Is she the reason?

Hey guys. Just been on my mind, and thought I'd say something, as it's anonymous.

Basically... when I was 6/7, my sister (she was 10/11) used to pretend she was different people for my entertainment, things like that. It was a lot of fun... until she decided to pretend she was a boy called "John" and told me that he was my boyfriend.

I was really gullible as a kid, let's get this straight - as in, REALLY gullible. I trusted everyone to tell me the right thing, and didn't really understand why I shouldn't. So she pretended to be this guy and well, that was fine.

Up until she decided to come onto my bed every night, naked, and convince me to take off my pyjama's too. Then she would proceed to convince me to kiss her and touch her.

It's pretty hard thinking about it, actually. Makes me feel dirty as hell, knowing I let my sister convince me to do things like that. I get really angry at myself for being so stupid.

Thing is, I don't want therapy. I don't want to talk it out with a counsellor. There's no point. However, the results, as I realised what had happened as I got older, have been messy; I've been with a few people, good relationships, and it was only a few weeks ago that my fiance could bring me to orgasm.

It was bad to the point that, when he first tried to touch me properly at the beginning of our relationship, finger me, I would start crying and wouldn't be able to carry on - with no idea why. My girlfriend before that wasn't even allowed to look at my bare body or touch me properly until almost a year into our relationship, despite the fact that I'd done everything to her, very happily.

I don't know... you hear about repressed memories and how it stops you from doing things and... well, do you think that's why I find it so hard to orgasm? It gets to a point where I just start feeling completely dead, as if I'm numbing myself - despite feeling rapturous only moments before.

Also, there are times when I'm with peole I trust and love, when suddenly this feeling of complete vulnerability washes over me, so bad that I freeze up and can't look anyone in the eye because I feel so dirty, feel like something is going to happen.

Wow, this is a load of babble... I'm so sorry... well, if anyone had got this far, thanks for reading. I just... hate these little things that get in the way. I love my fiance so much, I've never been so happy in a relationship in my life - and when he gave me an orgasm, it was so happy and found it such a turn on... I just have such a barrier that comes up. At times, even now, I start crying when he fingers me. I can't seem to stop myself, when it starts.

*sigh* God, I'm rambling. I'm so sorry...

Reply 1

dh00001

im very sorry for what youve been through. its in no way your fault, you were young, you didnt know any different.
i would say its perfectly plausable that this may be why you have difficulties in sexual situations.
you say you dont want to talk to any one, but honestly i think its the best course of action for you. noone will judge you but they will help you.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I know they won't judge me. Or at least, my head tells me I know that. I just... dirty! I feel so ****ing dirty and it's awful.

Reply 3

BellaNotte

Anonymous

I know they won't judge me. Or at least, my head tells me I know that. I just... dirty! I feel so ****ing dirty and it's awful.

There's no reason for you to feel like that, it's not your fault at all and i can imagine its a very hard thing to try to get over. Have you told your fiance about this?

Reply 4

randdom

This is an awful thing to have happened to you. I know you say that you don't want to talk about it but it really could help. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your current councilor about it or anyone that you know in person then there are help lines out there where you can call them up and talk about what happened anonymously.

You did nothing wrong you were just a child and you didn't know what you were doing. Talk about it will hopefully help you get over what happened and while nothing can change it hopefully it will allow you to move on with your life.