Unfaithful Partner

Hello! I have been in a solid relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. The first 3 years were long-distance and then he moved to uni close to me so we could see eachother a bit more (not the only reason of course). This didn’t really happen, as he was busy with uni and I wanted to give him time to settle into first year - I saw him maybe 2/3 times a month, which was still a little more than it had been before. Cut to this year, we spent the entire summer together, non-stop: it was lovely and something I needed since I have been going through a lot lately (left my job of 3 years, my dad is very ill).
Cut to last week, and my boyfriend turned around and said to me that before the summer when I was very depressed and something terrible happened in his family, he contemplated ending the relationship because he didn’t think he loved me anymore but he was too worried I would end my life to actually tell me that because he couldn’t bare that happening. In order to cope with his pain, he found comfort in another girl for a few weeks/months, I don’t know. They didn’t sleep together, only kissed. He was having a bad time and drinking during the day, and she was the only one there for him because I was so down that I couldn’t even speak to him.
I have never felt this sad in my life. It’s not even sadness, it’s like a void. Every time I sleep and close my eyes I picture them together in his uni room, on the bed that we shared surrounded by our things and they’re kissing and it makes my heart ache.
He told me that it happened 5 months before he told me, and after spending the summer together he realised that he didn’t want anything to do with her anymore and what he had done.
He told me himself and it’s been eating away at him for all that time, but he didn’t tell me any of this until now and I genuinely had no idea - we have been with eachother since we were 17/18, I have never had anyone else relationship-wise and I have never had a reason not to trust him; he’s had so many girl-friends in the past and they’re all lovely and the one time I don’t make friends with them, this happens.
I don’t have a single friend and am currently unemployed. I have no one to speak to and no one to turn to about this and I don’t want to tell anyone because I will look like an idiot if I take him back but we’ve been together for 4 years and I don’t have anyone else so I can’t just drop that?
Please help me

Ok so the overwhelming thing I get from your post is actually nothing to do with your relationship and just the fact that you seem to have no one else in your life. This is really worrying. Even if you and your partner get on great and have no absolutely no problems, they should never, ever be the only person you have to rely on for emotional support. (I know, I've been there!)

Being cheated on is already an awful thing to endure, it's being made so much more difficult by the fact you have no one to talk to. I'm not saying this to rub it in - I'm saying it because I really think that it is the very first thing you need to work on. As long as you're so reliant on your boyfriend, it's going to be very, very difficult to make healthy, rational choices like this.

So what I would do is break it off with your boyfriend for a bit. You need to prove to yourself that you can live without him. Work on rebuilding your confidence, and try to make friends. Try to be proactive; go to clubs or classes, invite people out and organise events yourself. Then, once you're confident that you can live without him, you can think about maybe letting the past go, if that's what you want. I don't know anything about your relationship, I don't know if your boyfriend is a lovely person who made one mistake, or a serial cheater, but I don't think you'll know either until you see it from the outside. As long as you're thinking "if I lose him, I'll have nobody" then you're just further cementing the emotional monopoly he has on you. (and I mean, this doesn't excuse anything, but it sounds like this was affecting him too, through your depression. You definitely should be able to rely on your partner in times of mental illness, but it is very, very, very hard to be the only one supporting someone through it)

I've had my heart shattered, caught ex gf talking to "Jake from State Farm" and when confronted, she said I wouldn't have gotten hurt if I didn't go through my phone. I feel your pain and I as well have no one to really talk to but once you focus on yourself and find enjoyment in life just doing you, things get much easier. I've been through that depression and just doing what you love eases the pain over time. Would I go back to her if she came to me? No, who's to say she won't do it again. I do want a partner in crime but I can wait until the right one comes along, the thing is ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. Relying on anyone for emotional support or going back to them once they've hurt you is a HUGE mistake as you will only get dropped again. Either he's with you or he's not.

I genuinely don’t think I can face the world alone. I have no enjoyment in my life and nothing fulfills me. Our relationship is the only thing I have which is why I’m so traumatised.

I think deep down you know the answer and that's why you're here, if you put your trust in him again and he loses it, the only one you can blame is yourself.