Mental health in the gay community – my experience

Repped! Not because I'm happy that you're unhappy, but because I think it's great to see someone talking openly on TSR about their struggles with regard to these particular issues

It sounds very difficult for you, feeling that you're not getting/experiencing stuff that's meaningful, and that you don't feel able to talk to your parents openly about this. Can empathise to an extent (my dad has no idea about my sexuality and I don't plan on him ever finding out!)

Hahaha thank you very much! Honestly I hope you can muster up the courage to say something to your dad!

Mental health in the gay community – my experience

I’m posting this because I feel like this isn’t talked about anywhere near as enough – and what is talked about is mainly the coming out stage. It goes far beyond that. A lot at the moment is going on for pride/LGBT stuff and also mental health awareness. I really hope this thread becomes an open conversation for people with similar experiences, and if you are experiencing it you’re not alone. I am also posting this not anonymously, even though I’m still going through a rough patch – not for attention, but because I feel like it coming from a (perhaps, lol) recognisable user it helps give people the confidence to get talking.

A lot of people say that once you ‘come out’ of the closet you should feel free, accepting of yourself and eager for the opportunities that can be finally be realised. To an extent this is true – if you play your cards right and are met with a healthy dose of luck.

I’ve been struggling with my sexuality since I was very young, probably 11, but at the time it didn’t matter. Relationships didn’t matter and having someone to share your life with simply wasn’t required. Admittedly both can be true now, but in many minds, I disagree. However between that age and 18 I watched gay porn, never had a girlfriend and kept all of my feelings to myself. The latter was probably the worst thing I have done and has probably scarred me for life. Being unable to talk to anyone about what goes on in my head ate away at me, while there’ the stress of school and trying to fit in, really made me almost feel insane. To make matters worse, I had to present myself as an extremely happy guy who enjoys life to the fullest, in order to not be questioned.

All while that was going on, in the past few years especially I have been comparing myself to others and realising what I possible could not. The most obvious one is that of a ‘normal’ family and the journey towards that. I would not have a wife and thus most likely not have my own kids. I would not be ‘bringing a girl home’ to see my parents and also my beloved grandparents. During family gatherings I would appear as the outcast, although ironically within me I knewI was the outcast. I would not have received any homophobic abuse, or even any nastiness from them – or anyone for that matter – but I didn’t want to be different.

Then university came around and at this point, it would be a great time to come to terms with my sexuality. I would know no one, almost everyone is very liberal about everything and I could essentially ‘reinvent’ myself. But I decided to do the complete opposite and I do not know why. I would pull girls in clubs, have sex, go on dates with a fair number of girls – it felt good. But deep down I knew this wasn’t right and I also knew it would hit me back later. Many nights were spent me crying myself to sleep and by the summer term I felt like I dug myself a massive hole, I had created this image of myself that wasn’t really me. I was having fun but I wasn’t me.

During the summer term I essentially snapped and downloaded Grindr and hooked up with a guy for the second time (not going to mention the first because it’s basically irrelevant and uneventful). It felt good, liberating even and although they guy I was with wasn’t my type whatsoever I didn’t really care – the outcome was good. Then a week later exams finished, and me and my closest friends went on a pub crawl. 12 pubs and on the 12^thI – unexpectedly – came out to my closest friend and probably the closest and most important friend that I will ever meet in my life. This bit is probably the most uplifting bit of my journey so far, because I am so grateful that I made a friend that I could finally be true to myself with. I then slowly told the rest of my friends at uni and everything was great. I was finally hooking up with guys, spooning with them and matching with loads on Tinder (and having great chats!).

A month and a half has now passed since I came out, and while there was a period of elation – it has been followed by my increasingly worse mental health. There is very rarely anything in the hook-ups and while I’m going at it – it feels great – afterwards I’m just as lonely as before, and feel even more empty. Sex doesn’t feel special anymore and I base my happiness/self-worth on my ability to have a quick hook-up. Furthermore most don’t want to try something else with a guy other than sex. With Tinder I may be matching with all these people, and even having quite nice conversations. But these people are at least 50km away and also talking to loads of other people. It’s all fake and meaningless, we will both forget each other in the morning. Both myself and every other guy in the gay community is just as lonely and as isolated before. In fact both feelings have been very much accentuated and worsened since coming out. Before I may have felt lonely – but that was because I wasn’t living the life I wanted. Now I am living the life, I still do not have anything meaningful there and therefore feel even worse.

Now I’m back from uni I truly have never felt more alone. I haven’t come out to my parents yet, but I have to everyone else back home – mainly because I will ifI get a boyfriend. So now when I’m here I feel like I’m leading two different lives. Again trying not to slip on anything to tell my parents, but also trying to talk to guys to find the right guy. The worse thing is I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this, I want to talk to my parents about it but I have never opened up to them this much – not only to tell them I’m gay but also depressed and lonely.

I am a 6ft, fairly well-built guy, who is intelligent, funny and also ambitious. Hopefully you just need to read through my previous posts and if you know me personally hopefully you realise this is the truth. But I just feel like I will never be worth the time and energy of someone else. I try to put myself out there - and I do get stuff back – but nothing meaningful. I’m not here to find ‘the one’, simply because that takes time. But I just want to find someone to spend time with, share memories and be intimate with – especially as I have accepted myself for who I am and have an environment to do so in at uni. But nothing is happening and I feel myself sliding deeper into just going for quick gratification, when I cannot even try for something real.

Gay relationships are rarely ever meaningful - from my experience. I don't know why, but they just don't work long term most of the time. Or they are just based on sex/money/mutual convenience. I think it's because most men are less emotional than women.

This does not represent the relationship that I'm in.

Gay relationships are rarely ever meaningful - from my experience. I don't know why, but they just don't work long term most of the time. Or they are just based on sex/money/mutual convenience. I think it's because most men are less emotional than women.

You can't just conclude that men are less emotional than women based off a few experiences you had.

It's not my fault that most gay relationships are like that, is it?

Gay relationships are rarely ever meaningful - from my experience. I don't know why, but they just don't work long term most of the time. Or they are just based on sex/money/mutual convenience. I think it's because most men are less emotional than women.

Gay relationships are rarely ever meaningful - from my experience. I don't know why, but they just don't work long term most of the time. Or they are just based on sex/money/mutual convenience. I think it's because most men are less emotional than women.

Gay relationships are rarely ever meaningful - from my experience. I don't know why, but they just don't work long term most of time. Or they are just based on sex/money/mutual convenience. I think it's because most men are less emotional than women.

This is true. As an unemotional lesbian, this is also sort of why none of my relationships works out-- because women are too emotional for me. I honestly wish I'd been born straight because I cannot deal with female clinginess or romanticism. Maybe it's because I was abused as a child, but whenever a girl wants emotional intimacy it's a huge turn off for me and I just ghost them.

@jamestg


Not being out to your parents is a draining experience. I'm still not out to my parents at 24 and every time I come home I feel like an imposter because they think I'm one thing but I'm another. Nothing more soul-crushing than that. Also, at your age, queer relationships are often short-lived and shallow because most of us haven't been able to date or have relationships before uni (unlike our straight peers) so we haven't developed as much relationship experience or emotional maturity.

Is that one's you're in "don't work long term.most of the time" ? - Since you said "from my experience"

There are many happy (and meaningful) gay relationships out there. It's a shame if you haven't found one yet but it's not entirely fair to sweep them all under the same brush.