SoorajG1
Badges: 7
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#1
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#1
So I was doing some descriptive writing for my homework in year 11 and was asked to write about this image. Heres a vague description: dark clouds, a mountain almost as tall as the clouds, on the floor there are pebbles and stones as well as a stream.

Now here's what I wrote:

The dark greyish clouds encapsulated the light, bringing an end to any sense of hope. They slowly washed over the surface of the skies, leaving no light to spare and a faint sound of rain could be heard from the distance as if the dark masses were quietly whispering to each other.

The mountain range was large and monstrous, stretching from the flat of the Earth all the way up to the clouds, looking over the rest of the land, as an evil God watching over the mortal beings which he’d created in his own figure. Rain trickled down his enormous shoulders to his feet, then to the small insignificant rocks below who were desperately trying to get away from the poison.

Languidly, the water passed through every crevice of every solid matter in the stream, slowly deteriorating everything in its path. As generations passed, each and every rocky mass slowly faded away into mere dust as the mountain says,
“For dust thou art and unto dust shalt thou return.”.

Infinite and vast, the clouds overruled the once blue skies with cruelty and whipped the Earth with rain and wind, slashing and tearing the flesh of the land, creating dents and cracks which allowed more streams of water to further their slaughter.

Rugged mountain folds too were punished by the veils of clouds as pellets of rain dashed towards them, accurately piercing through the once mighty mountain over and over again. The rocks and pebbles below had attained a more powerful and bitter leader as its previous possessor was overthrown and reduced to a petty lump of rock. Once again the heavens have won over the Earth and everything below must obey.


Is the speech okay? ALSO PLEASE TELL ME IF MY DESCRIPTION IS OKAY
0
reply
Tolgash
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#2
Report 3 years ago
#2
This piece of descriptive writing is rather mediocre in the AO6 department due to the fact that the sentence types of punctuation aren't very varied. I've seen pieces that look like this (from peer assessments in class) actually awarded a mere, meagre nine out of a possible sixteen marks for AO6. On the contrary, your AO5 is quite strong, and could definitely be awarded full marks in an exam situation.
0
reply
SoorajG1
Badges: 7
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#3
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#3
(Original post by Tolgarda)
This piece of descriptive writing is rather mediocre in the AO6 department due to the fact that the sentence types of punctuation aren't very varied. I've seen pieces that look like this (from peer assessments in class) actually awarded a mere, meagre nine out of a possible sixteen marks for AO6. On the contrary, your AO5 is quite strong, and could definitely be awarded full marks in an exam situation.
Thanks for the evaluation but I don't understand what i can do to improve AO6. Ive spelled everything correctly. Is it just that i have to use more complicated vocabulary
0
reply
Tolgash
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#4
Report 3 years ago
#4
(Original post by SoorajG1)
Thanks for the evaluation but I don't understand what i can do to improve AO6. Ive spelled everything correctly. Is it just that i have to use more complicated vocabulary
Your punctuation isn't frequently varied (I can't see one exclamation mark or question mark there, forget an em dash or ellipses), neither are your sentence types. Most of your sentences are long and complex, which isn't a bad thing, but it would be interesting to see some shorter sentences as well (maybe even minor sentences). Your punctuation should also be in place for effect, which is difficult when they're mostly full stops. How you chose to wield different sentence types is up to you.

Using a section of your work as an example, here is how I would strengthen thiis piece's AO6:

...pellets of rain dashed towards them, accurately piercing through the once mighty mountain... over and over again. Unbelievable! Was there any sight of nature's suffering more brutal than this?
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Have you done work experience at school/college?

Yes (146)
42.32%
Not yet, but I will soon (62)
17.97%
No (137)
39.71%

Watched Threads

View All