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Am I being so selfish and nasty? watch

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    Basically, my best friend is having a baby. We grew up with eahother every day in school from the age of 12 stayed really close after finishing and we’re now nearly 20. I feel so disappointed and let down that she is having a baby. It’s nearly her due date and I still can’t grasp the idea that my best friend will no longer be mine? We won’t be able to just spontaneously go and hang out, we’ll always have to plan way in advance, she’ll always be too tired to talk, our bond is just going to break. We can’t go out for a few drinks, or what not. To make it worse she is the only friend in my entire life. I literally speak to no one else. I see no one else. I hang out with no one else. Since she got with her boyfriend it was like I already lost part of her to her boyfriend and now she’s nearly got this baby is like I’ve only got 3% of her. We hardly ever speak anymore, and when we do it’s relating to the baby. I just, I’m just so gutted. I mean I’m happy for her cause she wants this but I’m just essentially going through a breakup of what our friendship used to be to what it is now and more importantly how I can see it ending up. But then on the other side of me, I’m beyond hurt that she didn’t ask me to be her birthing partner, as she doesn’t have any immediate family (they abandoned her cause of the baby) it’s just her sister and boyfriend. Like why didn’t she ask me? I thought we were best friends, am I being stupid? And her sister is so annoying, she literally says she’s going to be the best aunty ever to this baby, but my friend asked her to be a god mother to, and me second. Like I know family comes before friends, but in this case family doesn’t mean anything and it’s only recently she’s been talking to her sister again. I’m so sorry for the rant but I’m just so messed up as to how my life has been effected by a baby and I’m not even the one having it. I just miss her already. I’ve no joke, seen her 1 time. Once this year. And it’s July now. 6 months and I’ve seen her once. I’m just devastated. I don’t know what to do.
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    Life is tough. She treasures the family bonds strongly. We can't expect people to behave the way we want to. As the "best friend" you should just respect their decisions and support them. Adapt and live on.
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    This is kind of just something you're going to have to get over.


    Things change, she is growing up and you are no longer top of her list. And that is okay, it's just the way it is. It'll be harder to see her as often but if you both make the effort you'll still see each other.

    However I really think judging by some of the things you have said...you need to do a little bit of growing up yourself. You should not be jealous of a baby, nor insulting others because they were chosen for something you weren't. You are coming across as very selfish and self centred.

    And to add to that, she was never "yours". That is very childish thinking, which shows a clear lack of maturity and understanding that people lead lives outside of yours. You need to learn to develop as your own person without her.
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    People grow up and life moves on. You're not her #1 priority now and rightly so. Also, you say you've only seen her once this year. How much effort have you put into seeing her? She has a newborn baby so if you want to see her, go to where she is.
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    People are not possessions. She doesn’t and never did belong to you. A good friend should be happy she has a loving relationship with a good partner and that she is having a baby that sounds as if it’s very much wanted.
    You need to make new friendships and enjoy doing new things yourself.
    Investing so much into one person is not healthy and the quickest way to lose her friendship altogether
    When it comes to giving birth, unless you’ve done it you have no idea of what she will go through. It’s inten and incredibly personal. Of course her partner should be there. And why not her sister?
    To be honest, she’s probably picked up on all your thoughts and that’s the last thing she needs to deal with whilst in labour
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    A baby will only stop you being friends if neither of you put in the effort to see each other. A number of my friends have children and I still see them plenty. It just means that when I suggest something to do there's a chance there might be a kid (or several) coming along - and that's fine.
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    "Why I am I not the birthing partner or godmother to a baby I despise and blame for ruining my life?"
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    Friendships change as you get older. Just be grateful you're 20 and childless. You can enjoy your life, eventually she'll be living her life vicariously through you because you're free and can enjoy your free time and don't have to look after a baby.
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    If you're really her friend, you should support her choices.

    Also, it doesn't mean you will never see each other. If anything, she will be thrilled with any help you can give her, whether that be a chat on the phone or going for a walk with her with the baby.

    It also doesn't mean you'll never go out drinking again. Most new mums don't go out for a little while, particularly if they're breastfeeding, but once they're comfortable leaving the baby with someone (the father or grandparents for example) she will still be able to come out - it may just have to be planned rather than spontaneous.

    Ultimately, everyone has to grow up. Your friend is being forced to do so quite early due to motherhood, but you should support her - and it's not her fault you don't have any other friends, so it's not like she's going to put off living her own life forever.
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    I'd like to have a baby too
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    Friends are just friends at the end of the day. It sounds cruel but some friends are only for a part of your life and this might not be the end. Try to keep the friendship going but if it doesn’t work don’t be afraid to move on.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Basically, my best friend is having a baby. We grew up with eahother every day in school from the age of 12 stayed really close after finishing and we’re now nearly 20. I feel so disappointed and let down that she is having a baby. It’s nearly her due date and I still can’t grasp the idea that my best friend will no longer be mine? We won’t be able to just spontaneously go and hang out, we’ll always have to plan way in advance, she’ll always be too tired to talk, our bond is just going to break. We can’t go out for a few drinks, or what not. To make it worse she is the only friend in my entire life. I literally speak to no one else. I see no one else. I hang out with no one else. Since she got with her boyfriend it was like I already lost part of her to her boyfriend and now she’s nearly got this baby is like I’ve only got 3% of her. We hardly ever speak anymore, and when we do it’s relating to the baby. I just, I’m just so gutted. I mean I’m happy for her cause she wants this but I’m just essentially going through a breakup of what our friendship used to be to what it is now and more importantly how I can see it ending up. But then on the other side of me, I’m beyond hurt that she didn’t ask me to be her birthing partner, as she doesn’t have any immediate family (they abandoned her cause of the baby) it’s just her sister and boyfriend. Like why didn’t she ask me? I thought we were best friends, am I being stupid? And her sister is so annoying, she literally says she’s going to be the best aunty ever to this baby, but my friend asked her to be a god mother to, and me second. Like I know family comes before friends, but in this case family doesn’t mean anything and it’s only recently she’s been talking to her sister again. I’m so sorry for the rant but I’m just so messed up as to how my life has been effected by a baby and I’m not even the one having it. I just miss her already. I’ve no joke, seen her 1 time. Once this year. And it’s July now. 6 months and I’ve seen her once. I’m just devastated. I don’t know what to do.
    You have choices here. Accept that the friendship will take on different dynamics. It isn’t that you won’t be friends any more - your choice of course - but that you will be different in the pecking order and you will have to be mature about that. The contact with her sister is new to her and she needs to be able to cultivate it. She will want to do that and more so because her family disowned her.
    1. Can you skype regularly if you can’t see her.
    2. Understand and appreciate that she can’t go out boozing. She’s going to be a parent.
    3. It’s your friend, her partner and their baby and then you, in that order.
    Accept this or lose her.
    Trust me, your situation is not uncommon.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Basically, my best friend is having a baby. We grew up with eahother every day in school from the age of 12 stayed really close after finishing and we’re now nearly 20. I feel so disappointed and let down that she is having a baby. It’s nearly her due date and I still can’t grasp the idea that my best friend will no longer be mine? We won’t be able to just spontaneously go and hang out, we’ll always have to plan way in advance, she’ll always be too tired to talk, our bond is just going to break. We can’t go out for a few drinks, or what not. To make it worse she is the only friend in my entire life. I literally speak to no one else. I see no one else. I hang out with no one else. Since she got with her boyfriend it was like I already lost part of her to her boyfriend and now she’s nearly got this baby is like I’ve only got 3% of her. We hardly ever speak anymore, and when we do it’s relating to the baby. I just, I’m just so gutted. I mean I’m happy for her cause she wants this but I’m just essentially going through a breakup of what our friendship used to be to what it is now and more importantly how I can see it ending up. But then on the other side of me, I’m beyond hurt that she didn’t ask me to be her birthing partner, as she doesn’t have any immediate family (they abandoned her cause of the baby) it’s just her sister and boyfriend. Like why didn’t she ask me? I thought we were best friends, am I being stupid? And her sister is so annoying, she literally says she’s going to be the best aunty ever to this baby, but my friend asked her to be a god mother to, and me second. Like I know family comes before friends, but in this case family doesn’t mean anything and it’s only recently she’s been talking to her sister again. I’m so sorry for the rant but I’m just so messed up as to how my life has been effected by a baby and I’m not even the one having it. I just miss her already. I’ve no joke, seen her 1 time. Once this year. And it’s July now. 6 months and I’ve seen her once. I’m just devastated. I don’t know what to do.
    Maybe. You should be happy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Basically, my best friend is having a baby. We grew up with eahother every day in school from the age of 12 stayed really close after finishing and we’re now nearly 20. I feel so disappointed and let down that she is having a baby. It’s nearly her due date and I still can’t grasp the idea that my best friend will no longer be mine? We won’t be able to just spontaneously go and hang out, we’ll always have to plan way in advance, she’ll always be too tired to talk, our bond is just going to break. We can’t go out for a few drinks, or what not. To make it worse she is the only friend in my entire life. I literally speak to no one else. I see no one else. I hang out with no one else. Since she got with her boyfriend it was like I already lost part of her to her boyfriend and now she’s nearly got this baby is like I’ve only got 3% of her. We hardly ever speak anymore, and when we do it’s relating to the baby. I just, I’m just so gutted. I mean I’m happy for her cause she wants this but I’m just essentially going through a breakup of what our friendship used to be to what it is now and more importantly how I can see it ending up. But then on the other side of me, I’m beyond hurt that she didn’t ask me to be her birthing partner, as she doesn’t have any immediate family (they abandoned her cause of the baby) it’s just her sister and boyfriend. Like why didn’t she ask me? I thought we were best friends, am I being stupid? And her sister is so annoying, she literally says she’s going to be the best aunty ever to this baby, but my friend asked her to be a god mother to, and me second. Like I know family comes before friends, but in this case family doesn’t mean anything and it’s only recently she’s been talking to her sister again. I’m so sorry for the rant but I’m just so messed up as to how my life has been effected by a baby and I’m not even the one having it. I just miss her already. I’ve no joke, seen her 1 time. Once this year. And it’s July now. 6 months and I’ve seen her once. I’m just devastated. I don’t know what to do.

    While the first part of your "rant" seems to be selfish – the more you write, the more I immerse in your despair and begin to feel it. Perhaps, she is your “false best friend” and you haven’t figured that out, but it seems you haven’t discussed your feelings with her or you haven’t been active enough to stay by her side and help her. You should also understand that having a baby at such a tender age is an ordeal, which can eventually turn into the happiest family moments: you should be supportive anyway. Don’t be jealous, just be open-hearted, call her, tell how much you miss her, and you want to see her, being always eager to help her out. Genuine friendship doesn’t vanish, it’s just able to be transformed into something stronger and beautiful with time. If you have to be close with this person, you will be. Good luck!
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    Have you made an effort? Make it clear to her that you want to be in her life ie. text her constantly and ask her how she's doing visit her etc. maybe it might mean she can't go out for drinks regularly but it might be the start of a new era of hanging out. it's spending time together that you really want and that can still happen
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    20 years old is a really weird age to have a baby
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    I mean I just can’t believe she’s having a baby before she’s even 20.
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    Maybe you can baby sit the baby from time to time and learn to change nappies and feed the baby.

    This can help when you decide to have a baby...
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    You should be happy for her. You just sound so...disappointed?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Basically, my best friend is having a baby. We grew up with eahother every day in school from the age of 12 stayed really close after finishing and we’re now nearly 20. I feel so disappointed and let down that she is having a baby. It’s nearly her due date and I still can’t grasp the idea that my best friend will no longer be mine? We won’t be able to just spontaneously go and hang out, we’ll always have to plan way in advance, she’ll always be too tired to talk, our bond is just going to break. We can’t go out for a few drinks, or what not. To make it worse she is the only friend in my entire life. I literally speak to no one else. I see no one else. I hang out with no one else. Since she got with her boyfriend it was like I already lost part of her to her boyfriend and now she’s nearly got this baby is like I’ve only got 3% of her. We hardly ever speak anymore, and when we do it’s relating to the baby. I just, I’m just so gutted. I mean I’m happy for her cause she wants this but I’m just essentially going through a breakup of what our friendship used to be to what it is now and more importantly how I can see it ending up. But then on the other side of me, I’m beyond hurt that she didn’t ask me to be her birthing partner, as she doesn’t have any immediate family (they abandoned her cause of the baby) it’s just her sister and boyfriend. Like why didn’t she ask me? I thought we were best friends, am I being stupid? And her sister is so annoying, she literally says she’s going to be the best aunty ever to this baby, but my friend asked her to be a god mother to, and me second. Like I know family comes before friends, but in this case family doesn’t mean anything and it’s only recently she’s been talking to her sister again. I’m so sorry for the rant but I’m just so messed up as to how my life has been effected by a baby and I’m not even the one having it. I just miss her already. I’ve no joke, seen her 1 time. Once this year. And it’s July now. 6 months and I’ve seen her once. I’m just devastated. I don’t know what to do.
    Whilst I do feel for you to a certain extent, I do think you're being rather unreasonable on some of the points you have made. I've never heard of a best friend being a birthing partner for anyone ever! And whilst you may think her sister is annoying and that "in this case family doesn't mean anything", the reality is that your friend's family cutting her off probably makes her sister more important to her than ever, regardless of how long or short they've been on talking terms recently.

    As to how often you've seen your friend this year: have you been proactive in initiating stuff yourself or just been waiting around for her to suggest stuff? In any case, I don't feel how much you physically see your friend or talk to her should make a huge difference to the friendship, if you are both secure in it. Myself and my BFF probably see each other about 4 times per calendar year and until recently, could go several months without seeing or phoning each other - just the odd WhatsApp message here and there! But we both are secure enough in the friendship to know that it's no reflection on how much we care about each other, and that we're always there for each other if needed!

    In my humble opinion, you've invested an unhealthy amount of energy into this friendship because (by your own accounts), you have no one else. You cannot realistically depend on your friend to be your entire social life, and think that nothing will ever change - that's rather naive and unfair to both of you. You deserve to have more friends and she deserves to have other priorities without reproach from you.

    I don't think this needs to be the end of your friendship, or even as major a change as you think. That said, I think both you and your friend will benefit from you finding hobbies and other friends that don't involve/revolve around her :yes:
 
 
 
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