How can I stop feeling resentful?Watch
Despite all that though, alongside living with an emotionally abusive father, my mum makes no time for me anymore and hasn't done since her mum got a mental health problem. This was throughout the news that I couldn't have children. This was throughout the time I had a breakdown down the phone asking for help but she was with my gran who magically got 'ill' when she wasn't get my mums full attention and my mum chose to help her and told me to call the doctor.
My mum always acknowledged I was Ill, but that was the end of it. Sort of sweep it under the rug sort of thing and I always just took it that she didn't want to deal with it or just didn't know what to say. When my grandmother was diagnosed though my mum turned her whole life upside down to be there for her every need, despite her having other siblings to deal with things. Even now my mum spends all her time off with her and she constantly talks like this could be her last Christmas etc so all our seasonal holidays are shaped around her and it's been that way for five years now. My gran has everyone running around after her, she goes here there and everywhere and still complains. Meanwhile I'm sat here having left the house 10 times since January, and I just feel like... look right in front of you because the person you're investing all your time into is going to be alive for much longer. How can she not see that?
I just feel like I don't matter at all. That it wasn't a case of not knowing what to say or approach it, or being too busy with work, because if it was why wouldn't it be the same with my gran? I hate that I feel so resentful but I do. I'm angry that I'm just put to the side. I have no friends or life because of not being able to leave the house and my mum knows that but that's that. nothing. My mum was the most devoted mother when I was a child, and the way she is now I do genuinely believe she still thinks she's that person in my life despite the fact that I never get to see her or even have a conversation with her anymore. I can't talk to her about any of this of course. I brought it up a few weeks after that 2016 bad news and she got so defensive like I was being unreasonable and putting too much on her by simply wanting to spend a day a month with her.
I'm sure the automatic response would be for people to say I do matter and I shouldn't feel that I don't, but seriously how could anyone feel like that with all this? I've been so much more loyal and done SO much for my mum, for everyone throughout my whole life, always put myself last, yet my gran was a bad mum and always put herself first yet she's the one with everything and I'm here with nothing.
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore but does anyone know how I can not feel the way I do? I'm happy my gran has support and my mum is now much closer with her, but... well, what I've said above I guess. There nothing to tell me anything other than that I simply don't matter, and never will.