The Student Room Group

How do I get rid of my psychopathic girlfriend? (long story...)

Firstly, and most importantly, if anyone feels that they know who I am, or who my girlfriend is, can they please not contact me or her, and please not indicate in any way who we are. As you will come to read from the situation she would kill me if she found that I had posted here. I genuinely mean that when I say she might kill me.

The situation:

I have been with my girlfriend for about 12 months since meeting her towards the end of my first year at university. The first few months were great last summer, as they so often are with new relationships.

After that time though, everything changed. She has slowly but surely become incredibly possessive and psychopathic. I genuinely mean that. She took every female off of my phone, except for my mum. She blocked every female off of my Facebook friends list. She then did the following, and gave me the following conditions:

1) She reads every detail of my phone at the end of every day, who I've called, who I've messaged, and what has been said.
2) She made me give her every username and password for every contact possibility I have on the internet so that she can check up on me at will (but she doesn't know about TSR).
3) I am not allowed to log onto Facebook without her being there.
4) I am not allowed to check my email without her being there.
5) I am not allowed to spend a single night sleeping without her. On the rare occasions I am "allowed" to go out with my friends, I have to go back to bed with her at the end of the night.

She has very quickly destroyed all my friend relationships with every female on this earth, and also slowly but surely is destroying all my friend relationships with every male on this earth.

She is very very moody and violent. She often starts arguments when she gets home from university, and she often makes sure that these go on throughout the night until the early hours. She scratches me, and I now have several permanent scars all over my body. She bites me as hard as she physically can, and I am covered in marks. She almost cleanly pulled my ear off a couple of months ago, and made me say that it was a rugby incident at the hospital when I was having stitches. She gives me love bites whilst I am asleep, waking me up in agony in the process, to "make sure other girls know I am with someone".

I have never hit anyone in my life, and all I can do is attempt to defend myself by holding her back, but I always still end up bruised and bloody. If she doesn't get me whilst I am awake she will wait until I am asleep. On more than one occasion I have been woken up with a punch in my face. She is violent towards me in these ways probably two or three times a week.

Stemming from her possessiveness, she effectively moved herself into my house, even though she still has her own place. She refuses to leave me alone for one night, and gets angry if I suggest I need time on my own. She accuses me of wanting that time to get "other women" into my bed. The accusations are endless. She gets into moods most days which almost always end in her becoming violent, and this can stem from something as trivial as me "looking" at a woman on the bus.

She has now rail-roaded me into proposing to her, and she now proudly wears an engagement ring. She got me to agree to this with the help of a kitchen knife. It was hardly a romantic proposal. She says that we now have to be married before the end of the year, and I really do not want this.

I have attempted to break off the relationship several times but this only makes her more violent and makes her resolve stronger. I can not get her out of my house, where I live with three other students. Most of her stuff is here, and she has a set of keys to the place. On the occasions I have tried to break up with her she angrily and violently says "nobody breaks up with me!!!" and that she is going to "dedicate her life to making mine a misery". Sometimes she gets so angry that she picks up very sharp kitchen knives and starts slicing at her arms and legs and threatening to kill herself because of "the pain I put her through", but I really do not ever do anything wrong. She is covered in self-inflicted knife scars now, and they are apparently "all my fault".

I do not know what to do. I need help. If I call the police on her again she could well be deported back to the country she came from. She is an international student who came here to study. I get the feeling that if I run away she will always find me. I genuinely feel that she will kill me if I attempt to break up with her again. Can anyone advise me on what to do?

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Reply 1
I don't know what to say, that is one of the most shocking things I've ever read. Please go to the police. :frown:
Reply 2
oh my god! get her deported if you can. thats awful, truly terrible. i have no idea what you should do. go to your university counselling service, the police, your mum, anybody, just stop being with her now because she is abusing you and will destroy your life.

try sending what you've said in this post to the samaritans ([email protected]) and they may be able to help you or ring them on 08457 90 90 90. they are professionals who will advise you on how to get out of your relationship.

:hugs:
Reply 3
She's a nutcase and needs serious help. Tell the police. I sure as hell wouldn't stick around as you're doing...
Reply 4
No, don't ring the Samaritans. They can't help you here.

As the orginal replier said, go to the police!
Reply 5
Go to the police or a domestic violence help centre. The latter will give you a list of options to do. However, the most important would be getting her and her stuff out of your house and securing it so that she can't get back in.

The girl obviously has problems and a bad history - but this doesn't mean you have to cushion the blame for me, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to be her personal punchbag or stress reliever. Cutting oneself and blaming someone else is a well-known thing to absolve blame. Do not accept the blame when she does it - thats something she needs to tackle herself.

Try not to make any rash decisions (unfortunate as it is), such as adding girls back onto your phone because I guess it could hinder your safety.

You need her out of your life and you need to do it safely.
Good luck :frown:
Go straight to the police. Do not confront her without other people present. This is an extremely dangerous position for you to be in. You need to break off all communication before you're married to her. Please be safe, please be careful.
Reply 7
I replied to the other thread, but I'm going to say it again because it's so important:

Get proof before you call the police. Get photographic evidence. Write down what happens. Keep a dated diary of incidents. Go to the hospital and get the records about your ear.

Then act.
Reply 8
You poor thing...I admire you for not physically retaliating. As the others have said, go to the police. This is really shocking and you do NOT have to put up with it.

Good luck xx
Anonymous
Firstly, and most importantly, if anyone feels that they know who I am, or who my girlfriend is, can they please not contact me or her, and please not indicate in any way who we are. As you will come to read from the situation she would kill me if she found that I had posted here. I genuinely mean that when I say she might kill me.

The situation:

I have been with my girlfriend for about 12 months since meeting her towards the end of my first year at university. The first few months were great last summer, as they so often are with new relationships.

After that time though, everything changed. She has slowly but surely become incredibly possessive and psychopathic. I genuinely mean that. She took every female off of my phone, except for my mum. She blocked every female off of my Facebook friends list. She then did the following, and gave me the following conditions:

1) She reads every detail of my phone at the end of every day, who I've called, who I've messaged, and what has been said.
2) She made me give her every username and password for every contact possibility I have on the internet so that she can check up on me at will (but she doesn't know about TSR).
3) I am not allowed to log onto Facebook without her being there.
4) I am not allowed to check my email without her being there.
5) I am not allowed to spend a single night sleeping without her. On the rare occasions I am "allowed" to go out with my friends, I have to go back to bed with her at the end of the night.

She has very quickly destroyed all my friend relationships with every female on this earth, and also slowly but surely is destroying all my friend relationships with every male on this earth.

She is very very moody and violent. She often starts arguments when she gets home from university, and she often makes sure that these go on throughout the night until the early hours. She scratches me, and I now have several permanent scars all over my body. She bites me as hard as she physically can, and I am covered in marks. She almost cleanly pulled my ear off a couple of months ago, and made me say that it was a rugby incident at the hospital when I was having stitches. She gives me love bites whilst I am asleep, waking me up in agony in the process, to "make sure other girls know I am with someone".

I have never hit anyone in my life, and all I can do is attempt to defend myself by holding her back, but I always still end up bruised and bloody. If she doesn't get me whilst I am awake she will wait until I am asleep. On more than one occasion I have been woken up with a punch in my face. She is violent towards me in these ways probably two or three times a week.

Stemming from her possessiveness, she effectively moved herself into my house, even though she still has her own place. She refuses to leave me alone for one night, and gets angry if I suggest I need time on my own. She accuses me of wanting that time to get "other women" into my bed. The accusations are endless. She gets into moods most days which almost always end in her becoming violent, and this can stem from something as trivial as me "looking" at a woman on the bus.

She has now rail-roaded me into proposing to her, and she now proudly wears an engagement ring. She got me to agree to this with the help of a kitchen knife. It was hardly a romantic proposal. She says that we now have to be married before the end of the year, and I really do not want this.

I have attempted to break off the relationship several times but this only makes her more violent and makes her resolve stronger. I can not get her out of my house, where I live with three other students. Most of her stuff is here, and she has a set of keys to the place. On the occasions I have tried to break up with her she angrily and violently says "nobody breaks up with me!!!" and that she is going to "dedicate her life to making mine a misery". Sometimes she gets so angry that she picks up very sharp kitchen knives and starts slicing at her arms and legs and threatening to kill herself because of "the pain I put her through", but I really do not ever do anything wrong. She is covered in self-inflicted knife scars now, and they are apparently "all my fault".

I do not know what to do. I need help. If I call the police on her again she could well be deported back to the country she came from. She is an international student who came here to study. I get the feeling that if I run away she will always find me. I genuinely feel that she will kill me if I attempt to break up with her again. Can anyone advise me on what to do?



Well done, firstly, for being brave nough to go on here. Obvisouly your life is being abuised by this girl. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out.

Firstly, I would go to a payphone and call us a domestic abuse line. It sounds silly but they will give you proper adice, better than a bunch of students on a form room, as they have been through it and are properly educated in dealing with those (ur gf) type of people.

What you also need to do, is move away. Take all your stuff, dont tell anyone where your going - she will find you, and stay there.

Chnage your phone
get a new email address
get a new facebook

TALK TO FAMILY/ BETS MATE about this. You need to be with someone now, you need protection.

I hope soemthing happens, I just feel dreadful about this all.
L x
Aconite
I replied to the other thread, but I'm going to say it again because it's so important:

Get proof before you call the police. Get photographic evidence. Write down what happens. Keep a dated diary of incidents. Go to the hospital and get the records about your ear.

Then act.


Actually, best advice on this thread yet.

Get proof.

Unfortunate as it is, action cannot be taken forward with the police unless you have outright evidence to suggest this abuse is happening.

Make sure you are safe in obtaining the evidence though.
Reply 11
Go to the police, if she's deported so be it.

This is domestic violence and is not on.

Edit: As stated above, proof is a good idea. An A&E attendance for each injury so they can be documented by a professional is reasonable in cases like this.
Reply 12
Aconite
I replied to the other thread, but I'm going to say it again because it's so important:

Get proof before you call the police. Get photographic evidence. Write down what happens. Keep a dated diary of incidents. Go to the hospital and get the records about your ear.

Then act.


what he said
Get that bitch deported!
She sounds like a slightly worse (but not by much) version of a close friend's ex gf... But she went psycho like that once they'd broken up and he was getting with someone else...
She clearly has some serious issues going on in her head. Maybe sit and talk to her (although be careful how you word it, for your own sake!) ask her if there's anything happened in her life that causes her pain, and remind her that you're her boyfriend and want to support her and help her all you can. Tell her you don't feel loved and that you feel like she's going to hurt you all the time and remind her that isn't love, it's a violent relationship which you don't want to be part of and that it isn't good for either of you.

If it does turn out she has some serious psychological problems, tell her she can always talk to you about it and that maybe she could go and see a counsellor and that you'd be happy to go with her, to support her and be there for her. Keep reminding and reassuring her that you're there for her and want to help her. This is definitely no excuse, but maybe she misses home, has no friends here and now she’s found you, doesn’t want to lose you (although she’s going about it seriously the wrong way!!!).

If it turns out there's nothing wrong and that she's just a violent nasty person, then ask your friends for help. Get them to take her things back to her house/flat or whatever she lives in and speak to your landlord about getting the keys changed as soon as her stuff is out. Tell her you want nothing more to do with her, as you fear for your life. If she continues to harass you and make your life a misery, phone the police and tell them she's previously threatened you with a kitchen knife and that she's causing you psychological distress. Also, tell her if she doesn't back off, you'll inform the uni she's causing you problems on campus and that she'll be kicked out of uni, have her visa taken off her and then deported.

I really hope things work out for you :hugs:
Reply 16
The basic Human instinct to protect yourself must kick in here, go to the Police, as soon as possible taking as much evidence against her as you can possibly find, (as Aconite said)
You do NOT have to be accepting of this situation.

It's possibly difficult for others to understand how you have become "rail-roaded" into this situation, but it does happen.
Reply 17
if it is clear that she is a danger to herself and others (you) you can get her sectioned under the mental health act. probably best to get the number of the local mental health unit off the police/hospital and then to fully explain the situation to them inc. evidence
Good luck... *hugs*

(Jeez... does she have a job, long lectures or something? Split up with her in a public place where you'll be safe while you get your flatmates to change the locks and leave her stuff outside in bin bags. Make sure there's at least one person you know in the backgorund somewhere who'll testify if she goes nutso in public, but you should be okish in a public place. I'd suggest you'd try and reason with her, say that her behaviour has driven you away, but I think this is too far gone, whatever you do, she's gonna take it terribly... gawd)

Yeah, good luck! *hugs*
Reply 19
If you're engaged etc, (albeit under her force), are you in contact with her parents? I know this could be complicated if she is an international student and perhaps you dont speak the same language, but it is essential that she gets help as SOON as possible. If not, talk to YOUR parents. If you live away from home at uni, perhaps they could send an "urgent" message that you have to go home for a few days, whilst you decide what to do?

Or you could skip off one of your lectures so that she doesnt suspect where you're going and walk into the police station and explain your story? Even if they cant help you immediately then they may be able to give you some firm advice on how to look after yourself, defend yourself and who else you may be able to talk to. With all your bruises / scars etc, and the medical history containing the stitches, you have a firm definitive case to put forward. After protecting yourself, you need to protect her. She obviously has some real issues within herself and needs to sort these out. This is why her parents / family really need to help her out of this state.

Look after yourself and try and do nothing at all to irritate her until you've made some steps towards sorting this. All the best. xx