I had a one-night stand and I hate myself. Should I tell my partner? Watch

Anonymous #1
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I love my partner and have been with him for a year and a half. To date this has been my most healthy relationship. I have never so much as looked at another man. I have BPD and tend to do some horrible self-destructive crap when I am drunk (not an excuse just contextualising). I am aware of this problem and have previously had alcohol counselling but last night I just went off the rails again. I blacked out and woke up to discover I had cheated. I am devastated and racked with guilt. However I do not want to throw away what we have or hurt him further. Should I tell him?
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Asazycat
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#2
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Yes.
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Nabopolassar
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why do threads like this always start with long excuses lol. Yes, the reason is irrelevant
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Anonymous #1
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I said it wasnt an excuse. I was explaining what happened. I know I have royally ****ed up and that is my fault. But I think it helps to give context.
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Ciel.
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I love my partner and have been with him for a year and a half. To date this has been my most healthy relationship. I have never so much as looked at another man. I have BPD and tend to do some horrible self-destructive crap when I am drunk (not an excuse just contextualising). I am aware of this problem and have previously had alcohol counselling but last night I just went off the rails again. I blacked out and woke up to discover I had cheated. I am devastated and racked with guilt. However I do not want to throw away what we have or hurt him further. Should I tell him?
Blacked out? It doesn't count then. If you are so drunk that you black out, you can't even consent.
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Anonymous #1
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Sadly I would disagree. I black out say 7/10 times that I drink - but i will black out for like a long period. So for some of that time I may have still been walking and talking but my brain just erases it. I have been arrested in the past and stuff because basically alcohol has a jekyll and hyde effect on me (again not saying that absolves me or excuses me - I know its my fault for continuing to drink .Just explaininhg)
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Ciel.
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sadly I would disagree. I black out say 7/10 times that I drink - but i will black out for like a long period. So for some of that time I may have still been walking and talking but my brain just erases it. I have been arrested in the past and stuff because basically alcohol has a jekyll and hyde effect on me (again not saying that absolves me or excuses me - I know its my fault for continuing to drink .Just explaininhg)
Just forget about it and move on, telling him is only going to hurt him.
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Anonymous #1
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Yes thats my concern - I am his first girlfriend and I just know that telling him would break him
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caivalry
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Tell them. It would be truly unfair to withhold such information. It's only going to continue to eat away at you unless you be honest.
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WaffleApple
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Tell him, no offense but i think he has the right to know the sort of woman he is dating.

If i was your boyfriend, i would dump your arse in 10 seconds flat.

Alcohol simply isn't an excuse. You knew you would be at risk of cheating when drunk ect.
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username3917068
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The decision should not be yours to make any more. If you have any respect/love for your partner then shouldn't you now give him the chance to make a decision? (You have done enough).

If he wants to stay with you, fine it's his choice. You lying about this is actually protecting yourself, which is utterly selfish.
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Anonymous #1
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Yes how many times do I need to say that i get that point. I have accepted i know i have a problem and i did it anyway. Because I cant bear life to go smoothly. That is my problem I know and I am responsible. Why does no one seem to get that I do realise that?

My only concern is what will cause him more harm
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I love my partner and have been with him for a year and a half. To date this has been my most healthy relationship. I have never so much as looked at another man. I have BPD and tend to do some horrible self-destructive crap when I am drunk (not an excuse just contextualising). I am aware of this problem and have previously had alcohol counselling but last night I just went off the rails again. I blacked out and woke up to discover I had cheated. I am devastated and racked with guilt. However I do not want to throw away what we have or hurt him further. Should I tell him?
Yes you should tell him, because he deserves someone who truly loves and respects him. Let him be with someone who does. You are not that person.
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Anonymous #1
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fair enough I am considering all those points. To be clear I already feel beyond *****y and disgusted with myself. I dont need help on that front. What I am asking for is views on whether to tell/ how to tell/ opinions on whether people would want to know.

I have always felt personally that if it ever happened to me and was a one-off thing i wouldnt want to know but if it was an ongoing emotional thing i would. Thats just been my view.
thats the kind of discussion i was looking for not just to be kicked when down
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xoxAngel_Kxox
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Tell him, and tell him the whole situation, ie your condition and issues with drink etc. It's then up to him whether he continues with the relationship with you. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who knew they did things - potentially dangerous things as you mentioned being arrested - while drunk.. and then continued drinking?! Why the actual hell would you even do that? I don't drink because I get sad when I'm drunk - and that's not even serious. If I knew I hurt people I love when I got drunk, I wouldn't ever touch a drop again. Please get proper help.
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Anonymous #1
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I have always self-destructed my whole life. I do it when things are going well for me. it has nearly cost me my career, my life and even relationships. I cant explain why I do it. It seems to be around some perverse belief that I dont deserve to be happy and that by doing these stupid things i prove that point. Im not proud of it - I have had 24 years of it. Im just so worried about how this is going to affect him
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DrawTheLine
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(Original post by Anonymous)
fair enough I am considering all those points. To be clear I already feel beyond *****y and disgusted with myself. I dont need help on that front. What I am asking for is views on whether to tell/ how to tell/ opinions on whether people would want to know.

I have always felt personally that if it ever happened to me and was a one-off thing i wouldnt want to know but if it was an ongoing emotional thing i would. Thats just been my view.
thats the kind of discussion i was looking for not just to be kicked when down
Yes you need to tell him. I would want to know if you were my partner. Tell him by saying "I cheated on you by having a one night stand."
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MrMusician95
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Firstly, yes, tell him. He deserves to know. And secondly, if you do self destructive stuff when drunk and black out too have you thought about stopping drinking?
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Anonymous #1
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Yes last night was the first time I have drank in just over a year. Picking up the drink is part of the self-destruct thing tho. I had been doing well and i fell off the wagon big style. And for person above who said I should explain my issues he is well aware having seen me be hospitalised/arrested for the same around a year ago.
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WaffleApple
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(Original post by Anonymous)
fair enough I am considering all those points. To be clear I already feel beyond *****y and disgusted with myself. I dont need help on that front. What I am asking for is views on whether to tell/ how to tell/ opinions on whether people would want to know.

I have always felt personally that if it ever happened to me and was a one-off thing i wouldnt want to know but if it was an ongoing emotional thing i would. Thats just been my view.
thats the kind of discussion i was looking for not just to be kicked when down
While that may be your point of view i can assure you that will not be the way most people feel.

He has a right to know who you are and to the extent of your self destructive problems. He has a right to know what happens when you go off the 'rails' and he has a right to accept or decline that.

What you seem not to understand is that he has a right to make all of these big decisions which you are wanting to make for him.

It will hurt him now but it will hurt a damn sight more when he finds out 6 months down the line.
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