Is this History paragraph too waffly?

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Year10Studentt
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To me, it seems too waffly. Should I cut stuff down?

"When Hoover became president in 1929, he adopted a new policy: rugged individualism, which was a shift in emphasis from laissez-faire. It became more extreme. It stated that people should be responsible for themselves and the amount of government support they were entitled to was weakened. This left citizens with nowhere to turn. There was no support for the unemployed to find jobs, nor for the homeless to find homes. Hoover’s policy was so unpopular amongst average Americans, due to its impacts on the lower classes: huge shanty towns of homeless people within the country adopted the name ‘Hoovervilles’ due to Hoover’s disastrous policy. Thus, this resulted in a dramatic increase in unemployment, and therefore began to have a negative impact on the economy, which contributed to the economic crash of 1929, and was the beginning of Hoover’s unpopularity, as well as the Depression. Hoover was now seen as the creator of the depression, which left the American people urging change, and discouraged them to vote for him in 1932, due to his policies and their disastrous after effects. Even if an American was as fortunate to find employment, the government no longer regulated working hours, pay or working conditions, and were consequently exploited by their capitalist employee’s, which made being responsible for one's self a major difficulty. This policy only favoured those at the top, and not for the majority of the nation which led to the amount of dislike for Hoover and his policies across the nation, which foreshadowed his defeat in 1932. Although, in the last year of his presidency (1932), Hoover began to realise the people were right, the economy would not fix itself and they needed help. During this year, the government received $2,000 million and spent over $5,000 million, but it was too little too late, the damage was done. As a result, the economy worsened, due to overspending during the Depression, which made Americans realise that Hoover would not ease the effects of the crash and his policies were not suitable, therefore encouraging them to vote for Roosevelt in 1932, as he was the only sensible opposition. Although, it could be argued that the Depression was not the fault of Hoover, rather his inheritance from previous Republican presidents of the 1920’s. This meant that Hoover received the blame as he was the incumbent president when the crash struck, rather than the Republican party and their policies as a whole resulted in the Depression. However, Roosevelt promised Americans a ‘New Deal’, away from Hoover and the Republican party, which was a very different approach compared to rugged individualism. He seemed as if he was the only person who would do whatever it took to save the country from disaster, as Hoover had the chance, yet failed. Hence, the American people were urged to vote for Roosevelt, as he promised he would end the Depression, which was what everyone desired within the country. "

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ageshallnot
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(Original post by Year10Studentt)
To me, it seems too waffly. Should I cut stuff down?

"When Hoover became president in 1929, he adopted a new policy: rugged individualism, which was a shift in emphasis from laissez-faire. It became more extreme. It stated that people should be responsible for themselves and the amount of government support they were entitled to was weakened. This left citizens with nowhere to turn. There was no support for the unemployed to find jobs, nor for the homeless to find homes. Hoover’s policy was so unpopular amongst average Americans, due to its impacts on the lower classes: huge shanty towns of homeless people within the country adopted the name ‘Hoovervilles’ due to Hoover’s disastrous policy. Thus, this resulted in a dramatic increase in unemployment, and therefore began to have a negative impact on the economy, which contributed to the economic crash of 1929, and was the beginning of Hoover’s unpopularity, as well as the Depression. Hoover was now seen as the creator of the depression, which left the American people urging change, and discouraged them to vote for him in 1932, due to his policies and their disastrous after effects. Even if an American was as fortunate to find employment, the government no longer regulated working hours, pay or working conditions, and were consequently exploited by their capitalist employee’s, which made being responsible for one's self a major difficulty. This policy only favoured those at the top, and not for the majority of the nation which led to the amount of dislike for Hoover and his policies across the nation, which foreshadowed his defeat in 1932. Although, in the last year of his presidency (1932), Hoover began to realise the people were right, the economy would not fix itself and they needed help. During this year, the government received $2,000 million and spent over $5,000 million, but it was too little too late, the damage was done. As a result, the economy worsened, due to overspending during the Depression, which made Americans realise that Hoover would not ease the effects of the crash and his policies were not suitable, therefore encouraging them to vote for Roosevelt in 1932, as he was the only sensible opposition. Although, it could be argued that the Depression was not the fault of Hoover, rather his inheritance from previous Republican presidents of the 1920’s. This meant that Hoover received the blame as he was the incumbent president when the crash struck, rather than the Republican party and their policies as a whole resulted in the Depression. However, Roosevelt promised Americans a ‘New Deal’, away from Hoover and the Republican party, which was a very different approach compared to rugged individualism. He seemed as if he was the only person who would do whatever it took to save the country from disaster, as Hoover had the chance, yet failed. Hence, the American people were urged to vote for Roosevelt, as he promised he would end the Depression, which was what everyone desired within the country. "

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That isn't a paragraph, it's an essay.

And having published it here you might fall foul of plagiarism software if you submit it officially.
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TheMagicPaint
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I don't know what question you're answering here, nor do I know much about this period, but this paragraph definitely does seen too waffly. (I did do A-Level History, so I'm not just talking complete rubbish though.)

Anyway, I think that the content of the paragraph is decent, but that the structure is far less strong. You want to use the paragraph to make or advance an argument, so a good thing to do is say that at the start of the paragraph. Instead of stating a fact, make your point straight away. Then you can use the facts to back that up and add some nuance. This should also help you to cut down any unnecessary factual content - only put things in that contribute to your argument. You also use some overly casual language in some places (e.g. 'the damage was done'), which should be cut out. Remember that this is an academic piece of work, so use language appropriate to that, and avoid making generalizations.

Hope that helps! feel free to PM with any further questions
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Geek5
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Without a strong argument, your paragraph won't get you above a D grade anyway, despite its factual detail. I also have no idea what question you're answering, but if you had a decent argument then I wouldn't need to know the question.
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