injury (a few weeks ago now), and right now I do not feel in a particularly good state of mind, certainly not clear enough to make sense of the jumble in my head. I began to consider straight English, seeing some sense in the idea that I do really enjoy the subject and like reading, as well as my English teachers pushing me in this direction. Encouraged by my mum, who initially wanted to study English at university herself, but was rejected and ended up doing a European Studies degree through clearing, I went to visit Oxford (because why not have a look if you’re thinking of English?) and thought it was absolutely stunning, had a great time and quite enjoyed the mini mock lecture I went to. My mum obviously took this as a decision to apply for English, particularly at Oxford, and as far as she is concerned that’s game over now.
However, I am still very confused about what I should be doing, particularly as I have absolutely no idea what to write on a personal statement for English; I don’t know how to convince the tutors at Oxford that I am passionate about literature, I can’t convince myself! I think my trouble is that I can apply myself equally well to the sciences and humanities, and so have no idea which one I would be better suited to in the long run. The only thing I do know is that I have to go to university next year - I cannot cope living in my home any longer, my mum is pretty unstable and sometimes frightening, and I feel as if she is trying to live her life through me, which I know would upset her. I have no issues talking to my dad about all this, and he only wants me to do what would make me happy, but this upsets my mum as she feels I cannot talk to her about things. The problem with trying to talk to her about it is that we cannot have a balanced conversation, the minute I mention anything about having doubts about English, she shuts down and says she can’t cope with any more changes of direction. Whilst I can understand that it is a difficult situation, that is not the support I need from her right now, and doesn’t let me work through my ideas in a sensible way, which I guess is why I’ve come on here to bore you poor people with my troubles (which are pretty minor if you think about it!).
I keep trying to imagine myself doing English, and can see myself doing it, but equally I can’t think of anything to write in a personal statement, which suggests to me that I don’t have a true passion for the subject. Then, whenever I think about what else I would do other than English, my brain automatically jumps to Midwifery - a very different course!
I am so confused and don’t feel I have a supportive space in which to explore these ideas, and my brain is so muddled at the moment from losing my horse (he was my best friend and I miss him terribly as well as harbouring a lot of guilt for his death) that I just don’t want to do anything at the moment. This is not helpful and I know it won’t last, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about choosing a course.
I have tentatively told my dad that I think the sensible option would be for me to do an English degree at a respected university, and use the holidays to get work experience in a variety of fields, and if I am still drawn to Midwifery after that then I can apply as a mature student and do it that way, having English as a back up in case I want to leave the field.
It just makes me feel a bit ill thinking about the wasted money though if I do English first and then end up becoming a midwife, as well as the added length of time as a student, and although I do think that is more sensible long-term, I can’t help feeling a bit funny about it every time I resolve to apply for English this year, suggesting to me that something’s not quite right (or that I’m just feeling the massive hole where my riding future would have been, as I did compete to quite a high level).
I just don’t know, and whilst I know the obvious answer is to get some experience shadowing a midwife over the summer to see if I might like it, that would involve having to tell my mum about it (as I haven’t yet passed my driving test) which would be horrifically uncomfortable and likely end in me being shouted at for not making the most of my opportunities and so on...
I don’t really know what I’m asking from you guys, I guess I just needed a space to let it all out, but I would welcome any advice you might be able to give me if you’ve made it this far.
Thanks a lot,
Sophie x