How to make friends with a flatmate who doesn't seem to be interested? Watch

DrawTheLine
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I'm living in a house with 3 girls. 2 I already knew because they're on my course and the 3rd is a friend of one of the girls.

The 3 of us (me and the 2 girls I knew) all moved in over a week ago so we've settled well together. The last girl moved in Sunday afternoon but it's been difficult to make friends with her.

She spends a lot of time in her room. And when she's in the communal areas she doesn't talk much or seem to be bothered about interacting with us.

We try asking her questions and inviting her to join us in the living room in the evenings when we're watching tv or just chatting. She joins us but spends it isolated on the side on her phone not talking to us hardly at all.

When the film ended last night she just got up and went to her room without saying anything. And I've come back from town this morning to my other flatmate saying she's gone away for the week to stay with her boyfriend. She didn't tell any of us this except for her friend and we're kind of annoyed. She's been here 2 nights and hasn't made an effort to get to know us when we have with her.

I know she's probably a bit shy because she doesn't know us but the way to get to know us is to spend time with us and be social, instead of leaving for a week.

I don't want it to be like this all year. How can I make friends with her when she responds with one word answers to questions and doesn't join us in communal areas?
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have
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
I'm living in a house with 3 girls. 2 I already knew because they're on my course and the 3rd is a friend of one of the girls.

The 3 of us (me and the 2 girls I knew) all moved in over a week ago so we've settled well together. The last girl moved in Sunday afternoon but it's been difficult to make friends with her.

She spends a lot of time in her room. And when she's in the communal areas she doesn't talk much or seem to be bothered about interacting with us.

We try asking her questions and inviting her to join us in the living room in the evenings when we're watching tv or just chatting. She joins us but spends it isolated on the side on her phone not talking to us hardly at all.

When the film ended last night she just got up and went to her room without saying anything. And I've come back from town this morning to my other flatmate saying she's gone away for the week to stay with her boyfriend. She didn't tell any of us this except for her friend and we're kind of annoyed. She's been here 2 nights and hasn't made an effort to get to know us when we have with her.

I know she's probably a bit shy because she doesn't know us but the way to get to know us is to spend time with us and be social, instead of leaving for a week.

I don't want it to be like this all year. How can I make friends with her when she responds with one word answers to questions and doesn't join us in communal areas?
Leave her alone lmao. You have enough people to talk to.
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by have)
Leave her alone lmao. You have enough people to talk to.
So I'm supposed to just not talk to someone I'm sharing a house with?
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have
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
So I'm supposed to just not talk to someone I'm sharing a house with?
Nothings forcing you to. I don't know why you think its a big deal. Believe it or not, some people just want to do stuff on their own.
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by have)
Nothings forcing you to. I don't know why you think its a big deal. Believe it or not, some people just want to do stuff on their own.
Because she says she wants to join us in the living room to chat but then she makes no effort to involve herself. I understand wanting to do her own thing but why say she wants to spend time with us but then not actually socialise?
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Hali.Hassan
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
So I'm supposed to just not talk to someone I'm sharing a house with?
well no, but maybe you could just keep it short. like Hi-Hey/how are you kinda thing. she obviously doesn't seem to be a social person but she'll come around. Hopefully.
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have
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
Because she says she wants to join us in the living room to chat but then she makes no effort to involve herself. I understand wanting to do her own thing but why say she wants to spend time with us but then not actually socialise?
based on your post, probably because she feels pressured by you/others to join in on the social activies that she doesn't really want to do
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by Hali.Hassan)
well no, but maybe you could just keep it short. like Hi-Hey/how are you kinda thing. she obviously doesn't seem to be a social person but she'll come around. Hopefully.
That's what we do currently. We try asking her questions to get to know her and make her feel involved and settled but she gives very short answers that we can't work with. It's just awkward.
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by have)
based on your post, probably because she feels pressured by you/others to join in on the social activies that she doesn't really want to do
It's not pressuring to say "we're watching a film come join if you want". We don't continually ask her to. It's an open invitation, we tell her once that we're in the living room and she can join if she wants and then leave it at that. So she chooses to join us but then not involve herself with us which I find strange.
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have
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
It's not pressuring to say "we're watching a film come join if you want". We don't continually ask her to. It's an open invitation, we tell her once that we're in the living room and she can join if she wants and then leave it at that. So she chooses to join us but then not involve herself with us which I find strange.
idk, that's just how I read the situation
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by have)
idk, that's just how I read the situation
So how would you deal with it based on knowing we aren't pressuring her?
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have
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
So how would you deal with it based on knowing we aren't pressuring her?
Maybe you aren't pressuring her, but she probably has her own pressure in her head of what she is expected to do.
I think my original point is still just to let her be, it's not like she's disturbing you, even if it's a bit awkward. Eventually she'll probably come out of her shell a bit more. Some people aren't just friendly with people they immediately meet.
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tashkent46
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Perhaps she has personal issues and doesn't want to bond with other people, probably not made any better by the fact you seem so hard on her for not participating...

I had quite a few flatmates but didn't bother with any of them, though they were quite decent, because I was severely depressed. Hearing them gossip about me when they thought I was out really didn't help in the slightest. Just because someone seems shy and quiet does not mean they have no interest in you, they may just be more interested in themselves due to issues.
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Muttley79
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
So how would you deal with it based on knowing we aren't pressuring her?
It's early days - the four of you know each other and she's the 'odd one out' at the moment. She's probably missing her boyfriend and needs space to know you all a bit more. Give her time - don't ask questions but keep inviting her to join you in doing things
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alws
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
So how would you deal with it based on knowing we aren't pressuring her?
She sounds very shy. I think she just joins you when you invite her to be polite.
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by have)
Maybe you aren't pressuring her, but she probably has her own pressure in her head of what she is expected to do.
I think my original point is still just to let her be, it's not like she's disturbing you, even if it's a bit awkward. Eventually she'll probably come out of her shell a bit more. Some people aren't just friendly with people they immediately meet.
Yeah I think so too, it'll just be harder for her to come out of her shell when she's planning on going to her boyfriend's most weeks. So we can't even spend much time with her.
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Notoriety
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When she was texting on the phone, no doubt it was to her BF. Now she's run off to him.

Obviously she is a wee bit depressed in the setting she is currently in, probably just because of life, and she's sought out her safety net. I wouldn't take it personally and I am sure there are plenty of people like her.

People normally ease into new situations they find difficult. Give it time.
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tashkent46
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
So how would you deal with it based on knowing we aren't pressuring her?
Might I add, I went through a point where I avoided social interaction because it just made me feel more alone - the only thing more depressing than having no one in your life is being surrounded by so many people but not being able to feel like there's any common bond.

Sometimes it isn't personal.
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uwotuwot
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(Original post by DrawTheLine)
It's not pressuring to say "we're watching a film come join if you want". We don't continually ask her to. It's an open invitation, we tell her once that we're in the living room and she can join if she wants and then leave it at that. So she chooses to join us but then not involve herself with us which I find strange.
Presumably this is your first week of university, give her time to adjust - she could just be feeling homesick, esp. if she's gone to visit her boyfriend for the week. She clearly does want to socialise on some level, but may not currently feel able to.

Unfortunately, you won't always get on with everyone you live with. She may become more social and interact with you all, she may decide she doesn't like you and doesn't want to interact (or viceversa), or she may just continue as she is - and that's fine. Just continue as you are for now, time will decide for you
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by tashkent46)
Perhaps she has personal issues and doesn't want to bond with other people, probably not made any better by the fact you seem so hard on her for not participating...

I had quite a few flatmates but didn't bother with any of them, though they were quite decent, because I was severely depressed. Hearing them gossip about me when they thought I was out really didn't help in the slightest. Just because someone seems shy and quiet does not mean they have no interest in you, they may just be more interested in themselves due to issues.
We don't make her feel bad for not joining in. When she's in the room with us we have conversations but they never go far. We're just concerned about why she doesn't seem bothered about getting to know us.

We don't gossip about her either, nobody does. Gossiping is pretty rubbish. We're just concerned that she's distancing herself from us.

(Original post by Muttley79)
It's early days - the four of you know each other and she's the 'odd one out' at the moment. She's probably missing her boyfriend and needs space to know you all a bit more. Give her time - don't ask questions but keep inviting her to join you in doing things
She's friends with one of the girls already and we have met her before just never really gotten to know her. We try not to ask too many questions but then just general conversation doesn't last. It just feels awkward and I'm worried she feels isolated because the 3 of us are chatting and she's just there, not talking.
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