addicted to stalking my ex

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#1
I feel embarrased and slightly ashamed asking this really. I was in a relationship with a girl for well over two years, and we broke up June 22 (she left me for somebody else).

I developed a huge obsession with her new boyfriend (the one she cheated on me with). I kept stalking his youtube channel, facebook, twitter, blog. I was absolutely obsessed with who he was, what he was like. I also keep stalking her, my ex, and her family, keeping tabs on what they're up to and all that.

This sounds so creepy when I say it but actually a lot of it is out of genuine curiosity. There is nothing malicious. I wouldnt hurt them because thats not what Im interested in. Alot of it is shock; I am still in shock from finding out that I was cheated on. I have not stalked either of their accounts for a few days. This is pretty big for me considering I was stalking them daily throughout july and august. Ive only stopped because this is from me forcing myself not to. The temptation just seems to be getting worse and worse. Ive got to the point where Im scared of myself- Do I actually have an addiction, in terms of the clinical sense, and what if I never lose the temptation to stalk them both, or atleast dont lose it for a really long time? What if Im going to be thinking about them for ages and ages? Its like they are in control of my life.

By the way, I have not contacted either of them and they havent to me. I mean nothing to any of them, Ive just become somebody they knew at one point and now dont.

I feel broken and pathetic. Please no judgements. Just really need help before this gets to the point of actual stalking, as in following them, things like that.
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Bio 7
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#2
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#2
I would just leave them be.
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Plantagenet Crown
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#3
Report 3 years ago
#3
This will eventually pass. Help yourself by properly blocking them on all social media platforms. It’ll be tough but it’s for your own good.
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Anonymous #2
#4
Report 3 years ago
#4
Hey, I was in a similar situation two years ago. My ex got a new girlfriend, we were still talking as friends (known each other for around 7 years) and I became obsessed. Constantly stalking both of them on anything, instagram, Spotify, Facebook etc. In the end we stopped talking but I still stalked him for a little bit. It was difficult but the only thing you can really do is block them on everything. It’s hard at first but I’m the long run you’ll feel so much better. Two years later and I hardly think of them.
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Trust Orang
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#5
Report 3 years ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
I feel embarrased and slightly ashamed asking this really. I was in a relationship with a girl for well over two years, and we broke up June 22 (she left me for somebody else).

I developed a huge obsession with her new boyfriend (the one she cheated on me with). I kept stalking his youtube channel, facebook, twitter, blog. I was absolutely obsessed with who he was, what he was like. I also keep stalking her, my ex, and her family, keeping tabs on what they're up to and all that.

This sounds so creepy when I say it but actually a lot of it is out of genuine curiosity. There is nothing malicious. I wouldnt hurt them because thats not what Im interested in. Alot of it is shock; I am still in shock from finding out that I was cheated on. I have not stalked either of their accounts for a few days. This is pretty big for me considering I was stalking them daily throughout july and august. Ive only stopped because this is from me forcing myself not to. The temptation just seems to be getting worse and worse. Ive got to the point where Im scared of myself- Do I actually have an addiction, in terms of the clinical sense, and what if I never lose the temptation to stalk them both, or atleast dont lose it for a really long time? What if Im going to be thinking about them for ages and ages? Its like they are in control of my life.

By the way, I have not contacted either of them and they havent to me. I mean nothing to any of them, Ive just become somebody they knew at one point and now dont.

I feel broken and pathetic. Please no judgements. Just really need help before this gets to the point of actual stalking, as in following them, things like that.
"I was absolutely obsessed with who he was, what he was like. I also keep stalking her, my ex, and her family, keeping tabs on what they're up to and all that." then later you say; "There is nothing malicious. I wouldnt hurt them because thats not what Im interested in. Alot of it is shock; I am still in shock from finding out that I was cheated on."

Makes sense actually, you got blindsided and betrayed. I feel like it would be fair to say you don't want this to happen again? Hm? Given the information you seem to have on the situation, you don't actually have any information you can extract a useful strategy from.

Evolutionary psychology developed "jealousy" specifically to describe the feeling that compels people to protect their reproductive options. You, in this case, obviously did not have a useful strategy. It would be great to find one, but if you don't know why she cheated in any great detail, you can't make sure it never happens again.

I think that perhaps you think that looking at what this guy has that you don't will help you to see how you can improve yourself to even the gap. Something that clicks into place and explains everything clinically. Bam! "That's it, he's really rich and can afford to take her to nicer places.", or "Of course she cheated, he's 6'7", plays bass (the coolest instrument) and looks like that celebrity she has a crush on." it's nothing personal.

In the psychodynamic tradition, we might describe this line of thought as "over-intellectualisation". You can avoid feeling hurt by looking at it like a rational algebra question. "If I have A, but GF has B and other guy has C, calculate the value of C" - makes it sound like something to be solved and not a soul-crushing act of disrespect, doesn't it?

"Its like they are in control of my life." - Yes, in some sense they are, but you're using them as a device to obscure your personal growth. To overcome it, you'll have to really face the emotional reality of her betrayal. That is far more frightening than thinking that there is a nice neat answer somewhere on her facebook page. But there is no answer, and so you keep digging more desperately looking for some illusory panacea.

"What if Im going to be thinking about them for ages and ages?" - You'll think about them as long as it takes you to face the horrific truth that you may never make sense of why this happened. There is no poetic vindication or "closure" with which to tie up the loose ends. It's not your fault, it's not because your ex's BF has a quantifiable advantage in the dating game. It's because you did everything you could, and it turns out that either life, or your ex, is a *****, but probably both. This is upsetting, allow yourself to be upset.

I think you've also denied (conciously or unconciously) the possibility that your ex-gf could be at fault. Hence the focus on the new BF as opposed to (understandably) hating her for what she did to you, and she did choose to do that to you. This is a nice thing to think for you, because if you take her agency out of the equation, it means she did not at some point decide that she would cheat on you. She didn't think; "ah I have a BF, but I want to **** this guy so much I don't care about him." - or some variation which is what she would have to have thought before making the decision to cheat. It's fair that you don't want to blame her if you felt very close to her at one point, but it doesn't make her a better person because she is evidently a person who cheats.

Reflect on your emotions without dissecting them with logic. If you are brave enough, this is the way to absorb the event into your personal history. It won't be a puzzle in the way of your life, it will be a puzzle piece that adds to you and lets you integrate other, happier things.

Or you could drink a lot, idk do whatever I don't care.
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Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#6
(Original post by Bio 7)
To me it looks like you are already stalking them, just leave them be. Would you be happy if your ex did this to you?
"Just leave them be" Yes, I am trying for goodness sake. Why do you think I made this thread? I am so addicted I dont know HOW to let them be and am looking for help.
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey, I was in a similar situation two years ago. My ex got a new girlfriend, we were still talking as friends (known each other for around 7 years) and I became obsessed. Constantly stalking both of them on anything, instagram, Spotify, Facebook etc. In the end we stopped talking but I still stalked him for a little bit. It was difficult but the only thing you can really do is block them on everything. It’s hard at first but I’m the long run you’ll feel so much better. Two years later and I hardly think of them.
When you blocked them, what happened? Did you just stop yourself from unblocking them by willpower and eventually they faded from your mind? Because I have blocked them a few days ago and havent looked since, and its like they are even bigger in my mind.
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jdijx
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#8
Report 3 years ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey, I was in a similar situation two years ago. My ex got a new girlfriend, we were still talking as friends (known each other for around 7 years) and I became obsessed. Constantly stalking both of them on anything, instagram, Spotify, Facebook etc. In the end we stopped talking but I still stalked him for a little bit. It was difficult but the only thing you can really do is block them on everything. It’s hard at first but I’m the long run you’ll feel so much better. Two years later and I hardly think of them.
Spotify geeeez ! :laugh:
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#9
(Original post by Trust Orang)
"I was absolutely obsessed with who he was, what he was like. I also keep stalking her, my ex, and her family, keeping tabs on what they're up to and all that." then later you say; "There is nothing malicious. I wouldnt hurt them because thats not what Im interested in. Alot of it is shock; I am still in shock from finding out that I was cheated on."

Makes sense actually, you got blindsided and betrayed. I feel like it would be fair to say you don't want this to happen again? Hm? Given the information you seem to have on the situation, you don't actually have any information you can extract a useful strategy from.

Evolutionary psychology developed "jealousy" specifically to describe the feeling that compels people to protect their reproductive options. You, in this case, obviously did not have a useful strategy. It would be great to find one, but if you don't know why she cheated in any great detail, you can't make sure it never happens again.

I think that perhaps you think that looking at what this guy has that you don't will help you to see how you can improve yourself to even the gap. Something that clicks into place and explains everything clinically. Bam! "That's it, he's really rich and can afford to take her to nicer places.", or "Of course she cheated, he's 6'7", plays bass (the coolest instrument) and looks like that celebrity she has a crush on." it's nothing personal.

In the psychodynamic tradition, we might describe this line of thought as "over-intellectualisation". You can avoid feeling hurt by looking at it like a rational algebra question. "If I have A, but GF has B and other guy has C, calculate the value of C" - makes it sound like something to be solved and not a soul-crushing act of disrespect, doesn't it?

"Its like they are in control of my life." - Yes, in some sense they are, but you're using them as a device to obscure your personal growth. To overcome it, you'll have to really face the emotional reality of her betrayal. That is far more frightening than thinking that there is a nice neat answer somewhere on her facebook page. But there is no answer, and so you keep digging more desperately looking for some illusory panacea.

"What if Im going to be thinking about them for ages and ages?" - You'll think about them as long as it takes you to face the horrific truth that you may never make sense of why this happened. There is no poetic vindication or "closure" with which to tie up the loose ends. It's not your fault, it's not because your ex's BF has a quantifiable advantage in the dating game. It's because you did everything you could, and it turns out that either life, or your ex, is a *****, but probably both. This is upsetting, allow yourself to be upset.

I think you've also denied (conciously or unconciously) the possibility that your ex-gf could be at fault. Hence the focus on the new BF as opposed to (understandably) hating her for what she did to you, and she did choose to do that to you. This is a nice thing to think for you, because if you take her agency out of the equation, it means she did not at some point decide that she would cheat on you. She didn't think; "ah I have a BF, but I want to **** this guy so much I don't care about him." - or some variation which is what she would have to have thought before making the decision to cheat. It's fair that you don't want to blame her if you felt very close to her at one point, but it doesn't make her a better person because she is evidently a person who cheats.

Reflect on your emotions without dissecting them with logic. If you are brave enough, this is the way to absorb the event into your personal history. It won't be a puzzle in the way of your life, it will be a puzzle piece that adds to you and lets you integrate other, happier things.

Or you could drink a lot, idk do whatever I don't care.

Wow, thank you, I wasn't expected such a profound and well though answer. Clearly you know a lot more about psychology than I do.

When you said about denial, yeah I think I have denied her wrong come to think of it. Maybe thats why Im obsessed with her new boyfriend so much. I feel so s*it about myself Im looking at him to see how he did any better, maybe he has a part in him that Im missing.
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Trust Orang
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
Wow, thank you, I wasn't expected such a profound and well though answer. Clearly you know a lot more about psychology than I do.

When you said about denial, yeah I think I have denied her wrong come to think of it. Maybe thats why Im obsessed with her new boyfriend so much. I feel so s*it about myself Im looking at him to see how he did any better, maybe he has a part in him that Im missing.
"I feel so s*it about myself Im looking at him to see how he did any better, maybe he has a part in him that Im missing." - Your GF decided to cheat on you, it had less to do with him "doing better" and more to do with her deciding to cheat on you.

You should feel bad, it's a bad thing. Thinking about it emotionally will allow you to explore it without tasking yourself with finding an impossible answer as to "just why?".

Having said that, there is no magic pill. You will earn your freedom from her betrayal by wading through all the misery you've been running from. Maybe you'll feel so angry you'll use it to workout and manifest your fight in a physical transformation, or maybe you'll take up a new hobby and purge yourself through "ritual", you could try something expressive and design an object of cathexis. Just do something other than trying to rationalise something obviously irrational.
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Anonymous #2
#11
Report 3 years ago
#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
When you blocked them, what happened? Did you just stop yourself from unblocking them by willpower and eventually they faded from your mind? Because I have blocked them a few days ago and havent looked since, and its like they are even bigger in my mind.
It took a while, I blocked and unblocked them a lot, at the moment they’re unblocked and I haven’t looked at either of them for like two months (I was friends with him for 7 years it’s hard not to check that he’s okay but it’s not obsessive anymore). They will be on your mind but it takes time, try to keep busy. If I hadn’t of blocked them I’d still be obsessed now, I wouldn’t have had the relationships I’d have had now, use it as motivation I guess.
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Anonymous #2
#12
Report 3 years ago
#12
(Original post by jdijx)
Spotify geeeez ! :laugh:
I know right 😂😂 I look back now and can laugh but it was awful at the time haha
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sandytablet
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#13
Report 3 years ago
#13
I find things like this so fascinating for some reason; it's quite scary how preoccupied one can be with a certain thing.

I'm sorry you feel this way and I understand what you mean about being "scared of yourself". The solution is the same as it is with all addictions, however; gradually cut it out of your life. Slamming your phone down and telling yourself that you aren't allowed to look at their profiles or whatnot is a tremendously hard task considering that you've done it continuously over the past months, but with this, I'm not telling you to go back onto their profiles and look.

You'll be curious about what they're doing, and that's okay. Check if you absolutely are breaking down over it, but limit yourself. Take up a hobby or preoccupy your thoughts.

Come to terms with the fact that you are a better person than her and him since they both were involved in the affair, and hence were both involved in breaking your heart and causing you a lot of hurt. Realize how beautiful you are.

Hope you feel better soon!
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