(edit: i´m in sweden so swedish rape laws would be suitable, i definitely don´t want to make a report but for the sake of discussion i´ll leave this note here.)
I don't want to offend those who have actually been victims of it. But I can't help to feel like I was somehow raped in a sense. I know I probably wasn't, but inside I feel like it. My first time having sex traumatized me and I can't let it go. It was years ago but I think about it all the time
I was 16. He was 18. I had literally never done anything with a guy before, not even kissed or held hands. I wish he would've taken it more slowly. He was my boyfriend of 2 years, we met online and he traveled to visit me. Everything was fine and happy until he kissed me. We were in some kind of secluded forest area. He carried me and lifted me up and put me down on the ground. And then he like hovered over me to "give me a massage" I felt really scared and hated it.
So the next day I was going to pick him up outside of his hotel. I also wanted to tell him that I thought we should take things more slowly. He said we should talk about it inside his hotel room instead so he told me to follow him there. I was so scared and devastated, I'd been crying all night doubting our relationship and if I really wanted to be with him. Once I'm his hotel room, j completely broke down. I was crying and hyperventilating and telling him we should be friends and not do this.
I was a mess. He put me on his bed and in his lap and said he was gonna heal me from my sorrow and then he began touching me. I should have stopped him. But instead I said yes. He was so sad. I didn't want to hurt him, so I said yes to having sex out of guilt. I wasn't in the right state of mind, I had stopped crying but I was numb. My eyes were closed or half closed the whole time, I didn't dare open them. It hurt so ****ing much. I told him over and over "ow ow ow" it hurts it hurts it hurts, and squirmed so he'd stop doing it so roughly. He didn't use a condom, nothing was planned, he called me a whore and hit my face.
It's so frustrating because I can't find solace or solidarity in being a rape victim because I'm not one, but I can't get over the regret either and I feel so worthless and awful. How can I heal from this?