I just turned 18, I'm a girl and a virgin. I've never been in a relationship and never done anything sexual at all. heck I've barely even spoken to a guy before, I come from a very strict background and I believe that this upbringing partially contributes to me feeling so repressed.
i feel so so so horny and it's just so intense. when i start to feel horny I'll feel horny for hours and it's almost physically painful and feels sore because everything is constantly throbbing . i watch porn sometimes but my own imagination gets me off even more and i prefer my imagination. another thing, when i get horny i ALWAYS feel my eyes watering up and I feel like I'm going to cry. I think this is because I crave sexual intimacy, particularly with someone I love, so deeply (i always fantasise about having sex with a future boyfriend or something and it gets me so so horny, maybe this is also because I've been quite lonely my entire life).
the only issue is, I really, really can't relieve myself because I don't know how. and yes i do my best to keep myself distracted but there are inevitably times where i do end up feeling horny and then the same scenario as above holds true.
i feel really quite embarrassed that I'm 18, an adult, but i don't know how to masturbate. I've been trying to masturbate since I was 14 (though admittedly the first time i ever felt turned on wasn't until 15) but I'm still not sure how. nothing I do will feel pleasurable.
i literally just don't know what to do. I'm so sick and tired of this. even as I currently write this, it's 6am and I haven't slept all night because I'm just so sexually frustrated. I don't understand why I can't masturbate properly. anytime i touch myself it just doesn't feel
pleasurable at all even though I'm turned on. I feel like a lot of sexual gratification for me is mental as opposed to me touching myself.
i really really really want a vibrator too (probably not a dildo because I can't imagine that feeling comfortable) but, strict parents, i don't even know how I'd buy and hide one (although I will hopefully be going to uni soon and will definitely be buying a vibrator then). i also wouldn't lose my virginity to anyone i didn't love and feel comfortable with, so that's off the table too.
i just really don't know what to do
and I would really appreciate some advice. I feel like not knowing how to masturbate is having such a toll on me. thank you