The Student Room Group

Is it over?

So I've been in a gay relationship with a guy for the past 5 months, 2 of which have been long distance and I'm starting to question things for the first time. Of course I've had a few thoughts along the way, but there are things now pretty much constantly nagging me in the back of my mind...

1 - He's pretty selfish in bed, he only wants to be top and refuses to try being bottom. He finishes really quickly which I can understand the first few goes, but every single time it's over in a flash. This really bugs me for two reasons: firstly if he's going to top he should at least have some stamina, secondly it takes ages to prepare for it and I'm getting pretty tired of the douche for 10 minutes for 1 minute of sex. This is amplified when there's little to no foreplay, he rarely does the stuff I ask him (totally vanilla stuff, may I add) - but still wants me to do everything he wants. He also doesn't usually care about me finishing - he's usually 'too tired' or 'his arm aches', sometimes he won't even make an excuse and will just say "you can finish yourself off". Also when we first started anal, he complained to me about not being clean enough even though he was topping and could've chosen to do something else - but he would proceed anyway and make me feel really self conscious after when he complains.

2 - He doesn't always show affection (in private) towards me. For example when we're sleeping or taking a nap, he always wants to be the small spoon when he knows I want to be it too on a fairer basis. He always wants to me to play with his hair and scratch his back, but rarely reciprocates even when I ask nicely.

3 - He takes forever to respond to texts. I've literally waited DAYS for him to reply to me on anything, months into the relationship. Most of the time I waiting between like 10hrs and a day and a half.

4 - He rarely makes effort and doesn't put forward any romantic gestures. To be fair the first point is fading slightly because he's seeing me a bit more often now, but it was initially always me going up to see him even though he has the job. But the second point is still very much true and is kinda linked to the first. His birthday present from me was something small but meaningful, he bought me some booze from the supermarket the day before he saw me. I wrote a meaningful message to him in his card, he literally wrote nothing and basically signed it in front of me. He never wants to do small surprise for me, when I have done a couple of surprises for him such as a picnic or a spontaneous trip to see him. He is able to do both, but doesn't.

5 - He literally doesn't remember my birthday and thinks it's hilarious, like he actually booked to see me on the wrong dates when he could have been here for an extra day. He also doesn't remember even roughly when our 'anniversary' is, which doesn't massively bother me but to me it says he doesn't value the relationship as much as I do.

I'm not asking for direct reciprocation from him for everything I do. But it would be nice to feel like I'm receiving something from him.

This post may seem overwhelmingly negative. But I still do really love him and enjoy spending time with him. The vast majority of these thoughts are not in my head when I see him, it's usually just times like now when we're apart.

I know it can be fixed because we've had other issues in the past ironed out. I have spoken to him about a few of these issues above, but I usually do it jokingly or don't say everything because I don't want him to think that I don't love him anymore because I still do love him.

So: do you reckon it's over? What can I do now?
What exactly do you love about him? You gotta see if the bad outweighs the good. And why don't you talk to him about it? Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Talk about what's bothering you and if he doesn't care then it's time to say goodbye.
Reply 2
Original post by Rainfall
What exactly do you love about him? You gotta see if the bad outweighs the good. And why don't you talk to him about it? Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Talk about what's bothering you and if he doesn't care then it's time to say goodbye.


- because he makes me comfortable
- any previous anxieties I've had about myself are largely gone
- we have similar aspirations
- we both want to do similar things (travel etc.)
- we have lots in common
- when we're talking in person/facetime there's lots to catch up on
- he takes interest in me
- he wants me to do well in life
- he's honest and straightforward
- he helps me through any tricky situations at home

We do communicate issues a lot, it's just these are quite in-your-face and if he told me the list I wrote as if it were him in my position I would feel awful and would question everything.
Original post by Anonymous
- because he makes me comfortable
- any previous anxieties I've had about myself are largely gone
- we have similar aspirations
- we both want to do similar things (travel etc.)
- we have lots in common
- when we're talking in person/facetime there's lots to catch up on
- he takes interest in me
- he wants me to do well in life
- he's honest and straightforward
- he helps me through any tricky situations at home

We do communicate issues a lot, it's just these are quite in-your-face and if he told me the list I wrote as if it were him in my position I would feel awful and would question everything.

How are strangers on the internet going to tell you if your relationship is over or not? I'm definitely not a couple therapist or whatever. The only way to solve this is to tell him about it. It may be awkward but he's your partner. And he should understand.

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