Struggling with sexual doubts!!Watch
I have never liked guys romantically. I just weirdly get turned on by them sometimes, maybe it's the act, and not the person I guess. I look to guys as friends as brothers sometimes, and get obsessed about being like them because I'm insecure of my body and my self. I have always dated girls my life and I get turned on by girls sometimes. I was first introduced to gay porn as a child due to Sky box. I watched it and got turned on. I stopped watching it and when I turned 13-17, all I did was masturbate to lesbian porn and get hard erections a few times, but almost 6 months ago I was tempted to watch gay porn again. I decided to but struggled to get turned on a little. I have been watching it since, but I don't really enjoy it as my urges want to. My same-sex arousals are usually stronger than my female sex arousals, but I feel like it doesn't satisfy my pleasures as lesbian porn does. Everytime I finish watching it I feel so guilty and disgusted that I never want to watch it again. I get horny and and tempted to watch lesbian porn but I'm scared that I cannot get turned on so watch gay porn instead. I also uncomfortably feel horny looking at guys sometimes as well and watch gay porn to release the unwanted tension. Even when I try to masturbate without the gay porn, I struggle to maintain an erection. Since watching gay porn, I have struggled to get turned on by girls, but sometimes I do.
Likewise, I couldn't even consider anything intimate with a guy. Kissing, cuddling, etc with a guy is repulsive to me. I feel so uncomfortable thinking about it sometimes and rather wish to think about girls instead. I get so scared that everyone thinks I'm gay. Some people just think Im gay sometimes (I think because of my high-pitched cockney voice) when I barely do anything that will make me look gay. Even a gay person told me I'm not gay. I envy boys because I'm so insecure about myself and the more I get closer to guys I envy them and become obsessed about being them, and I start to get unwanted sexual fantasies about them even though physically right next to them I feel no feelings towards them.
I always notice an attractive girl and sometimes I notice an attractive man. Most of the time I don't always feel attracted to them in sexual ways (I just envy how good-looking/dressing they are). Sometimes I may think a little sexual but it usually doesn't last long.
I've been having these doubts for a few years now. One minute I'm secure that I like girls, next minute I doubt myself again. Its like a cycle. I've become so tired of it. I have been recently talking to this Swedish girl in my uni and my feelings are mixed. I have taken several sexuality tests and have come out straight and a few times bi. I have also tested several sexualities and there was this time my mind kept telling my I was bisexual. I decided to start identifying myself as bi, but I felt so uncomfortable and couldn't accept it. I know it's not wrong being gay, bi etc, but I know myself and I'm not gay. My first and biggest crush was with a girl. This continuous doubt has been really hard. I have tried to reach out to psychics and even once nearly tried therapy. As much as I dont mind gay people (one of my close friends is a gender fluid homosexual), I dont want to be gay. Is there anyone that has gone through this or is there anyone that can give me advice.