The Student Room Group

should i stay with him

i got with my boyfriend 10 months ago, and fell in love quickly.. things were going great, i loved him more than anything and as stupid as it sounds at only 18 years old, i saw a future with him. all of my mates constantly looked on us as 'the perfect couple' and i thought we were perfect.

it isnt that he did anything wrong, or hurt me in any way, but just recently havent been as happy as i used to be. i dont feel as loved as i did before and its really upsetting me at the moment. i seems to be nit picking at everything that goes on between us, and im being really needy. i know that the way im behaving is out of order, but i want to know why im feeling this way? as ive always been 100% happy and always been confident and happy about the relationship.

its little things that are getting me down, i dont feel like he shows me enough affection anymore, i want us to be crazy about each other like we used to be. because... well isnt everyone crazy about each other when they are in love? i miss the random 'i love you' texts and the spontanious hugs and kisses. i know that im being over the top and needy, but its getting me really down and as it does, i take this out on him.. which obviously pushes him further away.

i just dont understand why im behaving this way? or why his affection seems to be drifting. i know that he isnt cheating, he works the majority of every day and has strong views on people that do such things. but i just miss him... we are currently on a break ( we swore we would never go on one of these!!) and have decided to cut contact for a week... he has been texting me, but im determind to stand strong, although its killing me.

please someone give me some advice as to what i can do, or why im being this way? thank you guys

Scroll to see replies

lurveit
i want us to be crazy about each other like we used to be.


It's understandable to feel this way, but the honeymoon phase has to end eventually. I think that's what you're feeling, in fact from what you've said I think that describes it perfectly.
Just because everything isn't new and exciting anymore, doesn't mean it can't be equally lovely- you've just moved onto a new stage in your relationship, where you're comfortable with each other, and you don't have to "try so hard" if you like.
As for what to do, yes maybe a break is a good thing. But if you want (and he wants too obv) a relationship again, you are going to have to accept that it won't be quite as lovey as in the beginning!
you are out of the honeymoon period. relationships need work, they will not magically be amazing all the time. have you talked to him about why you are unhappy? just because you are 'in love' doesn't mean you have to be how it was in the beginning. the relationship will grow and mature just like you will be a different person 10 months ago. however, if you don't like how things are going, you really do need to talk to him.

i guess this break will also let you know if you want to be with him personally or you just like being in a relationship.
Reply 3
I totally understand how you're feeling, but the honeymoon phase can't last forever. The best thing you can do is probably to sit down together and tell each other how you feel and what you want etc. Things will never be exaclty how they were at the beginning because you're at the point now where you're more comfortable with each other and know that you love each other and everything
Reply 4
10 months = out of honeymoon period.

relationships start to change - you exchange new and exciting for familiar and comfortable, you just gotta learn to adapt to it.

i think its just being blown a bit out of proportion on your part - if he's still texting you regardless of your lack of replying then he obviously still cares. by cutting contact what are you trying to prove exactly? that you can live without contacting him? or are you trying to make him suffer?

if your in love, then you'll sort it out. things don't stay the same throughout a relationship! coming from a guy in a 19month relationship :smile:
Reply 5
yes ive spoken to him, he thinks im being silly and we should just work at the relationship, we both got quite upset but he says that i need to accept him for who he is and realise that if he changes back to how we were then it might last 2 weeks, a year or a few months but he will always go back to being the guy that he is.
Reply 6
listen to him - my girlfriend still expects to a certain degree for me to maintain the honeymoon experience.

i'm with him, you are being rather silly, i just don't think you've got a proper grasp on the long term relationship prospect yet?
i've been going out with my bf for 6 months, but we started 'courting' (lol) in june. during the whole of june, then sept and oct, he was really super nice, did all the chasing, attentive etc etc.

but it's this year i've seen his true colours, which basically is kinda the opposite, not that he's not nice, but he's doesn't feel like he needs to try so hard to keep me. he doesn't feel the need to keep my attention all the time. all my other bfs in the past have been how he was at the beginning all the way through our relationships, so i have been used to that and expected it. the fact he isn't has upset me and still does.

i've had to make the choice to either accept him as he is, or split. the bottom line is that we want different things from a relationship. either we split or we compromise. but people don't really change.

i think you know you have to decide this too. what will ultimately make you more happy, (taking into account that people don't really change much from who they really are)?
Reply 8
i know your all right.. thank you for your help.. seriously, i guess its kind of knocked some sense into me.. im making myself resent the relationship just because the honeymoon period is over, and to be honest i was beginning to think he just didnt love me anymore?

the way i saw it was, i was with a guy when i was 15, we stayed together until i was 17 and i was never realy that bothered about being in a relationship with him, so i guess he didnt get all the nice little gestures that maybe he wanted.. because i didnt really love him so much. the way im feeling now... i just feel very confused, i dont want to break up with him, because i want him in my life, i just need to relax and learn to be happy.
Reply 9
good luck :smile:

it'll be fine, probably better seen as your in love :smile:
Reply 10
so... i carry on with this break, then see him again next week.. and comprimise?
well will you be happy with the decrease in affection etc etc?

or will you ask him to change? what happens if he doesn't?

have you gained anything from this break?
Reply 12
i guess im just going to have to accept that real life relationships cant be all rosey all the time? and learn to live with that.
he wont change, and if he did i know it wouldnt last, it wouldnt be how he really felt would it?
the break started tuesday... so far ive just been getting myself upset and questionning everything.
did you and your boyfriend manage to find a happy medium? if so, how?
no, relationships aren't rosy all the time. but there are guys who are more affectionate than others. myabe you should try another go wiht it and if you are still unhappy a moonth or a couple weeks in, maybe he's not the guy for you and your relationship has run its course. i know it's a really hard decision to make.

me personally, i still haven't really made my decision. i'm being really stupid and keep delaying it, and convincing myself that next time it'll be ok, i can deal with this different kind of relationship. but in the meantime i complain a lot to my friends and flatmates and they're sick of me moaning, and ask me why am i still with him if i'm not happy. i gave him an ultimatum last week, ebcause i was sick of him not calling me cos he knows i'll call him and a whole host of other stuff. he said he would change, but atm i am revising for exams so i don't have the energy to chase it up. i'm not the best example. but i know eventualy i'll have to choose whether i can live with the way things are or not.

what are you questioning? if he loves you or not?
Reply 14
i know he loves me but sometimes his actions contradict other actions... there are days when he gets drunk and rings me and rings me, and then there are others when im with him and im just wanting him to turn around and tell me he loves me, i want him to be all excited about spending the day with me, and i want him to do everything he can to make me happy like he used to do. does this even make sense? :s-smilie:

how long have you been with your boyfriend, and how old are you if you dont mind me asking?
my bf and i are both 21. we've been 'officially' together since october. but we started 'seeing' each other in june. my bf is pretty immature though and the thought of a serious relaitonship freaks him out.

don't worry, of course it makes sense. it sounds like the kind of guy you are looking for is like an old fashioned romantic. but your bf isn't, or isn't at the moment. and it would be worse if you tried to make him something he's not. it's really up to you to decide what you want and if he is someone who will make you happy.
Think of it this way, if you dated x amount of guys and broke up with them when you felt the 'spark' was fading then you'd never be able to settle down properly. From what i've read it seems everything is fine in your relationship, you just have to accept that the exciting phase is disappearing and you're becoming more comfortable as a serious couple.
its definitely that the honeymoon period is over - that hit me not so long ago (been with my boyf almost 2 years)... and sure its hard when you first realise, but they key is....

COMMUNICATION!!!

seriously, my boyf and i have had so many conversations if something goes wrong - e.g. he stopped being so... polite all of the time, so i said to him about it and he honestly didn't realise he'd stopped, or at least reduced his politeness.

If you can't see yourself with anyone else/can still only see yourself with him, don't give up yet.

Have a few heart to hearts about it all!
lurveit
i got with my boyfriend 10 months ago, and fell in love quickly.. things were going great, i loved him more than anything and as stupid as it sounds at only 18 years old, i saw a future with him. all of my mates constantly looked on us as 'the perfect couple' and i thought we were perfect.

it isnt that he did anything wrong, or hurt me in any way, but just recently havent been as happy as i used to be. i dont feel as loved as i did before and its really upsetting me at the moment. i seems to be nit picking at everything that goes on between us, and im being really needy. i know that the way im behaving is out of order, but i want to know why im feeling this way? as ive always been 100% happy and always been confident and happy about the relationship.

its little things that are getting me down, i dont feel like he shows me enough affection anymore, i want us to be crazy about each other like we used to be. because... well isnt everyone crazy about each other when they are in love? i miss the random 'i love you' texts and the spontanious hugs and kisses. i know that im being over the top and needy, but its getting me really down and as it does, i take this out on him.. which obviously pushes him further away.

i just dont understand why im behaving this way? or why his affection seems to be drifting. i know that he isnt cheating, he works the majority of every day and has strong views on people that do such things. but i just miss him... we are currently on a break ( we swore we would never go on one of these!!) and have decided to cut contact for a week... he has been texting me, but im determind to stand strong, although its killing me.

please someone give me some advice as to what i can do, or why im being this way? thank you guys


My ex-girlfriend was exactly like this. It tore us apart. She really made me an angry person for a few months, and I've only recently gotten over it.

Do both of you a favor and break-up I would say. Unless you can quickly change this - sorry to be harsh - naïve need for attention and this fantasy of a honeymoon period, it won't work out.

Good luck to you.
Reply 19
thanks suicidal dream, i think your right, i cant see myself being with anyone else, i know that we can work it just gets hard sometimes, and i guess its a bit of a shock coming out of the honeymoonal period. we will work at it, this break is definately giving me time to think.

wish me luck :smile: