Hey,
I've just turned 20 years old and suddenly my worries about virginity and intimacy are very forefront of my mind.
Up until recently, I'd only just had my first kiss, which was at most an innocent peck on the lips, but even doing that sent my heart in to overdrive in fear of "doing it wrong". I was so nervous that I wouldn't have a natural instinct on what to do, that I didn't allow it to be any more passionate than that.
I rarely ever come across people that I get to like enough, as my prior dating experience has lasted no more than 6 weeks. I get so worked up at the thought of being left for someone better, that I have an almost mental and physical barrier that won't allow me to relax and enjoy the moment with someone, hence not allowing my personality to shine through. So many people get a sense of security out of having an amazing connection with someone, whereas mine comes from sabotaging my own potential happiness before it even has a chance to begin. I'm not bitter at all, as I wish the best for everyone close to me, however seeing the romantic relationships of others blossom feels like I'm missing the qualities and attractiveness that someone would want in a partner, and in turn further downs my self esteem because I feel inadequate.
At this point, sex seems so alien and so far fetched for me, that I don't feel "fully human", if that makes sense?
Kind of feels very unlikely and out of reach, and that I don't deserve to share that experience with someone.
All advice is welcome, thank you!