The Student Room Group

My mother is using me for benefits

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I’m being forced to think I’m morally wrong for moving out of my mothers and moving to my fathers. My mother is currently receiving carers allowance for me living with her.

She has told me that she will also be losing housing benefit for officially living with my father.

My mother and my father hate each other so I am finding it hard to understand what is actually right.

I have a lot of family members from my mothers side messaging me and giving me grief because she will be losing money, what should I be doing?
Is your mom Carol Rhodes?
Original post by Paddybah
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I’m being forced to think I’m morally wrong for moving out of my mothers and moving to my fathers. My mother is currently receiving carers allowance for me living with her.

She has told me that she will also be losing housing benefit for officially living with my father.

My mother and my father hate each other so I am finding it hard to understand what is actually right.

I have a lot of family members from my mothers side messaging me and giving me grief because she will be losing money, what should I be doing?


You do what is best for you. You are not responsible for the way your mother behaves and she will have to find some way of making her own financial arrangements. Children are not a source of income for parents.
Reply 3
Original post by Paktriot
Is your mom Carol Rhodes?


My mums blonde and 60 aha so no
Reply 4
Original post by Seamus123
You do what is best for you. You are not responsible for the way your mother behaves and she will have to find some way of making her own financial arrangements. Children are not a source of income for parents.


I just feel like I’m under a lot of pressure and I am knowing I’m going to be hated by her side of the family and will no longer be able to speak to them.
Original post by Paddybah
I just feel like I’m under a lot of pressure and I am knowing I’m going to be hated by her side of the family and will no longer be able to speak to them.


It seems to be that your family are more concerned about themselves than they are about what’s best for you.
Children are the exact opposite of a money-making scheme.
If you're no longer staying with your mother then presumably she is also no longer responsible for your care - ergo is not in need of the carer's allowance intended to support you,

It's hard to comment from the outside but it sounds like you're being utilised a little more than you ought to be.
Do what you need to for yourself, your parent's financial troubles can be your concern when you're in your 40s and 50s - not now.
Please have a little understanding for your mother.
It is not your responsibility to take care of her as you are just becoming an adult yourself.

However parents particularly mothers have to make many sacrifices for their children which may include giving up careers or reducing them to care of children.

This can hurt earning power for a long time or even for ever.

Whilst you live with your mother she may be entitled to some benefits to increase her income and so help provide for you.

As soon as you leave she may suffer the loss of hundreds of pounds a month which she cannot easily immediately replace particularly if she is in a low paid job.

I am not sure what your father contributes to help with your expenses.

This is why you are being asked to stay at home.

Because your mother's income is low if you stay here until 18 years old you will also get the maximum student loans etc as it will be based on your mother's income.

Unless she really treats you badly perhaps reconsider your choice to move out.
Reply 8
Original post by Seamus123
It seems to be that your family are more concerned about themselves than they are about what’s best for you.


I believe that to be true, the argument is that she is old and will be forced to move house. They are actually fine with me living with my dad so long as I’m not living officially.
Reply 9
Original post by LouiseRu
Please have a little understanding for your mother.
It is not your responsibility to take care of her as you are just becoming an adult yourself.

However parents particularly mothers have to make many sacrifices for their children which may include giving up careers or reducing them to care of children.

This can hurt earning power for a long time or even for ever.

Whilst you live with your mother she may be entitled to some benefits to increase her income and so help provide for you.

As soon as you leave she may suffer the loss of hundreds of pounds a month which she cannot easily immediately replace particularly if she is in a low paid job.

I am not sure what your father contributes to help with your expenses.

This is why you are being asked to stay at home.

Because your mother's income is low if you stay here until 18 years old you will also get the maximum student loans etc as it will be based on your mother's income.

Unless she really treats you badly perhaps reconsider your choice to move out.


That is what I am thinking about, I am currently 19 and she is 60, however I have a 22 year old sister and 30 year old brother who are also living with her.
Original post by Paddybah
I believe that to be true, the argument is that she is old and will be forced to move house. They are actually fine with me living with my dad so long as I’m not living officially.


And what do you think will happen if/when it is discovered that you are not living with her and she is receiving Carer’s Allowance for you? You will both be prosecuted.
Reply 11
Original post by Seamus123
And what do you think will happen if/when it is discovered that you are not living with her and she is receiving Carer’s Allowance for you? You will both be prosecuted.


I have rang to cancel the carers a week ago, that is why I’m getting messages and phone calls from her and my older sister giving me grief.
Original post by Paddybah
I have rang to cancel the carers a week ago, that is why I’m getting messages and phone calls from her and my older sister giving me grief.


You have done the right thing. I can see you are torn with this but you have your own life to lead, and for those who say your parent has made sacrifices for you - no, it is unconditional and you are not required to ‘payback’. That is not what parenting is about.
Reply 13
Original post by Seamus123
You have done the right thing. I can see you are torn with this but you have your own life to lead, and for those who say your parent has made sacrifices for you - no, it is unconditional and you are not required to ‘payback’. That is not what parenting is about.


I agree. I’m not sure what her situation completely is because she is living in a good house with my siblings living with her. And her side of the family is very big and stays in touch. I believe She wants to use me, so that she can selfishly stay living in that nice house, that a middle classed family would typically have.
Reply 14
Original post by Paddybah
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I’m being forced to think I’m morally wrong for moving out of my mothers and moving to my fathers. My mother is currently receiving carers allowance for me living with her.

She has told me that she will also be losing housing benefit for officially living with my father.

My mother and my father hate each other so I am finding it hard to understand what is actually right.

I have a lot of family members from my mothers side messaging me and giving me grief because she will be losing money, what should I be doing?


Tbh with you I think if you're ready to move out and start your adult life I'd go for it. Your parents should encourage you to grow and help you out with things like this. If you're responsible enough and financially stable enough to move out why not! As you say you have mature siblings who already live with her, it feels unfair on you that you'd be forced to stay just so your mum can have her money. In my opinion it seems a little selfish to hold you back like that. Don't feel guilty whatever decision you make, and don't let the rest of the family blackmail you either! You do you think of your happiness and what you want to achieve and chase that!
Original post by Paddybah
I agree. I’m not sure what her situation completely is because she is living in a good house with my siblings living with her. And her side of the family is very big and stays in touch. I believe She wants to use me, so that she can selfishly stay living in that nice house, that a middle classed family would typically have.


Children have to be let go by parents. If they let go willingly, children will return. If not, the relationship is damaged and will be strained and become toxic.
You look after yourself now and give yourself time to assess your situation. I would keep your distance for a bit if I were you until things settle down.
Reply 17
Thanks for your support everyone! I am going to avoid contact with them for a while and let them fix this on their own. I was bound to move out sooner or later, so I think this argument was gonna start either way.
I can’t live with them forever! Not even for financial reasons.

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