in love with a girl from Germany

So a little backstory; this girl (let's call M) and I are long distance friends, and have been for about 3 years now. When we first met, she apparently enjoyed my company so much she asked for my number via Facebook after she went home. She thought I was really interesting and funny because of how different I was from her. She’s been telling me forever how great of a person and friend I am to her and that she’ll always be there to support me and be there for me, no matter what I happen to do. in her words, we’re friends because “opposites attract”. M's worn the sweater I sent to her for her birthday as a good luck charm for a major exam she had, sent me postcards, and makes the occasional post about me on her Instagram (though she doesn’t really use it too much, nor do I) And we used to text everyday but that has slowed down since we’ve gotten older and been saddled with more responsibilities

And I definitely definitely can say that I have a massive crush on her People around me have told me that she has a thing for me, but I don’t know if I can believe them...

Anyway, when M flew back here (alone) to the states a while ago for my graduation, we ran into an issue. I didn't act like the same person I was over text and she didn't like that too much. I’m the kind of person that splits himself into his “social self” and his “private self” and for the 2+ years she and I were texting back and forth, I 99% of the time only showed her my private self. I didn’t have to hide how sensitive I was via humor or make any crude jokes in order to get along with her. Everything felt so natural with her, so...easy. M really got me to be myself when I was talking to her.

So, she came to visit in person, and 99% of the time that we were in the vicinity of each other, I had my social self out because that’s the way I interact and connect with my friends. My closer friends already know this about me though. But, she didn’t yet. And seeing me act like a totally different person then the one she got to know after all this time via really frustrated her. She was clearly paying close attention to me and how I acted with my friends and that bugged her. In her words, M just couldn’t understand how such an amazing, funny, sweet, caring, smart, and lovable guy could be....well, not that in person. And she “really really liked” the person I was over text. But she had reasonable expectations for me that I didn’t meet (like sitting next to her without being prompted to) and that deeply upset her.

So, for the two weeks she spent in my city, she more or less gave me the cold shoulder because she didn’t know what else to do. She felt like she couldn’t just confront me on it because she was deeply afraid of hurting my feelings because she didn’t know how I’d take it. So instead, she talked to a really close friend of mine for advice on dealing with me. Keep in mind, the only way she knew this person before she came to visit was because I told M about her. So, M was essentially talking to a stranger for advice on me.

After some encouragement from my friend, M and I sat down and talked out everything, and that’s how I found out about why she was ignoring me. M told me that she was sad and upset about the way I acted because she knows my social self is just a dumb facade to keep people away (she’s right about that) and she wished that I would open myself up more so people could see just how amazing I am. After she went home, in my best effort to apologize again, I sent her two apology letters in which I explained myself to the best of my ability and apologized for my actions.

lThe thing is with M is that she is a huge flirt and is indeed kind to everybody, so it’s very easy for guys to misunderstand her actions. It’s happened before and she’s told me it bugs her. That being said, she seems to have issues committing herself to a crush/budding romantic relationship (at least that’s what I think based on what she tells me). She either loses interest in them because their values don’t match, they’re *******s, or she doesn’t want “ruin their friendship by dating”. It’s been a common running theme with her for years.

I plan on telling M how I feel next summer when I go visit her and can tell her face-to-face how I feel about her. I’ll be staying with her and her family (via her suggestion) so if I get rejected it’s going to be awkward as all hell. But, does she like me? Are my friends right about her liking me or is this just an “oh she's just really friendly” thing

TL;DR - I like a long distance friend of mine but I'm not sure if she likes me back. She clearly cares about me a lot and goes above and beyond for me whenever she has to, but she's one of the extroverted/expressive types so I can't get a read on her. I would just tell her how I feel, but I'll be visiting her and staying with her family next summer.

Reply 1

Alaric III

Work on being your 'private self' around her before you start professing your love to her. As you've noticed, she find two-facedness deeply unattractive as evidenced by how awkward your last meeting was. It's hard being honest with people, but life is much more enjoyable when you learn to be comfortable with yourself and open up. While it's tempting to think you could make it work long distance because you're good that way, the reality is that how you interact in person is much more important. It's not easy making the switch, but until you learn how to open up to her in real life like you do online, any actual relationship will not be on the cards. Especially if she has had issues with guys in the friendzone crossing boundaries in the past, tread very carefully here. Clearly she cares about you, yet disappointing realities within long distance friendships don't bode well for romance. Address the awkwardness before you make any moves. Being honest, I don't think there's much of a chance if the online chemistry doesn't translate into real life. How do you envision a future relationship with her? There are some hard realities to address here: The distance between the US and Germany is vast. Seeing each other once a year is ludicrously hard to pull off, especially at the beginning of a relationship, and especially if the chemistry isn't there when you meet in person. How much past experience you have with relationships? Were they also long distance?

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 2

OnoD

Original post by Alaric III

I’ve had only one girlfriend in the past and she was just a classmate of mine from school. I’ve never done any sort of long distance relationship, but i’m definitely willing to give it a go for her sake if the feeling is mutual. She means that much to me. And about the chemistry thing, we did have it when she and I first met. We were around each other as much as possible for the two weeks she was here for that’s why she wanted my number in the first place 3 years ago. She thought i was very interesting and funny (in her words). The difference between last year and our first meeting was me. I spent too much time in my head and essentially tripped myself by forgetting what M and I’s relationship actually was and forgetting she knows about my other side

in love with a girl from Germany

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