Urgent. Am I wrong to do this?

I will explain the background info. Ive recently split from a "seeing" period with my ex (who i was with until 3 months ago) due to stress of exams.

Recently ive had such a bad experience in life. My father commited adultry on my mother and now has left the house to live with this woman and last week i lost my Granpa, a day after my birthday, to cancer. Shes been a real rock to me over the past few days and we have been speaking through txt. And was planning to try again after the exams pass.

Yesterday i got a txt from her saying if i really did miss her and think about her (which i do so badly) i would txt her more often. I carnt deal with all this at the moment so i replied with "im sorry it doesnt seem like it but i do. But please i carnt deal with arguing right now im going through enough, which i can barely handle". And then thats where it all kicked off. She said "how dare I have ago at me, ive been there for you" and i got other messages saying "all i wanted is someone to care about me, ive been crying all night" and i am nearly breaking down in my room at this point.

So i send a final text saying "dont make me feel guilty i carnt deal with this atm, dont contact me again"

Am i in the wrong?

P.s she suffers from clinical depression

Reply 1

glowstix

2

I don't think you are completely in the wrong.
She should realise you need space right now because of what's happened with family, and if she cared about you, she would be ok to give you that space..
The clinical depression makes it harder for you to tell her things straight, but she also needs space because of exams, so it's probably best for both of you.

Reply 2

Aesop

11

There is no 'wrong' or 'right'.
However, in your situation, I would attend to her needs. While you are in equal (if not much more) distress, it won't get any better how it is. If you take some time to talk (in person preferably) to your ex about her problems, you'll find yourself feeling different. It may be because it gives you a chance to escape your grief, or perhaps make you feel more considerate and better as a person (since you are the one to take the initiative, despite overwhelming pain).

Reply 3

Gaylei

13

I think you have done the right thing, when your both feeling down like this you will only argue! you need some one who is a really good friend that needs nothing back from you right now! that at times cane be the difference between friends and girlfirends! at the end of the day you friends dont need you to love them back, you will always be friends! Just take some time to come to terms with whats happened to you and try to fill your life with things you enjoy!

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Aesop, i carnt. We are about 70 miles apart at the moment and i can barely cope with all the stress and depression in my life as it stands, let alone someone elses.

I may sound horrible but i just dont need any of this at the moment. :frown:

Reply 5

Aesop

11

Phone her then and talk to her.
I know you don't think you can cope with someone elses, but that isn't the point. It's about social distraction.

Trust me when I say that depression doesn't get any better when you sit and think about it.

Reply 6

LawGirl 91

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Speaking from experience, you need to put yourself first, if she is a clinic depressive then there is very little you could do in a normal state of mind let alone at this moment in time. Focus on getting past the crap in your life, pass your exams and then if you still find you miss her work on it.

Reply 7

Gaylei

13

91 LawGirl

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Speaking from experience, you need to put yourself first, if she is a clinic depressive then there is very little you could do in a normal state of mind let alone at this moment in time. Focus on getting past the crap in your life, pass your exams and then if you still find you miss her work on it.

well said.

Reply 8

bigforehead

Hey,

Wow thats alot to handle for you all at once. So i can understand the strain you must feel under (last year my parents got divorced, my mum became a lesbian and i had my exams and split with my ex). She also suffered with mild depression and had some self-harm issues.

If shes in despression at the moment theres little you culd have said to make things better in her opinion. Coming from me I think what you have said is fine. I think it was a bit of a cry for attention on her part for you to turn round and say, "yeah i do really care about you, wanna get back together" kind of thing. This, in a bit of a way, has backfired as you said it, but it was a bit double-edged. she instantly went on the defensive.

At the end of the day OP, you have got greater things to be dealing with in your life right now, and do you really want to have to spend time pandering to someones else's needs, when although it may sound selfish you need to concentrate on you at the moment, as without that you'll crack under the strain.

I would just text her saying "im rele sorry but im dealing with alot atm but thank you for being there, i really value your support. but atm i think i need some time to myself to sort my head out. but i rele dont want to lose what we have".

For me that leaves you to get in touch with her when you are feeling less strained but should also rebuff some of her thoughts on the fact that you didnt value her support.

Urgent. Am I wrong to do this?

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