So, I have a bit of a situation and I just really need some help and support through it. for context, I've recently graduated from a good London university with a good degree and I am south asian Muslim girl.
Three years ago when I started uni, I didn't really have the intention at all of finding someone/anyone at university - but more uni and my degree was something both myself and my parents expected me to do. My first year wasn't great, academically or in terms of friendships, and I found myself making friendships of convenience - ending up with me going clubbing, hanging out with people in not necessarily halal environments (student union bars) and basically just doing what I felt I needed to do to fit in. I come into second year, a lot better established in terms of friends, after older students took me under their wing. They introduced me to a guy who had been quite active in the students union and in particular in student union elections, and this is where this story actually starts.
At first, I wasn't really attracted to this guy, but the more I got to know him, the less arrogant I found him and the more qualities and tastes I found in common with him. We were campaigning together on political issues to begin with, and then later he encouraged me to get more involved in the ISOC, as he had done. I did and ended up landing a big position which meant we ended up working closely together.
We ended up talking more, becoming closer as friends and then people started drawing assumptions. At this point, I was apprehensive of this, as I didn't really know what kind of environment/reactions we would get from friends as many questioned our friendship, and how genuine this guy really was. We would literally speak all day and all night, talking about everything. I felt, at this point we were the closest we have ever been and he kept asking really presumptive questions about the future, including how I felt about children taking the fathers surname and how many children would we have together (!)
Fast forward, we go through our second year and we are on reasonably good terms, apart from one thing, communication. It either was speaking all the time, or not speaking at all for long periods of time. There have been too many occasions where Ive been left with unopened messages on whatsapp and FB messenger, where I can clearly see he's online and to be honest I have made my feelings clear how I find this downright disrespectful. We speak about this and then several other uni events/uni life continues to happen and everything seems fine. We are still very close friends but we both have feelings for each other - just neither of us really want to make it blatant or obvious. We both try and subtly tell each other we do like one another, with compliments and the amount of time we spend/content of our conversations. He even goes as far as inviting me to his flat for a party with a large group of friends, but insists I come earlier to spend time together.
So we reach the summer of the second year of university and his birthday arrives; I plan a nice, bouji and expensive type of meal and he agrees to it until he goes on holiday with his parents. I try my best to not act hurt but this doesn't work. after he comes back from the holiday we end up going to this restaurant just a few weeks after, but at the time, I was going through lots of problematic housing issues with my own family. this is the summer of second year, and I still dont have a solid place to live, and my uni was questioning whether or not I could stay on into my third year, I still tried to stay strong and not tell him any of this, despite all the stress and anxiety I had when I found out a lot of things about him - he drinks and this is a complete secret from his parents who would literally disown him for engaging in such haraam behaviour. (more context, this guy is a british pakistani raised in the emirates and is in london for university)
we start our third year, and we are extremely close still, but we are still not officially in a couple. we have a lot of common friends, and many of whom would feel this potential relationship wouldn't be right/correct, just out of distaste and also for obvious religious reasons. third year progresses and I finally find the courage to tell him that i know about his drinking and I tell him I won't tolerate it, then he becomes super distant from me and a few weeks later I hear he is feeling depressed and not himself.
the distance increases until I snap out of it, and I suggest we talk; we go dinner and talk more deeply about our lives and what we expect to achieve in the next year. in the next few weeks, it is much better and we are talking regularly and fast forward we get to exam season. and then he goes awol again, completely awol and doesn't respond to any contact from me, our friends and I suddenly get super concerned. dissertation hand in day goes, and we still dont see this guy on the university campus. eventually he spoke to us and we find out theres some personal problems in his family, someone on their deathbed. I then reassure him that Im always there for him and always will be and he reacts to this with "you're my family now" which I wasn't quite sure how to respond to. also since then, every time we've met up he's been a lot more touchy feely with me.
so then since then we finish our exams and meet up in ramadan, and have iftar together (I know this is really bad) - like we ended up going for a couples iftar, in our not even proper/not official couple. we both graduate and he really feels its a missed opportunity when he doesn't get to meet my parents at graduation; my parents met a lot of my other friends, both male and female and were really great; my dad even hugged and greeted my other male friends - so no animosity with my parents if they did meet him
since uni ended we've been out a few more times, most recently to the cinema. we watched a film and basically leant all over each other, cuddled up (i know super haraam) in the theatre watching the show. I felt like at the time it was two way, but afterwards, now thinking about it, I was super tired and had gone straight from a long 9 hour shift and I felt like I was initiating the cuddling more. since then I've texted him and its been a few weeks, but no response.
I'm worried I've scared him off, and it concerns me as I really really really thought he was the one. If he's not the one, then I also wasted two and a half years getting super close to him, and I feel like I won't meet anyone now I've left uni as well. "I wasn't anticipating to marry the first boy I set my eyes on in my uni ISOC,' like lol Im not even religious like that, but I just need some advice about what to do in this whole situation. We hear to much about the stories of people finding their spouse at university, but really we need to address this as a situation - can halal dating happen? Have I overstepped the mark? What can excuse this poor lack of communication?
I just need some advice. Since I finished uni, Ive just been working and this has been playing on my mind a lot. Im trying to get over the fact that I am finally done, finished with uni and trying my best to move on into real life, but this guy is the one thing holding me back. i feel I'm in love with him and I've imagined wanting to spend my life with him. i have three older siblings so i know that ill have some time before my parents want to know when I am thinking of marriage, but if Im honest, all i want to do is spend my entire life with him. I feel he is the missing piece of the jigsaw. he isn't perfect but neither am I. I just know when I am with him, i feel so safe. Am i being ridiculous or am I being unrealistic?