bf doesn't want to meet for 1-3 years.
I know the term passes is offensive but IDK how else to explain it. I think he looks like a guy now. But he has body dysmorphia and I'm trying not to push him. We talk online and he isn't a catfish, before anyone asks. We've been together for 3 years. We did 2 years of college together, then uni happened and we agreed not to tell each other where we were applying until we accepted the offers. It wound up with me going North and him going South, so we moved the relationship online with the knowledge we'd see each other at holidays back home and stuff like that.
When we met he ID'd as a lesbian. Over the course of our relationship he realised he was actually a trans dude. Which, for the record, I'm fine with. I'm bi and in love with him. He came out to his family as a trans man, had an argument with them, and now they're not speaking to him and he isn't coming home for the half term now or Christmas and possibly not ever again. I tried to invite him to half term and Christmas with us, but my parents and his share similar attitudes and his parents told mine. Now my parents want me to break up with him, so they won't let him spend the holidays with us.
We facetimed last night and I suggested either him coming to me or me going to him for the holidays, as I don't especially want to see my family, either right now, after what they said to me.
He said that he isn't sure he wants me to see him in person again until he looks the way he wants. I tried my best to reassure him and told him that I don't care how he looks. But he is nothing if not stubborn.
Even if he went to his GP today to get the referral to a gender clinic, it can take anywhere between 2 and 12 weeks for the referral to go through depending on how busy the GP is and he lives in a big town so probably closer to 12, then there's usually a 6 month wait after the referral goes through, then he has to go to therapy before they'll give him anything, then once he gets his hormones it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months for it to take effect. So that's like a year away at absolute minimum.
And IDK what he means by the way he wants. If it's just about the hormones then it's at least a year but it's like a 3 year wait for top surgery and you have to jump through all these hoops to get it.
Plus it's not that he's unreliable, but he has health issues and gets overwhelmed easily and apparently if you miss multiple appointments with the therapist (something I can see him doing, albeit accidentally) you get discharged and have to go back to the GP and start over. And you have to pay for hormones like any other prescription and right now he can't even afford his legal name change.
I love him so much and I want to be with him. I want to be his girlfriend but I also want to actually see him. In person. I'm trying really hard to not be pushy but we're talking at least a year of not seeing each other except over facetime.
This last year has sucked for reasons outside of the relationship but whenever I had a bad day before the distance happened he could just hold me and I'd feel a lot better and now I'm getting replies saying "I wish I could hug you rn" and "it's all going to work out" which aren't exactly the same thing.
Is there a way I can communicate to him that I respect his need for distance but I also want to be with him without making it sound like I'm prioritising my needs over his?
TL;DR - LDR (not catfish) wants to hold off at least a year before we see each other in person again so he can go on hormones but I want to actually see my bf.
When we met he ID'd as a lesbian. Over the course of our relationship he realised he was actually a trans dude. Which, for the record, I'm fine with. I'm bi and in love with him. He came out to his family as a trans man, had an argument with them, and now they're not speaking to him and he isn't coming home for the half term now or Christmas and possibly not ever again. I tried to invite him to half term and Christmas with us, but my parents and his share similar attitudes and his parents told mine. Now my parents want me to break up with him, so they won't let him spend the holidays with us.
We facetimed last night and I suggested either him coming to me or me going to him for the holidays, as I don't especially want to see my family, either right now, after what they said to me.
He said that he isn't sure he wants me to see him in person again until he looks the way he wants. I tried my best to reassure him and told him that I don't care how he looks. But he is nothing if not stubborn.
Even if he went to his GP today to get the referral to a gender clinic, it can take anywhere between 2 and 12 weeks for the referral to go through depending on how busy the GP is and he lives in a big town so probably closer to 12, then there's usually a 6 month wait after the referral goes through, then he has to go to therapy before they'll give him anything, then once he gets his hormones it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months for it to take effect. So that's like a year away at absolute minimum.
And IDK what he means by the way he wants. If it's just about the hormones then it's at least a year but it's like a 3 year wait for top surgery and you have to jump through all these hoops to get it.
Plus it's not that he's unreliable, but he has health issues and gets overwhelmed easily and apparently if you miss multiple appointments with the therapist (something I can see him doing, albeit accidentally) you get discharged and have to go back to the GP and start over. And you have to pay for hormones like any other prescription and right now he can't even afford his legal name change.
I love him so much and I want to be with him. I want to be his girlfriend but I also want to actually see him. In person. I'm trying really hard to not be pushy but we're talking at least a year of not seeing each other except over facetime.
This last year has sucked for reasons outside of the relationship but whenever I had a bad day before the distance happened he could just hold me and I'd feel a lot better and now I'm getting replies saying "I wish I could hug you rn" and "it's all going to work out" which aren't exactly the same thing.
Is there a way I can communicate to him that I respect his need for distance but I also want to be with him without making it sound like I'm prioritising my needs over his?
TL;DR - LDR (not catfish) wants to hold off at least a year before we see each other in person again so he can go on hormones but I want to actually see my bf.
*boost*
Okay, so, as another trans guy I reckon I could probably give a bit of helpful insight into your boyfriend's current situation, but bear in mind that I don't know him and we all experience our gender dysphoria differently. With this in mind, take the best bits of what I say and take the rest with a pinch of salt.
Gender dysphoria f***ing sucks, and it can be immensely debilitating. Logic and traditional comforting doesn't always work to help the feeling that your external presence in the world doesn't reflect who you are. However, you do need to look out for your feelings as well as his. You might be able to help him feel more whole, you might not. I can't answer that.
What I will say though is that the wait for him to get the effects he wants from testosterone may be Much more than a year away. Depending on the GIC he's registered with, how his mental and physical health is, whether they'll call extra specialists in etc, you're looking at more like 2 to 5 years. Even that's optimistic.
There are quicker ways of getting treatment privately and they aren't too expensive after the first year. Setting up with admin costs and whatnot would set him back around £900 but after that he's looking at a much more survivable £50 a month- easily covered by a part time job.
As for a name change, it can be done for free as long as he gets the legal jargon right, is 16+, and can get the document signed by two professional witnesses. I went through that process and it was accepted by the NHS, Passport office, and HMRC- so it's completely legally valid.
One thing's for sure though, you need to tell him. Yes, his needs are important, but so are yours. I can't imagine not seeing my boyfriend for a month, let alone 1 year+.
I hope what I've said is of any worth at all. I wish you guys good luck and I hope it all works out.
Gender dysphoria f***ing sucks, and it can be immensely debilitating. Logic and traditional comforting doesn't always work to help the feeling that your external presence in the world doesn't reflect who you are. However, you do need to look out for your feelings as well as his. You might be able to help him feel more whole, you might not. I can't answer that.
What I will say though is that the wait for him to get the effects he wants from testosterone may be Much more than a year away. Depending on the GIC he's registered with, how his mental and physical health is, whether they'll call extra specialists in etc, you're looking at more like 2 to 5 years. Even that's optimistic.
There are quicker ways of getting treatment privately and they aren't too expensive after the first year. Setting up with admin costs and whatnot would set him back around £900 but after that he's looking at a much more survivable £50 a month- easily covered by a part time job.
As for a name change, it can be done for free as long as he gets the legal jargon right, is 16+, and can get the document signed by two professional witnesses. I went through that process and it was accepted by the NHS, Passport office, and HMRC- so it's completely legally valid.
One thing's for sure though, you need to tell him. Yes, his needs are important, but so are yours. I can't imagine not seeing my boyfriend for a month, let alone 1 year+.
I hope what I've said is of any worth at all. I wish you guys good luck and I hope it all works out.
Original post by Abel_Gibbs
Okay, so, as another trans guy I reckon I could probably give a bit of helpful insight into your boyfriend's current situation, but bear in mind that I don't know him and we all experience our gender dysphoria differently. With this in mind, take the best bits of what I say and take the rest with a pinch of salt.
Gender dysphoria f***ing sucks, and it can be immensely debilitating. Logic and traditional comforting doesn't always work to help the feeling that your external presence in the world doesn't reflect who you are. However, you do need to look out for your feelings as well as his. You might be able to help him feel more whole, you might not. I can't answer that.
What I will say though is that the wait for him to get the effects he wants from testosterone may be Much more than a year away. Depending on the GIC he's registered with, how his mental and physical health is, whether they'll call extra specialists in etc, you're looking at more like 2 to 5 years. Even that's optimistic.
There are quicker ways of getting treatment privately and they aren't too expensive after the first year. Setting up with admin costs and whatnot would set him back around £900 but after that he's looking at a much more survivable £50 a month- easily covered by a part time job.
As for a name change, it can be done for free as long as he gets the legal jargon right, is 16+, and can get the document signed by two professional witnesses. I went through that process and it was accepted by the NHS, Passport office, and HMRC- so it's completely legally valid.
One thing's for sure though, you need to tell him. Yes, his needs are important, but so are yours. I can't imagine not seeing my boyfriend for a month, let alone 1 year+.
I hope what I've said is of any worth at all. I wish you guys good luck and I hope it all works out.
Gender dysphoria f***ing sucks, and it can be immensely debilitating. Logic and traditional comforting doesn't always work to help the feeling that your external presence in the world doesn't reflect who you are. However, you do need to look out for your feelings as well as his. You might be able to help him feel more whole, you might not. I can't answer that.
What I will say though is that the wait for him to get the effects he wants from testosterone may be Much more than a year away. Depending on the GIC he's registered with, how his mental and physical health is, whether they'll call extra specialists in etc, you're looking at more like 2 to 5 years. Even that's optimistic.
There are quicker ways of getting treatment privately and they aren't too expensive after the first year. Setting up with admin costs and whatnot would set him back around £900 but after that he's looking at a much more survivable £50 a month- easily covered by a part time job.
As for a name change, it can be done for free as long as he gets the legal jargon right, is 16+, and can get the document signed by two professional witnesses. I went through that process and it was accepted by the NHS, Passport office, and HMRC- so it's completely legally valid.
One thing's for sure though, you need to tell him. Yes, his needs are important, but so are yours. I can't imagine not seeing my boyfriend for a month, let alone 1 year+.
I hope what I've said is of any worth at all. I wish you guys good luck and I hope it all works out.
I know it's different for everyone. I know there's no way for me to magically fix it for him or anything, but I just wish there was something I could do or say to help him feel better.
His physical health is fine. He's pretty fit and works out and goes to the gym, and the only thing with his mental health is the dysphoria. 2-5 years??? He's struggling to pay for uni rn so like £900 isn't really doable, so he's going NHS route, which he knows takes longer but he can't afford private, and apparently someone told him that once trans people go private the NHS is reluctant to help them out. Is that right?
I 100% get that this is a serious thing to him and stuff like the dysphoria is having a negative impact on his mental health. This has caused a seriously strained relationship with his family. He was going to come back this week for our certificate presentation ceremony at our former college but he can't afford it. I offered to pay for tickets for him and let him stay with me but as I said his parents and my parents share similar political views and his outed him to my parents so that's not really an option. They didn't even know we were dating until we knew we were going off to uni. They thought we were friends for the first year and a bit of our relationship. He had a roommate who dropped out and moved home so he's living alone right now and from what he's said he doesn't really do much. He does his uni work, he goes to his job, he doesn't go out or anything. He pretty introverted and wasn't huge on going out before we moved but we went on dates and both had a pretty large friend group who are now scattered over England and Scotland. I was pretty depressed in high school and that's the sort of thing it did to me, so it's kind of raising some alarms for me.
I'm really worried about him. I want to make sure he knows he has people in his corner, and if circumstances were different I'd be on the next train over to make sure he's alright. Or as alright as he can be, considering.
I love him so much, and I miss him. I'm worried that I'm being selfish. He's so kind and so loving and so good to me, and he's said to me that he isn't sure he wants me to see him until he feels better about himself and all I can think is that I don't want to wait.
If I knew someone like this, I would urge them to meet the gf because the gf might find someone else with the lack of physical contact......, and tbh as a trans guy he will likely find it challenging to secure another gf
i'm not sure what to suggest really. your post gave no indications you are thinking of leaving him so he is probably going to stay safe in his comfort zone for 1 to 3 years until he feels ready.
If you are going to see him you are going to have to actually force him out of his comfort zone in some manor.
but tbh i can't see how, if you're not lonely enough to leave him if things don't improve.......
only other way i can think of to see him is if you literally turn up on his doorstep unannouced one holiday.
i'm not sure what to suggest really. your post gave no indications you are thinking of leaving him so he is probably going to stay safe in his comfort zone for 1 to 3 years until he feels ready.
If you are going to see him you are going to have to actually force him out of his comfort zone in some manor.
but tbh i can't see how, if you're not lonely enough to leave him if things don't improve.......
only other way i can think of to see him is if you literally turn up on his doorstep unannouced one holiday.
Original post by ANM775
If I knew someone like this, I would urge them to meet the gf because the gf might find someone else with the lack of physical contact......, and tbh as a trans guy he will likely find it challenging to secure another gf
i'm not sure what to suggest really. your post gave no indications you are thinking of leaving him so he is probably going to stay safe in his comfort zone for 1 to 3 years until he feels ready.
If you are going to see him you are going to have to actually force him out of his comfort zone in some manor.
but tbh i can't see how, if you're not lonely enough to leave him if things don't improve.......
only other way i can think of to see him is if you literally turn up on his doorstep unannouced one holiday.
i'm not sure what to suggest really. your post gave no indications you are thinking of leaving him so he is probably going to stay safe in his comfort zone for 1 to 3 years until he feels ready.
If you are going to see him you are going to have to actually force him out of his comfort zone in some manor.
but tbh i can't see how, if you're not lonely enough to leave him if things don't improve.......
only other way i can think of to see him is if you literally turn up on his doorstep unannouced one holiday.
You're right to say that I'm not thinking of leaving him. This whole situations sucks, not going to lie, but I love him. I can deal with our relationship being online for a bit, but it sucks. I miss him like crazy, and when I'm in a relationship one of my favourite parts of it is the closeness that comes with it, whether that is actual intimacy or just sitting in the same room. I want my boyfriend to want to see me and I know that it's not that he doesn't want to see me so much as he doesn't want me to see him but this whole thing is still pretty new for both of us so I'm hoping that at some point he'll message asking me to come visit/if he can come visit but I am really lonely. We went from spending nearly every day together for almost 2 years of college to texting and seeing each other on weekends and long holidays, and now we might just be confined to facetimes and texts since he can't come home for the holidays anymore. It sucks.
But I really don't want to push him. I don't want to make him feel pressured into spending time with me or force the issue because that's more likely to make him want to break up with me than anything else. That's literally the only thing stopping me from getting on the next train. The thought that he might wish I hadn't come. I want to be supportive but it's hard when I'm doing everything from a distance. A few days ago we were facetiming and I could tell something was off and he said his dysphoria was acting up and all I wanted to do was hug him but I couldn't.
Even just writing this all I can think about is how much I want him here with me. The bed is too big, the room is too cold, the flat is too quiet. I have all the drawbacks of a LDR with no end in sight, and I feel like a horrible person for complaining about that when my boyfriend is on the other side of the country hating himself to such an extent he literally doesn't want me to see him.
Original post by Anonymous
I know the term passes is offensive but IDK how else to explain it. I think he looks like a guy now. But he has body dysmorphia and I'm trying not to push him. We talk online and he isn't a catfish, before anyone asks. We've been together for 3 years. We did 2 years of college together, then uni happened and we agreed not to tell each other where we were applying until we accepted the offers. It wound up with me going North and him going South, so we moved the relationship online with the knowledge we'd see each other at holidays back home and stuff like that.
When we met he ID'd as a lesbian. Over the course of our relationship he realised he was actually a trans dude. Which, for the record, I'm fine with. I'm bi and in love with him. He came out to his family as a trans man, had an argument with them, and now they're not speaking to him and he isn't coming home for the half term now or Christmas and possibly not ever again. I tried to invite him to half term and Christmas with us, but my parents and his share similar attitudes and his parents told mine. Now my parents want me to break up with him, so they won't let him spend the holidays with us.
We facetimed last night and I suggested either him coming to me or me going to him for the holidays, as I don't especially want to see my family, either right now, after what they said to me.
He said that he isn't sure he wants me to see him in person again until he looks the way he wants. I tried my best to reassure him and told him that I don't care how he looks. But he is nothing if not stubborn.
Even if he went to his GP today to get the referral to a gender clinic, it can take anywhere between 2 and 12 weeks for the referral to go through depending on how busy the GP is and he lives in a big town so probably closer to 12, then there's usually a 6 month wait after the referral goes through, then he has to go to therapy before they'll give him anything, then once he gets his hormones it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months for it to take effect. So that's like a year away at absolute minimum.
And IDK what he means by the way he wants. If it's just about the hormones then it's at least a year but it's like a 3 year wait for top surgery and you have to jump through all these hoops to get it.
Plus it's not that he's unreliable, but he has health issues and gets overwhelmed easily and apparently if you miss multiple appointments with the therapist (something I can see him doing, albeit accidentally) you get discharged and have to go back to the GP and start over. And you have to pay for hormones like any other prescription and right now he can't even afford his legal name change.
I love him so much and I want to be with him. I want to be his girlfriend but I also want to actually see him. In person. I'm trying really hard to not be pushy but we're talking at least a year of not seeing each other except over facetime.
This last year has sucked for reasons outside of the relationship but whenever I had a bad day before the distance happened he could just hold me and I'd feel a lot better and now I'm getting replies saying "I wish I could hug you rn" and "it's all going to work out" which aren't exactly the same thing.
Is there a way I can communicate to him that I respect his need for distance but I also want to be with him without making it sound like I'm prioritising my needs over his?
TL;DR - LDR (not catfish) wants to hold off at least a year before we see each other in person again so he can go on hormones but I want to actually see my bf.
When we met he ID'd as a lesbian. Over the course of our relationship he realised he was actually a trans dude. Which, for the record, I'm fine with. I'm bi and in love with him. He came out to his family as a trans man, had an argument with them, and now they're not speaking to him and he isn't coming home for the half term now or Christmas and possibly not ever again. I tried to invite him to half term and Christmas with us, but my parents and his share similar attitudes and his parents told mine. Now my parents want me to break up with him, so they won't let him spend the holidays with us.
We facetimed last night and I suggested either him coming to me or me going to him for the holidays, as I don't especially want to see my family, either right now, after what they said to me.
He said that he isn't sure he wants me to see him in person again until he looks the way he wants. I tried my best to reassure him and told him that I don't care how he looks. But he is nothing if not stubborn.
Even if he went to his GP today to get the referral to a gender clinic, it can take anywhere between 2 and 12 weeks for the referral to go through depending on how busy the GP is and he lives in a big town so probably closer to 12, then there's usually a 6 month wait after the referral goes through, then he has to go to therapy before they'll give him anything, then once he gets his hormones it can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months for it to take effect. So that's like a year away at absolute minimum.
And IDK what he means by the way he wants. If it's just about the hormones then it's at least a year but it's like a 3 year wait for top surgery and you have to jump through all these hoops to get it.
Plus it's not that he's unreliable, but he has health issues and gets overwhelmed easily and apparently if you miss multiple appointments with the therapist (something I can see him doing, albeit accidentally) you get discharged and have to go back to the GP and start over. And you have to pay for hormones like any other prescription and right now he can't even afford his legal name change.
I love him so much and I want to be with him. I want to be his girlfriend but I also want to actually see him. In person. I'm trying really hard to not be pushy but we're talking at least a year of not seeing each other except over facetime.
This last year has sucked for reasons outside of the relationship but whenever I had a bad day before the distance happened he could just hold me and I'd feel a lot better and now I'm getting replies saying "I wish I could hug you rn" and "it's all going to work out" which aren't exactly the same thing.
Is there a way I can communicate to him that I respect his need for distance but I also want to be with him without making it sound like I'm prioritising my needs over his?
TL;DR - LDR (not catfish) wants to hold off at least a year before we see each other in person again so he can go on hormones but I want to actually see my bf.
ANOTHER trans guy here haa. This is complicated and exactly why I don't put mysef in this position. I'd hate to lead someone on, unfortunately that's what he's done. He's being and been highly selfish. I think you're a great and tolerant person but I'm guessing nothing can come in the way of how he feels. I know I myself would absolutely hate being in a relationship pre T and top surgery. But he just doesn't want to be lonely. So I don't mean he's maliciously selfish, but definitely fails to see he's hurting you and leading you on.
Original post by Plus7
ANOTHER trans guy here haa. This is complicated and exactly why I don't put mysef in this position. I'd hate to lead someone on, unfortunately that's what he's done. He's being and been highly selfish. I think you're a great and tolerant person but I'm guessing nothing can come in the way of how he feels. I know I myself would absolutely hate being in a relationship pre T and top surgery. But he just doesn't want to be lonely. So I don't mean he's maliciously selfish, but definitely fails to see he's hurting you and leading you on.
Is he really leading me on? We've been together for around 3 years, and for nearly 2 of them we were together in person. It was only after we knew we were going off to uni that he came out as a trans guy to me and his family. We've had sex before and after the coming out, and his request for space is pretty recent. I guess part of me is sort of hoping he'll change his mind, but it doesn't seem likely. He didn't give me an actual time frame or anything. He just basically said he wanted me to see him when he next felt more like himself, which could be once he's on T or it could be when he has top surgery or it could just be when his dysphoria gives him a good day. But IDK if/how I should ask like "when's good for you?". He is the only person I love and trust this much, and we took a break once before and all it did was reaffirm that we want to be together. But if he wants to wait until he's completely happy with himself, I could be waiting forever. And I'm not sure I want to do that. All I want is to be with him, but he doesn't want me seeing him until he's happy with what I'll be seeing.
Original post by Anonymous
Is he really leading me on? We've been together for around 3 years, and for nearly 2 of them we were together in person. It was only after we knew we were going off to uni that he came out as a trans guy to me and his family. We've had sex before and after the coming out, and his request for space is pretty recent. I guess part of me is sort of hoping he'll change his mind, but it doesn't seem likely. He didn't give me an actual time frame or anything. He just basically said he wanted me to see him when he next felt more like himself, which could be once he's on T or it could be when he has top surgery or it could just be when his dysphoria gives him a good day. But IDK if/how I should ask like "when's good for you?". He is the only person I love and trust this much, and we took a break once before and all it did was reaffirm that we want to be together. But if he wants to wait until he's completely happy with himself, I could be waiting forever. And I'm not sure I want to do that. All I want is to be with him, but he doesn't want me seeing him until he's happy with what I'll be seeing.
1 to 3 years is a p*ss take and I'm assuming you're both young. I'm 25 and in my late teens would probably have loved someone like you just waiting on me to fill the lonely gap but it's not right. I would not put a girl I like through that, no way. This is up to you but honestly don't feel obligated to him, if you feel like moving on do it. Don't be a mug, we both know a lot can change in 1 to 3 years. Imagine if he moved on? How would you feel? Don't be a mug! If he truly wanted to be with you he'd be there now. Trust me, I've been in his state before and it's up to him to find peace before he's ready for any relationship.
Also I must must must stress the point where I said he could move on. Transitioning is a MASSIVE step in someone's life. Once you feel your transition is complete or pretty much there, you are a changed person. What you have with him may not even survive that, and it's already on thin ice. Think about it. You knew him before he transitioned, he now wants to hide that from you. He might decide to cut you off and start afresh BECAUSE you knew him pre hormones. You can't rule anything out. I just really don't want you to be hurt here. Try to detach yourself if he doesn't show improvement aka meeting you.
Original post by Plus7
Also I must must must stress the point where I said he could move on. Transitioning is a MASSIVE step in someone's life. Once you feel your transition is complete or pretty much there, you are a changed person. What you have with him may not even survive that, and it's already on thin ice. Think about it. You knew him before he transitioned, he now wants to hide that from you. He might decide to cut you off and start afresh BECAUSE you knew him pre hormones. You can't rule anything out. I just really don't want you to be hurt here. Try to detach yourself if he doesn't show improvement aka meeting you.
(Sorry for late reply - kept trying to talk to him but then something would happen to distract us or one of us would fall asleep waiting for the other)
I feel like an idiot. I don't want to end things. I don't want to break up with him. We talked the other night and when I tried to broach meeting up in person soon (I literally said "anytime in the next year") he went over all the dysphoria stuff again. I get that being trans comes with it's own set of issues I'll probably never understand and I love him and I respect his choices and he has set these boundaries and I am trying to respect that, too, but I can't wait potentially years to actually see my boyfriend in person again. I mean I know it's not the same thing like at all but I have BDD due to depression and I get insecure about my appearance all the time but even on my worst days where I literally couldn't bring myself to get out of bed or look in the mirror I still never avoided him or cancelled plans we'd made.
I'm not a jealous person by nature, but he's just started a new job and he's going to a trans support groups and in both places he's meeting new people and then he's telling me about them and I want him to feel like he can tell me these things but at the same time it feels like I'm just not a part of his life any more, or like if I am a part of it, I'm a contained part where I only get to actually be involved in his life when he has time for me. We've only been long distance for one year so far and the only time I don't feel alone is when I see him at half term and weekends and we get to actually spend time together, which it looks like is stopping. And I feel like crap for that because he's going through something and not only am I not in a position to properly support him but I'm managing to make it about me.
Plus there is a somewhat shallow part of me feels like I'm not getting the most out of uni. Half the people there have partners who they actually spend their free time with and the other half are single and get to go out to clubs and bars and pick people up. I'm just sort of stuck in limbo between them, where I have a boyfriend who doesn't exactly appreciate it when people give me their numbers/ask me out but it's also sort of like not having a boyfriend because I never go on dates or have s*x or even just have someone to watch a movie with. I have been asked out at uni, and whenever I go out with my friends I get asked out or someone slips me their number and I always tell them no or chuck the number away because everything I do I keep him in mind. Just today I was walking through the town centre on the way back from uni and I saw an advert for a Christmas fair and it made me miss him even more because he loves all that stuff and I couldn't share it with him. I know physical closeness isn't everything in a relationship, but for me it's a huge part of it, as I've always valued physical affection over other kinds.
I really don't want to end things between us but saying that I'm having doubts that would go away if I could just see him feels too much like an ultimatum, as well as a lose-lose situation. If he agrees to see me then we'll both feel like I pressured it/forced him but if he insists on waiting then I'll just become more unsure. There's a huge part of me that wants to just hop on the next train to go see him but there's no scenario where that would end well. I hate being this far apart from him, but I feel like I have to walk this line between upsetting him and upsetting myself and while I would never want to hurt him, whether he knows it or not, this whole situation is hurting me and I honestly don't know how much longer I can be in a relationship with someone who won't even see me.
Original post by Anonymous
but I can't wait potentially years to actually see my boyfriend in person again.
If that's how you feel then you need to in no uncertain terms tell him this then.
and as harsh as it may be, if nothing changes you'll have to move on
Original post by Anonymous
(Sorry for late reply - kept trying to talk to him but then something would happen to distract us or one of us would fall asleep waiting for the other)
I feel like an idiot. I don't want to end things. I don't want to break up with him. We talked the other night and when I tried to broach meeting up in person soon (I literally said "anytime in the next year") he went over all the dysphoria stuff again. I get that being trans comes with it's own set of issues I'll probably never understand and I love him and I respect his choices and he has set these boundaries and I am trying to respect that, too, but I can't wait potentially years to actually see my boyfriend in person again. I mean I know it's not the same thing like at all but I have BDD due to depression and I get insecure about my appearance all the time but even on my worst days where I literally couldn't bring myself to get out of bed or look in the mirror I still never avoided him or cancelled plans we'd made.
I'm not a jealous person by nature, but he's just started a new job and he's going to a trans support groups and in both places he's meeting new people and then he's telling me about them and I want him to feel like he can tell me these things but at the same time it feels like I'm just not a part of his life any more, or like if I am a part of it, I'm a contained part where I only get to actually be involved in his life when he has time for me. We've only been long distance for one year so far and the only time I don't feel alone is when I see him at half term and weekends and we get to actually spend time together, which it looks like is stopping. And I feel like crap for that because he's going through something and not only am I not in a position to properly support him but I'm managing to make it about me.
Plus there is a somewhat shallow part of me feels like I'm not getting the most out of uni. Half the people there have partners who they actually spend their free time with and the other half are single and get to go out to clubs and bars and pick people up. I'm just sort of stuck in limbo between them, where I have a boyfriend who doesn't exactly appreciate it when people give me their numbers/ask me out but it's also sort of like not having a boyfriend because I never go on dates or have s*x or even just have someone to watch a movie with. I have been asked out at uni, and whenever I go out with my friends I get asked out or someone slips me their number and I always tell them no or chuck the number away because everything I do I keep him in mind. Just today I was walking through the town centre on the way back from uni and I saw an advert for a Christmas fair and it made me miss him even more because he loves all that stuff and I couldn't share it with him. I know physical closeness isn't everything in a relationship, but for me it's a huge part of it, as I've always valued physical affection over other kinds.
I really don't want to end things between us but saying that I'm having doubts that would go away if I could just see him feels too much like an ultimatum, as well as a lose-lose situation. If he agrees to see me then we'll both feel like I pressured it/forced him but if he insists on waiting then I'll just become more unsure. There's a huge part of me that wants to just hop on the next train to go see him but there's no scenario where that would end well. I hate being this far apart from him, but I feel like I have to walk this line between upsetting him and upsetting myself and while I would never want to hurt him, whether he knows it or not, this whole situation is hurting me and I honestly don't know how much longer I can be in a relationship with someone who won't even see me.
I feel like an idiot. I don't want to end things. I don't want to break up with him. We talked the other night and when I tried to broach meeting up in person soon (I literally said "anytime in the next year") he went over all the dysphoria stuff again. I get that being trans comes with it's own set of issues I'll probably never understand and I love him and I respect his choices and he has set these boundaries and I am trying to respect that, too, but I can't wait potentially years to actually see my boyfriend in person again. I mean I know it's not the same thing like at all but I have BDD due to depression and I get insecure about my appearance all the time but even on my worst days where I literally couldn't bring myself to get out of bed or look in the mirror I still never avoided him or cancelled plans we'd made.
I'm not a jealous person by nature, but he's just started a new job and he's going to a trans support groups and in both places he's meeting new people and then he's telling me about them and I want him to feel like he can tell me these things but at the same time it feels like I'm just not a part of his life any more, or like if I am a part of it, I'm a contained part where I only get to actually be involved in his life when he has time for me. We've only been long distance for one year so far and the only time I don't feel alone is when I see him at half term and weekends and we get to actually spend time together, which it looks like is stopping. And I feel like crap for that because he's going through something and not only am I not in a position to properly support him but I'm managing to make it about me.
Plus there is a somewhat shallow part of me feels like I'm not getting the most out of uni. Half the people there have partners who they actually spend their free time with and the other half are single and get to go out to clubs and bars and pick people up. I'm just sort of stuck in limbo between them, where I have a boyfriend who doesn't exactly appreciate it when people give me their numbers/ask me out but it's also sort of like not having a boyfriend because I never go on dates or have s*x or even just have someone to watch a movie with. I have been asked out at uni, and whenever I go out with my friends I get asked out or someone slips me their number and I always tell them no or chuck the number away because everything I do I keep him in mind. Just today I was walking through the town centre on the way back from uni and I saw an advert for a Christmas fair and it made me miss him even more because he loves all that stuff and I couldn't share it with him. I know physical closeness isn't everything in a relationship, but for me it's a huge part of it, as I've always valued physical affection over other kinds.
I really don't want to end things between us but saying that I'm having doubts that would go away if I could just see him feels too much like an ultimatum, as well as a lose-lose situation. If he agrees to see me then we'll both feel like I pressured it/forced him but if he insists on waiting then I'll just become more unsure. There's a huge part of me that wants to just hop on the next train to go see him but there's no scenario where that would end well. I hate being this far apart from him, but I feel like I have to walk this line between upsetting him and upsetting myself and while I would never want to hurt him, whether he knows it or not, this whole situation is hurting me and I honestly don't know how much longer I can be in a relationship with someone who won't even see me.
You really don't deserve this. On behalf of him I'm sorry. He can't keep leading you on like this. Ask him what he wants and tell him you have to move on. Because this isn't a relationship. Relationships are supposed to make you happy, and you don't sound happy at all. Yes there may be times where you're happy with him but doesn't the same apply to domestic abuse? Just because there are some good times doesn't justify the bad (your mental health and need for companionship). Girl, I think it's time to move on!
This is what you should do. Cut it off. And if you reconnect when he's ready and not giving you absurd deadlines then great! But for now move on. It sounds dead. It's always hard to let go for anyone. Think about YOU. And for your mental health I think having a fresh start would be awesome also.
Whatever you choose it'll all work out I'm sure. Good luck!
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- What do you think about going on holiday with a bf/gf you've been seeing for a year?
- How to slowly stop being close friends with my best friend?
- Went away. Hasn’t seen me for 3 weeeks. Chooses work over me. I’m done
- My bf not being ok with me going to my friend invitation because there will be boys
- Being a woman over 40
- muslim girl with bf
- leaving toxic ppl behind?
- My boyfriend doesn't interact with my family/ friends
- Going into uni with basically no home friends
- In a LDR and may like someone else?
- Always dated with money. Now 36 man no money
- Bf is always late when we meet
- Dating with kids help! 10 year age gap
- Can i have a guy friend if i have a bf?
- Feel betrayed by bf
- Girl wants him as a bf?
- Asked a girl out again and not sure where I stand...
- Why do so many girls have a boyfriend? Am I really unlucky?
- Relationship
- I don't like eating together with my bf
Latest
Trending
Last reply 3 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 3 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
