The Student Room Group

Am I allowed to grieve?

So this guy I was seeing a few months back has died. Out of the blue. I saw it on Instagram and Facebook first, and hoped it was a sick joke. Twenty year old guys don’t just die?
We got an email from uni confirming it and I am devastated. Like it ended and it was fine, but I always thought that we would see each other again. He was my first and I really liked him. And now he’s dead I can’t stand it.
I feel guilty for feeling sad, I can’t imagine him not being here. I can’t get my head around it, I’m not sleeping, I can’t eat. Then I feel guilty because what if I had found the balls to send that text? And I feel guilty because if I’m feeling like this how are his close family and friends feeling? Like I am being made to feel guilty by a housemate but I can’t help how I am feeling. I don’t know what todo and no one understands.
Reply 1
Of course you're allowed to grieve. Your housemate sounds like an inconsiderate moron. I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I've lost quite a few friends. Each of them hit me in different ways. But they all hurt on incredibly deep levels, they still do. You don't just get over it. Be kind to yourself.

If you need someone to talk to, let me know. Take care.
Of course you can grieve! PM if you want to talk. Losing someone you know is hard enough, I cannot imagine it being someone you were seeing. I am very sorry for what you are going through.
You can grieve. The housemate is a ****.


I can promise everybody here will be willing support you and listen to you. Stay strong OP. :smile:
(edited 5 years ago)
Nobody has the right to tell you how you can and can't feel about anything, to be honest, but I'd say you definitely have the right to be upset about this.

Take care of yourself, surround yourself with people you love who make you feel good, and it will get easier, I promise :smile:.
You are allowed to feel what ever feelings you have. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Denying/bottling feelings up is not healthy.

I would say try and take a distance from your house ‘mate’. Or at the very least, take everything they say with a pinch of salt.
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
So this guy I was seeing a few months back has died. Out of the blue. I saw it on Instagram and Facebook first, and hoped it was a sick joke. Twenty year old guys don’t just die?
We got an email from uni confirming it and I am devastated. Like it ended and it was fine, but I always thought that we would see each other again. He was my first and I really liked him. And now he’s dead I can’t stand it.
I feel guilty for feeling sad, I can’t imagine him not being here. I can’t get my head around it, I’m not sleeping, I can’t eat. Then I feel guilty because what if I had found the balls to send that text? And I feel guilty because if I’m feeling like this how are his close family and friends feeling? Like I am being made to feel guilty by a housemate but I can’t help how I am feeling. I don’t know what todo and no one understands.


Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that this has happened.

Of course, you can grieve. In fact, this is so important - you're honouring someone you care deeply for and that's a beautiful thing to do. I understand it hurts and it will take time to process. There is no rush and grief does not have a sell-by date so you take your time and talk to the people you trust about how you're feeling. I'm sure it would actually bring comfort to his family and friends to know that you care - in this situation, appreciating that person for everything they were is so important.

Have you spoken to the university support services? They will be aware of this announcement and I'm sure they will have people in place to listen and help you through how you're feeling. I would encourage you to reach out to them and let them know what you have posted here.

Let me know if there is anything else I can do.

Thinking of you and sending love :heart:
Reply 7
Original post by She-Ra
Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that this has happened.

Of course, you can grieve. In fact, this is so important - you're honouring someone you care deeply for and that's a beautiful thing to do. I understand it hurts and it will take time to process. There is no rush and grief does not have a sell-by date so you take your time and talk to the people you trust about how you're feeling. I'm sure it would actually bring comfort to his family and friends to know that you care - in this situation, appreciating that person for everything they were is so important.

Have you spoken to the university support services? They will be aware of this announcement and I'm sure they will have people in place to listen and help you through how you're feeling. I would encourage you to reach out to them and let them know what you have posted here.

Let me know if there is anything else I can do.

Thinking of you and sending love :heart:


Thank you- I just feel like I have no right to grieve and I’m annoyed at myself because I nearly sent him a text about ten times over the last few months. And then maybe he would be alive.

Yeah they have emailed us but I don’t know how to ask for help.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you- I just feel like I have no right to grieve and I’m annoyed at myself because I nearly sent him a text about ten times over the last few months. And then maybe he would be alive.

Yeah they have emailed us but I don’t know how to ask for help.

I hear you. Grief doesn’t come easy and it’s ten times harder when you feel like you don’t have a right. You do. If you cared for him, you do. It doesn’t matter the length of the relationship - he was important to you.

Perhaps write him a letter? Everything you wanted to say in those messages. Write it down, get it out of your head and onto a page and if the tears come, it will be ok. Say everything you feel you need to say, when you feel ready. I’ve had to do this, it wasn’t easy, but it helped me move forward and feel a little bit like the old me again.

I would contact the student union - they will have a support service that can help you.
I work for TSR and and used to work at Birmingham’s SU so I have a fairly good idea of how these things work. If you want to PM me your uni, I can help you find the right service/people.

Hannah
Reply 9
I'm very sorry to hear that, fk your house'mate'
Original post by Anonymous
So this guy I was seeing a few months back has died. Out of the blue. I saw it on Instagram and Facebook first, and hoped it was a sick joke. Twenty year old guys don’t just die?
We got an email from uni confirming it and I am devastated. Like it ended and it was fine, but I always thought that we would see each other again. He was my first and I really liked him. And now he’s dead I can’t stand it.
I feel guilty for feeling sad, I can’t imagine him not being here. I can’t get my head around it, I’m not sleeping, I can’t eat. Then I feel guilty because what if I had found the balls to send that text? And I feel guilty because if I’m feeling like this how are his close family and friends feeling? Like I am being made to feel guilty by a housemate but I can’t help how I am feeling. I don’t know what todo and no one understands.

Of course you can grieve! If you weren't grieving in some way, I'd be worried. Its very sad and I send my condolences. I'm soo sorry for your loss.
Noone can tell you what and what not to feel, so in that case your housemate is a prick. Its better you let your emotions out then compress them, which will only make things worse for you.

I'm here if you want someone to talk to. Stay strong x
Original post by She-Ra
I hear you. Grief doesn’t come easy and it’s ten times harder when you feel like you don’t have a right. You do. If you cared for him, you do. It doesn’t matter the length of the relationship - he was important to you.

Perhaps write him a letter? Everything you wanted to say in those messages. Write it down, get it out of your head and onto a page and if the tears come, it will be ok. Say everything you feel you need to say, when you feel ready. I’ve had to do this, it wasn’t easy, but it helped me move forward and feel a little bit like the old me again.

I would contact the student union - they will have a support service that can help you.
I work for TSR and and used to work at Birmingham’s SU so I have a fairly good idea of how these things work. If you want to PM me your uni, I can help you find the right service/people.

Hannah


I have written a letter- that was the first thing that came to me. And it did help a bit. I just feel like I don’t know where to start with my feelings because it wasn’t too serious but at the same time it wasn’t just sex.

The uni have given us the contact numbers but I just dont know what I’m asking for. I can’t sleep, when I do it’s dreams haunted by what happened to him and I’m hungry but I can’t eat most of the time. No matter how much I want to.

I’ve even tried speaking to my parents but they think he’s just a friend, when I go home I am going to tell them, but I don’t know what I want them (or anyone) to say
Original post by Anonymous
I have written a letter- that was the first thing that came to me. And it did help a bit. I just feel like I don’t know where to start with my feelings because it wasn’t too serious but at the same time it wasn’t just sex.

The uni have given us the contact numbers but I just dont know what I’m asking for. I can’t sleep, when I do it’s dreams haunted by what happened to him and I’m hungry but I can’t eat most of the time. No matter how much I want to.

I’ve even tried speaking to my parents but they think he’s just a friend, when I go home I am going to tell them, but I don’t know what I want them (or anyone) to say


That's really good that you have already written a letter, it takes a lot of courage. I feel in my heart that you need to honour all your feelings. It sounds like you're talking yourself down a little bit, like you're not worthy of feeling what you're feeling and you are. You can't think a feeling, so it's important that you don't dismiss it.

It sounds like you have been deeply affected and I think speaking with someone impartial to help you process what's happened would be so helpful. When we dream a lot it's because our brain is trying to process our thoughts, it's trying to resolve what it's learnt throughout the day and archive it. If you're dreaming a lot this may suggest that alot of what you're feeling is unresolved. Talking to someone will help you to understand what you need to do to safely resolve some of those feelings in time. Once you do do this, you'll sleep a lot better.

That's great that the uni has given a number, I would call them and let them know that you knew him, you're struggling to sleep, experiencing recurrent nightmares and struggling to eat. Are you making it in to lectures? Tell them you need support and you're wondering how they can help you. They'll be able to advise. I imagine they'll probably have different services available and can match these to your needs. This is likely to include counselling for example.

I'm not sure there is anything anyone can say lovely. But, if you hug your parents, then a huge hug and a hand-hold while you cry could really help. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, maybe with a friend?

Let someone look after you :heart:
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by She-Ra
That's really good that you have already written a letter, it takes a lot of courage. I feel in my heart that you need to honour all your feelings. It sounds like you're talking yourself down a little bit, like you're not worthy of feeling what you're feeling and you are. You can't think a feeling, so it's important that you don't dismiss it.

It sounds like you have been deeply affected and I think speaking with someone impartial to help you process what's happened would be so helpful. When we dream a lot it's because our brain is trying to process our thoughts, it's trying to resolve what it's learnt throughout the day and archive it. If you're dreaming a lot this may suggest that alot of what you're feeling is unresolved. Talking to someone will help you to understand what you need to do to safely resolve some of those feelings in time. Once you do do this, you'll sleep a lot better.

That's great that the uni has given a number, I would call them and let them know that you knew him, you're struggling to sleep, experiencing recurrent nightmares and struggling to eat. Are you making it in to lectures? Tell them you need support and you're wondering how they can help you. They'll be able to advise. I imagine they'll probably have different services available and can match these to your needs. This is likely to include counselling for example.

I'm not sure there is anything anyone can say lovely. But, if you hug your parents, then a huge hug and a hand-hold while you cry could really help. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, maybe with a friend?

Let someone look after you :heart:


Thanks- I’m really not sure how to ask the uni for help. My friends are wanting me to go to them but I just dont know how to ask
Original post by HickeyOrBruise
Thanks- I’m really not sure how to ask the uni for help. My friends are wanting me to go to them but I just dont know how to ask


Hello, I've been thinking of you. Are you doing any better? :heart:

Did you try calling the helpline number they gave you?
Original post by She-Ra
Hello, I've been thinking of you. Are you doing any better? :heart:

Did you try calling the helpline number they gave you?


Oh thank you- your far too nice.

No I haven’t, I am going to get in touch with them though. My best friend is taking me to them somepoint soon, there was a bit of a situation last week where by (I’m ashamed to say this) I got very drunk and it ended in chaos, so they are forcing me to go. I just dunno what to say

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