boyfriend seeing his ex and lying to me about it?

I've known my boyfriend for almost 2 years and been dating him for 5 months. When I first met him he was having trouble with an ex he had broken up with a long time ago and we used to talk about it and he was trying to focus on cutting her off since she was screwing him over big time.
Fast forward to now and I had suspicions he was talking to his ex. I asked him about it around a month ago and reassured him that I trusted him and didn't mind if he spoke to her since I know she was a big part of his life, and he insisted that he only spoke to her to say hello when he was hanging out with her brother (who is one of his best friends).
I dropped it but recently noticed him texting who I was fairly certain was her, so I asked him again and he again denied having contact with her.
The other day we were hanging out and he left me to go pick her up, telling me he did it as a favour to her brother (told me over text while he was on his way back, didn't tell me where he was going beforehand).
This is my bad and I know it was wrong but it was really screwing me up - he left his phone home while he went out and got texts from the number I suspected was hers so I went into his phone and found out he has been texting her and cancelling plans with me to hang out with her for a while now. He texts her good morning and goodnight every day without her messaging first and frequently uses hearts in his texts.
I told him later that I knew he was seeing her and that I didn't mind that he was but was just stressed about the fact that he lied about it, which is true, but also I'm heart that from the texts it seems like he prioritises her and possibly cares more about her wellbeing and mental health (we both have depression) than he does mine (he usually goes MIA when he realises I'm down).
He said he didn't want me to get upset or hurt me and that he does love me, and was trying to cut her off.
I don't doubt that he loves me, but the texts didn't seem like they were coming from someone trying to cut off their ex, but rather stay in touch. I really love him and don't want to break up (whether it be me breaking up with him or him with me) but also don't want to be second best to his ex.
Any advice on how to bring up the conversation when he doesn't like talking about it, or what to do in general? Am I being overdramatic to be as upset as I am over him lying when he could have just been open?
What do I do please help :frown:

Reply 1

kayjpjessie

6

That’s really tough on you i’m sorry :frown:

I think you need to tell him that he needs to be 100% honest about all contact with her. I know that with my boyfriend I don’t worry about his ex because if she ever messages him he shows me and we work on coming up with a suitable reply together so i’m always very aware and not at all worried. I’m sure he cares about you and i know that’s difficult to see when you’re depressed and it may seem like he’s prioritising her but I think he’s probably just been deeply mentally affected by her and she has a sort of hold on him, and whilst he doesn’t have feelings for her, he can’t completely cut her off bc she was in his life for a while. Just ask him for more honesty and say that you’re feeling insecure and would appreciate some reassurance and to be more involved in things, just ask him how things are with her and if he wants to talk about it. If he continues to be secretive and doesn’t like to discuss it with you then there’s something not right there but I think he will be open with you if you approach it the right way

Reply 2

bones-mccoy

20

You're not being overdramatic and I actually think you've acted quite maturely. Think about how you would feel if she wasn't his ex and just a random girl, would his actions be okay then? Talking to her is fine, picking her up is fine. But sending hearts, cancelling plans with you to see her, prioritising her over you and lying about a lot of it is not okay. You need to confront him about it. He won't appreciate you going through his phone but ultimately he left you no choice.

Reply 3

username3131472

17

sorry and here if you need but please if you can cut him off of social media texts and your life you need to move on and be you and do things for you its going to be hard but it is the best for you all i can say is what an idiot he is :s-smilie:

Reply 4

JoniJ

2

Keep in mind that how you respond now may set the stage for your relationship in the future. Are you willing to accept his current actions as part of a long term relationship? If not, you will need to make some type of decision about working together to establish some boundaries that he could use with the ex, such as the ones that were previously suggested. If he is not agreeable or willing to communicate with you, you may need to consider ending this relationship. It is concerning that he is not telling the truth. The text messages are not communicating that he is trying to cut things off with the ex, but seem to be encouraging more connection. It also concerns me that he is cancelling plans with you. Although, you are not married, his priority should be to handle your heart with kindness and care. He doesn't seem to be doing that. I pray that he does not guilt you for looking at his text messages. It may have been a divine way for you to get to the truth, although it may be painful.

boyfriend seeing his ex and lying to me about it?

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