Read my Prologue and tell me (honestly) if you would read the rest of my book!

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Right blank
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The boy silently crept into the room, making sure to gently shut the door behind him. He nervously looked around the room, suddenly unsure of himself and of what needed to be done. No, he thought to himself, I have to do this to protect them. He noticed several empty packets of pills. Illegal pills. He smiled bitterly to himself - the pills further justifying his actions in his mind - and continued towards his goal.

He was familiar with the layout of the room already, and knew which parts of the floor were more likely to creak. His movements slowly became more graceful and smooth, like those of a ballet dancer. He sidestepped the pill packets, and tried to ignore the horrific smell that was beginning to invade his nostrils. He suspected that the smell was coming from the sheets themselves, and though he was not wrong, he also was not entirely correct.

The boy had not seen his mother in days, knowing that the pills had effectively ripped her away from him. Leaving behind nothing but a shell of a woman who didn’t love her children anymore, who couldn’t love anything anymore. This thought would once have filled him with sadness, but that would have been a very long time ago. He had been hardened by his experiences, his childhood very quickly becoming tainted by abuse. By the need to protect his brother and sister from the monster lying in bed just a few feet away. His back visibly straightened as he, once again, comforted himself with the knowledge that the woman he was about to kill, was already gone.
His mind went still as he neared the bed, the stench nearly overpowering him. He slowly bent over to pick up a pillow that had fallen off the bed, when he saw something that was wrong. Something that was very, very wrong. The woman’s arm had slipped out of the bedsheets, and was resting on the side of the metal bed frame. Her skin was the colour of coal, completely black.

He held the pillow out in front of him, and gingerly prodded her arm with it. The arm exploded into a cloud of dust, the young boy stepping back in alarm.

He slipped on a packet of pills and fell, hitting his head on the corner of the metal bedside table. His last thought before his death, was satisfaction at the fact that his siblings would now be safe.
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londonmyst
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#2
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I would read it.
You need to improve the sense of atmosphere, scenic descriptions and reduce use of the words "his".
You might want to consider writing in 1st person too.
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(Original post by londonmyst)
I would read it.
You need to improve the sense of atmosphere, scenic descriptions and reduce use of the words "his".
You might want to consider writing in 1st person too.
Thank you!
My plan is to write the rest of the book in 1st person, however the boy in the prologue is a different character and I wanted to differentiate the two with different points of view.
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ihatespongebob
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(Original post by Right blank)
Thank you!
My plan is to write the rest of the book in 1st person, however the boy in the prologue is a different character and I wanted to differentiate the two with different points of view.
What you have so far is good for a first draft but I would advise against using two different p.o.v. You don’t need to use different p.o.v to create contrast between different characters. Using different p.o.v can result in narratives becoming confusing and making the author’s voice seem weak.
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That'sGreat
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Ngl, sounds like something I could write in year 9. Same style, use of descriptive words etc. Personally, I don't know if the book would keep me really interested, and I don't think this is enough to learn what the book concept/plot is. State the plot and we'll see
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DrawTheLine
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I liked it I like this genre of book
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Fujoshi
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(Original post by Right blank)
The boy silently crept into the room, making sure to gently shut the door behind him. He nervously looked around the room, suddenly unsure of himself and of what needed to be done. No, he thought to himself, I have to do this to protect them. He noticed several empty packets of pills. Illegal pills. He smiled bitterly to himself - the pills further justifying his actions in his mind - and continued towards his goal.

He was familiar with the layout of the room already, and knew which parts of the floor were more likely to creak. His movements slowly became more graceful and smooth, like those of a ballet dancer. He sidestepped the pill packets, and tried to ignore the horrific smell that was beginning to invade his nostrils. He suspected that the smell was coming from the sheets themselves, and though he was not wrong, he also was not entirely correct.

The boy had not seen his mother in days, knowing that the pills had effectively ripped her away from him. Leaving behind nothing but a shell of a woman who didn’t love her children anymore, who couldn’t love anything anymore. This thought would once have filled him with sadness, but that would have been a very long time ago. He had been hardened by his experiences, his childhood very quickly becoming tainted by abuse. By the need to protect his brother and sister from the monster lying in bed just a few feet away. His back visibly straightened as he, once again, comforted himself with the knowledge that the woman he was about to kill, was already gone.
His mind went still as he neared the bed, the stench nearly overpowering him. He slowly bent over to pick up a pillow that had fallen off the bed, when he saw something that was wrong. Something that was very, very wrong. The woman’s arm had slipped out of the bedsheets, and was resting on the side of the metal bed frame. Her skin was the colour of coal, completely black.

He held the pillow out in front of him, and gingerly prodded her arm with it. The arm exploded into a cloud of dust, the young boy stepping back in alarm.

He slipped on a packet of pills and fell, hitting his head on the corner of the metal bedside table. His last thought before his death, was satisfaction at the fact that his siblings would now be safe.
You're on the precipice of this being too edgy to be likeable so keep on top of the tone (the whole he saw packets of pills. Illegal pills. Thing should definitely be reworked imo because that's not how people think - especially if they're a common occurrence in day-to-day life for him he wouldn't comment on them being legal/illegal. Remember readers can fill in information that's inferred).

There's some grammar/sentence structure issues for example in
"His mind went still as he neared the bed, the stench nearly overpowering him. He slowly bent over to pick up a pillow that had fallen off the bed, when he saw something that was wrong."
The first sentence sounds unfinished.
It might be better as "his mind stilled as he neared the bed and with the stench almost overpowing him, he picked up a pillow that had fallen on the floor. Then he saw something was wrong. Very wrong."
General advice is to keep things short/not have more words than you need (sentences aren't freight trains) with your most impactful sentences being the shortest (and in some cases breaking rules to draw further attention).

P.s. I would totally read a supernatural crime drama/thriller type story (I'm guessing that's roughly where you're taking it - or at least having some of those elements?)
Last edited by Fujoshi; 2 years ago
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