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sexual assault

I went to a party a few months ago with a group of friends from school. there was one boy there that I have known for several years, we'll call him R. all night he was making comments about how I looked 'hot' and about my bum, I felt a bit uncomfortable and tried to just laugh them off. when the party was over alot of people slept round in the living room. i fell asleep on the floor with a duvet over me on my own. I woke up and R had fallen asleep next to me, I thought nothing of it and went back to sleep. I woke up again and R was touching me, he had pulled up my skirt and was rubbing my thighs and bum. I panicked and froze just hoping he would stop but he wouldn't. he tried to put his hand inside my knickers and I pushed it away and pulled my skirt back down. I thought he would stop but I was too scared to go back to sleep or move or even look at him. after a few minutes he started to lift my skirt up again and I pushed his hand away but he tried again and I was so scared. when i knew he wouldn't stop I got up and left the room and went to the kitchen alone and I felt so sick. I just sat there and cried until I fell asleep. the next day everyone stayed to have breakfast. R was laughing and smiling with everyone and I couldn't even look up from my plate.

I told a few friends what happened but they didn't really help, R has always been the joker of the group, nobody takes him seriously. I don't know what to do, I haven't seen him since but I'm so scared for when I do.

sometimes I feel like it was my fault or that I'm overreacting, I never actually said no or told him to stop and all he did was touch me but I can't help that every time I think about how I felt when I woke up to him doing that it makes me feel sick.

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Tell the police
"R" is a sex offender... you must report him for this or he will see it as a green light and progress to more serious assaults. his joker persona is just a facade hiding something dark.
(edited 5 years ago)
Please, please, please go tell the police, end the *******'s life. He's going to try it again with another girl if he gets away with it now. If you feel that he's going to get away with it, ask someone to threaten him.
Original post by Anonymous


I told a few friends what happened but they didn't really help, R has always been the joker of the group, nobody takes him seriously. I don't know what to do, I haven't seen him since but I'm so scared for when I do.


Well they should clearly take this seriously; there's nothing funny about what he did. The fact that you were asleep when he approached you shows culpability on his side... I'm not a lawyer or anything, but IMHO that could-well cross the prison threshold and almost certainly would be enough to put him on the sex-offenders register.

Original post by Anonymous


sometimes I feel like it was my fault or that I'm overreacting, I never actually said no or told him to stop and all he did was touch me but I can't help that every time I think about how I felt when I woke up to him doing that it makes me feel sick.


No, it's not your fault (unless you said something along the lines of "Yes, of course you can touch me up when I'm sparked out", he had no right to touch you like that, and you should not feel guilty. I don't care whether the person actually says "No, stop", you can generally tell when a girl is not into whatever you're doing.

It's up to you if you want to report him (chances are he's done this before, and will do it again unless he's forced to stop somehow). I definitely feel you may need counselling though and I suggest you take it. N.B. If you're in some kind of institution (e.g. school, college, Uni etc.) it'll be free and will help you move on.
Original post by YouMadBro!
Please, please, please go tell the police, end the *******'s life.


how will it end his life? even if he did get a criminal record he can still work, travel, have a gf etc and he probably wouldn't get a prison sentence for this. if it was rape it would be 4 years max (if they can prove it happened). I don't want to put OP off, but you guys are very one-sided. It's good to make a police report, so that that can stack against him in the future if/when other people go to the police, and to tarnish his reputation. But I don't know about expecting to get him prosecuted. it looks like it would be her word against his, and I wouldn't think that is enough to get a criminal record/sentencing.
Reply 6
Original post by snugglebear
how will it end his life? even if he did get a criminal record he can still work, travel, have a gf etc and he probably wouldn't get a prison sentence for this. if it was rape it would be 4 years max (if they can prove it happened). I don't want to put OP off, but you guys are very one-sided. It's good to make a police report, so that that can stack against him in the future if/when other people go to the police, and to tarnish his reputation. But I don't know about expecting to get him prosecuted. it looks like it would be her word against his, and I wouldn't think that is enough to get a criminal record/sentencing.


this is what worries me, i have no proof that this happened and if nothing happens as a result of me reporting him i'll still have to see him at social events etc and i'm scared people will think I'm lying or being a ***** by trying to get him legal trouble. It has been 3 months since it happened too i'm worried i've left it too long now
Reply 7
my ex boyfriend is very good friends with the boy that did this.i dont know whether i should speak to my ex about it because i do still trust him and know that he would believe me. would it help to tell someone who is good friends with R do you think?
Reply 8
I’m not into anyone’s side in this story but to me you made mistakes too. You seemed like you were cooperating first, by giving him “wrong signals” smiles during the party. He won’t know whether u are comfortable or not he’s not a fortune teller. Second we’re u drunk? Was he drunk? To me u sound like someone with very weak personality. Crying won’t help u. Next time use ur words speak to him direct. MAKE IT CLEAR
Please tell the police asap before he does it to someone else. NO IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT I absolutely promise- touching you when you were sleep and then continuing when you pushed his hand (you did say no even if not verbally) away was completely wrong and he knows that
Original post by Flexchm
I’m not into anyone’s side in this story but to me you made mistakes too. You seemed like you were cooperating first, by giving him “wrong signals” smiles during the party. He won’t know whether u are comfortable or not he’s not a fortune teller. Second we’re u drunk? Was he drunk? To me u sound like someone with very weak personality. Crying won’t help u. Next time use ur words speak to him direct. MAKE IT CLEAR


So I'm not supposed to smile at a party? I've known this boy for 6 years and we were meant to be friends, of course, I'm going to smile at him. its a party and I am not at fault for drinking, I had sobered up by the time I went to sleep. being drunk isn't an excuse to sexually assault me. you are blaming the victim as per usual and you are one of the reasons people do not report these sort of things. how can a smile equate to consent in your eyes? of course, I made mistakes, I shouldn't have trusted him not to assault me, I should have read the signals however this is not my fault. surely that should reflect negatively on him and not me? It saddens me that you think it is weak to cry, felt violated, I felt hurt that somebody I thought was my friend had so little respect for me. don't call me weak because you don't have any idea how it feels. you need to change your mindset and realize that women should not have to act in a way so as to avoid being assaulted men should stop assaulting.
While I completely agree that it's important not to be biased and take sides, we are also not trying to throw blame around here. The police are responsible for being impartial and finding out what happened. The OP asked for advice, and based on what they've said they were sexually assaulted. I'm not going to speak for all women but I'm sure there are plenty who would be too scared to speak up. If someone is willing to sexually assault you then who knows what else they may be willing to do if you spoke up. It's perfectly natural to be afraid in this situation and it's not the OPs fault for not speaking up or "making it clear".

There's a difference between being impartial and trying to defend someone by claiming they're not a mind reader, or trying to make the OP think they're at fault. Maybe there is more to this story, but that's for the police to find out. Trying to pass blame onto the OP when you don't have all the information is irresponsible and unhelpful.

I don’t think telling someone to speak up and make it clear is irresponsible & unhelpful. Some people are not good at picking up hints. A simple word is enough & it could save a life.
(edited 2 years ago)
Original post by Flexchm
I’m not into anyone’s side in this story but to me you made mistakes too. You seemed like you were cooperating first, by giving him “wrong signals” smiles during the party. He won’t know whether u are comfortable or not he’s not a fortune teller. Second we’re u drunk? Was he drunk? To me u sound like someone with very weak personality. Crying won’t help u. Next time use ur words speak to him direct. MAKE IT CLEAR

Are you actually serious?! Smiling at someone isn't a f*cking go ahead for anything. Does me smiling at someone politely mean I want to have sex, no it doesn't. Secondly, whether the op was drunk or not, if consent hasn't been given then it is non consensual aka sexual assault. Thirdly, being drunk doesn't excuse him continuing to advance when she has clearly pushed his hand away. 'Weak personality', wow, sh*t like this is why victims are too scared to speak out. 'MAKE IT CLEAR' I'm pretty sure that op pushing his hand away more than once is a strong indication that she does not want it. Please do not try to justify it. Whilst we cannot make a full judgement on it, your comments are unhelpful.
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by Justmac
Are you actually serious?! Smiling at someone isn't a f*cking go ahead for anything. Does me smiling at someone politely mean I want to have sex, no it doesn't. Secondly, whether the op was drunk or not, if consent hasn't been given then it is non consensual aka sexual assault. Thirdly, being drunk doesn't excuse him continuing to advance when she has clearly pushed his hand away. 'Weak personality', wow, sh*t like this is why victims are too scared to speak out. 'MAKE IT CLEAR' I'm pretty sure that op pushing his hand away more than once is a strong indication that she does not want it. Please do not try to justify it. Whilst we cannot make a full judgement on it, your comments are unhelpful.


Hey calm down.. my message is to “speak up”. That’s all
Original post by Flexchm
Hey calm down.. my message is to “speak up”. That’s all


There’s no such a thing as too scared to tell someone not to have sex with u. People like drama & enjoy acting like victims to get the attention they crave for.
Getting drunk then sleeping next to the Man U been smiling too all night & receiving compliments from him AND who is probably was just as drunk. Is like jumping into a lake but not wanting to get wet
Original post by Anonymous


I would report him to the police. To tell you the truth, I doubt that this will go to court - there just isn't enough evidence (unfortunately) but at least if he does something like this again to you or anyone else, the police report can support future claims.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.
It could be; it could not be, if (a) he thought you were not asleep and took (what he believed) to be your not moving his hand as a sign of cooperation or consent and (b) if he thought you were pushing away his hand in a teasing way (might have been words exchanged which made this impression more likely).

It is obviously difficult to give a definitive answer, as you're not going to describe every second of it in perfect detail to us (not enough time in the day and probably don't want to relive it to that degree) and we're missing a second account.

Anxiety -- surely you would not have a fear of him if he did not intentionally try to hurt you, violate you or defile you. In other words, if there were merely miscommunications, you might have no need to be worried for your safety going forwards. You should ask yourself which camp you believe he is in.

Counselling is advisable.
Original post by Flexchm
I’m not into anyone’s side in this story but to me you made mistakes too. You seemed like you were cooperating first, by giving him “wrong signals” smiles during the party. He won’t know whether u are comfortable or not he’s not a fortune teller. Second we’re u drunk? Was he drunk? To me u sound like someone with very weak personality. Crying won’t help u. Next time use ur words speak to him direct. MAKE IT CLEAR


Do you see a resemblance between yourself and J, cherub?
Original post by Notoriety
It could be; it could not be, if (a) he thought you were not asleep and took (what he believed) to be your not moving his hand as a sign of cooperation or consent and (b) if he thought you were pushing away his hand in a teasing way (might have been words exchanged which made this impression more likely).

It is obviously difficult to give a definitive answer, as you're not going to describe every second of it in perfect detail to us (not enough time in the day and probably don't want to relive it to that degree) and we're missing a second account.

Anxiety -- surely you would not have a fear of him if he did not intentionally try to hurt you, violate you or defile you. In other words, if there were merely miscommunications, you might have no need to be worried for your safety going forwards. You should ask yourself which camp you believe he is in.

Counselling is advisable.


Stop talking out of your arse.

It makes absolutely no difference whether “J” (in the most unlikely of circumstances) misinterpreted the OP pushing his hand away. That is nothing to do with the OP.

Sexual offenders use that very same line of reasoning to conduct and justify, their behaviour. And believe it or not, it is irrelevant. Many child sexual offenders trick themselves into believing that the child enjoys the sexual behaviour. Some genuinely believe it. So are you telling me, that because they thought the child enjoyed it, they should be considered less culpable?

You cannot use irrational reasoning to justify sexual assault. And no way in hell, would a rational individual, interpret someone moving their hands away, as a come on.
Especially, when the victim was asleep.

So again, stop talking out your arse, and perhaps try to incorporate more social interaction in your daily life. Because you really don’t have a good grasp on “normal” human behaviour, or perception.
Reply 19
Original post by Flexchm
I’m not into anyone’s side in this story but to me you made mistakes too. You seemed like you were cooperating first, by giving him “wrong signals” smiles during the party. He won’t know whether u are comfortable or not he’s not a fortune teller. Second we’re u drunk? Was he drunk? To me u sound like someone with very weak personality. Crying won’t help u. Next time use ur words speak to him direct. MAKE IT CLEAR


He did it while she was asleep so regardless what was happening earlier he was wrong.

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