Hey, was wondering if I could get some support and guidance really!
I'm a grad medic, with finals coming up somewhere in the near future (few months - intentionally vague) Before I started medicine I felt confident, happy, sociable... for the most part that continued through until my first clinical exams, which I just found enormously tough and draining. Worked too hard, slept too little, and have very few social interests these days. My life at home is nice and I'm happy with my partner, but all too often my days and evenings are spent revising out of a combo of guilt and fear. I can't seem to take any time out for fear of falling behind. I did pass exams etc but it's always been very marginal. My friends at uni are very select and not the sort I'd want to talk to this stuff about. My best friends are scattered and I rarely see them these days :/
I know they say by now we should have learnt a way of learning, but I feel like I'm just coasting and with very little direction. I know I passed my exams to this point but I *know* I have not seen enough patients - I'm terrified about missing crucial things in examinations at finals tbh. Some of it is imposter syndrome I'm sure, but I do also genuinely feel inferior from years of being basically bottom decile.
Then on top of this, presumably from the exhaustion, I just feel massive anhedonia and lethargy 24/7 even in the small moments of respite I do take off. Getting up and going to sleep is a massive challenge. I can't remember the last time I felt awake, and if I'm like this in FY1/2 I'm terrified I'll just crack. I do enjoy medicine as a subject, and even doing it on the wards is good fun for me - always has been, but I don't know how to continue living my life with balance. Medical school has made me socially anxious; my partner started off with GAD and got treated during medical school and has improved massively, whereas I feel I'm now far worse. It's a weird situation!
I think fundamentally I know the way I am working is not sustainable - probably could get to finals but not in a healthy frame of mind. I'd be lying if I said there weren't days where I wondered why I'm alive, even though I have no intention of ever doing anything about it.
On that note it's obvious I need to see my GP, but I really don't feel I can take time out of studies with pressures at home and I'd feel like I'd fall even further behind. For me I need to see things through to graduation, but then it's FY1 and a whole new kettle of fish to deal with. I'm also worried about how to approach mental health side of things with both the uni, my GP, during years as a doctor. Who do I talk to or disclose to?
Sorry for the rambling; I hope it makes sense but I'm sat here at 9pm in the library with very little hope of feeling happy.