Boyfriend got blackout drunk and cheated Watch

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#1
Hey,

On Saturday I said goodbye to my boyfriend (we were both in tears) as he went off to uni and weren’t going to see each other for a while. On Sunday night he had his initiation night which was the first night of clubbing at which he got horrendously drunk to the point he cannot remember most of the night. An older guy had been invited to his flat and was putting more spirits and people’s drinks and stuff to get them drunker according to another flatmate. That night when all of them got back, he got into his room and collapsed into bed, then a girl from his flat came banging on doors to find him, found his door unlocked and let herself in. No one knows what the series of events were that unfolded except probably the girl because my boyfriend cannot remember, but she got him to have sex with her in the state he was in. He didn’t remember any of it the next morning, or even just after as he texted me goodnight and that he loved me. The next evening he wasn’t going out because he’d already worn himself out so much and had said he wasn’t going to drink nearly as much for the rest of freshers, when the girl in the room next door informed him that she heard what he did the night before. He had no clue what she was talking about and when she told him he broke down. He immediately called me sobbing and crying and apologising, saying he was disgusted with himself and he didn’t know how that could happen when he was so in love with me. The girl doesn’t regret what she did and I know she went after him with that intention, and has slept with another boy since.

I’m making him get tested, we’ve broken up and he’s sent me a letter and my favourite chocolates and he says he’s working on something now and he will try the hardest he possibly can for me to regain his trust. He’s gone dry and won’t be drinking again for as long as it takes. He’s barely left his uni room according to flatmates and hasn’t gone out once since. He never wants to see or speak to the girl again and never really did want to whilst in control of himself in the first place.

I leave for uni in a week and I feel that it is certainly time to have a fresh start considering all of this has happened. I’ve decided to stay broken up with him indefinitely and work on myself and my degree, then maybe meet up with him at Christmas to see how he is, then after the following term. But no getting back together will happen til at least next summer because we need a sustained period of time to see each other consistently and make this work again.

I’m just wondering what other people think of this situation and would do in my shoes. It’s very easy for people to say “drunk isn’t an excuse” and dismiss mine and his feelings like that, but this goes a lot deeper. I want to make it clear that I’m not making excuses for him as this is everything I know that has happened/is happening. We built so much together and have made perfect memories over almost a year, and I knew he was my person because I felt so much for him in just that amount of time.

Thank you for any insights and please be gentle with me. I’m healing.
0
Roindiana28
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#2
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#2
It’s completely up to you whether you take him back or not, usually I’d say he’s a cheater but in this case it kinda sounds like she took advantage of him. I’d suggest heading off to uni and seeing how things go from there before deciding☺️
5
Drewski
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#3
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#3
If he was that drunk he wouldn't have been able to have sex.

He was a willing participant in it.
2
Anonymous #2
#4
Report 1 year ago
#4
Low key sounds like rape, seeing as he couldn't have been in a state to make that kind of decision, she must have clearly taken advantage of him. If it were a boy who had done that to a girl, it would be probably be classed as sexual assault. If both of you really love each other, I would not necessarily give up. I definitely think you made the right decision to break up indefinitely tho and give yourself some space from him and to think things through. If you later still feel like it could work between you too, then go for it. If not, then don't. I mean he's probably learnt his lesson to be careful about not getting too drunk in the future.
8
blahjayy
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#5
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#5
So he was raped? he needs to go to the police
9
Sammy_ox
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#6
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#6
Its pretty easy when you are guilty of something to protect the person you 'love' and make yourself seem like the victim so that the other person is more forgiving. I have been EXTREMELY drunk, HOWEVER, I did not lose control over myself to a point where I 'did not remember' someone coming in my room trying to have sex with me. It can be very easy to seduce a boy; whether he really did or did not know what was happening is something you will never find out, however I believe that
everybody makes choices - drunk or not.

He cheated in the spur of the moment and felt guilty and made himself look like the victim so you could forgive him

My advice is, start your new Uni life as a fresh start, if he comes back to you keep him there, but keep your options open because you are still young and will find that there are guys who would not do things like that.
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Toki the Dumdum
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#7
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I would draw a line under it completely OP. It's very possible to blackout after relatively few drinks but even if that is given to your boyfriend, he still cheated in the heat of the moment. Can you reasonably see yourself forgiving and trusting him in the future?
0
Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#8
Thank you for all of your responses, it is nice to hear some persepectives from outside of the people I know. I can see myself forgiving him, but not necessarily being able to push what he did far enough to the back of my mind. Obviously, I cannot speak for the future but I won't make any rash decisions and I'll only do what makes me happy and comfortable.

I'm not sure how posting stuff on here works since i've never done it before, I don't know if you'll all get a notification!
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SofaChillReview
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#9
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#9
Personally for me it’s always once a cheat always a cheater not only because it’s such a big thing when it’s done, but easier once it’s done.
Also trust is number one in a relationship always and now that’s gone it would always hinder you, honestly I think you will look back at Christmas and you’ll probably have found an amazing new bloke who you can build trust up with.

Certainly this is weird circumstance but you still have yourself to look out for, I think if it’s a kiss then you know you might not remember it and that’s fine but not this, you are a much better person than me if you could forgive that.
All the best anyway
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Bio 7
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#10
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(Original post by blahjayy)
So he was raped? he needs to go to the police
She very clearly abused his highly drunken state, she really does need something legal brought against her. It would be worth bring this to the police.

I would say this wasn't his fault but how you deal with it is up to you, we can't can't say how you should feel.
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Notoriety
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#11
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Drunken consent is still consent. Even if you black out afterwards; ultimately the legal test is whether in the moment you had capacity to consent and not whether you remember consenting. These are completely different questions which people very, very often conflate.

All this "manipulated" and so on is complete speculation.
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beach700
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#12
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#12
Is it an excuse?

This is what you need to find out.
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meowgoesthedog
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#13
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He didn’t consent to sex. If he’s telling the truth you just broke up with a rape victim for being a rape victim. I too wouldn’t leave my room for days if that happened to me. How would you feel if someone took advantage of you as you were passed out in the privacy of your room and your boyfriend left you for it?
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rrz7
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey,

On Saturday I said goodbye to my boyfriend (we were both in tears) as he went off to uni and weren’t going to see each other for a while. On Sunday night he had his initiation night which was the first night of clubbing at which he got horrendously drunk to the point he cannot remember most of the night. An older guy had been invited to his flat and was putting more spirits and people’s drinks and stuff to get them drunker according to another flatmate. That night when all of them got back, he got into his room and collapsed into bed, then a girl from his flat came banging on doors to find him, found his door unlocked and let herself in. No one knows what the series of events were that unfolded except probably the girl because my boyfriend cannot remember, but she got him to have sex with her in the state he was in. He didn’t remember any of it the next morning, or even just after as he texted me goodnight and that he loved me. The next evening he wasn’t going out because he’d already worn himself out so much and had said he wasn’t going to drink nearly as much for the rest of freshers, when the girl in the room next door informed him that she heard what he did the night before. He had no clue what she was talking about and when she told him he broke down. He immediately called me sobbing and crying and apologising, saying he was disgusted with himself and he didn’t know how that could happen when he was so in love with me. The girl doesn’t regret what she did and I know she went after him with that intention, and has slept with another boy since.

I’m making him get tested, we’ve broken up and he’s sent me a letter and my favourite chocolates and he says he’s working on something now and he will try the hardest he possibly can for me to regain his trust. He’s gone dry and won’t be drinking again for as long as it takes. He’s barely left his uni room according to flatmates and hasn’t gone out once since. He never wants to see or speak to the girl again and never really did want to whilst in control of himself in the first place.

I leave for uni in a week and I feel that it is certainly time to have a fresh start considering all of this has happened. I’ve decided to stay broken up with him indefinitely and work on myself and my degree, then maybe meet up with him at Christmas to see how he is, then after the following term. But no getting back together will happen til at least next summer because we need a sustained period of time to see each other consistently and make this work again.

I’m just wondering what other people think of this situation and would do in my shoes. It’s very easy for people to say “drunk isn’t an excuse” and dismiss mine and his feelings like that, but this goes a lot deeper. I want to make it clear that I’m not making excuses for him as this is everything I know that has happened/is happening. We built so much together and have made perfect memories over almost a year, and I knew he was my person because I felt so much for him in just that amount of time.

Thank you for any insights and please be gentle with me. I’m healing.
I hate to break it to you, but what people calls "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard then it slowly fades.
2
Joleee
Badges: 18
#15
Report 1 year ago
#15
i didn't know you could get an erection if you're black out drunk. are you absolutely sure the sex happened?

how drunk was this girl who took advantage of him? did she know what she was doing?

i think you're doing the right thing by staying broken up. you're only 18. you're too young to have unnecessary romantic stress in your life. too many dudes out there; no need to settle.
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SofaChillReview
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#16
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#16
(Original post by rrz7)
I hate to break it to you, but what people calls "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard then it slowly fades.
Like for the Rick and Morty quote !
1
999tigger
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#17
Report 1 year ago
#17
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey,

On Saturday I said goodbye to my boyfriend (we were both in tears) as he went off to uni and weren’t going to see each other for a while. On Sunday night he had his initiation night which was the first night of clubbing at which he got horrendously drunk to the point he cannot remember most of the night. An older guy had been invited to his flat and was putting more spirits and people’s drinks and stuff to get them drunker according to another flatmate. That night when all of them got back, he got into his room and collapsed into bed, then a girl from his flat came banging on doors to find him, found his door unlocked and let herself in. No one knows what the series of events were that unfolded except probably the girl because my boyfriend cannot remember, but she got him to have sex with her in the state he was in. He didn’t remember any of it the next morning, or even just after as he texted me goodnight and that he loved me. The next evening he wasn’t going out because he’d already worn himself out so much and had said he wasn’t going to drink nearly as much for the rest of freshers, when the girl in the room next door informed him that she heard what he did the night before. He had no clue what she was talking about and when she told him he broke down. He immediately called me sobbing and crying and apologising, saying he was disgusted with himself and he didn’t know how that could happen when he was so in love with me. The girl doesn’t regret what she did and I know she went after him with that intention, and has slept with another boy since.

I’m making him get tested, we’ve broken up and he’s sent me a letter and my favourite chocolates and he says he’s working on something now and he will try the hardest he possibly can for me to regain his trust. He’s gone dry and won’t be drinking again for as long as it takes. He’s barely left his uni room according to flatmates and hasn’t gone out once since. He never wants to see or speak to the girl again and never really did want to whilst in control of himself in the first place.

I leave for uni in a week and I feel that it is certainly time to have a fresh start considering all of this has happened. I’ve decided to stay broken up with him indefinitely and work on myself and my degree, then maybe meet up with him at Christmas to see how he is, then after the following term. But no getting back together will happen til at least next summer because we need a sustained period of time to see each other consistently and make this work again.

I’m just wondering what other people think of this situation and would do in my shoes. It’s very easy for people to say “drunk isn’t an excuse” and dismiss mine and his feelings like that, but this goes a lot deeper. I want to make it clear that I’m not making excuses for him as this is everything I know that has happened/is happening. We built so much together and have made perfect memories over almost a year, and I knew he was my person because I felt so much for him in just that amount of time.

Thank you for any insights and please be gentle with me. I’m healing.
Just some observations:

1. Theres at least 2 sides to every story.
2. If something did happen then at least he hasnt tried to hide all of it.
3. Blaming alcohol is easy. If it was non consensual then she assaulted him, but sounds more likely it lowered his inhibitions.
4. Not many relationships ever recover as that trust issue is broken and you cant undo the fact it has happened. Things have forever changed.
5. I was surprised by how sensible your solution was. Let things settle and see how you both feel then talk it through over Christmas. No point for histrionics. The gap is as much for him as you. if he doesnt realise that and he thinks a box of chocolates makes it better, then he misunderstands the significance.
6. See how you feel later. Dont hate each other just consider it a time out and maybe you can figure something out.
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Anonymous #1
#18
Report Thread starter 1 year ago
#18
(Original post by meowgoesthedog)
He didn’t consent to sex. If he’s telling the truth you just broke up with a rape victim for being a rape victim. I too wouldn’t leave my room for days if that happened to me. How would you feel if someone took advantage of you as you were passed out in the privacy of your room and your boyfriend left you for it?
I have told him to tell me if he feels that he was taken advantage of and he can't seem to do it because he doesn't remember. Trust me, I told him many times to report her and that this is a police issue and he won't. I don't want to assume it's because he consented but these things are all going through my head. Like I said, I'm healing and I'd appreciate it if you didn't accuse me of being the worse person for breaking up with him when I have considered all of these things and tried to find answers to them.
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yudothis
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#19
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#19
Who are you kidding? Get rid.
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NotNotBatman
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#20
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#20
(Original post by blahjayy)
So he was raped? he needs to go to the police
In the eyes of the law a man cannot get raped. Not saying I agree with this, but that's how the law works in this country, however a man can be sexually assaulted.

In my eyes he didn't consent, so it isn't his fault.
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