Was i raped or am i over reacting? Watch

Baghini
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(edit: i´m in sweden so swedish rape laws would be suitable, i definitely don´t want to make a report but for the sake of discussion i´ll leave this note here.)

I don't want to offend those who have actually been victims of it. But I can't help to feel like I was somehow raped in a sense. I know I probably wasn't, but inside I feel like it. My first time having sex traumatized me and I can't let it go. It was years ago but I think about it all the time

I was 16. He was 18. I had literally never done anything with a guy before, not even kissed or held hands. I wish he would've taken it more slowly. He was my boyfriend of 2 years, we met online and he traveled to visit me. Everything was fine and happy until he kissed me. We were in some kind of secluded forest area. He carried me and lifted me up and put me down on the ground. And then he like hovered over me to "give me a massage" I felt really scared and hated it.

So the next day I was going to pick him up outside of his hotel. I also wanted to tell him that I thought we should take things more slowly. He said we should talk about it inside his hotel room instead so he told me to follow him there. I was so scared and devastated, I'd been crying all night doubting our relationship and if I really wanted to be with him. Once I'm his hotel room, j completely broke down. I was crying and hyperventilating and telling him we should be friends and not do this.

I was a mess. He put me on his bed and in his lap and said he was gonna heal me from my sorrow and then he began touching me. I should have stopped him. But instead I said yes. He was so sad. I didn't want to hurt him, so I said yes to having sex out of guilt. I wasn't in the right state of mind, I had stopped crying but I was numb. My eyes were closed or half closed the whole time, I didn't dare open them. It hurt so ****ing much. I told him over and over "ow ow ow" it hurts it hurts it hurts, and squirmed so he'd stop doing it so roughly. He didn't use a condom, nothing was planned, he called me a whore and hit my face.

It's so frustrating because I can't find solace or solidarity in being a rape victim because I'm not one, but I can't get over the regret either and I feel so worthless and awful. How can I heal from this?
Last edited by Baghini; 4 months ago
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Professional G
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Well this was certainly something. In short l: you were raped. Asssuming this is not a troll, cut all contact and report him to the police. Block him on all social media and block his phone number.
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completecretin
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(Original post by Baghini)
I was 16. He was 18. I had literally never done anything with a guy before, not even kissed or held hands. I wish he would've taken it more slowly. He was my boyfriend of 2 years, we met online and he traveled to visit me. Everything was fine and happy until he kissed me. We were in some kind of secluded forest area. He carried me and lifted me up and put me down on the ground. And then he like hovered over me to "give me a massage" I felt really scared and hated it.

So the next day I was going to pick him up outside of his hotel. I also wanted to tell him that I thought we should take things more slowly. He said we should talk about it inside his hotel room instead so he told me to follow him there. I was so scared and devastated, I'd been crying all night doubting our relationship and if I really wanted to be with him. Once I'm his hotel room, j completely broke down. I was crying and hyperventilating and telling him we should be friends and not do this.

I was a mess. He put me on his bed and in his lap and said he was gonna heal me from my sorrow and then he began touching me. I should have stopped him. But instead I said yes. He was so sad. I didn't want to hurt him, so I said yes to having sex out of guilt. I wasn't in the right state of mind, I had stopped crying but I was numb. My eyes were closed or half closed the whole time, I didn't dare open them. It hurt so ****ing much. I told him over and over "ow ow ow" it hurts it hurts it hurts, and squirmed so he'd stop doing it so roughly. He didn't use a condom, nothing was planned, he called me a whore and hit my face
Yes. Consent isn't as simple as saying "yes"
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pippa2.1
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I think that is rape, because you didn't even want to but was almost pressurised by his sadness
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Baghini
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(Original post by McFarlane)
What if he didn't realise she didn't want it. Legally he wouldn't be charged,
I should clarify that i do not want to charge him or anything. I don´t even want to tell anyone about it in real life. I just want to get over it and cope with it because i can´t keep feeling worthless over it. I just need to understand what happened. this may be the wrong forum but i don´t have any friends to ask and i´m kind of going insane about this. i get that i sound like a troll but i´m not, just a mess.
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Lady Jamie
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From what you described, it was neither. You were not raped and you are not overreacting.
He did take advantage of your vulnerable mental state and I'm sorry that you experienced this.

Sadly in the world we live in, morally wrong acts are not always in breach of the law.

However, what you mentioned in the last part regarding wanting him to stop and the physical assault might raise some legal concerns. I'd still be careful before going off and claiming rape. Hopefully, someone with more legal knowledge will be able to assist you.

Edit** all the divided opinions Maybe Notoriety will be nice enough to offer some input from his much more extensive legal knowledge?
Last edited by Lady Jamie; 4 months ago
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snugglebear
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The fact that you wanted him to stop doing it roughly and made body movements to show your discomfort could count as sexual assault and the emotional coercion could maybe be grooming. It also might not be, and might just be an unfortunate experience with a creep that you have to try to deal with and move on from. I think you could talk to the police or a counsellor to see where you stand with the law if you wanted to make a case against him.
Last edited by snugglebear; 4 months ago
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jshin
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uhhh...yes I'd call this a rape. Sorry you had to go through that.
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snugglebear
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I can't find a good uk article on this, although I don't know what country you're in. but here is some info, it's an American site, so the phone number would probably cost you loads to call,
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relatio...exual-coercion
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Lady Jamie
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(Original post by ugaaa5)
Yes. Consent isn't as simple as saying "yes"
But rape is also not as simple as claiming 'I wasn't in the right state of mind'.

If that is the case, I am expecting thousands of bitter ex-lovers flooding in and claiming that they were rape to seek their own bitter revenge.
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completecretin
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(Original post by JamieK03)
But rape is also not as simple as claiming 'I wasn't in the right state of mind'.

If that is the case, I am expecting thousands of bitter ex-lovers flooding in and claiming that they were rape to seek their own bitter revenge.
Didn't say that, did I?
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Lady Jamie
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(Original post by ugaaa5)
Didn't say that, did I?
In that case, please enlighten me with your premises that led you to the conclusion of 'yes' regarding whether or not OP was raped.
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completecretin
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(Original post by JamieK03)
In that case, please enlighten me with your premises that led you to the conclusion of 'yes' regarding whether or not OP was raped.
No.
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Ramses Indigo
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(Original post by Baghini)
I was 16. He was 18. I had literally never done anything with a guy before, not even kissed or held hands. I wish he would've taken it more slowly. He was my boyfriend of 2 years, we met online and he traveled to visit me. Everything was fine and happy until he kissed me. We were in some kind of secluded forest area. He carried me and lifted me up and put me down on the ground. And then he like hovered over me to "give me a massage" I felt really scared and hated it.

So the next day I was going to pick him up outside of his hotel. I also wanted to tell him that I thought we should take things more slowly. He said we should talk about it inside his hotel room instead so he told me to follow him there. I was so scared and devastated, I'd been crying all night doubting our relationship and if I really wanted to be with him. Once I'm his hotel room, j completely broke down. I was crying and hyperventilating and telling him we should be friends and not do this.

I was a mess. He put me on his bed and in his lap and said he was gonna heal me from my sorrow and then he began touching me. I should have stopped him. But instead I said yes. He was so sad. I didn't want to hurt him, so I said yes to having sex out of guilt. I wasn't in the right state of mind, I had stopped crying but I was numb. My eyes were closed or half closed the whole time, I didn't dare open them. It hurt so ****ing much. I told him over and over "ow ow ow" it hurts it hurts it hurts, and squirmed so he'd stop doing it so roughly. He didn't use a condom, nothing was planned, he called me a whore and hit my face
Tell him you don't wanna have sex man, he obviously doesn't care about how you feel so why should you??? tell him straight that you dont wanna do this physical ting and have him manhandling you like some sex slave. You didn't get raped but you got violated, it happens to the best of us, all you can do is learn from this experience and to never be timid or shy in standing up for how you feel
Last edited by Ramses Indigo; 4 months ago
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Bulletzone
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(Original post by Baghini)
I was 16. He was 18. I had literally never done anything with a guy before, not even kissed or held hands. I wish he would've taken it more slowly. He was my boyfriend of 2 years, we met online and he traveled to visit me. Everything was fine and happy until he kissed me. We were in some kind of secluded forest area. He carried me and lifted me up and put me down on the ground. And then he like hovered over me to "give me a massage" I felt really scared and hated it.

So the next day I was going to pick him up outside of his hotel. I also wanted to tell him that I thought we should take things more slowly. He said we should talk about it inside his hotel room instead so he told me to follow him there. I was so scared and devastated, I'd been crying all night doubting our relationship and if I really wanted to be with him. Once I'm his hotel room, j completely broke down. I was crying and hyperventilating and telling him we should be friends and not do this.

I was a mess. He put me on his bed and in his lap and said he was gonna heal me from my sorrow and then he began touching me. I should have stopped him. But instead I said yes. He was so sad. I didn't want to hurt him, so I said yes to having sex out of guilt. I wasn't in the right state of mind, I had stopped crying but I was numb. My eyes were closed or half closed the whole time, I didn't dare open them. It hurt so ****ing much. I told him over and over "ow ow ow" it hurts it hurts it hurts, and squirmed so he'd stop doing it so roughly. He didn't use a condom, nothing was planned, he called me a whore and hit my face
I'm sorry for the ordeal that you went through, but didn't feel like because you said "Yes" it's not rape.

There's something called coerced consent and that's still technically classed as rape. You responded to his coercion out of guilt and the fact that you were in pain and also verbally informed him of such, yet he chose to ignore would further class it as rape.

(Original post by ProRoadman)
Well this was certainly something. In short l: you were raped. Asssuming this is not a troll, cut all contact and report him to the police. Block him on all social media and block his phone number.
Do this.
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Ninja Squirrel
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This isn't rape, he didn't force you to do it and you said yes. Slapping you in the face is assault though so that's not ok.

I'm sorry you had a bad first experience but how is he ever meant to know you don't want to do it if you don't say something? Or at least try to get him to stop?

There may be some case to be made that you felt scared to say no but if he wasn't threatening you or using violence then you should have said no... Instead you went along with it, hesitantly but still willingly.
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yudothis
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(Original post by Baghini)
I was 16. He was 18. I had literally never done anything with a guy before, not even kissed or held hands. I wish he would've taken it more slowly. He was my boyfriend of 2 years, we met online and he traveled to visit me. Everything was fine and happy until he kissed me. We were in some kind of secluded forest area. He carried me and lifted me up and put me down on the ground. And then he like hovered over me to "give me a massage" I felt really scared and hated it.

So the next day I was going to pick him up outside of his hotel. I also wanted to tell him that I thought we should take things more slowly. He said we should talk about it inside his hotel room instead so he told me to follow him there. I was so scared and devastated, I'd been crying all night doubting our relationship and if I really wanted to be with him. Once I'm his hotel room, j completely broke down. I was crying and hyperventilating and telling him we should be friends and not do this.

I was a mess. He put me on his bed and in his lap and said he was gonna heal me from my sorrow and then he began touching me. I should have stopped him. But instead I said yes. He was so sad. I didn't want to hurt him, so I said yes to having sex out of guilt. I wasn't in the right state of mind, I had stopped crying but I was numb. My eyes were closed or half closed the whole time, I didn't dare open them. It hurt so ****ing much. I told him over and over "ow ow ow" it hurts it hurts it hurts, and squirmed so he'd stop doing it so roughly. He didn't use a condom, nothing was planned, he called me a whore and hit my face
Yes you were.

"He was so sad. I didn't want to hurt him, so I said yes to having sex out of guilt." - Classic gaslighting and manipulation.

"he called me a whore and hit my face" - um okay, he sounds violent as well.
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yudothis
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(Original post by Ninja Squirrel)
This isn't rape, he didn't force you to do it and you said yes. Slapping you in the face is assault though so that's not ok.

I'm sorry you had a bad first experience but how is he ever meant to know you don't want to do it if you don't say something? Or at least try to get him to stop?

There may be some case to be made that you felt scared to say no but if he wasn't threatening you or using violence then you should have said no... Instead you went along with it, hesitantly but still willingly.
It's coerced consent. It was rape.
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Ninja Squirrel
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(Original post by yudothis)
It's coerced consent. It was rape.
Persuading someone to have sex with you isn't rape. Many first timers feel nervous and anxious about it but their partners convince them or persuade them into it. Rape is thrown about far too loosely these days.

Also coercion is the wrong word because this implies threats or intimidation were involved.
Last edited by Ninja Squirrel; 4 months ago
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bones-mccoy
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What an absolute piece of trash. He manipulated a young, distressed girl into having sex with him whilst she was in a vulnerable state and that is deplorable. It takes a real piece of **** to dismiss someone's feelings and pressure them into doing something they clearly aren't in the mood for, especially when they'd said, face to face, that they only want to be friends.

If you don't want to tell anyone, that's okay, but there are people out there who you can speak to, who won't judge you and keep everything confidential. There are plenty of online resources if you search on Google so you don't even have to speak to someone physically. Did you take the morning after pill? if not, you need to take a pregnancy test just to rule out the worst.
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