Slept with someone while split from my boyfriend and lied...

Some background:

The ‘boyfriend’ I refer to is someone with which I’ve been involved for quite a while now. We were in an official relationship for a year (2015-2016), and then broke up, but remained in a sort of friends-with-benefits type of arrangement. We saw each other all the time, spoke every minute of every day. I stayed over at his constantly. It was as though we had never broken up.

It’s confusing to explain, please bear with.

Anyway. This boy and I remained close. Best of friends. I felt as though he was the only person I could really be myself around. I felt so comfortable with him. I did honestly love him.

But he didn’t feel the same, and was always quick to remind me of that. He also became involved with multiple girls while we were still involved. Though he never slept with them, he still kissed them and performed other sexual acts with some of them. And that utterly broke my heart. I still loved this boy, but I knew that regardless of how our relationship seemed - the bottom line was that we weren’t together. I did get annoyed at him over it, it was wearing down severely on my feeling of self worth and self esteem, but I stayed with him. He hasn’t brief spells with these girls but always came back to me and told me that he wanted me - which of course was everything I wanted to hear and believe.

That was until October last year, when there was a major fight that resulted from him kissing one of his girls at her party. Someone I thought was a friend. Nothing was really the same after that. And in January of this year, I finally properly left him, to protect myself from getting hurt any more.

But of course, I’d just left someone who had been my entire world and that I loved wholeheartedly. It felt like I’d been thrown into a foreign place without him. I was hurt and angry. I felt so insecure and unwanted. I hated him for driving me to leaving with how he’d treated me. As a result of that toxic mix of feelings, I acted out. I ended up talking to his best friend around 3 weeks after leaving, who was part of my new friend group (me and this boy went to separate schools). I didn’t even consider their friendship, which was so utterly selfish. I then slept with the friend - but it was a one time thing, that I actually stopped during it, and immediately left afterwards. I knew it was wrong and I couldn’t get my ex out of my head - no matter how badly I wanted those feelings to go away. This friend gave me attention, called me attractive, and in my self hating state I fed into that and sent ‘pictures’. I eventually completely cut communication with this friend after about a week and a half, knowing what I was doing was unfair and cruel, it was wrong, and I regretted it so severely.

In the 6 months we were apart since that period, I occasionally messaged my ex. And he of course asked if anything had ‘happened’ between me and the friend.

And I lied. I told him nothing had.

I lied because I knew that I still wanted my ex. That was all the mistake I’d made in speaking to the friend had come to teach me. I knew that I wanted to try and reconcile things with him, and I knew that had I told him the truth - he would never take me back. I was terrified and ashamed and so full of regret over what I did.

We eventually got back together in May. But it wasn’t long before he discovered the explicit content i’d sent to the friend on my phone. We argued about it then. And he asked again had anything more happened. I stupidly insisted that was all that happened. I kept up the lie.

I loved this boy. And the longer we remained the together and the happier we were, the worse it became. I knew I should tell him what went on, but I was at war with the fact that I knew telling him would result in him leaving. And after so long of wanting him to want me back... he finally did. I couldn’t lose that.

He kept asking the same question, and I kept lying. I kept hiding it.

Until last week he went to the party of one of the girls he’d been previously involved with. The one that he kissed, the time that we had our major argument that led to everything changing and me ultimately leaving. There was mutual friends at that party. One of which was a girl I had confided in while separated from him. One I had stupidly *****ed to out of anger about him. One I had told that I’d slept with the friend.

She got drunk, and ultimately told the boy what had happened. She told him I slept with the friend. He called me, grilled me to answer. At first I kept denying it, and then I admitted to it.

He was quite rightly enraged over it. He blocked me on everything and told me he wanted nothing to do with me. Everything I knew would happen had I told came true.

I’ve spent the past week in utter depression, scouring the Internet for some sort of reassurance or idea of what I can do. I love him, I absolutely do. I knew the lying was wrong, but I knew the truth would hurt him to such an extent that he would be gone. Would never have taken me back. Would have left. And I couldn’t bare that - when after so long of wanting him to want me back, he finally did, and we were happy. I highly regret what I did, to the point I’ve cried myself to sleep over it. I would never do it again. I hate myself for it. I despise myself for lying but I had no idea what else to do.

I’m shattered right now and have no idea what to do. Am I really so horrible for lying to spare his feelings? To allow us to start over again without mistakes i made out of complete anger and upset, when I left, coming back and interfering with our rekindled, happy relationship? To stop him from leaving? I’m completely heartbroken and I can’t reach him at all. I feel like an utterly despicable human being. Am I in the wrong?